Today we spent the day at home bugging each other. It was really nice to not have to drive anywhere and just enjoy some home time with the monsters. I am so grateful for the relationship we have and that we genuinely enjoy each other. Happiness.
Tag Archives: divorce
Feet on the ground
I spent a lot of time today taking about faith and life and other good, deep stuff. First with a cousin/life long friend and then with the boy. It was almost like one conversation flowed into the next one even though they happened hours apart – it was pretty cool.
I need those kinds of chats that let me explore where I am in my faith and how other people see theirs.
The boy summed up our anxiety issue well tonight. We were talking about horses and basketball and how they ground us and open our spiritual paths (horses for me, basketball and other sports for him). He said it’s true what they say – depression is worrying about the past, anxiety is worrying about the future. We need to find the things that help put our feet on the ground right now in the present moment and live in it.
Wise words from a 15 year old.
That’s what today did for me, and what I’m working at balancing into – finding the things that keep my feet on the ground and focusing on the present moment.
My tribe. It’s full of awesome and wise people. Happiness.
You are really beautiful
Tonight I had to take the girl into urgent care (again) because she was having some bad tummy pain. I swear we are their most frequent clients.
The staff at the Cochrane urgent care are fantastic and always go out of their way to make sure my kids are well cared for and feel safe.
The girl had to get some blood taken and she is terrified of needles. The nurse spent a lot of time talking with her and making sure she felt ok about what was happening. When she was done and we were talking, the nurse turned to my girl and said you are so beautiful, look at that face… just … wow…. look at you. You are so beautiful.
On the way home my girl turned to me and said I was feeling so crappy and that nice lady told me over and over how beautiful I am. It made me feel so good.
We got home and her brother wanted to know how she was feeling and what the doctor had said and all he got out of her was the lady looking after me said I was so beautiful. It made me feel so good.
Little bits of kindness go a long way. Happiness. Love.
(By the way she should be fine. It seems the stress of the last few weeks caught up with her and this is how her body displays it.)
Couch potato
My girl is still sick, her poor tummy just won’t give her a break.
We spent a good part of the day with her cuddled up next to me on the couch watching movies. I tried to multitask and get some studying done, but mostly just held onto her while she felt crappy. I consider it a huge blessing that I am able to be there for the kids in the many ways they need me. It’s been a rough couple of weeks emotionally and I’m sure part of this is the fallout from that.
Eddie the Eagle (again), Peanuts Movie, The Goldbergs – she had some good for the soul couch time with her mama. Happiness
Movie night
We had a bit of a tummy bug in the house today. That added to the stress that has been pummeling my family meant we really have needed to stop and slow things a bit.
We all sat together tonight and watched Ice Age Collision Course – we love the Ice Age movies. I have really realized over the last couple of days we need to refocus on love and peace. We let some evil and hurtful forces enter into our energy fields and that is exactly we have worked so hard to heal from. It will be a continuous journey, but one I am dedicated to leading us on.
Happiness – sitting with my monsters and laughing at a movie. What a blessing they are.
Recharge
For the first time in weeks we didn’t have to go anywhere today and we took full advantage of a recharge day. We are better rested and more relaxed than we have been in ages. I know I feel more grounded and centered than I have been in a long time. I’ve been feeling very energetically blocked for a while and I feel like I’ve managed to shift some of that around.
A quiet day at home with the monsters. Happiness.
Safe place
I have realized over the past couple of weeks that even though I strive to provide a safe environment, even though I have worked so hard to feel safe and to make the kids feel safe, that in fact we are very insecure in our feeling of safety. I believe we are safe here, but I think because we were unsafe for so long that those fears are hiding not far beneath the surface.
Although I was very conscious of the fact that we actually were unsafe when we were living that life, I had no choice but to stuff that feeling as far down as I could and try and keep moving ahead – not only for myself but for my kids too. I didn’t realize until lately how fearfully unsafe they felt during that time as well. I don’t know what I could have done differently, but I wish they didn’t carry that burden as part of their life history. Now that there has been some time and some healing I seem to need to go back into that space and acknowledge the fact that there was no safe place, no grounding, that it was in fact a very scary time. I wasn’t making it up or exaggerating it, it really was that bad. I have journals of that time that make me cry whenever I open them (which isn’t often – too much pain).
