Tag Archives: faith

happiness

Faith or Fear

A year ago tomorrow I had an appointment to see a divorce lawyer. I was so scared and feeling vulnerable and completely blindsided. I had no idea what was ahead, all I knew was that the decision he made to sever finances from his wife and children was going to change our family and the rest of our lives.

The first couple of months after I filed for divorce were completely filled with fear. But the battle of fear vs faith was one I was familiar with. Years before when I knew that my life needed a change I sat quietly with God and realized that either I trusted Him completely or I didn’t. After having tried extensively to fix my life myself (and failing brutally), I handed it over to God in faith and everything changed.

I had to learn that lesson all over again last year. And I learned to walk in faith, I learned to trust God completely, I understood there was a plan and I just had to follow. I mean, I didn’t follow perfectly, and I certainly swore a lot at God (and doubted him too), but overall I learned to have faith and (more difficult), patience.

(Let’s be honest, I had to learn that lesson the year before as well as we were watching my dad die. It’s one of those lessons that I say ok, thanks God, that was brutal I have learned my lesson. I’ll never forget it. Please don’t be that harsh again. And then I forget and have to learn the lesson all over again)

Lately there have been fear feelings again. I don’t know why, my intuition just tells me that big changes are coming. This intuition has given me the heads up a few times over the past couple of years and has been dead on every single time, so I pay attention. I don’t know what the changes are, I don’t particularly embrace change, but I know that it happens no matter how I feel about it.

I came across this quote:

And I realized how true it is. I can either stress about whatever change is brewing, or I can walk ahead in faith.

This photo was taken almost 10 years ago when we moved from Quebec to Rhode Island. It was a big, scary move – and a huge leap of faith. It was also a step into some really, brutally hard years. But those years have also brought me into myself and there’s a huge gift in that. If all that crap hadn’t happened I wouldn’t be who I am today, I wouldn’t know that when the storm hits I can stand in it and walk through with my loved ones. I wouldn’t know that I want to surround myself with people who make me shine brighter instead of those who want to dim my shine.

I’ve changed a lot over the last year. For a while I thought I was changing back into who I was before. But, I’ve realized that’s not the case at all. I have grown into someone completely different than I have even been. For the first time in my life I know my value, I feel my faith, and I trust and love on a level I never knew was possible. So, with all the heartache of the past year there is a lot of gratitude as well. I am glad I had the opportunity to turn into this version of myself.

That is happiness, deep and lasting happiness. Being here with my kids, seeing them smile and trust and love – that is happiness. Watching them grow, seeing them bond with their tribe – happiness that bursts my heart.

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Movies and the mountains 

It was another rough day dealing with the cold. I thought I was getting better, but my sore throat decided to come back. Fortunately there wasn’t a lot that had to get done today and I was able to spend it quietly watching movies. All those movies that got put on the pvr over Christmas to watch during quiet times that never happened are sure appreciated now. 

The one thing I did this morning was drive over to my cousin’s house. It was a beautiful morning and I went slowly and really appreciated the beauty of where we live. 


I’ve realized lately that I haven’t been really successful in processing a lot of the emotions and events of the last few years. I’m learning how to do that now. What I keep coming back to is how incredibly grateful I am that God brought us back home, that we have this safe and wonderful place to be, and how happy I am to be here. 

It’s breathing life and love back into my soul, and that is happiness. 

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Taking flight 

Today my little birthday project took a huge step towards being a reality. I have backing and support, I have ideas and tools to use to move ahead. It’s happening! I’m pretty excited. 

The thought of being able to share happiness with a child who needs it is really exciting – not only for me but for my kids too. 

By next month Celebrate Every Child should be throwing our first party!! That is huge happiness! 

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Sunrise with Derek and survival mode

We have been enjoying some pretty amazing skies lately, and this morning I was fortunate enough to get outside and see the day break with my good buddy Derek. Look at that little face! How can you not love him. It warmed my heart to  start the day getting cuddles from this little dude (Peaches and George are in the back ground, the less-talked-about orphan calves).

Happiness

We finally got our lazy butts back to church after almost a month of finding many reasons to sleep in and it felt really good. I love my women’s group, and I always get so much out of the sermon.

