Tag Archives: divorce

happiness

Another trip around the sun

Today is my birthday. Two years ago I started this happiness journey with 44 days of happiness. The life I was living was completely different from the one I have today. We were living in SW Virginia, I was so unhappy, scared, alone, fearful, anxious, and lost. I decided to start looking for something every single day that made me happy and since I was turning 44 I would do it for 44 days.

When I started it was really difficult. Some days the only thing that I could find that made me happy was seeing the heron on my morning walk. There was not a lot of joy in my life and I had to work really hard to find any kind of sunshine. After the 44 days I felt a lot better, but knew I had much more work to do to get to where I wanted to be. So, I kept up with my happiness seeking – looking for a moment of happiness in each and every day.

The last two years have seen huge changes in my life both externally and internally. The kids and I have come home, we are safely and happily living back in the middle of our tribe. We still have struggles, but we have a grounding that I could never manage to create before. It may be a slow pace, but I feel us all moving ahead on this journey of healing and discovering.

Every year I have set an intention for the upcoming year. For 46 my intention is to believe – to have faith and trust that what I am doing is the right thing, to listen to God to know that I am on the right path, to believe in myself.

Also to remember that I gave all of my fucks away in 2016 and that I no longer have any more fucks to give. I am not going to spend hours stressing over things that could happen, things that are happening, things that have happened. I’m just going to let it be (and if you know me in real life and are laughing hysterically right now – remember this is an intention. I am a work in progress).

My happiness moment today: I had supper with my kids and my mom which was special and I treasure that. I don’t mean that lightly, after 10 years of being away to spend my birthday supper in grandma’s kitchen with my family is a big freaking deal.  After, as we were munching on our cupcakes, we shared memories of my childhood and of the kids’ childhood. We seem to have broken into this space where they want to talk about happy childhood memories and that brings me a lot of pleasure. For a long time no one wanted to talk about anything from the past, I’m glad that we can bring back some of the happy times. It’s also the best day of the year to be on Facebook and I was humbled and flattered by all the friends who sent me well wishes. I am a very blessed person.

Standard
happiness

Girl talks 

I had a very pleasant unexpected afternoon out with my girl today. We had some errands to run in the city and while we were there discovered we were hangry and near Mercatos. We decided to have a little pre-birthday dinner (or for her a post-birthday dinner). 

I realized while we were sitting and chatting that we don’t do this kind of thing often enough. We get one on one time after school but it’s often rushed and filled with errands. 

To sit just the two of us at a table and enjoy a meal that I neither had to prepare nor clean up from has not happened in a long time. 

Without meaning to, our conversation got deep. She’s got a lot going on in that preteen soul and it was an honour to get to see a little of that. She’s a pretty amazing little human and has really learned a lot about people and relationships. I continue to be impressed by her. 

It was a delightful meal, there is a certain kind of happiness that you get when you break bread with someone you love. Deeper happiness was our conversation. I treasure that and I’m grateful that she trusts me enough to let me in. 

Standard
happiness

Faith or Fear

A year ago tomorrow I had an appointment to see a divorce lawyer. I was so scared and feeling vulnerable and completely blindsided. I had no idea what was ahead, all I knew was that the decision he made to sever finances from his wife and children was going to change our family and the rest of our lives.

The first couple of months after I filed for divorce were completely filled with fear. But the battle of fear vs faith was one I was familiar with. Years before when I knew that my life needed a change I sat quietly with God and realized that either I trusted Him completely or I didn’t. After having tried extensively to fix my life myself (and failing brutally), I handed it over to God in faith and everything changed.

I had to learn that lesson all over again last year. And I learned to walk in faith, I learned to trust God completely, I understood there was a plan and I just had to follow. I mean, I didn’t follow perfectly, and I certainly swore a lot at God (and doubted him too), but overall I learned to have faith and (more difficult), patience.

(Let’s be honest, I had to learn that lesson the year before as well as we were watching my dad die. It’s one of those lessons that I say ok, thanks God, that was brutal I have learned my lesson. I’ll never forget it. Please don’t be that harsh again. And then I forget and have to learn the lesson all over again)

Lately there have been fear feelings again. I don’t know why, my intuition just tells me that big changes are coming. This intuition has given me the heads up a few times over the past couple of years and has been dead on every single time, so I pay attention. I don’t know what the changes are, I don’t particularly embrace change, but I know that it happens no matter how I feel about it.

