Tag Archives: horse

happiness

Sunshine around the cloud

I have been pretty vocal about my feelings about the support issue that has been going on over the last few months, and because I have shared the bad I also want to share the good. I checked my bank account and two payments were deposited in the last couple of days. They are both less than the normal amount, but money was put in and I can buy groceries for the kids and I again without huge amounts of stress sitting in my gut.

I am so thankful and happy that this seems to have been resolved. I am thankful that Mr. X decided to make the payments and that maybe this will settle some things in all of our lives. It’s a big deal and I’m glad we are in this place where maybe things can calm again and we can get to a better place.

This is huge happiness.

I had happiness this morning as well when I took Drishti out for a ride – actually just schooled circles with him in the field. He’s paranoid of the electric fences and really feeling spunky from all the green grass so we had a “trot until you drop” kind of workout. I almost dropped first, but managed to outlast him.

He teaches me how to be brave. My desire to bond with him and ride beats any fear I have when he’s being a turd – so I keep moving ahead even when I get anxious feelings in my gut. It teaches me to do that in real life too.

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Building trust, watching fences, opening doors, dropping walls

Building trust is something I’ve been working on lately. I want to allow myself to trust more willingly again, and I want to be the kind of person who can be trusted  (I think I am already, but I need to have faith in that knowledge). Being able to trust again after the pain and damage of my marriage is a difficult thing, but it’s something I must work towards. It’s like love – you either live with an open heart and feel, which leaves you vulnerable to being hurt, or you close off entirely – saving yourself that heart pain, but living with an empty heart. To live the life I want, I must be able to trust those in inner circle. Drishti is a good learning tool for this exercise.

I finally had a chance to spend some time with my beloved Drishti this morning – life has been busy, or the weather has been cold and rainy and I haven’t been able to ride the much in the last week or so. He’s living with his buddies in an area that is blocked off by electric fence so that they don’t make big pigs of themselves on the green grass. It’s a good thing and usually works well, but my poor boy is terrified of the fence – thanks in part to a little mishap we had a couple of weeks ago.

Today I took him out of his part of the field and brought him over near my place to get him ready to ride. He was very nervous and spooking at everything. At the time I wasn’t totally sure what his problem was and thought maybe the ton of fresh green grass he had been eating, added to me not riding may have just made him a little crazy in the head. But, as I kept working with him, I realized that he was incredibly scared of anywhere that the electric fence had been put up.

I had to coax him and work quietly with him to get him to a part of the field where I could ride. We walked around quietly for quite some time, and eventually I felt all his muscles relax and his great, long neck stretch out. He was trusting me and accepting my guidance, understanding that I was telling him that I would keep him safe. He earned my trust a while ago and I believe (as much as he can being an animal) that he will work to keep me safe, and now I feel like he’s got the same trust in me.

It made my heart warm with joy. It totally changes a relationship when there is complete trust. Either one of us may make a mistake and hurt the other, but I think we both know that we will each do our best to look after each other. In any relationship this makes magic happen. With my horse there are many life and death situations we can get into, but it is equally important in my other relationships that I build or keep this kind of trust. Where we have each other’s back no matter what, but love and forgive, and understand that mistakes may happen.

Our exercise in trust with the fence today made me think of a quote by Rumi that I had read a while ago that came with a photo that I felt explained it brilliantly:

Why struggle to open a door between us when the whole wall is an illusion? ~ Rumi

Drishti for me is what happiness represents. He is saving my life, bringing me back to myself, but helping me become a better version of myself. He is truly a miracle in my life and I am so incredibly grateful for him.

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The new story

I visited with someone today who I have a feeling is going to become part of my tribe. I love it when I meet someone and I know that they’re one of my people. And because she’s also a heart based person, we have had deep discussions since the moment we met. As we were talking she said something about how “this is going to be your story”.

It struck me that I am in the process of writing an entirely different story. I am no longer who I was, and I don’t feel like because of that I’m stuck in that place of being someone I don’t want to be. I get to write an entirely different story now.

Every day life is getting better, we are all finding happier ways to live out our story. I still have no idea where this path is heading, but I’m so grateful I’m on it. That is happiness.

And so is this:

 


I still can’t believe he is in my life. Talk about answered prayers.

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In this exact moment 

It was a beautiful morning and I grabbed a quiet moment to take Drishti for a ride. I am happy to report he was much easier to catch than he was the other day. As I was walking him back to the barn, I had to stop at the top of the hill and look west at Moose Mountain which was absolutely brilliant, then I looked back at Drishti behind me and I thought this is why it’s so important to live in the moment. I have prayed for years for this exact moment to arrive. I am standing in the place I love most in the world with the horse that is absolutely perfect for me. If I was worrying or focusing on anything else but right now, I would miss this exact moment.

The mounted version of that moment came a bit later and looks like this:

It’s breathtaking, it’s humbling, it makes me know that God is here and with me, it’s peaceful, it’s loving, it’s a happiness moment. Both times I stood (sat) in gratitude and thanked Him for all my blessings. I remembered I am living the life I have prayed for.

