Tag Archives: home

Uncategorized

The good, the bad, the happiness in between….

Today I have been in a real pisser of a mood. I’m not sure what has made today any more spectacular in the bad mood department than any other day, but the feeling is here and it’s real.

There’s a couple of specific things that are irritating me, nothing that isn’t a first world problem, but irritating nonetheless. While I was away my cousin discovered that my furnace isn’t working – which means we have no heat. Perhaps not a big deal in some places, but it was snowing here when we landed on Saturday and it’s been cold and crappy since then. Today wasn’t bad, but the old house didn’t seem to know that and held onto the bone chilling cold of the past few days.

Because of this I’m tired, I need to sleep in my own bed, covered in purring cats. The purring cats and the lonely dog agree with me – they’re not happy that they’re alone at night.

Jenna was home sick today. While that’s really a poor Jenna thing, I managed to make it about me and was all I never ever get any time to do the things I need to do. My course work is so neglected because I’m always running around after people and I never have a freaking moment’s peace.

I had a massage today. I have found a wonderful woman who not only is working out all the tension and the anger and sad emotions that I’ve been storing in my hips (see where this is going?) but she knows how to release my jaw so that pretty soon I will actually be able to chew food on both sides – and maybe even not walk around with it clenched all the time. What a blessing that is!

I’m pretty sure she hit my anger button today as she was releasing things and it has just about sent me off the cranky deep end. The good thing is after all the work I’ve been doing I know this is just a feeling and that it will pass. Sometimes I can separate from that feeling and just allow it to work itself out of me – which is what it needs to do.

So, as I’ve been observing (and sometimes actively participating) in these pissy feelings I’ve come back to the intention of my blog. Happiness. Thank goodness I decided to follow 44 days of happiness last January when I turned 44, and I’m even more grateful that I decided to continue looking for a moment of happiness in every day since then. Because even with all the trials and tribulations of this year there has always been a moment of happiness in every day.

The flip side of my cranky feelings of today are these:

This wonderful, old, loving house we live in. I love it, the kids love it, it has been home since the moment we walked in the door. For some reason the past few days I’ve when been talking to people, I’ve told them the story of the miracle of how we returned home. This old house was empty and when I was home at Christmas time there were no appliances, the rooms were boarded off, there was no working toilet and it was just not in good shape. When I called on a Monday and said we were moving home I asked if it was possible for us to move into that house. By Sunday when we arrived, my cousins and aunt and uncle had cleaned the house, put in temporary furniture, bought some basic groceries (cheese and buns for that boy of mine), put appliances in, and even left a huge bar of chocolate. My Dad let me use his old car  so I was able to get around, and after he died my sister let me use her old car that she had been in the process of gifting to Dad.

If ever I doubted that miracles happen, the wings that lifted us up and brought us back home have convinced me that we are very much loved and very much supported and that with love absolutely anything can happen.

While my furnace isn’t working my mom has very graciously opened her doors to the kids and I to crash here. We can be messy and annoying and loud and she has been so kind about letting us stay here.

So, when you compare all that love and kindness and support to something as insignificant as the furnace not working – the scales are definitely tipped in favour of the happiness, loving, wonderful side.

Every time I have gotten frustrated today at being overly needed by kids and have groaned inside about it, they have either said something funny or come over and given me one of those awesome kid hugs followed by I love you mom. There is no better feeling in the world than that. I would never, ever trade being needed and loved for being alone and unnecessary. I consider those two my greatest blessings. Again, no contest – the happiness side of that coin is the winner.

As an aside, I spent a great part of the day angry about the fact that I’d lost my headphones. I had racked my brain trying to figure out where I had left then and finally I was forced to come to the conclusion that someone had broken into the house and stolen them (yes, only them – they had left everything of value and not messed anything up, but stolen them for certain). I found then in my backpack just a little while ago and did a little dance of happiness.

I’m so thankful for my happiness project and how it continues to steer me in the direction of joy, peace, bliss and happiness. I’m even thankful that these pissed off emotions are working their way through me, because the other option is that they stay stuffed in my hips forever and that’s not desirable.

My happiness moment today was watching Jenna walk across the room holding Aladdin. She holds him like a baby and from the front all you can see is a big ball of fur snuggled into her chest. She walked past me and he had his arm around her back giving her a huge hug. He loves that girl so much and spent most of the day cuddled up with her helping her feel better.

Standard
Uncategorized

Shriners and horses 

 The kids and I went to the Cochrane Labour Day Parade this morning. It’s been at least 10 years since I’ve been (so Jenna has never been and if Jacob has it was when he was a toddler) and it is my all time favorite parade. 

When I was little I used to ride my horse in the parade as a part of the Cochrane Pony Club, then later on I became a very happy spectator. They used to hand out little Dixie  Cups of ice cream and we would park our bums on the sidewalk and wave at friends and neighbors as they passed by. 