I went out for a walk today and without consciously intending to, ended up at my safe place. This is the place I visualize when I need to stop, breathe deeply, and imagine where I am when I feel safe. It’s a spot that is filled with decades of my footprints. Skating, swimming, walking, horseback riding – I’ve been here with loved ones, on my own, with my horse, with my dog. It’s my sacred ground. It’s funny, when I was away I spent time in my memory on many parts of the ranch, but not often here. It wasn’t until we were back and I was out walking that I remembered how much of my childhood I had spent in this spot.
I realized as I was standing in my safe place, taking in the security and the beauty of my surroundings, that I need to come to a safe place within myself. I think one of the hardest things to heal has been the fact that I lost faith in myself. Part of that was years of him telling me what a stupid, useless piece of crap I was, part of that was me not listening to my intuition, not trusting myself, and instead following someone who I knew was not being true to me. I lost faith, or the ability to trust myself, and that means I couldn’t feel safe within myself. I am learning to have faith in myself, I am learning that I can trust in the fact that I can look after myself and my kids. I will get to that safe place within myself.
And until I do, I need to remember that I have this place that lets me know what safe feels like. Being there is pure happiness.
It’s Canadian camouflage – the dotted dog and the grey horse
Our swimming/skating spot
End of season
Basketball season came to an end tonight. They have their all every single game. It actually looked like maybe they were going to win for a while tonight. But even when it didn’t they continued to play with heart and with class.
I’ve learned a lot this year watching other coaches and other parents. Our coach is the one who has taught our boys to play with class and integrity. All the way through he conducted himself in such an admirable way. Such a good example for the boys.
Happiness moment today was watching my boy sprint out on the court and play his heart out. He’s gained so much from this season.
Take a back road
We had some unpleasantness to deal with this morning in the form of having to get things lined up to take to my lawyer because Mr. X is refusing to cooperate once again. Shocker, I know.
The decision was made to counter that yuck with some happiness. So we took a back road and enjoyed the beauty of where we live.
We headed to Nanton and then did a beautiful scenic drive around the area. I mean seriously, paradise.
And I think we found a house that is older than ours….
It calmed all of our souls. The kids make fun of me because I’m always going on about the mountains, but I heard them gasp more than once – and I was told to pull over so they could take in the scenery a few times. I love that they have such a deep appreciation for the beauty of where we live. This is what make my spirit happy.
Happiness may not mean that things are perfect all the time. But we can choose to keep looking for the happy moments. There are always some to be found.
I love this little family, I love my extended tribe, and I love where we live. There is a lot of peace and gratitude in all of that.
Our refuge
As you may know, we have been really struggling this week. I have felt like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders as I have tried to provide a safe place to fall for my boy while he’s in crisis, and the girl too who is pained as she watches her brother suffer. It’s been overwhelming and I have really struggled knowing what is the right thing to do. I have also been incredibly angry- angry at how things have turned out, angry at the person who caused this trauma, angry at this whole situation. Anger isn’t going to get me anywhere, I am well aware of that, but it’s been my companion this week nevertheless.
I woke up this morning feeling pretty lost. I just wanted to lie in bed and cry – tempting but not an option. I said a little prayer (ok, I yelled at God a little bit) and asked what I was supposed to be doing? What do I need to get us through this?
We got our lazy butts to church – a little late – but we got there. The sermon was about how God is our refuge.
God is our refuge and strength a very present help in trouble
Of course.
You know, there has been a lot of crap go down in our lives over the past few years. Every time I have tried to *do* something it’s either made it worse or nothing has happened at all. But, when I have stopped everything – and I mean everything – and prayed, miracles have happened. We have had small miracles and some really freaking big miracles happen to us over the past few years.
I kind of forgot I had this place of refuge and strength.
I have kept coming back to the words of the therapist last week – that healing can’t happen when we don’t feel safe. And as long as Mr. X has any say in things he will do whatever he can to make sure we don’t feel safe and can’t heal. And I have been running around trying to put out the fires he sets while draining myself of everything I have in an attempt to make us feel safe. But, the only time that burden has ever been lifted, and when we actually do feel safe, is when I have handed it all over to God.
He is our place of refuge and strength.
Sitting in church with the two people I love most in the world while we were reminded that we already had the keys to our place of refuge and strength – that is happiness on such a deep level. We will keep healing, we just need to remember that we have this place of refuge that is with us no matter where we go.
