Tag Archives: faith

happiness

Easter break

We are heading into our Easter break. It’s kind of bittersweet- I love Easter – I love the meaning of hope and new life and the promise from God it reminds us of. I also love my childhood memories of Easter. We always went to Vancouver Island when I was a kid and celebrated with the flowers, the ocean, and the cathedral. The kids and I were so lucky to have spent Easter there last year.

It’s kind of weird going into Easter this year without mom and dad. But life goes on, there is always the promise of new hope. We are in a season of change and I need to embrace it not resist it. New and wonderful things are trying to grow and it’s important I tend to my soul garden.

I think it’s important to hold onto some of those good memories, but it’s time to let go of the ones that hold me back. They can serve as the fertilizer for the new chapter of my life. I’m looking forward to it

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Youth Group

We were so fortunate that even before we moved back home my kids were involved in the church we now go to thanks to my cousin and her family. They have been faithful members of this church for years and the year before we moved back home both my kids were involved in VBS here when we came back for a visit.

This church swooped us up right from the beginning and gave us a safe place to land. First my son and now my daughter have joined the youth group and gained instant friends, as well as time with their cousins, to play, laugh, and deepen their relationships with God. They have become an important part of all of our lives and I’m so grateful we all have this as part of our spiritual tribe.

Kids are at youth, mama is home reading a book with a cup of tea enjoying the quiet with a cat curled up beside me. Life is good and the simple things are what bring us joy – it doesn’t cost a penny.

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The Fallen Housewife

I have known for a little while that the next step in my healing was going to be sharing my story. I just had to wait until the time was right. Aside from the grief of my parents dying and the struggles from the divorce and just general life with teens- I wanted to wait to share when I was in a space where it would be more than angry rants.

I’m there now. It is time. I need to keep healing, and part of that is stepping out of the shame and embarrassment and hurt I lived in.

I’ve started a new blog. I’ll keep this one going of course, it has been a lifeline for me as I’ve been learning how to surrender into happiness. But I needed a place to tell my story. So thefallenhousewife.com was created (you can follow it on it’s Facebook page https://www.facebook.com/thefallenhousewife/).

As Rafiki says it is time. I’m thankful I’m at this stage of healing, there were some hard years in there.

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Feeding my soul

I’ve been really stressed out and run down lately. It’s due in part to the things I need to sort out for mom’s estate – there are lots of things that the government needs because of the extra care she was getting. I’m so grateful for all that care – it allowed her to spend more time at home, and gave her a lot of comfort and peace – so the work is totally worth it. It is just sad work, I’m not really accepting well the fact that both mom and dad are gone. I think it’s just a lot to absorb, and so much has happened the last 3 years.

Added to that is the chore of getting my things ready for taxes. It is emotionally draining as I’ve had to go back and pay my lawyer again to show the thousands of dollars that I have spent in attempts to have Mr. X follow the court order for support. He is now almost $40,000 behind in payments and to say that has had a huge impact on our lives is no joke. It’s hard on me, it’s hard on the kids – it’s exhausting.

I have realized that I’ve been so stressed out that I haven’t been looking after my soul properly lately. I need my Drishti, I need the peace he brings me, I need to be spending more time with him. He is a big part of what feeds my soul and recharges me so that I have the strength to carry on. I can’t make Mr. X follow the court order or be a decent human, I can’t bring my parents back – but I can go riding and free my soul even for a little while.

I really can only be responsible for my own happiness, my own freedom, and my own life choices. I need to be making ones that are good for my soul, for my family, for my heart.

Thank God for this horse.

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We are those guys

Yesterday when we were walking around Banff we kept getting behind the funniest two guys who were having the strangest conversations. The first time I heard well, I was doing fine until I sat on me ass for a year eating nothing but shit food, that made me fat and miserable. Later we ended up behind them again and I heard  well, I have to argue with you – you always think you’re right about everything and I have to prove you’re not. Lastly the boy heard them arguing over whether a giraffe or koala was the better animal. They were so funny I couldn’t keep a straight face.

Tonight after the girl had ball we went out for milkshakes and we were having one of our usual insane conversations. We noticed the people in the booth behind us snickering and poking at each other and listening to our conversation.

The boy looked at me and started to laugh and said we are those guys from yesterday – thats us today having this conversation. 

I am so grateful for the relationship I have with my kids. It’s a lot of work for all of us to be this close and work together, but I don’t know how we would do it any other way.

