Tag Archives: faith

happiness

Sharing stories

I have made a “mom friend” at ball this season. We bonded right away and the more we have talked the more we have realized that we share much of the same story. The details are different, but the theme of our marriages and subsequent breakups are pretty much the same. In a really unique way we understand what being this type of single mom means. And while that means there’s a lot of shared heartache, there are a lot of familiar funny stories.

Tonight we sat at the ball field and laughed while we shared some of the highlights from over the years. We both commented how nice it is to have someone who just gets the situation we are in. It can be a difficult one to explain to others and it makes it so much more simple to just be able to give the eyeball to each other, a quick nod, and say yep, I get it. 

I really like this woman, making good friends does not happen very often so I’m really grateful for the moments when this opportunity presents itself. That is happiness.

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Scared of snakes

My horse ended up with a little cut on his leg this morning that needed some attention. Part of that included an introduction to the scary hose. I don’t know much at all about his past, but I’m guessing based on how today went that he does not have a lot of experience with hoses. He was not impressed and danced around and snorted and basically acted like the end of the world was coming.

At first I lost my patience and yelled at him, following that up with trying to strong-arm all 1100 lbs of him into doing things my way. As you can imagine that didn’t work so well for me, and only resulted in making him more agitated. I stopped, took a deep breath, and began “an introduction to hoses” course with my guy. We spent a long time letting the hose run near him, over his hooves, and eventually up his leg to where the cut was. It took almost an hour from start to finish, but when we were done he wasn’t afraid, and I wasn’t frustrated.

He is so good at helping me figure out how to resolve issues so I can restore both of us to balance. When I’m in those moments with him I have two choices – I can give up and walk away knowing that I’ll never be able to progress any farther and likely will end up more behind than where I was when I started, or I can figure it out and move ahead. I choose always to figure it out and move ahead. It’s part of my training process with Drishti, and it’s part of my healing process for my life. If I ever quit and give up I will end up having to start again from the beginning, or never getting back on the path again. I can’t have that.

This guy brings me such soul smiling happiness. I am grateful all the time that he has landed in my life.

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Transition and change

I had lunch today with a dear friend of mine – I’ve known her since the beginning of my time and my childhood memories are filled with visions of us tearing things up here at the ranch. We come together as often as we can now to break bread, share laughter, and hold space for each other.

There is something special about these lifelong friends – even more so is the fact that she is family – so we have shared experience, but also were raised with values and share a core understanding of who we are as part of this family. There is little background we ever have to explain to each other when we tell a story. This is a treasure and I am grateful all the time that God blessed me with this tribe.

Later today she texted me a quote that I have been pondering and feel is quite a profound way of describing the changes and transitions I have been going through over the last few years:

Without a transition, a change is just a rearrangement of the furniture. A change might be switching from one brand of detergent to the other. or it could be a shift in daily habits, such as going out to exercise first thing in the morning instead of waiting until the workday is finished. A transition, on the other hand, is more far-reaching. It involves an inner reorientation, a shift of focus that often requires a new understanding of self. A brand-new identity emerges..”

I had been telling her how I felt so strongly that if I walked away from the transition period I am in now I will forever lose all that I have gained. It is so important that I finish this journey to healing – so I can be better and so that the kids will as well. Every step I take they are right along with me – and sometimes they take the step and I follow. But, we MUST complete this journey.

My time today with her was more than happiness. It is pure and true – to the core of my soul happiness – that lasts the test of time.

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A new dress

I wore a new dress today. The last time I wore a new dress was exactly 2 years ago today at my dad’s funeral. Today, instead of the dress being black and tears of sadness being shed, my dress was purple and the tears were of joy.

Our church put on a mother daughter dinner in celebration of the grade 6 girls who are graduating this year. The supper was prepared and served with love and care for these special girls who are loved so dearly by their moms, their families, their communities, their church, and by God. Between each course of the 4 course meal we were given questions to answer and this led to wonderful stories being told about the girls.

