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In the midst of a storm. 

We scattered Dad’s ashes today. We have some saved for one more area, but most of them went in his most beloved places around the ranch. 

How blessed Dad was that he had so many favourite spots all so close to his house. We live in a beautiful area and I have a lifetime of memories of walking over a hill or just glancing west and saying look at that view. Isn’t it amazing here?  

He’d told us a few places he wanted to be scattered and today we went out and tried to honour his wishes. 

Of course after days of 30C weather and a beautiful, sunny day; when we went out there were storm clouds blowing all around us and thunder crashing to the north and the west. But, in the midst of the storm where we stood together it was calm enough to do what we needed. 

There in the midst of the storm we quietly and lovingly said our prayers and sang our goodbyes and sent out our love to Dad. 

How lucky we are that we have each other. Blessed that we had Dad, blessed to have each other to walk through this with, blessed to have this beautiful area to walk our goodbye. I’m not doing so well with the goodbyes, but I’m  thankful I have these people to do the goodbyes with. The love and the shared memories will bind us together. 

I was thinking as we were doing this that its no wonder I and millions of people before me have stopped and dedicated life to figuring out the meaning of life, why are we here? Where do we go? What becomes of us? Because if all we are is just reduced to those ashes then it’s hard to see the point of it all. 

I am grateful for my faith because I believe that there is something after life. The curious and impatient human part of me would really appreciate knowing what that is. Again, a time when being able to call Dad up on the heaven phone would be useful. He could answer all those questions for me.  Is he still Dad and watching over us? Does he still know he’s Dad? Does he remember life here? 

Those are my questions, but I think I would also like to know for him – is he happy? Am I on the right path to discovering my spiritual truth? Was it scary? 

At the end of the day, for me, it all just comes back to faith. I have to believe that Dad is more than those ashes. That the part of Dad that made him Dad is still an energy being somehow and somewhere. Something that shines as brightly as Dad’s soul did can’t just cease to exist. 

The happiness moment was celebrating Dad’s life and remembering walking and talking with him in the areas we chose today. I miss him so deeply but I’m so thankful to have known him and to have had his unconditional love and strong guidance. 

One of Dad’s favourite places along the ridge. We walked there together many times.   

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Where are you?

We have had many discussions about where to “put” Dad. Again, one more interesting thing about cremation versus burial. With burial you know you have a plot (hopefully), you have a date and time, and you go in there. Much more ambiguous with cremation. There are so many different options as to what to do (or not do) with the ashes once you have them. We are still in the “not do” phase, but eventually we will do something.

Right now Dad’s ashes are in his room and I have made an interesting personal discovery about that. I firmly believed that I didn’t care where his ashes went. I knew where he wanted them, knew where we’d talked about scattering them, knew that Jacob in particular wanted a place to go and “remember Grandpa”. But I felt that for me it didn’t really matter where the ashes themselves were. I believe Dad is with me wherever I go, I feel him when I’m out walking, in the garden, or sitting on the deck. What did it matter where the ashes actually were?

Yet, I’ve noticed something. Every time I go into his room to grab something I stop, turn towards where the urn is and have a little conversation with him. Nothing heavy, but how are you doing today? I miss you, I hope you’re doing ok. And then it usually goes a little off kilter Is this as weird for you as it is for me? I can’t believe I’m standing here talking to you in that little box, yet here I am. And even though I really should be self conscious, I keep on babbling away about what’s going on in my life.

So, maybe it does matter where his ashes are? I was pretty surprised by this revelation. Even when I became consciously aware of doing it I couldn’t make myself stop. Just as I wouldn’t have walked through a room he was sitting in when he was alive and not have said something, I can’t walk through the room where he is now without having a little conversation. Weird as it is, it feels completely natural and it makes me feel happy instead of sad. It actually makes me much sadder to talk (or write) about it than it does to actually do it.

It’s been a whole month since he died. The longest month of my life. It feels like forever since it happened and yet….. it’s only been this one month. How can that be? How can I miss him so much my throat hurts, still not believe he’s really gone – how can all this time of such heartache only add up to one month?

Dad, I miss you. I feel your love still surrounding all of us, but what I wouldn’t give to walk out to the garden and find you crouched over some flower happily taking a photo.