As my cousin and I were waiting for the parade to start she mentioned that her favorite part of a parade were the marching bands. That she wished that there were more bands in this parade and why weren’t any of the Stampede bands in it?

I said that to me the best thing about a parade were the Shriners and the horses. The Cochrane parade is full of both. No wonder it’s the best parade of all in my mind.

I mean who wouldn’t want to drive around in a little Dukes of Hazzard car??

 

 I was also saved my typical anxiety/panic attack as aside from the one I saw walking on the sidewalk, the parade was completely clown free. 

Happiness moment. Sharing one of my favorite events with my kids. Extra happiness moment was being with my cousin. So good to be back in the tribe. 

I wrote the other day about the song May It Be and how Jacob and I both came to love that song separately. We claim to have very different tastes in music, but once in a while our tastes align in the most unexpected ways. 

This morning when driving into town Crazy Train by Ozzie Osbourn came on. He reached for the volume on the radio and at the same time I was turning it up on the steering wheel. Fellow metal heads. Who knew!!?! Neither of us look like typical headbanger type people- he a jock and me living in yoga pants. But, I have always loved heavy metal from the 80s. And since Jacob didn’t know that about me it made it ok for him to like it too! Even Jenna gets into it. She’s a big lover of Bon Jovi and KISS. I love that drive into town, we have some of our best times on the road. 

Standard
Uncategorized

Chefs in the kitchen 

Tonight we brought a little New Mexico back to our kitchen. Well, a Canadianized version of southwestern cooking since it involved a lot of throwing what we had in the pantry into the mix. 

The kids decided they wanted enchiladas for supper, Jacob had made some last year in his foods class, so he declared himself head chef. 

The three of us worked in the kitchen together to prepare the meal. We used to cook together a lot, it feels like it’s been a long time since we have come together like this.  A welcome return of a fun and bonding activity. 

As we worked we listened to my “yoga mix” on my playlist. May it be is one of the songs. On our drive home I had to play the song to see if it was familiar to Jacob. I had thought it was familiar besides playing on my pandora station. Yesterday I realized that it was on his Hobbit album that plays non stop. His has a different singer and is just different enough that he didn’t recognize it. When he realized that we had both been enchanted by the same song we had a good giggle and then had to justify why our version was the better one. 

As we made supper, I played my yoga mix as background music. As well as May It Be, we enjoyed grooving to KDZ the Kripalu drummers. There’s something about drinking music that is good for the soul. 

My happiness moment, Jammin’ in the kitchen with my monsters. I sure missed them, we work best as a unit. 

Standard
Uncategorized

May it be

I have always been a big fan of having a personal theme song. I’ve had a few throughout the years – Don’t Stop Believin’, Rebel Yell, Say Hey (I love you), The Sound of Sunshine, Alberta Bound (this got me through the last year. The kids and I chanted it over and over and over… and look where we live) being a few of them.

Only a very few times has a song just completely captured my soul and it has sung out this is my song!! Stop and listen to it!! The first time I heard The Gayatri Mantra by Deva Primal my inner being swooned with love. I didn’t know who she was or what the words meant, but I knew that I had to listen to that over and over and over again. 9 years later it’s still something I listen to on almost a daily basis.

Today a song came up on my playlist that I’ve listened to many, many times over the past couple of years and my soul has always yelled that one. That is an important song. Stop and listen to it. Stop and listen I would, but I never knew the name of the song or really understood what the lyrics were saying. Today I stopped and pulled up the lyrics and followed them while I listened to May It Be by Hayley Westenra. And I realized that this has been the theme song of my life for the past few years as I’ve been reaching for better things.

May it be an evening star
Shines down upon you
May it be when darkness falls
Your heart will be true
You walk a lonely road
Oh! How far you are from home

I started listening to this song when I was so far from home in every sense. Physically we were so far from home and our loved ones. I was so far from the home of my centered being, struggling to find myself in my storm of the dark night of the soul.

Mornië utúlië ([Quenya:] Darkness has come)
Believe and you will find your way
Mornië alantië ([Quenya:] Darkness has fallen)
A promise lives within you now

May it be the shadow’s call
Will fly away
May it be your journey on
To light the day
When the night is overcome
You may rise to find the sun

It was exactly what I did. I just kept believing (although it was while I was humming Don’t Stop Believin’ by Journey) and I started to find my way.

When the night is overcome, you may rise to find the sun. I feel like that’s where I’m at now. Like I’ve just awoken to the gift of a beautiful sunrise of life.

A theme song that has been guiding my path out of that dark night of the soul and I wasn’t even aware. I guess that’s the great thing about reaching for better feelings, that I don’t have to control or worry about where they come from, just reaching for them is enough to make them come to me.