I came across this quote:

And I realized how true it is. I can either stress about whatever change is brewing, or I can walk ahead in faith.

This photo was taken almost 10 years ago when we moved from Quebec to Rhode Island. It was a big, scary move – and a huge leap of faith. It was also a step into some really, brutally hard years. But those years have also brought me into myself and there’s a huge gift in that. If all that crap hadn’t happened I wouldn’t be who I am today, I wouldn’t know that when the storm hits I can stand in it and walk through with my loved ones. I wouldn’t know that I want to surround myself with people who make me shine brighter instead of those who want to dim my shine.

I’ve changed a lot over the last year. For a while I thought I was changing back into who I was before. But, I’ve realized that’s not the case at all. I have grown into someone completely different than I have even been. For the first time in my life I know my value, I feel my faith, and I trust and love on a level I never knew was possible. So, with all the heartache of the past year there is a lot of gratitude as well. I am glad I had the opportunity to turn into this version of myself.

That is happiness, deep and lasting happiness. Being here with my kids, seeing them smile and trust and love – that is happiness. Watching them grow, seeing them bond with their tribe – happiness that bursts my heart.

Standard
happiness

Love is what you do 

Love is not what you say

Love is what you do. 

I have begun to understand the importance of these words over the last few years. I have had people in my life who would say one thing but do something completely opposite. In fact, I’ve probably done that myself. I’m sure we all have. 

But, as I began to heal and began to focus on becoming the best version of myself that I can be, I really began to notice that what makes a person is not what they say but what they do. 

It made me really focus on being impeccable with my word (from The Four Agreements), and made me want to be surrounded by people who were the same. I’m certainly not there all the time, but it’s something I put a lot of attention on. 

I’ve talked about this amazing healing community that is being built up around the kids and me. One of them is my massage therapist who does cranial sacral treatments on both me and the boy. It helps calm the nervous system, helps with PTSD, and with anxiety – as well as many other healing things. 

But the therapist, he has really connected with my son – he gets him, understands what he’s going through, and has really gone above and beyond to help him out on his healing journey. 

We can heal ourselves and can we heal each other. And we need a community to do that in. Listening to my boy talk about the healing that is happening and the support he’s feeling as he goes through it is a huge happiness moment. 

For me, the grounding of being home and with my tribe helps give me the strength to reach out and give support 

Standard
happiness

Patriots and memories 

We watched the Patriots game tonight. I’m not really much of a football fan, but we were trained early on in our Rhode Island days to be a fan of all New England teams. They did a good job of that. 

It had the added bonus of bringing up lots of Rhode Island memories. Because there were so many bad ones, we haven’t talked a lot about it. But the reality is that a huge part of their childhood was spent there and there were some good moments. 

So we talked about Mikes Pastries and fun day trips to Boston, my retreats to Kripalu, days spent at the beach, play dates with friends. We had a lot of fun there too. That deserves to be remembered and celebrated. 

Standard
happiness

Movies and the mountains 

It was another rough day dealing with the cold. I thought I was getting better, but my sore throat decided to come back. Fortunately there wasn’t a lot that had to get done today and I was able to spend it quietly watching movies. All those movies that got put on the pvr over Christmas to watch during quiet times that never happened are sure appreciated now. 

The one thing I did this morning was drive over to my cousin’s house. It was a beautiful morning and I went slowly and really appreciated the beauty of where we live. 


I’ve realized lately that I haven’t been really successful in processing a lot of the emotions and events of the last few years. I’m learning how to do that now. What I keep coming back to is how incredibly grateful I am that God brought us back home, that we have this safe and wonderful place to be, and how happy I am to be here. 

It’s breathing life and love back into my soul, and that is happiness. 

Standard
happiness

Big Bang Theory

I had a tv marathon with the boy tonight. We are both starting to think we will survive this cold, but don’t feel well enough to really want to do stuff.  The (healthy) girl took off to her grandma’s to be spoiled and left us here to lie around and do nothing. 

