I spent the evening with my boy. When I am lucky enough to get quality one on one time like this I remember what a smart and funny person he is. I love getting to hear what is going on in his head.
He’s so mature and has the ability to put himself in other people’s hearts to better understand how they are feeling. I feel so blessed to have this loving soul in my life.
Scarfing down sushi tonight with him was the happiness moment for the day.
Be the change you want to see in the world (Gandhi) is one of my favourite sayings of all time. I think it’s a great reminder that we get back what we put out there, that if we want to see and receive love we need to give and live with it. On the flip side, if you expect darkness and pain that’s usually what you get as well. It is one of the quotes that I kept close to my heart as I started climbing to a better place.
Today I ran into someone who embodies these words. Every time I see her she’s happy and positive – authentically looking for the bright side of things, and I know she’s seen some dark days. Every time I see her I want to run over and visit with her because without fail she makes me feel happier and lighter than I was before. She has that kind of energy that draws people to her. I know I’m not the only one who feels this way, I hear other people get just as excited when they see her. Melba’s here, let’s go say hi.
That is the kind of change I want to be in the world. What a gift to bring joy and happiness just by shining your light into the world. She inspires me to be a better, happier person. When I think of how I want to be as I grow and find myself, it is to become someone like that. I am so lucky that she is in my life, it was a beautiful happiness moment running into her today.
If you read my blog on a regular basis you’ll know that I am grateful every day that we are back home around our tribe in the place that we love most.
There’s something about being here that is calming to my soul. Most mornings while we are driving into school we are able to look west and enjoy the mountain view. The kids get as excited as I do about how clearly we can see them and how lucky we are that this is our life.
As a child I spent hours out here, usually on the back of my horse, appreciating God’s artwork. I didn’t know it at the time but I was doing an active meditation and communicating directly with my Source.
Now not only do I have the opportunity to do that again, but I have the joy of experiencing it with my kids.
Being able to appreciate the beauty that is around us really helps me to put things in perspective. The material things we have lost can always be replaced. But the joy I experience from living a life I love is priceless.
My happiness moment today was admiring God’s artwork with Jacob as we drove into town. We are blessed. This life of happiness and love we are attracting gets brighter every day.
The past year and a bit have been quite the emotional rollercoaster for me. One thing that has stayed constant has been my understanding that through all the things that have been going on I have been held firmly in the hands of God. Even in the times that I have questioned things, I know that He has been guiding me and holding me.
I had a rather profound experience during my meditation yesterday. I realized that even though I’ve done a lot of work getting through and getting over the hurts that happened during the course of my marriage, and even though I’ve been very consciously working at cutting all the remaining emotional chords (the ones remaining being full of anger and pain), that I had never really said an emotional goodbye to him. And, unfortunately for me that was going to mean forgiving him.
There’s a big part of me that still does not want to forgive. I want to be small and petty and sit with my anger and hurt. There’s an even bigger part of me though that wants to be free and happy. That part of me knows that I need to forgive in order to finally be free. Remember how I swore I never, ever would forgive? Damn it!!!
I’ve struggled with forgiving him before. I did it over and over again in our marriage. What I found issue with back then was that every time I forgave him, another more painful betrayal would soon pop up and I’d have to not only deal with another forgiveness, but also the realization that I’d mistakenly given trust and placed faith once again. This time though, I’m able to go into this without having any expectations of him at all. We will never have any kind of relationship again, I won’t ever have to trust him or believe his word again. I just have to forgive him and let myself be free, so that he can be somebody that I used to know.
I couple of weeks ago I posted about how I felt I was sitting at a locked door and I thought I had the key (that key being surrender) but didn’t know how to use it. Part of the surrender I struggle with involves forgiveness. I don’t expect to forgive overnight, but I expect it to happen. I feel lucky in many ways, I am not dealing with a broken heart, that part of the relationship I dealt with years ago. However these feelings of hurt and anger can be quite the load to let go of as well. I see people decades after divorce still carrying that around and I don’t want that for myself. I want to move into a healthy and functional relationship with a partner whom I love and trust and I have to be that person myself as well.
