Author Archives: Melissa

happiness

A silhouette of hope

  
This photo that I took this morning seems to express how I am feeling right now. Some dark, some shadows, rays of light, and a beautiful horse. Because everything hopeful in my life should include a horse. 

I am in a period of great uncertainty where I am having to rely heavily on my faith and trust that every blind step I am taking is one that will lead to a happier life. 

Moments like this one with the horse give me great joy and happiness. I feel my soul calm and am able to breathe deeply and find strength to face the things that cause me fear. 

My happiness moment was this great moment of peace in the morning. It was enhanced by great moments of love and support given to me throughout the day. These came in many different forms:  words of encouragement, super duper help with child care and taxi servicing to lessons (from my awesome cousin), kind smiles, feelings of love, and the grounding of home. 

The warmth that I get from looking at this photo is one I know I will return to many times to find peace. 

Standard
happiness

Girls in the barn 

  
This old barn holds so many magical memories. Generations of my family have worked and played inside it. My grandfather handpicked all the logs and then built it about a hundred years ago. It is one of those special places that holds my heart. 

This afternoon Jenna had a friend over to play and the first thing they did was run up to the barn to play. They ran around looking for cats, and then just enjoyed playing outside in the corral. 

I love that I can look out my kitchen window and see this building that holds such fond memories of my youth. I spent countless hours either playing in the loft or grooming my pony inside while looking out towards the mountains. 

It was a great happiness moment to see my child enjoying an earthy, blissful moment in beautifully grounding and stable (haha get it) place. 

Standard
happiness

Masterchef Jr Marathon

We had so many plans for the day. We were going to get up bright and early and head off to church, then come home and clean house, then maybe go for a nice afternoon drive. Best laid plans and all…. What ended up happening was that I slept for 10 hours (Jenna a little longer), we missed church, and ended up spending the day in our PJ’s on the couch binge watching Masterchef JR (and one Beethoven movie).

I had no idea how tired we were until we stopped and rested. I am so incredibly glad that we have a few days off pretty soon where everyone can just slow down a little bit and recharge their batteries.

Even though I spend a lot of time with the kids, we are often rushing here and there, going to school or various activities. I love quiet, lazy time spent with them as well. It was so nice to cuddle up with my girl on the couch and watch those little kids cook some pretty amazing meals.

Jenna used to cook all the time. When she turned 5 we were living in Rhode Island and she decided she wanted lobster bisque for her birthday. I chopped and turned on the stove, but she did all the rest of the cooking. We also used to make naan bread together all the time. Obviously it’s time to get motivated and get us both back in the kitchen. It was a great way of bonding for the two of us.

It was a great, slow, lazy happiness moment spent hanging with one of my favourite people in the world. I am so grateful that it is my job to nurture my amazing humans, watching them grow, learn, love and laugh.

Standard
happiness

Dancing with myself

I used to love to dance. I don’t dance well and usually do it only in the privacy of my own home, but I used to love to do it. I remember dancing in my bedroom as a teen to Duran Duran, Boy George, and mostly Billy Idol. I loved Billy Idol (still do). Even my pony Pirate loved Billy Idol and we were often listening to his music while running around together in the arena. Pirate was a little blonde bad ass punker-rebel so he really fit the part.

When the kids were little I used to dance with them all the time. With Jacob it was usually more kid appropriate music, with Jenna it tended to be more Black Eyed Peas and Lady Gaga (her choices). We would dance and dance and laugh and spin and enjoy each other.

Then some life stuff happened and all of a sudden dancing made me sad. I think it made me sad because it used to bring me so much joy and then when I was doing it all I could see was how unhappy life was. So I stopped. I’ve tried off and on to dance again, but there’s always been this underlying feeling of sadness lingering there.

Tonight I put Billy Idol on the Iphone and danced and twirled and sang (as badly as I dance) and really enjoyed myself. The direct result of this quest for happiness is that happiness is finding me. More and more there are happy and joyful moments. Even when surrounded by uncertainty, there is so much happiness and hope and love. Billy Idol… my happiness moment.

Standard
happiness

Urgent care 

I’m so grateful that we live where we do when one of us is in need of medical attention. It is such a refreshing change to go into the doctor, urgent care, or the hospital and have them ask what it is that brings you in today, or what is wrong, instead of what is your insurance.

Jacob hit the wall yesterday. Literally, hit the wall. He was running while playing indoor soccer in gym class and a kid pushed him as he was going by. Jacob flew into the wall bashing his left side and left leg against the concrete. When I picked him up he was sore, and it seemed to get worse as the night went on. When he woke up he was in considerable pain and I decided that he should be checked out (I was mostly concerned about internal damage or a cracked rib).

Off we went to Urgent Care in Cochrane. That place has been a godsend, we have been there a few times over the past year and every single time the staff has been incredibly kind and helpful. Because we were there early we were quickly brought in and given a room and had a nurse checking him out right away.