It sounds lame, but it was fun. We caught up on Big Bang Theory and laughed. Perfect kind of happiness for a quiet, healing day. 

Standard
happiness

Taking flight 

Today my little birthday project took a huge step towards being a reality. I have backing and support, I have ideas and tools to use to move ahead. It’s happening! I’m pretty excited. 

The thought of being able to share happiness with a child who needs it is really exciting – not only for me but for my kids too. 

By next month Celebrate Every Child should be throwing our first party!! That is huge happiness! 

Standard
happiness

At The Hub

I woke up feeling pretty under the weather. The cold virus hit our family over the weekend and the boy and I have been taking turns with fever chills – no fun to say the least. 

He only had to go to school for an hour today (a tutorial during exam week) and I had no choice but to hang in town until he was done. There’s an new coffee shop near his school and I finally tried it. I love it – I think it’s my new place. It’s got comfy chairs, nice soft music, and great smelling food.  I bought a tea and sat quietly and read while he did his thing at school. That’s happiness. 


When I picked him up I also ended up driving his friend home. After we had dropped him off, my boy told me how grateful he was that I was around for him, that he hears friends talk about how they never see their parents, and although I may be a smother sometimes that he’s happy I’m there for him. That’s happiness to the core of my being. 

Providing them with a safe, happy childhood is my number one priority and it makes me glad to know that they’re feeling that. 

Standard
happiness

Sunrise with Derek and survival mode

We have been enjoying some pretty amazing skies lately, and this morning I was fortunate enough to get outside and see the day break with my good buddy Derek. Look at that little face! How can you not love him. It warmed my heart to  start the day getting cuddles from this little dude (Peaches and George are in the back ground, the less-talked-about orphan calves).

Happiness

We finally got our lazy butts back to church after almost a month of finding many reasons to sleep in and it felt really good. I love my women’s group, and I always get so much out of the sermon.

The topic today was how to step out of the shadow of being in survival mode. This is exactly what I have come to the realization lately that I need to do. The last few years have been all about survival – there has been a lot of growth as well – but survival has been the driving force. I feel sometimes like all I do is run around and put out fires and that I never actually get to move ahead to where I want to be. My body tells me I am survival mode as it is exhausted from holding my being in a constant stressed state of flight or flight. And you know what? The danger, the stress, the fear…. it’s not present in my life anymore. I don’t need to be in survival mode. It’s like my soul, my body, my being does not know how to let go of being in survival mode.

All of that I have known for a while, but my question was how do I get out of it? Because trust me, I have been working hard to get there.

Our pastor had some ideas.

Stay the course. Show up every day, be strong and courageous to do what God wants regardless of the outcome. Work from a faith based perspective rather than an outcome based one. 

Fear keeps you from coming out of the shadows (Oh my.. this is so me). Identify your fears, look them in the eye, then list the ways that God has been faithful. I have taken huge leaps of faith the past couple of years, and I am learning how to do this one, but fear has held me back from taking chances and achieving great things my whole life.

Experience God’s word every day of your life. And remember, you can read God’s word, study His word, and not still not hear Him. We need to hear Him. I need to hear Him. Sometimes I get so busy telling Him what I want I don’t stop to listen to what He is telling me.

And then this:

Genesis 12:1-2

Now the Lord said to Abram, “Go from your country and your kindred and your father’s house to the land that I will show you. 2 I will make of you a great nation, and I will bless you, and make your name great, so that you will be a blessing.

And he went.

Going where God wants us to go is never without leaving something behind. We need to ask what we need to leave behind in order to come out of the shadows.

The last couple of years I have left so much behind. There has been a lot of pain – some of that I have left behind, some of that I still carry with me (some of it my children still carry and I carry their burden as well). I have a pretty good idea of what I need to leave behind to come out of the shadows. I am no longer a victim. I was put in that role, and I have played it for a long time. I am no longer his victim and I don’t have to carry the emotional burden that comes along with that. I can learn to leave that behind. It has been almost a year now since I filed for divorce, I have learned so much, have gained more strength than I thought possible, know that there was no truth to that life we were living, it’s time to learn how to come out of the shadows. I’m ready. That is also happiness.

 

 

 

Standard