Tag Archives: happiness

happiness

Holding on and letting go Drishti style

Something I have been working on for years is finding the balance between holding on and letting go. Drishti decided I needed a lesson today on how it is important to know when to let go when what I want to do is hold on because of fear. I’m so tired of fear holding me back.

He’s 10 but he’s still green in most ways – he wasn’t broke until he was 7 and spent most of the last 3 years doing trail rids or chilling in the field so when I bought him last week I was all excited about the idea of me being able to teach him things. He’s teaching me so much more.

Something I really like about him is that he’s got lots of pep but barely any spook. Something I have discovered about myself is that I now spook at everything.

Is that going to hurt us? Will he freak out when the geese fly out of the slough? Will he lose his mind when we ride away from the other horses? What if he bolts and bucks?  And a million other things.

Drishti on the other hand just goes along chill as can be checking things out. What he really wants to do is just run and run and have fun. But I, of course, am all there are so many holes in this field. Mole hills everywhere. This is the same field I broke my nose in when I was a kid – wouldn’t it be ironic if I broke it again. What if he takes off and I can’t stop him?

So we are trotting along and I’m grabbing at his bit (holding on) and he’s wanting to move out more and have some fun (just let go). But I’m holding and holding and he’s being so patient but also kind of done with me. He starts slowly pushing his neck further and further out getting the reins longer and longer  (a very sneaky way of getting me to let go) all the while making his trot a little faster and somehow managing to do a trot/canter thinking I won’t notice what he’s doing until finally he’s just cantering.

And suddenly I realize that by letting go of those reins I was finding freedom and having fun.  We were racing across the field, something I have wanted to do for years. I’ve dreamed about it, prayed for it, and almost missed being able to do it today because I wasn’t going to let go. And yet I was still holding on enough that if I needed to I could slow us down, keep us safe.

The balance of holding on and letting go Drishti style. He’s awesome.

I love looking through these ears.

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Brighten the path

One of the biggest issues I struggle with is wanting God to shine a light on this path so I know where I’m going. More than at any other point in my life I feel that I’m on the right path, that God is guiding me and supporting me – and more than at any other point in my life I have no idea at all what is happening in my life. It’s weird to have both the feeling of complete certainty that I’m on the right path and have no idea at all where that path is leading. 

I guess this is what faith is about. 

And I can’t leave the path because every other direction is fear and I can’t go there. I need to follow my heart, listen to my guidance, seek my bliss. 

But damn. Where am I going? 

The struggle is real. 

My Facebook memory popped up from a year ago today and it made me realize how far I’ve come in a year. Today a year ago we were still in that terrible, fear filled state where Mr. X had cut off finances and the court order for support hadn’t been put in place. I look back at how I was then and how much stronger, wiser, braver I am now and I realize how much I have traveled on that path of faith. 

I went for a drive with my boy today and he shared some of his feelings of his growth over the last year. There has been a lot of pain, but has there ever been healing and growth. And knowing that we are deepening our faith, learning to love and trust, and finding freedom – that is happiness. 

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Friend time 

I had a coffee date with a dear friend of mine. I’m really understanding the older I get how important that tribe of girlfriends is. And I’m so lucky to be back here where I have friends who have known me forever. 

This friend and I have shared some of the same struggles and embraced a lot of the same growth over the last few years and it’s so nice to chat with someone who just gets what I’m going through – the good and the bad.  That is true happiness 

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In the field 

Drishti and I made it out of the corral for a real ride in the field today. This was kind of a big deal as it meant I felt confident enough that I wasn’t going I fall off and die in a pile of cow poop (what a terrible way to go). 

It was awesome. We walked and trotted around the field and even though I’m sure he couldn’t see the point of it he happily took me wherever I wanted to go. He’s perfect and exactly what I prayed for. He does so much good for my soul I can’t even explain it.  But parts of me that were missing are back and whole again.  Happiness. 

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Trusting myself 

I think what was much, much harder than when I lost trust and faith in Mr. X was when I lost trust and faith in myself. No matter what your relationship with someone, at some point they’re going to let you down or break your trust (granted some people excel at this a little bit more than others), but losing faith and trust in myself was devastating and is taking a long time to recover from.

It’s happening, I’m learning to trust again,  and I don’t second guess every single thing I do like I used to. I am learning to listen to my intuition again, I am understanding that even so I will make mistakes and that does not make me untrustworthy – just human. But it’s still a process and I’m still filled with more doubt than I want to be.

Horses and riding for me was always a very intuitive thing. More than I ever learned from any person (and I’ve had some great trainers and teachers who have shown me a lot), I’ve learned how to be with horses by trusting my intuition. I’ve always had one horse at a time and we have built a strong and unbreakable bond based on trust and love.

Then suddenly I didn’t have a horse anymore which really sucked as I went into my dark night of the soul years.

I was out with Drishti yesterday and a friend came over to see him. The yard was busy and he was being kind of a butt – not wanting to stand, just being uncomfortable and not listening. Instead of doing what I knew came naturally to me I also turned into an uncomfortable butt which made for a bad combination. My friend grabbed Drishti, sent him out on the lunge line to walk and said just trust your intuition -you know how to do all this, just let go and do it.

She was right and it was exactly what I needed to hear. Just let go of all the doubting voices that are telling me I’m doing things wrong and trust what my heart tells me to do.

So, this morning I went out when it was quiet and I rode and rode. And we bonded and I listened to my intuition, I listened to him, I connected. That’s what riding is for me – it is my Drishti – it lets all the noise of the outside world fade away so I can connect to God.

I have said it many times over the years that the yoga, the meditation, everything I have learned about how to find God, how to relax, how to release the anxiety – it was all things I just had when I was connecting with a horse.

And that is my happiness moment – my quiet circles this morning with my Drishti.

