happiness

Girl chats

I have a standing coffee date with my soul sister every Wednesday afternoon. We are living parallel lives which is both freaky and very cool at the same time. It’s amazing how long we need to talk since essentially the same things are happening in our lives – yet the time we share is never enough.

I am so grateful to have someone to walk this weird and wild path with. I have a couple of girlfriends actually who are on this same road and I don’t know what I would do without them. I can’t imagine what would have happened to the kids and I had all the stuff gone down the way it did and we were living away from our tribe.

Whenever I get impatient with God because things aren’t healed enough I look around at the amazing people I have in my life and I’m so grateful. That is happiness.

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Practice time 

This evening I took some time and practiced what my friend had shown me yesterday. You could call it either a game of “which one of us is going to be dominant in this relationship” or “which one of us is more stubborn”. I won tonight’s episode. He’s a good guy, and a smart guy, but also a lazy one who doesn’t want to be worked. We will change that. My friend said it’s kind of like working with a teenager and she was spot on. He would rather be in the field eating and hanging with his friends, but when I force him to do something he discovers he kind of likes it.

I have waited what seems like a lifetime for this guy and I’m so grateful he’s in my life. He brings me peace and happiness, he also helps me heal, let go of fear, find strength, and connect with God.

That’s happiness.

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I see God in everything 

I came into today with very mixed emotions – on the one hand it is the 16th birthday of my beloved son, on the other hand Father’s Day has become a rather difficult day in our household.

I have been doing A Course in Miracles and the lesson today was about how I see God in everything. I read it, I remembered it, I prayed about it – then I began my day.

I started by making the boy’s traditional birthday pie for his breakfast. The girl had stayed up late and left a trail of notes for him to read as he made his way downstairs telling him how much he was loved.

I thought how appropriate it was that he was eating pie this morning, not only for his tummy but also because my Dad loved pie and it was a nice way for me to remember him. There was definitely God in everything around me.

 

I dropped the girl at her morning ball game and the boy at church and then headed off to Glenbow Ranch to have a little quiet time in the flowers so I could honour my Dad. Wildflowers were my Dad’s thing and he had taken me to this park the summer before he died so we could look at the flowers.

 

After I walked around a little bit I stopped beside this wood lily which just happens to be my favourite flower of all. I sat on the side of the hill and cried a little bit (thankfully I was alone – the public crying gets to be a little much sometimes). I was looking up the hill for a while – as in the photo above – and then turned my position and looked west. I realized that from where I was sitting I could see the ranch, I could see Moose Mountain, I could see home. It was really comforting to just sit there in the quiet with the flowers around me, holding memories of my dad, and just be thankful for the life I have. I could sit there beside that flower and really, truly see God in everything.

After the girls won their ball game – and it was a very hard earned win – we took the boy out for lunch at Mr. Mikes. Talk about trying to cram everything into one day – I was worried I wouldn’t get to spend much time with him on his birthday because the win meant that the girls were off to at least 2 more ball games in NE Calgary and the boy had to work this evening. But we grabbed the small moment and made the best of it – God in everything. 

The girls played hard this afternoon. It ended up being the same team from the morning and they battled it out for two more games to finally become tournament champions. This was no small feat – these girls were certainly the underdogs at the beginning of the season and they dominated. Jenna is still flying high. God in everything – it was easy to see as the parents cheered and laughed and as the kids played and thrived.

The win was celebrated by a very late supper with the boy at his work. This work has brought out so much in him, it has been a great step into adulthood. God in everything.

 

I gave the boy his present late last night. I had ordered custom made Mala beads a few weeks ago – it was the only thing he had asked me for. Every bead was put on with love and in prayer. It was added to a box that was filled with letters written by the important people in his life – his loved ones, his family – and a HUGE thank you to all of you who wrote the letters. He has been sitting and reading them and smiling with glistening eyes. It is something he will treasure for the rest of his life. God in everything, His hands in the love in those letters that the boy will be able to pull out and read for the rest of his life and always remember that he is loved.


This day may have started with mixed emotions, but it was a day of big happiness, and one that I am incredibly grateful for.

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The trade off 

Today is my unniversary – it hasn’t been a great day for years now but I’m getting better about it.

It used to be a sad day because it was a reminder that I had made a promise to spend life with someone who was hellbent on destroying me. Last year it was a weird day as I had my own end of marriage ceeemony – gratitude I was on this side, sadness I endured for so long.

