Tag Archives: horse

happiness

Off balance 

A few weeks ago I had this amazing acupuncture treatment. I don’t know how to explain what he does, but it does weird and powerful things to my energy. 

I was telling him about the issue I was having staying connnected to God and a message I had received from Him that I was having a hard time figuring out (of course I wasn’t having a hard time figuring it out, I just wasn’t a fan of the message and wanted it to be something easier). 

He had me out my arm out and use all my force to stop him from pushing it down. I am weak apparently and it didn’t take much for him to break my hold. Then he told me to pick a spot to focus on (my drishti  before Drishti) and connect myself to my Source and hold my arm. He couldn’t move it no matter what he did. 

He said this is how strong you are when you are connected to God. Why would you go through life any other way? 

And then he grabbed my waist and pushed me sideways towards  the couch and said of course, when you’re totally focused and in balance, life has a way of coming at you ahd throwing you off balance where  you least expect it. 

Truth. 

Today I was a it riding Drishti and was all proud of myself. I had finally found a good balance of holding on and letting go. I was trusting him to run and have his head a little more and feeling so happy that I could literally let go of the reins and enjoy the ride. 

And of course he took that opportunity to stick his head between his legs and take off bucking. He was just having fun and I was able to stop him before I hit the ground. But a reminder that the balance of holding on and letting go is constant. And that even when I think I’ve got it all figured out the unexpected will happen. 

A good lesson to hold as we walk this path that has so much uncertainty. I know it’s being lit up as I need it to be, but I still want a stronger flashlight. 

There is a soul freedom I get on that horse I can’t get doing anything else. I connect myself to God and just am. It’s happiness. He’s awesome. 

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Allowing anger 

I discovered today as I was flying down the dirt road playing music as loudly as my stereo could handle it that I was feeling really angry. Not just mad or upset, but beat things with a baseball bat angry. Not as a lifestyle, but as an emotion that is passing through me.  And I had to sit with how I felt about that for a while.

But first- why am I angry?

I did my taxes this morning. Well, to be honest some kind man did my taxes for me. Between what I have spent on legal fees and what I owe I taxes it covers almost all of the support I have received from Mr. X. And my lawyer informed me that I spent over 65% of my legal fees just forcing that man to pay support.  

As this realization hit me on the back road – that I was crazy angry – my first impulse was to dismiss, stuff down, or deny that feeling. But that is what the old me does –  now I am working at allowing all the feelings to come and go – the good ones and the bad ones.

We lived in a house where it was not safe to have any feelings. If there were angry ones we got raged at for being angry, if there were hurt or scared ones we got raged at for that as well. But the good feelings weren’t allowed either – if things were too good or we were too happy then rage would come to make sure we didn’t ever feel that we deserved to have happy feelings. It’s enough to make one end up feeling emotionally numb. And it certainly left me feeling scared of having any emotions.

But, I’m angry. And it’s ok to be angry. Because it’s not going to turn me into a angry person, it’s not going to define who I am. I’m just angry.

And, actually I’m not even angry anymore.

Why?

Two things happened.

One is I read my devotional this morning from Streams in the Desert and it told me this (which I held close to my heart all day):

Once our eyes are opened by God, we will see all the events of our lives, whether great or small, joyful or sad, as a “chariot” for our souls. Everything that comes to us becomes a chariot the moment we treat it as such. On the other hand, even the smallest trial may become an object crushing everything in its path into misery and despair if we allow it. The difference then becomes a choice we make. It all depends not on the events themselves but on how we view them. If we simply lie down, allowing them to roll over and crush us, they become an uncontrollable car of destruction. Yet if we climb into them, as riding in a car of victory, they become the chariots of God to triumphantly take us onward and upward. 

There is no way I’m letting that chariot run me over if the other option is to hop in and let it take me for a glorious ride. I’ve been feeling run over lately, I forgot there was another choice.

The second thing was that I came home and healed my soul with Drishti. I left the home that my great grandparents built and we now live in thanks to my uncle and aunt, passed the barn my grandpa built, walked by the field where my cousin keeps her horses, to my Drishti who came into my life thanks to a gift left by my godmother, and rode him out to the field where the swans are – a place that we have enjoyed as a family for generations (and one that particularly brings back really fond memories of my dad). I realized how incredibly blessed and fortunate I am. The kids are safe and happy and are getting to live this amazing childhood in the fold of their family. I am safe and happy and living an amazing life in the fold of my family. I have my Drishti to keep me sane and focused. Everything else is just noise.

I will not be run over.

So, in a weird way, honouring that anger brought me to happiness. It brought me through the angry feelings, allowed me to experience them and understand why I had them, and it allowed it to move out. I was able to balance myself in the happy life that I have created and remember how incredibly much there is to be grateful for.

the view through Drishti’s ears

the swans as we rode by

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Keeping focus on my Drishti

Sometimes it feels like this divorce will never end. Honestly, it is so frustrating to fight over and over about support that has already been decided on but that does not get paid. And we both end up spending so much money on lawyers to end up at the same place.