Happiness moment today: I had to go to the library and download some things for my course. In general I don’t mind being unplugged at home (no internet), but once in a while it’s a bit of work to get the things I need. I decided instead of being productive and working I would watch old music videos like this one, and this one (because who wasn’t pounding it out on the dance floor to this beat?), and this one (OMG these guys are hilarious in concert – I’ve never seen a group of grown men have so much fun), and this one (that one especially because he was such a badass and then cried the entire time he was on Celebrity Apprentice). Songs I used to listen to in my early 20s when I never would have guessed I would end up searching for happiness 20 years later. Back then my happiness was easy and obvious. Ride my horse, hang with my friends, be fierce in knowing what I wanted. That me needs to spend some time with present me and remind me of how much easier and fun things used to be. It was a fun couple of hours spent tapping my toes.

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Emotion soup

I had another one of those *kick you in the gut* moments last night. I felt so blessed and thankful to be at Jacob’s graduation, and for him to have a cheering section of family watching him walk the stage. He’s had that extended cheering section missing from his life for 10 years. I am so proud of him. He’s worked so hard over the past 8 years and it’s sometimes been an overwhelming struggle (for us both). And, here he was graduating from middle school and proudly walking across the stage.

Because it’s a christian charter school, the ceremony involved prayer. At the very end of the ceremony, family came up behind the graduates and laid hands on our loved one as the teachers prayed for them individually. It was so moving and so spiritual, and I was so joyful to be a part of it. And yet…

The last time we laid hands on someone was during Dad’s last communion. The last time we all stood together and held hands in prayer was after he died. Suddenly I had this overwhelming feeling of loss. I was so sad that Dad wasn’t there to see Jacob graduate. He was so proud of him. He loved him so much. He wanted so badly to watch Jacob grow up.

So, I stood behind Jacob bawling my eyes out. Difficult to do with a dress on because there weren’t sleeves to snork into, nothing to wipe my eyes with. So, I just cried. And missed Dad. And praised Jacob for the fine young man he’s turning into.

Gut punch.

Today’s happiness moment: I got stuck behind a little old lady driving the back road into town this afternoon. Driving behind someone slow on a gravel road forces one to drive slow and far behind so as to not eat dust the entire way. Because of this slow drive I noticed that the wild roses are flowering in the ditch. I love those wild roses. This is the best time of the year to be in Alberta.

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Ain’t it fun…

I know we have all changed in some ways in the short time we have been home. Some of it has come through struggle and heartache. I had several moments in the last weeks of Dad’s life where I knew deep in my soul that what I was living in that moment would change me forever. Not all those changes are a bad thing either. Sure, there’s the broken feelings of missing Dad, but there was a certain strength I found during that time – and a special bonding with my mom and sister as we held each other close. That strength I will carry with me on the next part of my life journey. I got to know myself a lot better and discovered that I had a much deeper faith and love than I ever knew. 

I also see changes in the vibe of our household. The kids are happier being home – they love running across the yard to visit cousins, or to visit nana, or to visit the horses. Jenna spends hours riding her bike up and down the driveway and running up to the barn to see the cats. Jacob can play with his cousin, and gets to ride the sit down mower all over the place. 

I can see the happy house vibe in the pets. Ella the cat has gone from being a true scaredy cat – hiding at the slightest noise and not allowing anyone to hold her for long – to being the happiest, calmest, most cuddly little furball around. She purrs her way all over the place and is usually happily flopped in a sunbeam right in the middle of the house. 

Dottie actually smiles. If you didn’t know that a dog could smile then you need to see my Dotted Dog. She has gone from a contained, leashed life, to one of freedom. She runs around my yard, she runs out into the field. She runs behind the barn. She’s like Forrest Gump, she started running and she hasn’t stopped. Often when she’s running about she tears up to me and gives me a hige grin before taking off a full speed again. To me, she represents the freedom we have all found  since returning home. 

Today we had a massive thunder storm – the kind where the entire house was dark and the windows shook. After it was over, Dottie ran outside for a while. When she came  back in she was covered in mud, had the biggest happy grin on her face, and dropped a horse hoof (the trimmed part – farriers must have been here) at my feet, and danced around. Once I got over the gahhhhh so much mud to clean up moment I took in her happiness and realized that was my happiness moment for the day. It embodies everything good about being here. Freedom and fun. 

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New year, old friends 

 Today my baby turned 14. Considering the fact that I’m still having trouble adjusting to the fact that I may actually be an adult it amazes me that I have a kid who is 14. Old enough here in Alberta to have his learners license. He went and took the test and even though he’s studied hard he will need to go back and write it again. 

Last night Jenna was so excited that her brother was turning 14 she stayed up late and crafted him some birthday decorations. 

  

His dad called first thing this morning and we were all able to participate as he opened his presents. He was surprised with some new headphones. You know, the kind of things that are important at 14. Who am I kidding? I’d be happy with these headphones at 44. 

