Tag Archives: narcissist

happiness

Yard work 

It was a beautiful Saturday here and we all took full advantage of the weather. The girls played on the trampoline with the sprinkler and the boy and I got the yard ready for the summer. The lawn is mowed, the flowerbed is almost all weeded, the furniture is out. 

Not too long ago I had a hard time believing I could do anything, my self esteem having been squished to an all time low. I’m loving the feeling of finding myself again, remembering that I am capable of accomplishing both big and small things. 

And when I’m done building my world (or need a break from it), I now have the hammock out to rest in. Lying there quietly in the yard where I find such peace and contentment was my happiness moment today. 

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happiness

Goldfish monsters 

We had a very unexpected laugh until your gut hurts happiness moment last night. 

I had finally got both kids in bed and was lying in my own bed reading Facebook. Yes, I know it goes against all my Ayurvedic advice, but sometimes that happens. Anyway, I came across this post:

  
and for some reason it struck me as so funny I couldn’t stop laughing. Both kids started yelling from their rooms asking what I was doing and wanting to know what was so funny. I couldn’t stop laughing long enough to answer. All I could get out was goldfish….bwaahaaaa….goldfish

They both came into my room and I let them read the meme. Pretty soon they were both laughing as hard as I was. 
Then Jacob says you know what my brain does when I go to bed? I’ll be lying there almost asleep, I’ll say “ok good night brain it’s time to shut down now” and my brain says “you know what you haven’t thought about for a long time? Monsters under your bed”. 
I asked him if he needed me to get my pillowcase and go monster hunting like I used to do when he was 2. We all laughed again and then laughed about monster goldfish smiling back from under the bed. 

We lay on my bed and laughed for almost a half hour. This is what this quest for happiness has brought us. Enough of the fear and pain is gone that now we can embrace the joy. It was an awesome late night happiness moment. 

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happiness

Time to give 

 I’ve been feeling really overwhelmed lately. I’m trying not to be, but I am. Then I think of what the last year has brought. A move home, time spent with my dad as he prepared for his death, intense grieving, being cut off my mr x, filing for divorce, discovering absolutely brutal lies and betrayals on the part of mr x, having to figure out at age 45 how to support me and the kids after being home for over 11 years, learning to recover from years spent with a narcissist. Throw in being a full time single parent, helping my kids through their intense emotional feelings about all of the same issues, and helping my mom out, and it’s no freaking wonder I’m overwhelmed. 

I was sitting quietly contemplating this feeling earlier today. What could I do to lessen the feeling of suffocating? Everywhere I turn there’s someone who needs me I thought, sometimes I just want to spend a day in my Pjamas and read a book. But that is not my life right now. 

Then I came across this quote 
“I can’t take it anymore”

“Then give”

Yes. That’s what I need to do. Give. Keep giving. Because that’s always easy to do when one is feeling overwhelmed. Sigh. 

Then as God does, He showed me what He meant. 

The joystick on mom’s chair broke today and I was trying to fix it. My mom has always been a huge support to me, but these last few months after mr x withdrew finances, she and my uncle and aunt have been what have prevented the kids and I from being destitute and homeless. She needed my help (and she’s overwhelmed too) so I gave it 

Then when my help proved to be futile I called the person we all call when we need help – my cousin. Another person who goes flat out around the clock. And without a second thought she was down helping me out (and by helping I mean she fixed it). 

Much as we are all overwhelmed and stressed out, that act of being able to give to someone – kindness, love, money, support- it makes you feel so much better.  Life lesson learned today. 

As an awesome happiness moment we had a community shower today. I am so blessed that I come from his huge tribe of people. It has been such a blessing to be brought back into the fold. The kind of happiness I’m finding now goes deep into the core of my soul. I have freed myself of the fear I lived in for so long and am able more and more every day to embrace the joy and bliss of the life I am living.   

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happiness, law of attraction, narcissist

Cousins of the round table 

I feel so fortunate that I was blessed at birth with ready made best friends in the form of my sister and cousins. They don’t all live as close to me as I’d like, but those relationships stand the test of time. No matter how much time goes past or what happens I know there’s this awesome tribe of people that I belong to. The same thing goes for my kids. They are a part of this awesome extended family we have that stretches across Alberta, BC, The Yukon, Ontario, New York, Italy, and Texas. Both sides of my family have such a strong bond, and I appreciate that more and more as time goes on.

Tonight we were treated to supper by one of my cousins in Cochrane between guitar lessons and youth group. This round table of cousins worked out so perfectly, each one of us had a friend to sit with – she has a girl and a boy close to the same age as my kids. Sitting around and laughing with this beautiful part of my tribe was a happiness moment for the day that will warm my heart for a long time.

I feel kind of like we are the Whos down in Whoville. The grinch may have stolen our Christmas, but he can’t steal our love and joy. We will stand firmly in our tribe singing our songs of happiness no matter what kind of hate and destruction he sends our way. Although I will never forgive the hurt that he has inflicted on us, I’m caring less and less about the fact that he’s trying to destroy me. He can’t do that. I am getting stronger and stronger with each and every day.

Every time I have needed something on this journey it has been provided for me, and I have faith and trust in the fact that this also will turn out for the best. Just because he says I’m worthless and stupid does not make it so. In fact, this journey has taught me what incredible strength and love I possess. I have learned so many things over the past few months that have really shown to me that all those hateful things I was taught by him about myself aren’t true. I came across this wonderful quote this morning and it taught me exactly how I will look at his behaviour as I move ahead through this divorce. I think it’s important to talk about it because there’s so much shame put on the person who is being used by a narcissist. It is possible to get out of that relationship and move on to a happy life which is what we all deserve. With every step I take he’s more and more just someone I used to know.

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happiness

Raindrops and Lasagne

After having a rather rough start to the day (there’s nothing quite like having those intuitions confirmed), the kids and I were treated to an amazing and loving evening provided by my cousin.

She started by giving us all a raindrop massage. If you’ve never had one, I highly recommend this blissful essential oil experience. After spa time, she fed us her homemade lasagne (which is a family favourite) and we sat and shared stories and laughed.

Having these blessed family moments is what it is all about. We spent so long floating around, isolated little bubbles. It’s so good for the soul to be back around our tribe and people who truly care for and love us, and whom we love and trust. What a happiness moment.

As a bonus happiness moment, I spent some time today telling my story. I have decided not to post it right now, but I am no longer afraid to tell it. You see, I realized that I am no longer stuck in an abusive relationship, I no longer have to not tell my story. There is a lot of freedom and relief that comes with that realization.

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