The topic today was how to step out of the shadow of being in survival mode. This is exactly what I have come to the realization lately that I need to do. The last few years have been all about survival – there has been a lot of growth as well – but survival has been the driving force. I feel sometimes like all I do is run around and put out fires and that I never actually get to move ahead to where I want to be. My body tells me I am survival mode as it is exhausted from holding my being in a constant stressed state of flight or flight. And you know what? The danger, the stress, the fear…. it’s not present in my life anymore. I don’t need to be in survival mode. It’s like my soul, my body, my being does not know how to let go of being in survival mode.

All of that I have known for a while, but my question was how do I get out of it? Because trust me, I have been working hard to get there.

Our pastor had some ideas.

Stay the course. Show up every day, be strong and courageous to do what God wants regardless of the outcome. Work from a faith based perspective rather than an outcome based one. 

Fear keeps you from coming out of the shadows (Oh my.. this is so me). Identify your fears, look them in the eye, then list the ways that God has been faithful. I have taken huge leaps of faith the past couple of years, and I am learning how to do this one, but fear has held me back from taking chances and achieving great things my whole life.

Experience God’s word every day of your life. And remember, you can read God’s word, study His word, and not still not hear Him. We need to hear Him. I need to hear Him. Sometimes I get so busy telling Him what I want I don’t stop to listen to what He is telling me.

And then this:

Genesis 12:1-2

Now the Lord said to Abram, “Go from your country and your kindred and your father’s house to the land that I will show you. 2 I will make of you a great nation, and I will bless you, and make your name great, so that you will be a blessing.

And he went.

Going where God wants us to go is never without leaving something behind. We need to ask what we need to leave behind in order to come out of the shadows.

The last couple of years I have left so much behind. There has been a lot of pain – some of that I have left behind, some of that I still carry with me (some of it my children still carry and I carry their burden as well). I have a pretty good idea of what I need to leave behind to come out of the shadows. I am no longer a victim. I was put in that role, and I have played it for a long time. I am no longer his victim and I don’t have to carry the emotional burden that comes along with that. I can learn to leave that behind. It has been almost a year now since I filed for divorce, I have learned so much, have gained more strength than I thought possible, know that there was no truth to that life we were living, it’s time to learn how to come out of the shadows. I’m ready. That is also happiness.

 

 

 

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Body and soul 

I had an interesting body/mind/soul connection talk with my massage therapist today. He was doing a CST treatment – which is so trauma healing, I am so excited about all the good it’s doing for me – and he asked if my physical body often manifested my emotional issues. I laughed and said hell yes. 

Honestly it’s been something that even though I’ve tried to honor and respect has led me to the end of my patience on many occasions. I know we shouldn’t compare ourselves to others, but sometimes I can’t help but look at people who I know are way more screwed up than I am and their bodies still seem to be strong. 

He reminded me that my body is enough in tune with my spirit that when I am out of balance my body shows symptoms of it right away. In many senses that is a blessing. I know and have to focus right away on what my body is telling me, and that’s how I heal. 

Sometimes though I just wish the healing would be faster. Then I look back at where I came from. It’s pretty amazing. 

My moment of happiness was remembering that my mind, body, and soul are all working as hard as they can to return to balance and health. I’m so grateful for all the love and support that I have around me as I walk this path. I’m happy to be healing. 

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Full day 

For the first time since her concussion over a month ago, my girl managed to do a full day of school.  She’s not totally healed yet, and thank goodness we had 2 weeks of break so she could relax and let her body get better, but it’s a start.

I’ve been so worried about her, she’s been brave and strong, but it’s caused her a lot of pain and angst. We have this amazing healing team who have been working so lovingly with her to help return her back to her old self. 

Picking her up after school today and seeing her smile because she was back with her friends was my happiness moment. 

My other one was on the way home this morning. It was super cold, but so beautiful. I am grateful every day that God brought us back home where we are loved and safe. 

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Celebrate every child 

A couple of months ago I mentioned I’d had this divine inspiration and was working on a project. In order to see my dream come to life I needed some support and backing and now I have it –  it’s becoming a reality. 

At the end of September I was in a sad heart place and took myself to church. When I walked in the church I was grabbed onto by a lady who told me about a spiritual gifts session that was starting and she said I should join it. I was feeling kind of lost spiritually and wasn’t sure of my gifts or value I headed to the group, knowing that God had sent this lady my way. 

I loved it. I’m still part of the group and it’s one of my highlights of the week 

At the end of the session I had this idea come to me. Actually it came from God via my friend Maggie in Boston. She helps at a local homeless shelter where they provide birthday parties for the children who are staying there. I realized that there are likely kids in Cochrane who for various reasons aren’t having birthday parties. And I strongly feel that every child deserves to be celebrated. 