My happiness moment today was a re-walking of yesterday’s happiness moment, but with my Mom. We talked again about the sunflower picture that is in the bathroom of our hotel.

the photo is horrible, but the with the lighting in the bathroom there is only so much you can do. It’s a beautiful picture.  But, you get the added bonus of seeing me trying to hide in the corner of the photo 🙂 

Yesterday morning before my walk with the spirit of Dad, Mom had commented on how beautiful the sunflower picture was and how much Dad would have enjoyed seeing it and the inspiration he would have gained for his own photos. As we were out walking in the desert among the sunflowers Mom said it’s like Dad saying I told you I’d be in New Mexico with you. It was a beautiful and peaceful moment to share with her. I said that some people say that departed loved ones come back as butterflies and rainbows, but Dad comes back as sunflowers. Very fitting for who he was –  I knew immediately he was with us.

Standard
Uncategorized

School time 

For the first time in forever I missed Jacob’s first day of school. I’m sitting in a hotel room on an adventure with my mom in New Mexico. It’s beautiful here. 

The happiness moment was waking up at 2am and having Jacob run out and give me a huge hug. I love that kid. He’s kept in contact with me as the day went on and I danced with joy when the news came that he had a great day and he likes his school and made friends I felt a huge happy sigh of relief.

His last first day as the new kid. No more moving. No more new schools. 

Standard
Uncategorized

Do you want to build a snowman?

My happiness moment began when my eyes opened today. The sun was reflecting on the mountains to the west and they looked like this:

  
I love it when nature reflects the joy in my soul. It felt like the sun was shining happiness into the day ahead. 

A second happiness moment happened when I was not there but I got to be part of the planning of it. Last night my niece and her entourage spent the night. She is 4 and lives and breathes Frozen. She had a brand new Anna dress and was so cute showing it off. On our walk home, Jenna told me she wanted to dress up in her Elsa costume in the morning, go knock on their door and ask Sia if she wants to build a snowman. 

I was out this morning when Jenna called to tell me she was heading over to do it. When I got home there was an Anna and an Elsa running around the kitchen giggling and squealing with excitement. Kid happiness. It hits right to the core of the soul. 

Standard
Uncategorized

I can see clearly now 

  
I was out walking with Jenna this afternoon and looked west and thought I can see clearly now. 

Like an onion (thanks Shrek) this thought had many layers. I literally could see clearly now, we have had insane smoke from the Washington fires all week and we haven’t been able to see much of anything. In my life I am starting to see things more and more clearly than I ever have. I have had a man help guide me to this clearer way of thinking, a man I never met but one that had huge impact on the blossoming of my new life. A man who wrote the book I can see clearly now – Wayne Dyer who I found out as I started writing my blog passed away today. 

I looked on Facebook before blogging and saw a post from a dear friend that her step dad had passed away last night, that post was followed by Wayner Dyer’s page making the announcement of his passing. So I sat and cried for a little while. 

When I realized a couple of years ago that I needed to start reaching for happier feelings and for better things, Wayne Dyer and his writings found their way into my life. Though he need knew who I was he held my hand and helped walk me to a better place. I deeply appreciate the gifts he gave from his spirit. 

On my walk, before I had my moment of standing and seeing clearly, I had been thinking of Dad. I had thought of other friends who had lost parents and how gut wrenching it is. I had been contemplating how I was handling his death and how and if I would heal those wounds. As I stood looking at my mountains I felt it all just was ok. Not that I was ok about his death, but that the process was ok. It’s just part of the path. The joy and the sorrow mix together. 

The happiness moment was standing looking west and seeing clearly. 

Standard
Uncategorized

On top of the world. 

   

As I was finally getting dressed today (I can’t even say this morning. Don’t judge, slow mornings are awesome and too rare), the song on top of the world by Imagine Dragons came on my playlist. I love this song and know it only because of my continuous play of a Pandora station when we lived in VA. 

As the song was playing I felt my spirit begin to pick up a little bit. I hadn’t been in a bad mood, but joy wasn’t radiating out of me. While I listened to the lyrics I realized that if I’m not now on top of the world, I’m climbing those last few peaks. 

Even with all the heartache and trauma of these past few months, I really feel like big changes are happening to me. I feel like I’m finally starting to hit my stride. 

I have paid my dues to the dirt, been waiting to smile, been holding it in for a while, and absolutely been dreaming of this since I was a child. I feel like finally I’m starting to live the life I’ve dreamed of. The one that somehow I felt I never deserved. I deserve to be happy (we all do). 

My happiness moment began at 5 am when I woke up. I looked outside to see a giant, orange, glowing, full moon peering in the window at me. It was beautiful. I carried that image with me until I stood on my cousin’s deck and we stared west to the mountains – each taking a big contented sigh as we expressed gratitude for where we live and the lives we have. 