As a wonderful birthday bonus he was able to run across the yard to Nana’s house and see her first thing in the morning. Of course it made me miss Dad even more, but I hope he was watching down and smiling today as Jacob takes one more leap towards becoming a wonderful and kind man. 

  

After attempting his drivers license we went to see his Grandma for some birthday hugs and to pick up his present. How grateful we are to be back around our people. Then zipped back home for sushi with Nana 

  

After supper we were joined by a cousin for cake. Because having a friend makes any occasion more fun. 

Celebrating this day with Jacob was a happiness moment without a doubt, but I had a completely different happiness moment as well today. This morning I met up with an old friend for tea and a visit. I’ve known her ever since I was little; little enough that I don’t remember meeting her. We did Pony Club together for years and years. Then we hit our party girl years (oh my) at the same time, in a small town, so we ran together then too. But it’s been at least 25 years since we’ve seen each other. We’ve both grown up (kind of) and are married with kids, which we both found hysterical. 

The excellent thing was that it was like no time at all had passed. We talked about old days, caught up on parts of each other’s lives that we’ve missed, laughed, and shared gossip about people we both know. Before I knew it three and a half hours had passed and I had to leave to take the kids out for Jacob’s special birthday lunch. 

I can’t remember when in the last 15 years I’ve sat with one person for three and a half hours and just talked. What an incredible gift to be able to share that kind of time with someone. And someone that knows me so well that although we had to learn about the newer parts of each other’s lives, we knew all the basics already. I am so grateful for that time and it ranks high on my list of happiness moments. Hopefully there are many more of those to come. 

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Sunbeam yoga cat. 

 
After three months of emotional chaos I have decided it’s time to try and restore a bit of order into my life. I haven’t been following my proper routine, my exercise hasn’t been regular, and my eating habits have been horrendous. Granted, not as horrendous as before I started studying Ayurveda, but not great. It’s that sugar thing. Sugar and I have a difficult relationship. 

I can feel the lack of proper sleep and the lack of exercise and poor food choices wrecking havoc on my body. The last few days I’ve been making more of an effort to get my routine back. 

I’ve also been gentle with myself because in the last three months we have undergone huge change and I have every reason to have emotions out of whack. But I know Dad would want us all to look after ourselves. And I’m home and I’m going to celebrate every day. 

Since the weather has been nicer I’ve been going outside for walks with Dottie. But, as seems to happen at this time of year – wildlife is getting a little too close for comfort. And, I’m bear-a-noid at the best of times. I’ve decided to give the outdoor walks a little break for a while. Or until I find a walking companion who is much slower than I am! I’m still getting used to the more recent  presence of predators. I was so used to being able to walk or ride for hours and never worry about anything. Times change. I don’t. 

Today I used my elliptical and then was just going to do some gentle yoga stretches. But I realized my body needed more stretching, and that my meditation practice has been thrown out the window. So instead I did a downloaded yoga class followed by a 20 minute meditation. 

I rolled my mat out into the middle of the floor where there was a nice sunbeam and began my practice. No sooner was I on my mat and Ella raced over to lie in the sunbeam. She loves when I do yoga and insists on her belly being rubbed on every forward bend. 

I feel SO much better after my practice. Lighter in mind and body. It served as a reminder of why I do what I do and why it’s so important to me. My happiness moment for the day. My sunbeam yoga with my cat. 

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Your vibe attracts your tribe. 

  

I found this quote on Elephant Journal yesterday and it touched my heart. I feel like the most recent part of my life has (among a few other things) been focused on finding my tribe. I have noticed without a doubt that the vibe I’m on affects the tribe I attract. 

I am so thankful that I have changed my intention to that of happiness and health. It has  purified the tribe I am with. With a clearer understanding of what I want and how I want to live my life I find that I am attracting happier and healthier people back into my tribe. 

Being with the tribe I am building now makes me want to dance like the women in this picture. That feeling has been years in the making and has taken a lot of deliberate focus to achieve. I am grateful for it every day. 

When I was a kid and it was birthday time for a member of the family, we had a running joke that the dessert would be rhubarb. It started when my sister and I were little kids and it continues to present day. What kind of cake are we having for my birthday? Rhubarb. We are having rhubarb for supper. And dad made SOUR rhubarb. Not rhubarb crisp, but plain, stewed rhubarb. 

Today my sister went out to the garden, picked some rhubarb and stewed it. After supper we had an impromptu present giving for Jacob’s birthday which is Thursday. The kids got all excited wanting to know what was for dessert and my sister started laughing. Rhubarb. Except this time it really was rhubarb. The happiness moment today. 

