Tag Archives: narcissist

happiness

A few good men 

We spent this last weekend remembering and celebrating the lives of some really good men in our family.  I was thinking earlier today how incredibly lucky we are that we have men like we do in our extended tribe. 

I look at what I have learned coming through this divorce and I understand how easy it would be to end up angry at men based on that experience. And while I’m still pretty angry at Mr. X (especially as we have to head back to court again just so I can get permission to send my kid to therapy) it makes me appreciate the amazing men we have in our lives. In fact I feel like more than ever the kids and I have very purposeful conversations about the inner strength of these men. 

We spent the weekend remembering my dad, celebrating the birthdays of some uncles in the extended family, and also mourning the loss of one more of these great men. Saying goodbye is always difficult and I feel deeply for my cousins who are in the process of doing that now. 

But how lucky are we that we have this community of strong, moral people to help guide us through life. When you love someone there will always be the pain of loss, but so much better that than to never love at all. 

My sister branding uncle Dave back in the day 


My happiness moment today was driving Jacob to football practice. He’s waited a year to get back to playing and it was awesome to see his excitement. We are blessed. 

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Setting the standard 

I was pretty sure when I woke up this morning that my happiness moment was going to be a no brainer – today is my unniversary.

I wasn’t sure what to do about that this year. It’s been a difficult day for me for the past few years as things went from difficult and strained to really freaking bad. This year though, I felt like it needed recognition somehow. This year the date marks the beginning of my new life, of freedom, of the possibilities of new beginnings

I pulled out my wedding album and took scissors and then a match to it. I have wondered for a while what to do with that album. I didn’t want it in the house anymore, I didn’t feel like just throwing it out. So, I had a ceremony with it. I let all of the hopes, dreams, prayers for that life go up in flames. I set fire to them and watched them drift away. They’re not hopes, dreams, or prayers for my life anymore – and I have not wanted them for a while. I have new ones now, happy ones, authentic ones.

Interestingly, it was not something done in anger. It was done very mindfully and it released a lot of stuff that really needed to go. I saged the house afterwards and felt those toxic emotions leave our home.

I realized that I will never, ever again let someone else set the standard for what I can achieve. I also realized that the people who are close in my life now believe in me and want to see me thrive – as I do for them.

Then I spent the afternoon with someone who has become very dear to me. It came to me while we were together that I am no longer running from anything, I also am no longer running towards anything . I am now living in this space where I am. I am on the road and I’m loving the journey.

I thought that was going to be my happiness moment, but then the kids and I went to the fruit truck in Cochrane and loaded up with BC cherries and raspberries. We ran back to the car and sat in the parking lot gorging ourselves and moaning loudly about how delicious it was. I love this time of year when the berries and the cherries have arrived. I love that they love it as much as I do.

(this is one of my dad’s photos)

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Learn to fly 

For the past week or so I’ve been waking up with nightmares. I often am a restless sleeper, but these nightmares were something completely new. I’m sure it’s because we are closing in on the anniversary of Dad’s death. I’m realizing how many emotions are still sitting there waiting to be processed and acknowledged. Last night I finally made it through the night without any bad dreams and I hope that means I’m heading for sweeter dreams. I know Dad wouldn’t want me being upset like this, and I also firmly believe he’s wrapped in the arms of God. And yet those dreams…

I came across one of his photos which made my heart fill with memories of him. He loved it when the swans would migrate through. 


The way I feel now it’s hard for me to believe where I was when I started this journey towards a happier life a few years ago. I was left so broken I didn’t think I’d ever be able to repair myself. Yet with years of work and prayer and love, here I am feeling almost whole. I give thanks for that every day. 

Today I had a wonderful happiness moment. I met a friend and we spent the afternoon walking along the river. It really was chicken soup for my soul – exactly what I needed. 

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It’s tomato time 

A very simple and pure happiness moment today. Jacob and I bought a tomato plant. It’s gardening season and we celebrated by eating a couple of tomatoes that were already ripe on our plant. 


It seems the Grinch is going to keep on trying to steal Christmas from us, but we will continue to hold hands and sing. 

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Peace within

These past few days have been filled with jumbled emotions for me. I’m nervous and excited about completing my Ayurveda course, I’m being filled with bittersweet memories of where We were a year ago, and I have this deep sense of peace that I am exactly where I am supposed to be. 

Maybe I will never process all of the emotions that filled me at this time last year. Even now, looking back as we entered into the last week of Dad’s life I couldn’t believe we were there. I was beginning to understand that it was part of God’s plan, but I couldn’t imagine life without him. Here we are a year later and I still can’t believe he’s not here. There are still tears shed on a regular basis as I drive back and forth on that gravel road. 

And yet here we are, here I am a year later and so much has changed. I feel like a completely different person and yet more like myself than I ever have. This year of growth has allowed changes in me that have been waiting to burst forth for a lifetime. 

I’m sure the next couple of weeks will be filled with more random tears than normal. They’ll also have me sitting with old memories, happy memories, of things we used to do with Dad. Best of all, it’s his time of year, which makes it easier to get out and celebrate his memory. The wildflowers have appeared, the blossoms are on the trees, there is new life and new hope everywhere. 

My happiness moment today is being with the kiddos and their friends in Canmore. The drive here is always phenomenal, their laughter lifts my spirits, and I have this deep peace in my soul. 

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My heart will always be at home 

I realized today that finally, truly, and deeply, my heart understands that we are home. For the past year I have wanted to lie on the ground and hold on – partly in gratitude, but also because there was a fear that this was going to be snatched away. My soul has shifted and now it is at peace and content with the fact that we are here. We are back where we belong with our tribe. 