It’s why it’s so important for me to keep my focus on what’s important – to find my Drishti and tune in to that.

What is a Drishti?

A few years ago I first heard the term in an online yoga class I was taking. It refers to a point of focus – the idea being that where our gaze is directed our attention naturally follows. When you can focus in on a single object the chaos and distractions of the outside world disappear and you are able to let go of the anxiety and stress and can calm and focus your mind.

I would stand in tree pose and look out the window of our living room at the trees growing in the yard and focus on a branch. I would put in my mind the feeling I had when I was riding and let my love for my horses sit on that branch and become my Drishti.

So when I met this beautiful bay gelding who was named Stars, I knew that he was my Drishti and so Drishti he became.

Tonight I trudged out in the snow (snow!!!) to feed and visit him and spent a few minutes in gratitude for the fact that my drishti, my focus, the thing that I put my attention  on to close out the chaos and stress of the outside world, materialized into this loving, amazing Drishti who is becoming such an important part of my life and of my healing.

This is happiness. It is also proof that that you attract that which you put your attention on. So in all this painful ugliness that keeps getting stirred up in my divorce, I can now walk outside and see my real life Drishti and know that everything is going to be ok.

He is kinda cheeky sticking that tongue out 

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He kissed me 

I went out to ride Drishti this afternoon only to discover him full of kicks and snorts because of the wind. Having no real desire to die this afternoon I decided to just play with him instead – I groomed him and lunged him and then just hung out with him while he ate. 

This  stuff is just as important as riding – it builds our bond and lets us get to know each other better. 

Interestingly enough it’s also building a bond between Drishti and Dottie 


Tonight I went out to check him and put his blanket on (because it’s supposed to snow tomorrow ugh) and when I was done he put his head in my face and face me a big slobbery kiss. 

He kissed me 

I’ve kissed his face lots but this was the first time he kissed me back. 

Oh I love this guy – this is happiness. 

Bonus happiness was the boy was there and saw it and was completely grossed out I let a horse slobber on my face. 

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Holding on and letting go Drishti style

Something I have been working on for years is finding the balance between holding on and letting go. Drishti decided I needed a lesson today on how it is important to know when to let go when what I want to do is hold on because of fear. I’m so tired of fear holding me back.

He’s 10 but he’s still green in most ways – he wasn’t broke until he was 7 and spent most of the last 3 years doing trail rids or chilling in the field so when I bought him last week I was all excited about the idea of me being able to teach him things. He’s teaching me so much more.

Something I really like about him is that he’s got lots of pep but barely any spook. Something I have discovered about myself is that I now spook at everything.

Is that going to hurt us? Will he freak out when the geese fly out of the slough? Will he lose his mind when we ride away from the other horses? What if he bolts and bucks?  And a million other things.

Drishti on the other hand just goes along chill as can be checking things out. What he really wants to do is just run and run and have fun. But I, of course, am all there are so many holes in this field. Mole hills everywhere. This is the same field I broke my nose in when I was a kid – wouldn’t it be ironic if I broke it again. What if he takes off and I can’t stop him?

So we are trotting along and I’m grabbing at his bit (holding on) and he’s wanting to move out more and have some fun (just let go). But I’m holding and holding and he’s being so patient but also kind of done with me. He starts slowly pushing his neck further and further out getting the reins longer and longer  (a very sneaky way of getting me to let go) all the while making his trot a little faster and somehow managing to do a trot/canter thinking I won’t notice what he’s doing until finally he’s just cantering.

And suddenly I realize that by letting go of those reins I was finding freedom and having fun.  We were racing across the field, something I have wanted to do for years. I’ve dreamed about it, prayed for it, and almost missed being able to do it today because I wasn’t going to let go. And yet I was still holding on enough that if I needed to I could slow us down, keep us safe.

The balance of holding on and letting go Drishti style. He’s awesome.

I love looking through these ears.

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In the field 

Drishti and I made it out of the corral for a real ride in the field today. This was kind of a big deal as it meant I felt confident enough that I wasn’t going I fall off and die in a pile of cow poop (what a terrible way to go). 

It was awesome. We walked and trotted around the field and even though I’m sure he couldn’t see the point of it he happily took me wherever I wanted to go. He’s perfect and exactly what I prayed for. He does so much good for my soul I can’t even explain it.  But parts of me that were missing are back and whole again.  Happiness. 

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This is Drishti

Sometimes gifts really do come from heaven.

This is Drishti. I have prayed for him to come into my life for years. In the dark times, and even in some of the bright ones, I wasn’t sure how it was ever going to be possible for me to have a horse back in my life again. But, I kept praying and praying.

