Tag Archives: happiness

happiness

First day of spring 

I am so happy that today is the first day of spring. I love this season for many reasons (the biggest being that it means that the cold is hopefully on it’s way out), but this year I find more than ever I need the reminder that change is possible. I need to change how I am dealing with things. It seems that Mr. X plans on spending a lifetime trying to keep us in a place where we are insecure and fearful. We just got through the emotional  episode he created a few weeks ago and now are in a financial one where he is apparently refusing not only to pay for the ordered treatments for the kids, but also the support payment for this month.  It seems to be the one way he figures he has left to cause pain and chaos and he wants to push it until I break.

Except I’m not going to break again. The last few weeks have really made me realize that I need to strengthen my coping skills when it comes to him. I can’t allow this kind of chaos to reign in our home.

Obviously I can’t change who he is or how he rolls, but I sure can change how I deal with it. I think I have finally realized that no matter how much I hope or pray (and I have for years) that he will turn into someone I could trust or even just have a basic polite relationship with, that’s not going to happen. I hope I have anyway – it’s painful to want someone to turn into the kind of person you know they could be but to know it’s probably never going to happen.

But, here we are in a season of change. I get to decide how I am going to handle things as we move ahead. I am not going to spend the foreseeable future feeling insecure and afraid.

I was reminded in church yesterday that loved people know how to love and that it is important that we receive love so that we know how to give love. The main focus of our home has always been love, but somehow fear and anger got caught up inside of that and it changed things.

I need to make sure that our home is once again filled with love so that we can go out into the world and share love. We all need to know how to give and receive love. So, I am going to hand off my feelings of fear and anger to my higher power and to the people here who can deal with it, and I’m going to go back to loving. Part of stepping out of my fear is being able to stand up to him and not allow the way I am being treated to continue any longer. It’s not ok.

Happiness today is knowing that the season is changing and so am I. It’s been a long ass road.

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Splashing in mud

We took my car on a back road today and splashed in as many of the puddles as possible. Hearing my boy howl with laughter as the muddy water sprayed over the top of the car was one of the best sounds I’ve heard in ages. Deep and true happiness 


It’s starting to feel like spring – the days are getting longer, the eagles are flying, the people are smiling more. A season for change. 

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Wasn’t that a party 

We celebrated my uncle’s 80th birthday today with a huge party at the Hall. This guy has always been a bonus dad for me (I call him uncle-dad) and a bonus grandpa for my kids. He’s pretty cool.

It was a wonderful afternoon spent visiting with the community – friends and family – lots of people I haven’t seen in ages. And the Hall looked amazing, just like it is supposed to look with an old-time feel.

As someone who spent years floating as part of  a lost little pod of people in various places, I can’t express properly what it means to be part of this community, to know that we have this place where we are from, where we belong. Everyone has a family of some sort, but our family is really pretty unique – both in size and in the way it functions.

It is a deep kind of happiness, one that I carry with me all the time. An extra happiness was celebrating the birthday of one of my favourite people – I have always looked up to and admired this guy – I am really lucky that he’s my uncle.

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Signs of spring 

We did a little driving around this afternoon and aside from the puddles everywhere there are some new signs of spring. I passed a gopher running along the road and we saw three bald eagles. We do have a few eagles that stay year round but I think these were new ones. 

I am ready to say goodbye to the cold, dark times of winter and jump into spring. It is happiness. 

Taken with my iPhone. He was huge!

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Spring forward 

It was beautiful outside today – for the first time in what feels like forever it was actually nice enough to go outside for a walk with my Dotted Dog. When I don’t do it on a regular basis, I forget how balancing just walking outside in nature is for my spirit.

I walked a path that holds so many memories for me – memories of my childhood, my horses, my dad. Usually when I do this walk I am filled with emotions about times past, in the last couple of years it has usually involved some tears as I pass by the spot where we scattered some of Dad’s ashes.

Today though, there were the old memories sitting there like old friend, but there was also a lot of looking forward in anticipation for the future. I was thinking about all the new footprints we will be leaving here as little memory banks. We have been working so hard these last few years to remove the unpleasantness of the past, it is really nice to be able to have reached a place where I can begin to look ahead with excitement and hope.

I am understanding that Mr. X will always try and send as much hate, chaos, and fear as he possibly can my way. That is just how life is going to be. But, I am learning better coping mechanisms – I am building a better support system – and my reactions are lessening. That allows me to be able to look ahead with joy more often than looking over my shoulder in fear.

Happiness was watching my happy, happy dog running all over the place, happiness was standing in this place I love so much and feeling that there are joyful things coming ahead.

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Happier calm

It seems like we are coming back to a happier kind of calm again. I am learning that I need to be able to provide safety and peace in our home no matter what is being thrown at us. So it’s the learning process of keeping myself grounded and focused on what’s important. 

It felt like that today. Things are shifting inside and out. I feel new energy coming to me and the cold weather seems to finally have left us. All of that is happiness. 

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A day at the zoo

The kids and I went with a dear family friend to the zoo today. It was the first time in ages we had gone and seen the animals – I haven’t been since before the flood. It was kind of chilly but it actually made it perfect as there were barely any other people there. 

When the boy was little I used to take him a few times a week to the zoo – it was our thing and it has lots of good memories. I was kind of surprised at how much the kids still enjoyed it now. 


It was just simple happiness – together with our friend enjoying the day. One of the small happiness moments that make up the big happiness memories. 

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Derek with his crew 

This afternoon the girls and I went and visited Derek with his crew – it was the first time we had seen him in a while. 


He has grown – still cute but less like a baby. 

On our  way home we stopped and had a really nice visit with my aunt and uncle. I don’t do that often enough, but that was one of the things I missed most about home – impromptu visits. 

Happiness – Derek and his crew, us and our crew. 

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Feet on the ground

I spent a lot of time today taking about faith and life and other good, deep stuff. First with a cousin/life long friend and then with the boy. It was almost like one conversation flowed into the next one even though they happened hours apart – it was pretty cool. 

I need those kinds of chats that let me explore where I am in my faith and how other people see theirs. 

The boy summed up our anxiety issue well tonight. We were talking about horses and basketball and how they ground us and open our spiritual paths (horses for me, basketball and other sports for him). He said it’s true what they say – depression is worrying about the past, anxiety is worrying about the future. We need to find the  things that help put our feet on the ground right now in the present moment and live in it. 

Wise words from a 15 year old. 

That’s what today did for me, and what I’m working at balancing into – finding the things that keep my feet on the ground and focusing on the present moment. 

My tribe. It’s full of  awesome and wise people. Happiness. 

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You are really beautiful 

Tonight I had to take the girl into urgent care (again) because she was having some bad tummy pain. I swear we are their most frequent clients. 

The staff at the Cochrane urgent care are fantastic and always go out of their way to make sure my kids are well cared for and feel safe. 

The girl had to get some blood taken and she is terrified of needles. The nurse spent a lot of time talking with her and making sure she felt ok about what was happening. When she was done and we were talking, the nurse turned to my girl and said you are so beautiful, look at that face… just … wow…. look at you. You are so beautiful. 

On the way home my girl turned to me and said I was feeling so crappy and that nice lady told me over and over how beautiful I am. It made me feel so good. 

We got home and her brother wanted to know how she was feeling and what the doctor had said and all he got out of her was the lady looking after me said I was so beautiful. It made me feel so good. 

Little bits of kindness go a long way. Happiness. Love. 

(By the way she should be fine. It seems the stress of the last few weeks caught up with her and this is how her body displays it.)

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