My aunt sent me a letter a while ago which sat forgotten on the kitchen counter. I opened it today and she wrote me about finding faith at my locked door. I think it was waiting for me to open it today because today I’m ready to really hear the words. In part it included some scripture from Rev. 3:19-21
those whom I love, I reprove and discipline; be zealous therefore, and repent. Behold, I stand at the door and knock; if anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and will dine with him, and he with Me. He who overcomes, I will grant to him to sit down with Me on My throne, as I also overcame and sat down with My Father on His throne.
God has guided me so patiently and clearly in this past year (I know He has all my life, but He’s made me pretty aware of it lately), how can I not listen?
My birthday present this year was the beginnings of the divorce, and my Mother’s Day present is the beginnings of forgiveness. I feel like they’re the two most important gifts I’ve ever given myself.
My happiness moment today happened at 1:00 am. I woke up suddenly and grabbed my phone without knowing why. I saw a few missed calls and texts from my cousin. She was trying to tell me to get outside and look at the Northern Lights. I woke the kids and we ran out into the yard to see God’s amazing light display. They were some of the best ones I’ve ever seen, they danced all over the sky. It was warm and clear and we stood out there for over an hour admiring the show in the sky.
It was a beautiful Saturday here and we all took full advantage of the weather. The girls played on the trampoline with the sprinkler and the boy and I got the yard ready for the summer. The lawn is mowed, the flowerbed is almost all weeded, the furniture is out.
Not too long ago I had a hard time believing I could do anything, my self esteem having been squished to an all time low. I’m loving the feeling of finding myself again, remembering that I am capable of accomplishing both big and small things.
And when I’m done building my world (or need a break from it), I now have the hammock out to rest in. Lying there quietly in the yard where I find such peace and contentment was my happiness moment today.
I’ve decided to add back in two routines into my daily life that for me are much like my meditation practice. I often find them a challenge start, but afterwards I always feel so much better having done them. I’m talking about doing Morning Pages and Sun Salutations.
I haven’t religiously done Morning Pages for about 5 years, although I’ve managed to be kind of hit and miss about it over that time. When I was doing them every day prior to that I began to understand why Julia Cameron says they’re a must for boosting creativity. I did Sun Salutations every day for a few months a couple of years ago and then let that practice slip to the wayside, somehow forgetting how great they are at relaxing and stretching out my body. It’s time to add back in that little bit of extra self care and self love.
It’s only been a few days of doing both exercises, but already I can tell my body and mind are getting clearer and happier. Knowing that I can so easily do something that brings joy and peace to my soul is my inner happiness moment.
On a larger scale, I have a completely different, outer happiness moment. It seems as though all of Alberta is pulling together to help the people who have lost so much in the Fort McMurray fire. My Facebook feed is filled with local people and businesses raising money, donating supplies, and even offering homes to the people who had to so suddenly leave everything they had.
I looked at photos of people with their dogs piled on West Jet planes that have volunteered to go up to help people evacuate. It certainly made it very clear to me that whenever possible in the future I am booking with West Jet for all my flights.
For very different reasons, the kids and I came very close to losing everything earlier this year. We were essentially left destitute and if not for the kindness of those around us I don’t know what would have happened. I see this same kind of love and support being shown by strangers all over the province (and other provinces as well) as they’re doing whatever they can to help out. Our smaller scale personal tragedy has left me with a lot of empathy for these people whose lives changed at the drop of a hat.
Image from CTV news.
The power of kindness is amazing and overwhelming. It is so easy to focus on the negative, but there really are some powerfully loving people out there in the world. When tragedies like this happen it really lets that love shine through. I feel blessed to be in a place where there are people who will do so much to help out their neighbours. The world needs more of this. It reminds me to shine love and light wherever I can, you never know who needs some kindness. It gives me such hope to see that love really does always win.
The boy had a bonus day off of school today so we took a much needed happiness break and drove to the mountains for some one on one time. There has been so much stress and emotional turmoil for all three of us over the past year, I want to make sure they come out of this time as healthy and loved as is humanly possible. Sometimes the best way to make that happen is to just leave all your cares behind and head west to the mountains.
I have always found so much healing and strength being wrapped in a big mountain hug. I could see him relaxing and enjoying life a little bit more as well. We giggled our way up and down the streets and spent some time really talking to each other. Keeping that bond is so important. I feel so fortunate that at almost 15 he will spend a day with me by choice. The three of us have worked very hard over the years to develop a strong bond and it really pays off. They are my security blankies and I am theirs (blankies are a big thing in our house so it’s a good point of reference for us).