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Too much fun

I really could have my happiness moment just be this one photo. I have waited a lifetime for this to happen again, for the longest time it seemed impossible. Drishti is proof of the power of prayer and my heart has a broken piece put back together. Love is a beautiful thing. 

He loves the girl too….

But there were other moments of happiness today. It was the last Sunday for our pastor at church today, and while it was a sad time, there was also happiness. Happiness that he is following his calling, happiness in the form of a community lunch gathering, happiness that people share faith that there is always a plan even if we can’t see it at the time.

There were happiness moments like the one I felt driving this morning and this evening. The next two photos were almost taken at the same spot – the first of the sunrise reflecting on the mountains this morning and the second of the elk hanging out in the evening. What an amazing place this is where we live.

I feel like I’ve been really impatient with God lately and wanting Him to shine the light a bit further down my path. This weekend, while I don’t feel like the path is brighter, I feel like I have a lot more faith that I am on the right one. It all reveals itself at the right time. 

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This is Drishti

Sometimes gifts really do come from heaven.

This is Drishti. I have prayed for him to come into my life for years. In the dark times, and even in some of the bright ones, I wasn’t sure how it was ever going to be possible for me to have a horse back in my life again. But, I kept praying and praying.

And then literally this gift from heaven came to me in the form of Drishti. Those of you who know me know what a big deal it is to have a horse in my life again. Having that bond and friendship with a horse is what makes my soul whole, it is the easiest way for me to find God, it completes me.

This week I have closed off one major chapter in my life in the form of divorce papers being finalized, and I have reopened one that makes my soul overflow with joy.

Watching my daughter hug on him brought back all the best memories of my childhood. I have spent hours in these corrals and in this barn playing with horses, and here we are again doing the same thing. And he’s such a love!

I am so happy I am unable to even express how I feel. It’s surreal. Two years ago yesterday we landed back home and have been so slowly rebuilding our lives. Drishti reminds me of who I am, who I was. He is my focus, my intention, literally my drishti.

If I had to paint a picture of happiness it would look exactly like this. This is what happiness to the core of my being looks like. This is what moves my soul.

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So here we are 

It has been two years exactly since we landed in Calgary and started a new chapter in our lives. So much has happened since then – death, divorce, love, friendship, pain, healing… we have pretty much covered it all. And not a moment goes by where I am not thanking God for bringing us back home where we belong. 

Being back in our tribe, having people to share our lives with, being able to see the mountains every day – none of this is to be underestimated. 

Healing is hard. Or at least it has been for us. I feel often like we have just managed to heal up some wounds and the attacks come again, or old wounds are reopened. And yet we all are so much farther along than we were even 6 months ago. It all had its time and it all has a lesson. 

I keep coming to that – that I need to make sure I learn the lesson in the experiences because I know they are there and they are changing how I live my life. 

This evening I got together with a couple of my cousins. We are so fortunate that we have this tight group – I was born with a ready made tribe of female friends. We can pretty much share anything with each other which is a rare and important quality in a friend. 

Driving the boy to basketball tonight for his time if happiness I had to pull off the road. The sunset was amazing. 

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The life changers

I realized today that two years ago the kids and I had just said goodbye to our life in Virginia and were on our way home to live… back where we belong. We ended up having to spend the night in Seattle due to some weather issues, but we were on our way home. So much has happened in our family in that time: pain, sorrow, joy, faith, laughter, family. It has been a season of great change. I am starting to feel like the person I was before, and I think the kids are starting to figure out who they are now.

At the very least, we are safe in this life.

At the very most (is that a thing? It should be a thing) we are making bonds with family, planting roots where we already had some growing, making new friends and deepening connections with old ones, healing, growing, learning to fly, settling into a new normal of life.

Today was a good day. A couple of HUGE happiness things happened for me today which I will share down the line. But, let’s just say…. I found my Drishti… I have kept that steady, focused gaze for years… I have had faith… it has coloured how I see the world… I have found my Drishti.

I also, out of complete frustration after a crappy day yesterday, sat down with my Streams In The Desert devotional book and read today’s entry. Honestly I only read it because I was kind of frustrated and pissed with God because it felt like he wasn’t really listening to me. Basically what I got was to calm myself and chill for a bit, that He works in His own time.

Today we may be unable to see the final outcome of the beautiful plan that God has hidden in the shadow of his hand. It may be concealed for a very long time, but our faith may rest in the assurance that God is still seated on His throne. Because of this assurance, we can calmly await the time when, in heavenly delight we will say “all things have worked together for good.”

We should be more careful to focus on learning all of the lessons in the school of sorrow than to focus anxious eyes towards the time of our deliverance. There is a reason behind every lesson, and when we are ready, our deliverance will certainly come. Then we will know we could never have served in our place of higher service without having been taught the very things we learned during our ordeal. God is in the process of educating us for the future service and greater blessings….. 

Don’t steal tomorrow from God’s hands. Give him time to speak to you and reveal His will. He is never late. Learn to wait.

Got it.

And of course today was a day of things falling into place and happiness falling into my heart… my Drishti, my focus, is clear and it’s mine and that is happiness.

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Cards and kids 

The boy and I ended up having some pretty intensive healing stuff happen today. We have an amazing support system of people here in town who are helping guide us to a better place. It amazes me how much stuff there is that seems to need to be addressed. For me it was a big chunk of my life but for them it was their entire lives. 

We were exhausted but knew we had done some big stuff. One thing we had agreed on was making sure our house returned to a place of love instead of one of fear. 

So when we came home we sat at the table and played cards all together for a couple of hours. We laughed, we discovered our competitive sides, we were reminded that I can’t bluff. It was fun – it is the way I want our family to be. Happiness. 

Love is going to win. 

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