These sunset pictures I took when we were here at Christmas time. I live in a place filled with such beauty and flowing with such love. The fact that we have been able to come full circle and restart in the house where my family truly started here over a hundred years ago is a blessing I am thankful for every day. 

I keep wishing dad was here to share all this with me. I know he’s around in spirit, but I sure could have used him around for more of the journey. 

 Lyrics for On Top Of The World By Imagine Dragons

If you love somebody

Better tell them why they’re here ’cause

They just may run away from you

You’ll never know what went well

Then again it just depends on

How long of time is left for you

I’ve had the highest mountains

I’ve had the deepest rivers

You can have it all but not til you move it

Now take it in but don’t look down

‘Cause I’m on top of the world, ‘ey

I’m on top of the world, ‘ey

Waiting on this for a while now

Paying my dues to the dirt

I’ve been waiting to smile, ‘ey

Been holding it in for a while, ‘ey

Take it with me if I can

Been dreaming of this since a child

I’m on top of the world

I’ve tried to cut these corners

Try to take the easy way out

I kept on falling short of something

I coulda gave up then but

Then again I couldn’t have ’cause

I’ve traveled all this way for something

Now take it in but don’t look down

‘Cause I’m on top of the world, ‘ey

I’m on top of the world, ‘ey

Waiting on this for a while now

Paying my dues to the dirt

I’ve been waiting to smile, ‘ey

Been holding it in for a while, ‘ey

Take it with me if I can

Been dreaming of this since a child

I’m on top of the world

‘Cause I’m on top of the world, ‘ey

I’m on top of the world, ‘ey

Waiting on this for a while now

Paying my dues to the dirt

I’ve been waiting to smile, ‘ey

Been holding it in for a while, ‘ey

Take it with me if I can

Been dreaming of this since a child

And I know it’s hard when you’re falling down

And it’s a long way up when you hit the ground

Get up now, get up, get up now

And I know it’s hard when you’re falling down

And it’s a long way up when you hit the ground

Get up now, get up, get up now

‘Cause I’m on top of the world, ‘ey

I’m on top of the world, ‘ey

Waiting on this for a while now

Paying my dues to the dirt

I’ve been waiting to smile, ‘ey

Been holding it in for a while, ‘ey

Take it with me if I can

Been dreaming of this since a child

I’m on top of the world

Standard
Uncategorized

Giggles 

Today’s happiness moment happened when I was upstairs doing yoga. I was lying  on my mat, stretching into good feelings when I heard thumping and banging and giggles coming from downstairs. Jenna and her cousin were playing together in the family room. We have so much smoke here from the Washington fires that going outside isn’t all that enjoyable. 

I heard them giggling and bouncing all the way through my practice and during my meditation. When I finally came downstairs I discovered they’d made a survival course made of cushions through the “lava” on the floor – yet another use for our indestructible red carpet. They pulled me in and I too was hopping from one cushion to another. Sadly I drowned when I failed to balance on the corner of Jenna’s blue yoga mat which was “water”. Fortunately they rescued me before continuing on the course. 

Having done so many quiet years when we were away – times where the kids didn’t have that strong core of friends to hang out with – I am so thankful and grateful that they both have BFF’s right across the yard. Their mom is one of mine as well – bonus happiness and gratitude. 

It is so important for me to keep reaching for these happiness feelings. I still have those punch in the gut moments that dad is really gone. I had another one today driving with Jenna. She mentioned how josh had wanted to share a video he had made with dad. They never had that chance, but josh won an award for the video. Jenna mentioned how proud dad would be of him and how he will he watching him get the award from heaven. Gut punch. Cry. Gratitude that I had him as a dad. 

Standard
Uncategorized

Like it used to be. 

Tonight we had a moment of life like it used to be. Which is kind of what life is becoming again now that we are home, but in a different way – life in the new normal. 

My cousin was home visiting from Rome with her family for the last few weeks. Tomorrow they head back to their other home, which is nice for them because they have a happy life there, and sad too because it’s so far from this home. 

We went over to my uncle and aunt’s house to hug and cry goodbye, and ended up sitting down and having a really enjoyable visit instead. It was a visit like it used to be.  Back before we moved, before everyone got busy doing all the things we do. A visit where we knocked on the door and when it wasn’t answered we just walked in. The feeling you have of being safely and securely at home. Even though things are different. 

One of the things we chatted about was how dad taught us to canoe on Scott Lake and how terrified we all were they the canoe would capsize. The bottom of that lake is covered in blood suckers and we all had a good healthy fear of becoming blood sucker supper. It was nice though, to bring a happy dad memory into the conversation and for that to be ok. I miss him, but I want to be able to keep sharing memories of who he was and things he did with us. 

My happiness moment today was sitting around visiting with family. We are blessed in our lives. 

Standard