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That time of year 

This is my favourite time of the year in Alberta. Words don’t do justice to how amazingly beautiful it is here right now. When I drive through the Hay Valley in the mornings, I have to stop and drink in how many different colours of green God is able to use to paint the landscape. It leaves me full of awe and hope. 

I’m putting extra effort into enjoying the beginning of summer this year. This will be the second summer in a row the kids and I have spent at the ranch, but the first time in 10 years we have lived here. That is a blessing unto itself. But, this time of year was also  when Dad would really come alive. He loved watching the flowers come out, loved planting the garden. He even seemed to love weeding the garden. I know God had a reason that He took Dad back right at the beginning of his time of the year, but I don’t know what that is. I do know that as a way of honouring Dad’s memory I will appreciate and enjoy the hell out of this summer. 

This morning was beautiful. I came home from school dropoff and spent some time in my garden. I could spend hours working on this garden and I am so in love with it. Quiet time outside making our house a home, literally putting down roots. 

After I gardened, I took some bedding out of the washing machine and hung it up outside to get dried by the sun’s kisses. Then, right before I had to start doing dishes I stopped and looked outside at my garden. 

The view from my kitchen window.  
My happiness moment today. Quietly digging in the garden. Allowing memories of previous years of gardening with Dad to come and shine in my heart. Smiling and crying at the same time with the flood of memories.  I am so blessed.  

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I’m ok, I’m ok, I’m not ok, I’m fine ….

That pretty much describes my emotions lately. I think I’m ok, I act like I’m ok and then suddenly I’m not ok. 

Today my sister, the kids, and I went to Spruce Meadows. One of my happy places. It’s changed so much since it used to be one of my haunting grounds back when I was showing. It’s grown and become much more of a family place. While this is a good thing for them, I still love just going and watching the horses jump. I don’t need anything else. Jenna made me feel like I’d failed as her mom when she said oh Spruce Meadows… The place with the dogs?  

So we went and did some kid things and then we went and watched some jumping. We were happily watching when a lady in front of us tripped on the stairs and fell face first down on the ground.  She lay there for a long time while they waited for the paramedics saying that she had done something to her hip. There were  people there helping her and the situation was under control so I had nothing to do but watch. Which I had to do since it was right at my feet. 

I was sitting there watching her be looked after by caring and competent people and I was totally fine. Then all of a sudden I was in blubbering tears. Just watching this scene unfold brought up so many emotions. It made me realize how completely emotionally raw I am and how little it takes to set me off. 

As my sister and I have decided that  when people ask how are you?  We respond by saying I’m fine. Fine being Fucked up, Insecure, Neurotic, Emotional. Just FINE thanks. 

I know things get better, but sometimes I feel normal and then the reminder of Dad’s death sneaks up and kicks me in the gut. 

My happiness moment today was at Spruce Meadows, and while I certainly had happiness moments watching the horses, my moment came lying in the shade on the grass by the kids’ playground. 

 
Just lying there and looking up at the sky. A moment of happiness.  

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Lord of the Dance 

The end of a very long day. The day of my Dad’s funeral. A day that I thought would be a horribly difficult day. And yet…..while it was a difficult and very emotional day, there was a lot of healing and beauty and celebration too. Oddly enough, I laughed more today than I have in the week since he died. 

I could feel him there with us. While I miss him so deeply, and wanted to reach out into that feeling and grab a hold of him, I was thankful to be able to stand there with that feeling of love all around.

The outpouring of love was immense. It was so amazing to see all those little things that I loved about him that others loved about him too. How fully he was able to share his gifts with the world. The talks people gave  made me laugh and cry – sometimes at the same time. The power of the emotions they shared as they described the impact that my Dad made on their lives blew me away. I feel so honoured to have such a strong tribe of people around me. 

At the reception after I saw people I haven’t seen in years. Since childhood. Old babysitters, teachers, neighbours, friends. To share this emotional experience with so many people who had strong emotional ties to my Dad helped me intensely. I feel truly blessed. 

I will write more about it, but now I am tired and over whelmed and in need of sleep. 

The funeral ended with the hymn Lord of the Dance which is one of my favourites. 

Dad would have loved to have seen the outpouring of love shone on him. He gave his love and loved with his heart, and today it was obvious how many people felt that love and were shining it back. 

Happiness moment today happened a few ways. I laughed and visited with childhood friends. I honoured my dad and the life he lived. In one funny moment Jenna was talking about her supper which included tofu “mommy, I liked my supper – but I’m not sure how I felt about the TOE FOOD. I didn’t really care for that.”

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