Now that we have the security and grounding of having a place where we belong, it becomes safe to spread our wings again. We will each do it in our own way, but it will happen with the knowledge that there is this base of love to fall back on. 

My happiness moment was when I was out walking tonight. I soaked in the scenery that I love so much, visited with family, and thanked God for this life that I have. 

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Google translate 

I had some unexpected alone time with the boy this afternoon. Between school and our (un)family situation he’s been under a lot of stress lately. Today though, he was back to his regular happy self. I love that version of him. 

While we were driving into town he grabbed my phone and started typing everything he wanted to say into google translate. So, every time I’d ask him something Siri would answer. It was kind of like talking to a ventriloquist holding a dummy. The answers he gave were off the wall funny and completely unexpected. He had me laughing so hard my sides hurt. 

It’s been a tough few months, or a tough year, actually it’s been a really hard last few years. It is so nice that we are getting to a place where we feel the freedom to start to laugh and enjoy life more often. 

It was a great happiness moment today, belly laughing with the boy as he cracked jokes. 

We have so much to be thankful for. Even though I’m still asking God, I find myself thanking God more and more often. 

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Sustainable happiness

The farther I walk on this spiritual path the more I believe that choosing happiness and love is truly the most sustainable way for me to live my life. Not that there aren’t days that I want to just lie in bed and watch Netflix, but mostly I want to be out celebrating the fact that I am alive. It wasn’t always like this, in fact it’s taken years of dedication to get to this point. I’ve had to reestablish my spiritual connection, shift a lot of my personal connections, and deepen and strengthen my connection within myself. Fortunately my life now is completely unrecognizable from the one that I was living just 2 years ago.

Even with all the bumps along the road I go to bed every night knowing that I’m closer to being the better version of myself that I’m striving to be. It certainly has not happened all on my own power either. I have this awesome tribe of people here who lift me up every day. My kids inspire me to keep reaching for greatness, and our mixed up pets teach us all what unconditional love really means. And of course the gentle hand of God has picked me up and carried me through it all – even when I’ve been swearing and dragging my heels.

Every time I ask for help I keep hearing you’re on the right path. And even though I get really impatient and want more of the path to be illuminated I know that what I’m hearing is true. I know I’m on the right path because I can feel it in my soul. I see it reflected in the kids’ eyes, I hear it in their laughter – we are moving forward in love.

My happiness moment today was listening to the kids talk to each other (when they thought I wasn’t around) about how much they love living in this house.  I love seeing the quiet moments when they play together. They are such good friends and they are blessed to have that strong bond.

Today I was reminded of the inukshuk that I saw in the sky last year – a reminder that “you are on the right path” A message from Dad, a message from God.

  

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Forgiveness

The past year and a bit have been quite the emotional rollercoaster for me. One thing that has stayed constant has been my understanding that through all the things that have been going on I have been held firmly in the hands of God. Even in the times that I have questioned things, I know that He has been guiding me and holding me.

I had a rather profound experience during my meditation yesterday. I realized that even though I’ve done a lot of work getting through and getting over the hurts that happened during the course of my marriage, and even though I’ve been very consciously working at cutting all the remaining emotional chords (the ones remaining being full of anger and pain), that I had never really said an emotional goodbye to him. And, unfortunately for me that was going to mean forgiving him.

There’s a big part of me that still does not want to forgive. I want to be small and petty and sit with my anger and hurt. There’s an even bigger part of me though that wants to be free and happy. That part of me knows that I need to forgive in order to finally be free. Remember how I swore I never, ever would forgive? Damn it!!!

I’ve struggled with forgiving him before. I did it over and over again in our marriage. What I found issue with back then was that every time I forgave him, another more painful betrayal would soon pop up and I’d have to not only deal with another forgiveness, but also the realization that I’d mistakenly given trust and placed faith once again. This time though, I’m able to go into this without having any expectations of him at all. We will never have any kind of relationship again, I won’t ever have to trust him or believe his word again. I just have to forgive him and let myself be free, so that he can be somebody that I used to know.

I couple of weeks ago I posted about how I felt I was sitting at a locked door and I thought I had the key (that key being surrender) but didn’t know how to use it. Part of the surrender I struggle with involves forgiveness. I don’t expect to forgive overnight, but I expect it to happen. I feel lucky in many ways, I am not dealing with a broken heart, that part of the relationship I dealt with years ago. However these feelings of hurt and anger can be quite the load to let go of as well. I see people decades after divorce still carrying that around and I don’t want that for myself. I want to move into  a healthy and functional relationship with a partner whom I love and trust and I have to be that person myself as well.

My aunt sent me a letter a while ago which sat forgotten on the kitchen counter. I opened it today and she wrote me about finding faith at my locked door. I think it was waiting for me to open it today because today I’m ready to really hear the words.  In part it included some scripture from Rev. 3:19-21

those whom I love, I reprove and discipline; be zealous therefore, and repent. Behold, I stand at the door and knock; if anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and will dine with him, and he with Me.  He who overcomes, I will grant to him to sit down with Me on My throne, as I also overcame and sat down with My Father on His throne. 

God has guided me so patiently and clearly in this past year (I know He has all my life, but He’s made me pretty aware of it lately), how can I not listen?

My birthday present this year was the beginnings of the divorce, and my Mother’s Day present is the beginnings of forgiveness. I feel like they’re the two most important gifts I’ve ever given myself.

My happiness moment today happened at 1:00 am. I woke up suddenly and grabbed my phone without knowing why. I saw a few missed calls and texts from my cousin. She was trying to tell me to get outside and look at the Northern Lights. I woke the kids and we ran out into the yard to see God’s amazing light display. They were some of the best ones I’ve ever seen, they danced all over the sky. It was warm and clear and we stood out there for over an hour admiring the show in the sky.

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