And then literally this gift from heaven came to me in the form of Drishti. Those of you who know me know what a big deal it is to have a horse in my life again. Having that bond and friendship with a horse is what makes my soul whole, it is the easiest way for me to find God, it completes me.

This week I have closed off one major chapter in my life in the form of divorce papers being finalized, and I have reopened one that makes my soul overflow with joy.

Watching my daughter hug on him brought back all the best memories of my childhood. I have spent hours in these corrals and in this barn playing with horses, and here we are again doing the same thing. And he’s such a love!

I am so happy I am unable to even express how I feel. It’s surreal. Two years ago yesterday we landed back home and have been so slowly rebuilding our lives. Drishti reminds me of who I am, who I was. He is my focus, my intention, literally my drishti.

If I had to paint a picture of happiness it would look exactly like this. This is what happiness to the core of my being looks like. This is what moves my soul.

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Gummy worms

I spent the day with a horsey friend – I’ve known her since we were in our teens. So aside from being able to chat for hours about horses, we have really funny old memories that we share. 

When I picked her up she had a bag full of gummy worms, coke, dill pickle chips and cheese sandwiches – because that was our  staple lunch in our youth. Thank God we were so active – how did we ever eat like that?

I brought my sandwich home (you have  to crush the chips inside the sandwich) and gave it to the boy who at first was horrified but then declared it the best thing he’d eaten in ages. He said how do I not know this side of you mom??? Ummm because we can’t live on dill pickle chip and cheese sandwiches. 

It was fun to spend the day catching up on horse things and to laugh with a friend I’ve had since forever. Happiness – horse happiness. 

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4 bar horse adrenaline rush 

We went down the the Rocky Mountain Show Jumping event at the Stampede Grounds tonight. The 4 bar event was sponsored by the Horse Store and they very kindly gave us free tickets to go watch. 

What a rush. Brave riders, fearless horses. It was SO much fun. 

By the end the last rider cleared 1.95 metres 

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The girl who came second pulled her horse out at 1.85 – she was on a young horse and they had done really well. It’s good to know when enough is enough. 

It was so much fun to watch this, better to share the happiness moment with Jacob who so very kindly came along with me. 

I miss horses so much. All of this seeking of happiness that I do- it was something I just always had when I had my horses. That says a lot. 

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Je ne regrette rien

I woke up in an Edith Piaf kind of mood. It takes a special kind of mood for me to crave sitting and listening to her songs over and over. Something inside me must have known that today was going to be an emotionally sideways day. 

Don’t get me wrong, I love Edith Piaf, and often listen to her when I’m happy too, but there is this certain kind of funky mood that almost seems to require her voice. 

I had to go downtown and meet my lawyer today which is alway a special kind of fun. It’s expensive, but I remain grateful for how well she does what she does.  As I was getting ready to go, my sister texted me asking if today was a good day to go through Dad’s closet. No, it is not. There is never a good day, but it is time. The past couple of days seem to have been ones where I’ve missed him more. Like I’ve been able to convince myself that it all is a bad dream and he’s not really gone. We will face it tomorrow. 

On the train downtown I read on Facebook that one of my favourite uncles (my mom’s cousin really) died a few days ago. That seemed to have been my tipping point and I bawled the whole way to my lawyer. Thank goodness for 2015 when I spent most of the year crying  in public. It gave me practice. 

When I was a kid, uncle Harvey and auntie Margaret held pony club at their place and it was there that I learned to walk (or ride) headfirst into my fears. I remember being so terrified of their cross country course, and yet year after year tackling it on whatever miserable pony I was riding (I loved them all). 

When I was 9 I was riding Snowflake, the rearing pony. I was down at the start line of cross country and uncle Harvey was doing the countdown. He said one minute, and Snowflake reared up. I slid off her  back and somehow landed on my feet. I walked around the side, he gave me a leg up, and said 10,9,8,7…. and counted me off on my way without saying another word.

There were a few things about that incident that I took away. 1 that he broke the rules by helping me back on my horse. I was grateful for that because I was so scared I wouldn’t have been able to get back on. 2 that help comes sometimes in unexpected and quiet ways and I just need to accept it and move on without making a big deal. 3 no matter how scared I am, if I want something I need to keep going. I won everything I rode in that day. 

When I decided a few years ago to start reaching for a better, happier life I drew on many of the lessons uncle Harvey taught me out in those fields. I am forever grateful for all of that time and all of those experiences. 

This evening I drove my cousin in law home and we listened to the Frantics the whole way. We are always acting out the skits, but neither of us had listened to them for a while. I forgot how hard they make me laugh, and so much better with someone who also knows all the words. Gut busting laughter was exactly what was needed. Happiness moment. 

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