I’ll have to work double time for the rest of the week to make up for the unexpected day off, but it was so worth it. Making sure the kids feel grounded, loved, and safe is always my number one priority. It was good for my soul too, I need the reminder that we are grounded, loved and safe as well.
What a great happiness moment celebration. We are blessed.
It’s May already. On the 28th it will be a year since Dad died. I can’t believe it’s been so long already. So much has happened in this year, yet in other ways it feels like a lifetime. Sometimes now I can even talk about dad without immediately bursting into tears. Other times I’m still crying for no reason at all. I don’t think I’ll ever be used to him not being here
My sister and family were down for the weekend and we had some fun full family time. Spring time at the ranch means calves, outside fun, and reuniting with neighbours after a long winter.
Today was filled with seeing the newborn calf, blowing bubbles, running in the fields and doing puzzles.
Last night we went up to the community hall for a family dance. I two stepped with my uncle (I really need to learn how to do that properly) and line danced like it was 1992.
Being here with the tribe. That’s what it’s all about.
My happiness moment: Jacob came in and asked me to make Mac and cheese for lunch. I told him to fill up a pot with water and go prepare to be an adult and look after things. He went into the kitchen and called me from the house phone. When I answered he said come make my Mac and cheese please. When I asked are you really calling me from the kitchen to come make your food? He responded with yes. You said go prepare for being an adult. When I’m am adult and I don’t know how to do things I plan on calling you to come do them for me.
A happiness moment because it was funny, but also because he’s healing enough that he’s found his funny again.
I questioned as I began the motions of this divorce how I would view love by the time I was through. I kind of laugh now looking back at how completely innocent I was in my knowledge about what had been going on in my marriage. I knew there had been betrayal, but I never imagined the depths that it went to – or the cost of it. I was completely unprepared for what I found out in discovery and processing all of that has been a real challenge for me.
As I look forward to the love that lies ahead for me I am so excited, like butterflies in my tummy excited. I had worried that I would feel bitter and angry towards men but that’s not the case. Don’t get me wrong, I’m bitter and angry towards Mr X, and even though I’m supposed to I don’t think I will forgive him for as long as I am breathing life on this planet. But, I’m not jaded at all about love. In fact, this process has made me believe in love all that much more, because now I know that real true love is an option for me. Because of this divorce I will be able to find a partner who really and truly loves me and wants to share a life with me. That’s something I thought would never happen. I embrace that with my whole heart. That brings me happiness.
On Sunday when our conference was coming to a close I witnessed the most beautiful declaration of love. Brian turned to his wife Nichole and said with a voice full of deep emotion: you are the reason why I know God loves me.
I sat there with my heart fluttering and thought what a beautiful love. How special to have such a love and how lucky were we to watch them move in their love. Someone else said the balance of the two together creates a new whole. That’s what I want for myself. Someone who loves me that deeply and truly. Someone with whom I create a new whole. It will happen. Things are shifting in my life at an incredible pace.
This morning on our way into town Jenna made me pull over so we could see the lucky horseshoe in the sky. The past two days have been filled with unexpected happy blessings in the form of people (friends and strangers) who have held out a hand to make our lives more comfortable. Seriously, the weirdest things have been happening where people have gone out of their way to give us things or share blessings with us. Law of Attraction in motion.
Sitting with my monkeys and looking at the sign of fortune in the sky this morning was my happiness moment.
The day started off with some happiness giggles. Jacob was using google translate to repeat sentences back to himself in English. He said he uses it sometimes when he’s having difficulty reading something in class – I thought this was brilliant problem solving on his part. This morning however he was using it just to be silly.
As we were heading into town he typed hahahahahahaha into the translator and we were laughing at how silly the robotic voice sounded laughing.
We turned the corner and ran into our family of deer having their morning meal. They lifted their heads up to greet us while munching away. Jenna started laughing and pointed out they were chewing and opening their mouthes in time to the translator saying hahahahaha. They were! It was the cutest thing to watch.
My happiness moment, sitting on the road with the two people I love most and enjoying the morning. We are blessed.