So, the church has agreed to support me in my quest to make Celebrate Every Child come to life. We are going to have one party a month for a local child, and celebrate them!!

I’m so excited and so happy that this is all coming together so easily. It really was an answer to my prayer – I talked to the right person at the right church and they see the value in my vision. 

Happiness is best when shared. This is a very deeply felt happiness moment for me. 

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Someone to take you home 


We said goodbye to my godmother today at her funeral in Cochrane. It was a small gathering of loved ones but there were so many memories and so much love brought into that church. 

When I was a kid and Cochrane was still a small town,  there were three families who joined together  because of their businesses being side by side. There was Mackay’s Ice Cream, my parent’s  law firm, and the Doctor’s office. As a result, the Mackays the Ramsays and the Mcquittys  have been family friends for as long as I can remember. 

In the last two years all of us “kids” (in our 40s and 50s now) have lost a parent and have all held each other up in love and support. It’s been a rough couple of years for a lot of people. 

I didn’t really get a lot out of the funeral service in the church. I’m not sure why, it could have just been the emotional place I was in. I just found it didn’t give me what I was looking for in terms of supporting my faith and having some closure. 

I decided to go to the graveyard for the internment ceremony and I’m really glad I did. She was buried in the old graveyard in town where all the other old Cochrane family members are. My grandparents and the Mackay parents among them – as well as uncle George (auntie Mary’s husband, who ironically also died on Christmas Day years ago). 

There was a lot of comfort in knowing she was being laid to rest among family and friends. Normally I’m not a fan of graveyards, but I’ve always found a lot of comfort at that one. When I was a kid my grandma used to walk me through it and tell me about family members and neighbours who were buried there. 

The priest in the church service kept talking about how death was painful. I prefer to think of it another way, in these words from Robyn Mackay after losing her mom just a few months before I lost my dad:

 Love, is one of the forces in life that leads all of us directly into suffering, because we will ultimately lose every person and everything that we love.  

After dad died, MOM is the one who taught me to be fearless enough to love anyway, without conditions, and take the great risk that loving HER, would break my heart. 
I have blogged this passage before and I return to it often to find comfort during times of loss. They’re wise words. Loving someone will hurt, but we need to be fearless enough to do it anyway. Otherwise you end up living a life without love, and that’s a pretty empty existence. 

My happiness moment was standing in the graveyard feeling the love and comfort of those beloved members of my tribe who have gone on before me. And as a secondary, more badass moment, Jenna and I found some kind of joy in being able to run red lights through town as part of the funeral procession. 

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Stinky Pig Game

I was kind of funky feeling this morning. I had some rather unpleasant interactions with Mr. X, somehow having forgotten that bullying and intimidation seem to be the name of the game. It’s a game I’ll never get used to no matter how many years I have endured it.

Determined to shake it off, I had a short nap which immediately had me in better spirits. I have been so run down over the past few years, all the emotional stress and turmoil of things that have been going on. I feel like I could go away and sleep for weeks just to get caught up. It helped though, rest and a clear head make things so much better.

I took the boy into town and we did some birthday shopping for the girl. That kid is so funny and he brightens my soul and my day in ways I can’t even express. By the end of our time I felt lighter, happier, and filled with love and gratitude.

We came home and played the Stinky Pig Game which is guaranteed for laughs. He said this better be your happiness moment, and it is. I also love that he looks for happiness moments in every day because of my blog.

I feel like we have been able to really stop and focus on our little family this holiday season. The three of us are really tight anyway and we spend a lot of time together, but there has been a lot of bonding, laughter, and really good memories made over the past few weeks. I’m really grateful for that and it brings me much joy and happiness.

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A success 

My Christmas goal for my little family his year was simple (and yet not simple at all) – we were going to have a fun Christmas. The kids were finally going to be able to look back on a year and say that was a good Christmas. 

The last few years have been filled with so much trauma and stress, both inside our small family and in our larger family. All I wanted was for them to say this was a good Christmas. It’s important they have really good childhood memories to look back on. 

Jacob walked up to me today and said you know mom, this was a real fun Christmas. I had a good time. 

Success. Happiness. Gratitude. Love. 

And what they will remember isn’t the things they got but the things we did. Those are the memories. 

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