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The old pony club days

Some of my best memories are of Pony Club at Buckley’s in the ’70s. There weren’t a lot of us English riders in this ranching area- but the few of us who were rode together and had a blast. It was in the days when safety was less of an issue so the fact we are all still alive is kind of a miracle.

Seriously though, I have found the strength to get through some of the most difficult times of my life by pulling strength from those old Pony Club days. They also are filled not only with memories of terror and walking through fear, but of laughter and friendship and fun.

We had to get an assessment of the house done for probate and a lady who said she was familiar with the area came out to do it for us. As I was showing her the house she said she used to do Pony Club at Buckley’s which made us both stop and stare at each other. Because we had to have ridden together.

Turns out I rode with her younger sister. The first year (when we were about 5) she and I and one other girl slept in the grain bins at camp. My aunt had to take us in and bathe us and give us special food because she felt for us being so little out there. It still is one of my favorite memories.

I love how connected we are. She looked at an old photo of my sister on her Shetland and said oh Peanuts- I remember her. It’s amazing how many of my people know Peanuts from her previous owners. I mean this was like 40 years ago. Peanuts left an impression.

I had such a happy soul feeling – out tribe stretches through time

Here’s 9 year old me on the hill at Buckley’s at the D Rally. Good times.

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Talk about it

The girl and I had an explosive moment this afternoon after school. I had decided to venture into her bedroom earlier to grab some laundry. Well that was a scarring experience to say the least.

How we handled it was interesting – I was upset but trying not to freak out too much and so was she (both for different reasons). But we quickly moved to a place where we both expressed how we felt about the disaster that was her room. And she came home and spent the evening cleaning it – no complaints. It was incredibly mature of her and I was so proud. I’ve got some awesome kids.

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Helping Hands

Last fall we were gifted the time of the administrative assistant at the ranch to help us sort out some of mom’s paperwork and files. I don’t know what I would have done without this guardian angel. She has everything so well organized and when I go over there to sort things to send in to the government (I have an audit due) she knows exactly what I need to do and has things sorted out for me.

At the best of times this kind of paperwork makes me hear white noise and makes me want to curl up in a ball, but it’s so emotional being mom’s things and I just can’t make my brain do what it needs to. So this amazing lady guides me and sorts me out and files things in the right place.

Sometimes we feel like we need to do everything ourselves – to prove our independence, our strength, our intelligence – but let me tell you: we need each other. We weren’t made to function all alone, we need to rely on and support each other. We all have gifts that help ourselves and other people out – they need to be shared.

I am so grateful for my tribe, for this woman, for where we live. It’s a God gift.

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Let’s do that 81 more times

Today was another one of those days filled with joy and sadness. After having such a great day yesterday I woke up feeling fine (and then I giggled thinking of laughing about feeling fine with my relative the night before. Fine we use as an acronym: F*ckedup, Insecure, Neurotic, and Emotional).

I realized today marked 2 months since Mom died. I think I am more in denial about that than I was 2 months ago.

But that same relative has said to me life goes on and it truly does. It’s ok to be sad, but life goes on and I don’t want to miss it all.

Today also marked the birthday of my uncle. He and my aunt have always been like extra parents to my sister and I – and today I really needed to be with my tribe. So I was extremely thankful we were included in on the celebration and I could get out of my head (or my heart)  and really put myself in the present moment.

My connection to my tribe grounds me and keeps me sane. I depend on that feeling of knowing there is a soft place to land – I think we all do.

 

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It’s what makes me happy

Today was one of those days that was just so good. We need more days that bring peace to our hearts and smiles to our faces.

We spent the day in Olds at 4H multi-judging – it’s something so far out of my comfort zone and experience – yet the more my kids get involved in 4H the more I love it. I’m so happy they get to have these experiences, and we have such an awesome club. The adults get along, the kids get along, and the fact that most of us are related is a huge bonus. One thing about coming from such a large family is we have lots of extended cousins that we don’t know very well and things like this allows us to deepen those relationships. I love it.

The girl had softball evaluations after that – and softball is what makes her heart sing. I loved watching her hit the ball and run bases and do the other exercises they laid out for the kids. When she got in the car after she said it’s what makes me the happiest of all – playing ball – and we all need that thing that makes our spirit feel free.

We finished the day with a family birthday party at the Hall. I love the family, the community and our Hall and I love that we get to be part of people coming together to share and celebrate.

There are always ups and downs and bumps in the road- but when the sunshines in my heart on days like this it outshines any darkness that may be lurking. Life is good.

AND it was a year ago today I met my heart horse – I love him to the depths of my soul.

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