I will share one of the questions I was given – it was How do I see God through Jenna. I said that Jenna has this beautiful and open heart, but she also has this intense inner strength. When you need something, if times are tough, and you want someone to have your back – Jenna is just quietly there with her strength, holding you in her space. The combination of this open heart and incredible inner strength gives her such unique character. I adore this girl.

I feel so blessed that we are part of this church community, that the kids have this huge sense of belonging – to their family, to their church, to God. It’s what happiness is.

Jenna, in her new dress, with her friends. 

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Sunshine around the cloud

I have been pretty vocal about my feelings about the support issue that has been going on over the last few months, and because I have shared the bad I also want to share the good. I checked my bank account and two payments were deposited in the last couple of days. They are both less than the normal amount, but money was put in and I can buy groceries for the kids and I again without huge amounts of stress sitting in my gut.

I am so thankful and happy that this seems to have been resolved. I am thankful that Mr. X decided to make the payments and that maybe this will settle some things in all of our lives. It’s a big deal and I’m glad we are in this place where maybe things can calm again and we can get to a better place.

This is huge happiness.

I had happiness this morning as well when I took Drishti out for a ride – actually just schooled circles with him in the field. He’s paranoid of the electric fences and really feeling spunky from all the green grass so we had a “trot until you drop” kind of workout. I almost dropped first, but managed to outlast him.

He teaches me how to be brave. My desire to bond with him and ride beats any fear I have when he’s being a turd – so I keep moving ahead even when I get anxious feelings in my gut. It teaches me to do that in real life too.

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Home run

Tonight the girl hit it into June at her softball game. She made the first home run for the team of the season, got 3 people home (including herself), and with that her team won the game.

To say it was exciting and that she is walking on air would be an understatement. I am so happy for her. She loves this sport, she’s good at it, and now she has her first big run under her belt.

That is happiness. Happiness shared with someone I love.

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Healing balance

Today was a day the feelings decided to show up. I still figure I should see dad walking down the hall in the house, or wandering in the field, or sitting on the deck. I also am starting to understand that it’s real that he’s gone. It’s been two years.

Added to that has been the extra chaos so kindly added by he who shall not be named – that person who seems to want to make sure that finding peace is as difficult as possible. He feels more and more like a distant nightmare, but one that is constantly trying to stir up a storm. Exhausting and I’m done with that.

The balance though is the healing community I have around me – my family, my girlfriends, the healers in my life, the kids, Drishti, and even Dottie when she’s not being naughty.

You get to choose what you put your intention and focus on. I would be crazy not to keep mine on the wonderful gifts I have in my life. It keeps me balanced, and keeps me focused on the fact that there is always hope for things to get better and better. I am incredibly blessed that way.

As I’ve been working at growing my wellness business I have had incredible support from my mom and sister and I’m so grateful for that. One step at a time and I keep walking towards a better life. This family who comes together and lifts each other up – what a gift.

That is happiness.

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Building trust, watching fences, opening doors, dropping walls

Building trust is something I’ve been working on lately. I want to allow myself to trust more willingly again, and I want to be the kind of person who can be trusted  (I think I am already, but I need to have faith in that knowledge). Being able to trust again after the pain and damage of my marriage is a difficult thing, but it’s something I must work towards. It’s like love – you either live with an open heart and feel, which leaves you vulnerable to being hurt, or you close off entirely – saving yourself that heart pain, but living with an empty heart. To live the life I want, I must be able to trust those in inner circle. Drishti is a good learning tool for this exercise.

I finally had a chance to spend some time with my beloved Drishti this morning – life has been busy, or the weather has been cold and rainy and I haven’t been able to ride the much in the last week or so. He’s living with his buddies in an area that is blocked off by electric fence so that they don’t make big pigs of themselves on the green grass. It’s a good thing and usually works well, but my poor boy is terrified of the fence – thanks in part to a little mishap we had a couple of weeks ago.

Today I took him out of his part of the field and brought him over near my place to get him ready to ride. He was very nervous and spooking at everything. At the time I wasn’t totally sure what his problem was and thought maybe the ton of fresh green grass he had been eating, added to me not riding may have just made him a little crazy in the head. But, as I kept working with him, I realized that he was incredibly scared of anywhere that the electric fence had been put up.