I was glad I took him in as they also were concerned about where his pain was. There was a resident doctor who came in and spent a lot of time moving him this way and that, asking him (him not me) questions, and generally checking him out. I was impressed that as she was poking him on his sides to see where it hurt, she was focusing on his face to watch for his pain reaction.

They did everything – urine test, drew blood, X-rays, and lots of manual examinations.

After a while the senior doctor came in and introduced herself (although she didn’t remember me I had met her on a previous visit and had been so impressed with her bedside manner. I was glad she was one of the people who were looking after us). She told us that it was the resident’s first day running the area and that she was mostly there to just keep an eye on things. Then she did a full examination of Jacob as well.

I was really impressed, because after her examination she brought the resident back in. She showed her a couple of tests she had done on Jacob – they were worried about his spleen and she had moved him a couple of different ways to see his reaction. Then she went over what the resident had done and told her what a great and thorough job she was doing. Good teachers are such a blessing and this lady is absolutely one of them. She seemed like the kind of person you could easily learn from, and leave an experience feeling smarter and better about yourself.

We ended up being sent in for an ultrasound just to rule out any issue with any internal organs. Fortunately it seems he’s just bruised and banged up and is in need of some extra TLC for the weekend (so he packed a bag and went to his Grandma’s house where he knew he would be spoiled rotten).

My happiness moment was realizing the blessing we have of having such a great medical team so close to where we live. It makes me feel so safe and secure knowing that there is this group of people who are really interested in making sure that we are well taken care of and brought back to our healthy state of being.

I’m so thankful for this place. I hope we don’t have to keep visiting it, but I’m glad it’s there!

Standard
happiness

A walk on the track

This afternoon after school, Jenna and I headed to the gym to walk along the track. It was maybe nice enough to have walked outside (except for that wind), but the last chinook left everything so icy it’s not very enjoyable walking these days.

The entire ride there Jenna babbled happily about her gym class at school. They had been playing a game and Jenna had decided to find out how fast a runner she was. She was feeling quite accomplished and was busy telling me how she felt like the Road Runner (complete with beep beeps and moments when he would get so far ahead he would stop and check his nails).

It thrills me when I pick up the kids and they are happy after a day at school. Both of them are settling into their environments and no longer feeling like the new kid. They both tell me often how this feels like home in a way that no other place ever has (well, because it is home. Real home). 

My happiness moment was walking along the track with my girl and listening to her talk about how happy she is. She talks about her friends and things they play at school, about activities they do in class, and just how much she likes being here. I love having one on one time with each kid, it was extra nice to get to move around a bit while we shared some stories.

As a bonus happiness moment, right before hitting post on my blog I had a call from my aunt (dad’s sister). We had a long and lovely conversation. I mentioned to her that one bonus that came out 2015 was that it brought us back closer with Dad’s family. I love those people and I’m so glad to be building closer and stronger relationships with them. I imagine Dad is really happy about that too.

 

Standard
happiness

A mind – full meditation

My meditation practice is still a work in progress. Meditation is something that I have been drawn to and curious about since discovering that I love yoga. But it’s also something I’ve been hesitant to do and slow to love.

I flirted a bit with it over the years, but it wasn’t until I became a student of New World Ayurveda that it actually became a part of my daily routine. And, let’s be honest here, a lot of the time it only is part of that routine because it’s a graduation requirement. Sometimes I like it, a lot of the time I hate it, often I am bored by it, always I feel better because of it.

When I first started I was so filled with anxiety that I couldn’t do more than a few minutes before having a panic attack. My body and soul was in such distress that I couldn’t take that quiet time. It took a lot of time and a lot of determination to keep going and get through that.

Interestingly, now as a byproduct of all that hard work (and some other things learned through Ayurveda), I barely think about anxiety at all anymore. I’ve made such enormous changes in my life and I’m hardly ever anxious.

However, usually I still struggle through my meditation practice. I’ll be focusing on my mantra and then instead of slipping into the blissful state I feel I should be heading towards, my mind goes to….. hmmmm what should I have for lunch? Did I get the kids all the things they needed for school? Is the dog going through the garbage? She’s such a naughty dog. I should take her for a walk, I hear the cats moving around, is there a mouse in the house? I’m hungry. Is this almost over? Why am I not all blissful? And then some real life problems are always mixed in.

I meditate for 20 minutes at a time. When I’m getting ready to meditate, I wish that I could maybe only do 5 or 10 minutes… but the course says I have to do 20. Grumble grumble. But, it’s not until the last 5 or so minutes when my brain usually lets go of all its crap and I relax into a proper state.