When I was finished riding, my cousin grabbed me and asked if I would like to help her pair out cows and calves. I was all over that. I haven’t “helped” (and I use that term loosely) move cows in two years, and I had no idea how Drishti would handle it, but yes please I am so willing to do that.

 

He’s a pretty level headed guy, my horse, and he was just fine out there. We saw Derek the orphan calf from last year who didn’t seem to care that I existed at all, and lots of really cute newborns with their mamas.

The fact that this is something I can walk out my back door and do is such a huge gift from God. It is so good for my soul, it puts me back in touch with nature, I love spending time with my cousin and she’s a wealth of information so I learned a lot while I was at it.

I am grateful for every second of this life.

I am home

I am safe

I am happy

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Can’t catch me

I had a crash course in determination and facing fear today thanks to my lovely equine.

When I got Drishti the girl told me that he was super easy to catch and that he was at the bottom of the pecking order in his field. Well he used to be super easy to catch, but lately he has decided to make it a bit more of a challenge for me. The other day he ran away from me, and when I went to the head of the herd (Jackson) to catch him, Drishti came at him and head butted him until he also ran away. I eventually caught Jackson and immediately Drishti got so jealous he couldn’t stand it and let me catch him.

Today when I went out the same thing happened, he ran away, except this time he changed things up when I went to catch Jackson. I was just about to put on the halter and Drishti came charging up and pushed at Jackson with his chest until Jackson finally gave up and moved away. Interestingly Drishti never had his ears pinned or looked annoyed, it was like he thought he was playing a really un-fun-for-mom game. Finally I did the same thing as before- caught Jackson, had Drishti get all jealous, and caught him.

I really missed my grandma’s old dog who would chase the horses into the corral saving me hours of running up and down the field trying to catch stubborn ponies in my childhood (*cough* Pirate *cough*).

He was a jerk, I had to lunge him for a good 15 minutes to get him to calm down then I saddled him up and took him out in the field. He felt a little spooky (he never spooks) and suddenly the other horses galloped by in the next field. Drishti curled into a little ball of stress and had a momentary freak out that fortunately didn’t turn into a bucking fest.

I pulled him back to a walk, got us both under control and had to think for a few seconds about what I wanted to do. Part of me wanted to just bail, he was not his usual chill self and I didn’t feel like getting hurt. The part of me that wants to get stronger and heal knew that if I gave up I would be scared again. So, I made him do work – we did circles, we worked on bending, we did  some transitions. He was tired when we were done, and I felt happy. Happy I had faced a fear, happy because when I am riding my spirit sings.

It’s an interesting space we are in right now, this between time as we wait for my lawyer and the US system to force Mr. X to start making his court ordered payments again. It baffles me the lack of conscience this man has, but it’s been a good reminder that he just doesn’t care. At all. About anything. And along with the fear, there is a certain kind of freedom that comes from knowing that I must give up any expectations of him ever doing the right thing for his kids. It’s a painful lesson, and one I seem to have had to learn over and over, but I think I’ve got it now.

His life is so hard 

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The mom bus

It was another chilly night at ball, but I am discovering that I am building a mom tribe there which makes me happy. There are three of us who are single moms and have very similar stories and we laughed and shared tales as we discovered the things we have in common – things we never thought any of us would know about. I love that they are women who are learning who they are again, building new lives, finding the humour in dark situations, and are incredibly strong – these are women I want to be around.

The kids both are now thriving at ball. The girl is hitting her stride at bat and on the field, and the boy learned last week how to umpire and was the ump at the game tonight. She’s gaining confidence as a player, and he’s finding his voice and footing as the umpire. They’re such great kids and I’m so grateful that I get to walk every step with them. That is happiness, real and true.

I had a moment of personal happiness this afternoon as I took Drishti out for a quick ride before the chaos of the rest of the day took over. I have discovered I’m no longer scared, I’m finding my confidence too.

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A doughnut or a stick 

Today I decided to try and teach Drishti how to not be a stick. He has no bend at all and riding him sometimes feels like I’m riding a stick horse. 

I found a great spot with no gopher holes and we started doing circles so I could teach him to bend. He was not a fan. I said “Drishti it’s just that I don’t want you to be like riding a stick”. So he stuck his head between his legs as he trotted along as if to say “ok now I’m a doughnut”. It was an implied reminder that he also could do a handstand as an option. He didn’t, thank goodness. 

Being out in the field with Drishti lets me sort through that and hand it to God. He is my SUV – spiritual utility vessel. What I   get with him is so much more than happiness. 

 

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Easy like Sunday morning 

This morning was the ride I’ve waited years for. For the first time I didn’t feel scared at all about getting on and heading out. I relaxed almost immediately on his back, and the constant chatter I had with my horse in my youth came back today. It’s this mindless chatter that is part of what connects me to God through my horse – it’s a way of opening the connection while staying perfectly in the moment. My Dotted Dog ran around while we walked through the field looking at the beautiful spring morning. Honestly, moments don’t get much better than ones like this. Happiness to the core of my soul.