I had to coax him and work quietly with him to get him to a part of the field where I could ride. We walked around quietly for quite some time, and eventually I felt all his muscles relax and his great, long neck stretch out. He was trusting me and accepting my guidance, understanding that I was telling him that I would keep him safe. He earned my trust a while ago and I believe (as much as he can being an animal) that he will work to keep me safe, and now I feel like he’s got the same trust in me.

It made my heart warm with joy. It totally changes a relationship when there is complete trust. Either one of us may make a mistake and hurt the other, but I think we both know that we will each do our best to look after each other. In any relationship this makes magic happen. With my horse there are many life and death situations we can get into, but it is equally important in my other relationships that I build or keep this kind of trust. Where we have each other’s back no matter what, but love and forgive, and understand that mistakes may happen.

Our exercise in trust with the fence today made me think of a quote by Rumi that I had read a while ago that came with a photo that I felt explained it brilliantly:

Why struggle to open a door between us when the whole wall is an illusion? ~ Rumi

Drishti for me is what happiness represents. He is saving my life, bringing me back to myself, but helping me become a better version of myself. He is truly a miracle in my life and I am so incredibly grateful for him.

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Old memories, new memories 

Today was absolutely bursting with all kinds of different emotions. Before May 28, 2015; this date was just another day on the calendar. Now it is wrapped up with memories of Dad and the day he died. There was so much intensity those last few days, weeks, months… and then there are all the memories we cherish and carry with us of him and the light he shone in the world. To balance those intense feelings, we attended a huge family celebration for my uncle and aunt in honour of their 60th wedding anniversary. Life keeps on going, and there are always joyful moments and sad moments mixed in with each other.

Mom and I spent some quite time by “dad’s tree” in the garden. The last few days he was home the blossoms seemed to hang right over him, wrapping him and the rest of us up in the change of season. It seemed like a fitting place to sit for a while this morning and spend some quality time with memories of Dad.

Having a family party in the afternoon really brought perfect balance to the day. This tribe that we have – they are so amazing and we are so blessed to be part of such a group of people. The way this large family comes together is quite special an unique and I couldn’t imagine living life any differently – I love knowing that we are part of this huge tribe.

There is always happiness to be found if you remember to look for it. The happiness this afternoon was as clear and as loud as our laughter. The happiness this morning was more subdued, in the form of memories, and gratitude for a man we love so dearly.

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Meaningful moments

This morning I worked on a surprise birthday present for my boy for quite a long time. I can’t reveal exactly what it is yet, but it’s very spiritual for him and he’s been asking for something like it for a while. Through my dear friend and mentor Asrael, I contacted a lady in Invermere who makes exactly what I wanted, and together this morning through the wonders of technology we brainstormed and created, and she is now in the process of putting together the perfect gift. I am so excited. I hope he loves it and cherishes it for years to come. It has a lot of personalized meaning for him, and helps represent a lot of the spiritual growth he’s done over the last couple of years.

It was meaningful. I’ve had a lot of meaningful moments lately that have made me stop and go hmmmmm. I’ve been in quiet contemplation the last few days as we approach the anniversary of my dad’s death. It seems impossible that tomorrow it will be two years since he passed. So much has happened, and yet I still expect to see him lying out in a field taking a photo of a flower with a big grin on his face. I know he’s here with us guiding us along as we all continue to bumble along our paths, figuring out what we are supposed to be doing and who we are. I miss him incredibly, but I know he wants us to be happy and find love and fulfillment.

I spent some time working with a lady who is helping me build a business which hopefully will start to generate some cash. Finding a way to take some of my financial stress away would be a game changer – there still is no indication that Mr. X has any intention of every making any more of the court ordered support payments.

I shared stores and laughs tonight with a dear girlfriend and that reminded me how important it is to have this tribe of people. I’ve lived life without my people around and I don’t ever again want to feel like I’m flying solo through life -either in faith or in person.

All these meaningful moments – they are what adds up to happiness. I am so blessed.

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