Today’s meditation was a wild ride. Unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. I’m focusing on letting go, allowing, trusting, loving, listening to my heart. It’s all very challenging for me as I have a hard time trusting and because of that a hard time allowing. Although I am also painfully aware that I never am able to actually accomplish anything positive by forcing and controlling. I know the only way to get where I want to be is by surrendering and allowing.

Today though everything just went into this beautiful space and I was able to let things go and find a lot of freedom and peace. It was a beautiful moment in time that created an incredible amount of healing and strength for me. That was my happiness moment today.

 

Standard
happiness

Sisters who lunch

Today for the first time in ages my sister and I shared a couple of child free hours together. I think for the last 14 + years every time we have been together one of the other of us has had a child pulling at our legs looking for attention. While they are our favourite human beings, it was awfully nice to get a chance to just sit and talk with my sister.

Without really planning it, we ended up back in our old ‘hood. Actually, I was treated to lunch at the building that was the McDonalds in our childhood neighbourhood. It’s amazing how that place has changed so much and still carried the same feeling of home. It was weird to feel so comfortable and at home in a place that actually was totally unfamiliar. It was even more so after a fire that went through part of the shopping centre at the end of last year. But, behind that was our old elementary school, and not to much farther down the street was our old home.

We didn’t really talk about anything important, but it wasn’t unimportant by any means either. All those small conversations about childhood memories, our own children, family life, friends, work, dreams, and hopes – they’re all the things that make up the big picture.

It was a wonderful happiness moment, just spending some quiet time alone with her. My sister is such a rare and wonderful person to have in my life. She’s someone who has known me since the beginning of our memories (well, I do remember a bit of life as the only child and therefore centre of the universe), someone who I can be totally and completely myself around, and someone whom I know will have my back always and no matter what. Those of us who have sisters that are also our friends are very lucky individuals indeed.

As a bonus happiness moment, Jenna and I were watching Masterchef Jr and they were doing a dish that best represented the head chefs (they were spicy, stinky, and wrinkly). I asked Jenna what she was and she said “sweet”, and then said Jacob was “bold”. I couldn’t have picked better dishes to describe those two. Actually they’re both sweet and bold, but as their mom I generally think they’re absolutely perfect specimens anyway (it’s the mom goggles).

Standard
happiness

Alberta Bound

I have a happiness playlist on my phone that I listen to almost constantly. The songs are many and varied, but for different reasons they all bring me happiness when I listen to them.

A year ago the song that was played over and over was Alberta Bound by Paul Brandt. By that time we have been away from home for over 10 years, Dad was so sick, and I was desperate to be back among my people. We had decided the fall of of 2014 that the kids and I would be able to return home June 2015, but I was filled with uncertainty about how that would happen and if it would happen before it was too late for Dad.

I was listening to the song again today and thinking of what I was doing a year ago right now, still living in Virginia, still so uncertain, and alone, and homesick. I played Alberta Bound continuously as I prayed that somehow we would safely return back to our tribe. I remember sitting on the floor of our kitchen repeating the words over and over

I’m Alberta Bound
This piece of heaven that I’ve found
Rocky Mountains and black fertile ground
Everything I need beneath that big blue sky
Doesn’t matter where I go
This place will always be my home
Yeah I’ve been Alberta Bound for all my life
And I’ll be Alberta Bound until I die

Somehow I figured if I repeated it often enough it would make it happen.

And then it did. Things got quickly worse with Dad and I knew that if we didn’t come back right away we would not make it in time. We packed our essentials, left the rest of the packing in the good care of my friend to supervise (and later my husband to ship) and we left. Alberta bound.

We made it in time to spend two and a half months with Dad before he died. I will be forever grateful for that time that strengthened our family for what was to come.

 Back home again. The barn built by my grandpa  
Now we live in the house that was built by my great-grandparents, beside the barn built by my grandpa ( I can see it when I look out the kitchen window. That is happiness). We have our tribe all around us, we are firmly grounded in our roots, and I can see horses in the field (you have no idea what that does for my soul). This place has always been my home and I am so thankful that we are back here. We need the love and the support of our family and friends, and we are so blessed to be blended back in with them again.

Today on my drive home from the morning school drop off I had to pull off a couple of times to admire the beauty of where I live. It was a gratitude filled happiness moment.

  Those amazing Rocky Mountains. I never get enough of them. 

  

Machinery in the hay valley by our house  
 

Standard
happiness

And so we roar 

You know when you’re just sitting on the couch and all of a sudden you get into a roaring match with your cousin beside you? No? Maybe you have to be a two or fourteen year old boy.  

 
But, if you want to know what happiness sounds like, sit near these boys during one of their roar matches. Their happiness is so intense it is contagious. 

I love when happiness spontaneously bursts out of people. You can almost see it flow to everyone around. Heartfelt, innocent, love filled, happiness. We are blessed to have these two guys in our lives. 

Standard