There is my Dotted Dog off to the left having the time of her life. ​

Look at this face – he is proof that miracles can happen in my life. He is perfect. 

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The girl had two ball games this afternoon and although it was cold, windy, and a little rainy, the girls played some great ball. Near the end of the game it was her turn to pitch – for the first time. What I love about this team is the way everyone is so supportive. The coach is so gentle and kind with the girls, and the parents all cheer on everyone’s kids. What a blessing that she is part of this team.

 

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Riding on the buckle 

I realized today as I was tacking up Drishti that the only thing worse than being afraid of riding would be giving into that fear and being too afraid to ride.

It wasn’t that long ago that I was afraid of everything. I feel like over the last few years all I’ve done is face my fears, stand up to them, walk through them. Honestly, I’m kind of tired of it.

We went out in the field, I climbed my way up in the saddle, and off we went. My first instinct is to have a good, steady contact on the reins. Part of that is my English riding training where contact is a good thing, but the need to hold onto his mouth – that is fear. Drishti is not a fan of it, but I’m not ripping on his face so he’s taken a quieter, sneakier approach to getting me to let go. The longer we walk the more he stretches his head out. He will stop every once in a while and take big, long looks all around – which could be taken as curiosity, but I’m starting to realize it’s a very effective way for him to get longer reins.

I thought about how we are building this new relationship and how it will only work on trust. I know him well enough to know that at a walk he’s not going to buck and bolt on me, so I got to thinking – why aren’t I giving him his head more? I’m not schooling, we are just walking around – why aren’t I giving in. And bam! the reins went to the buckle.

And we just chilled and walked around the field – and it was happiness.

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Fearful living, hopeful living

I have a confession to make – riding Drishi scares the crap out of me. Not because of him – he is awesome – but because of me. When I get on him I realize how my first reaction to a situation is fear. I’m scared he’ll take off, I’m scared he’ll buck me off, I’m scared I’ll just fall off, I’m scared he’ll trip and we  will crash… basically I’m scared of getting hurt. Just like in the rest of my life – I’m scared of getting hurt.

Drishti is awesome, he is exactly what I prayed for even though I didn’t know all the details when I was doing the praying. I prayed for heaven to give me a big, beautiful horse who was still green enough I could put some schooling time on – one that I could ride out in the fields here but could also teach some things to. He is green and certainly could do with some schooling lessons… but make no mistake, the one doing the teaching here is Drishti.

I am learning so much from him.

A few years ago when I was in the pits of my dark night of the soul, my anxiety was so bad that I could barely function. Just doing the bare minimum to get through the day took all the bravery and strength I had and I think it’s important for me to remember that as I think of how I’m learning to face fears while riding. I have already experienced all the big things I was afraid could happen in my life in the last couple of years, so I find it interesting that these smaller fears can be so powerful. But life happens in the small moments and I want to make sure mine are filled with hope and peace instead of fear.

I was riding today and poor Drishti was upset. His friends are gone for the day and he was feeling quite sorry for himself being all alone. I also haven’t ridden him in a week and what he really wanted to do was go for a big long gallop across the field (not happening). I rode him around the field and really paid attention to how he was. He was looking at everything – cows over there, dogs underfoot, tractor over here… lots to look at. But he just kept walking along – he’s pretty much the same all the time. Me on the other hand was more like will he spook at the tractor? what if when he puts his head down to rub his leg he then grabs the bit and takes off?  (thanks to some awesome childhood ponies this fear is real) What if he bolts back to the barn? Meanwhile Drishti is still walking along looking at the world.

Hmmmmm

It got me thinking about trust. The two of us are working on building an extremely close relationship that has to be built on trust. Does he trust me? I think so. Do I trust him? Apparently not so much. Have I ever done anything to betray his trust? Not really, but I hold onto his mouth a lot more than I should afraid he’ll bolt which shows a lack of trust. Has he ever done anything to betray mine? Besides that one time when he took off with a couple of  happy bucks? No. And I totally got the happy bucks – he’s a horse, he was having fun, it was a beautiful spring day.

The trust issue is mine.

What I love about this horse – aside from the fact that he’s an amazing gift from heaven, that my soul is complete now that I have a horse again, and that he’s so incredibly cute – is that he’s teaching me how to trust completely and to let go of my fear. Learning how to reprogram how I approach my life and relationships – this is happiness. I love this guy.

I’ve been redefining happiness over the last few days with the understanding that I am now at the place that I need to be searching for ways to have happiness part of my life all the time and  for no reason at all – just to have happiness be my way of living in every moment. I started this blog needing to find one happy moment in every day to give myself hope that I could have more happy moments. I think I’m ready for more – more hope, more happiness, more love.

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