Today though I realized something. I used to think we were building security for the future. I hoped maybe once he made enough money, or was happy enough in his career, that things would get better. Eventually I began to wonder if this would ever be the case. But, then I was trading happiness in the present for the hope of security in the future.

Now I have happiness in the moment and no security for the future at all.

But these moments… they are awesome. And all we really have is the present moment. I realized this today as I was mowing the lawn, seeing my horse in the field beside me, watching my daughter and niece jump on the trampoline, and knowing that my boy was at a job that he loves.

These present moments of happiness are good ones. Who knows what the future holds, but the present- it holds happiness.

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Refilling the garden

The other day I was gifted a bunch of old fashioned perennials to put into my flower garden and since it finally stopped raining today I was able to plant them. They fit perfectly with my old fashioned house and our happy new(ish) life. This house has brought love and life back to us and I hope we have been able to do the same to it. It’s got such a great energy and vibe – generations of love live here. This is happiness.

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Locker clean out

My boy had his last day of classes today – almost the end of grade 10. I can hardly believe it. It feels like yesterday I was in a panic as to whether to put him in the French or English school in Quebec. And here we are, a whole lifetime later with him in the Catholic system in Alberta after taking a tour of North America.

He’s doing so well and growing into such a great young man. I feel honoured to have been such a big part of his growing process.

He texted me this afternoon asking me to bring garbage bags so he could clean out his locker. When I arrived at school it had a happy energy carried by hundreds of bodies (student and teacher alike) who couldn’t wait for summer vacation to start. This school has been such a blessing for him, we have lived a series of miracles in the last couple of years that’s for sure.

End of year locker clean out – happiness. Happy for him, happy for me. End of making his lunches!

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Meet him where he’s at

As I travel along this happiness journey I am reminded constantly how important it is to be able to go with the flow. In order to find peace, happiness, and love I need to be able to let go of my agenda and go with the flow.

Drishti is a great teacher of this lesson. I often go out to the field with an idea of how I want our ride to go. Drishti always has his own ideas. In order for me to have any enjoyment I need to let go of the strict lines I wanted to follow and meet him where he’s at.

I find this a difficult thing to do in all aspects of my life – meet people where they’re at. I really would prefer that they meet me where I’m at. But, while I feel that it’s important not to be a total pushover – when I am able to meet people where they’re at (or Drishti) things go much better. Just let go, let be, and enjoy what the moment presents.

Things never really work out how I plan them anyway, and when I let go and just let the natural flow take over they almost always turn out so much better.

I had to spend some time in the corral this morning relearning this lesson with my dear horse. Finally I got it and let go of the ride I wanted to have and had the ride I was supposed to have. And it was happiness.

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Walking again 

After what feels like a really long break due to bad weather and hangry bears, the girls and I went out for our evening walk/bike ride/dog walk. June in Alberta, and particularly at the ranch,  is absolutely stunning. I love where I live. And I don’t just say those words, my soul deeply loves being in this spot where our roots are, where my memories live, where my family is. That is happiness.

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Building bonds 

This morning we had a walk in memory of my dad. Actually, it was supposed to be a flower walk in his memory, but the weather was terrible so we ended up doing a walk of a different kind. Not what I had expected, but very good and filling and exactly what it should have been. There were memories of dad, but new ones as well, and different old memories of this town – the weddings and family events that have happened here – and ones of the ranch around it. My kids and my niece and nephew ran around squealing and having fun; my mom, sister and I were together, my aunt told stories of the movie site, friends of my parents listened and asked questions. Life keeps moving on.

This evening we had a community potluck supper which was a bonding moment in itself. This time I was able to visit with a bunch of family who I normally don’t get a chance to chat with. It’s interesting coming from this large extended family – we have so much in common and yet in many ways live completely different lives. A real blessing since coming back home has been getting to know parts of the family that I didn’t really know all that well before.

We are part of a pretty amazing tribe. I think when I was a kid I just assumed everyone had families like mine, the older I get the more I appreciate the roots that have been planted here and where I come from. My immediate family, memories of my dad, my extended family – that is happiness.

 

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Spring band concert 

Tonight the girl got to show off her mad clarinet skills at the school band concert. She missed the Christmas one due to her concussion so this was the first time we got to see her play. She really seemed like she knew what she was doing! It’s amazing how quickly they progress over the year. 

She goes to such a great school – it really has been a godsend and a safe place for her to land over the last couple of years. I couldn’t have imagined a more loving place for her to have had to hold her as she has healed and grown over the last two years. 

Seeing her there in her community, chatting with her principal who not only knows her, but the whole family so well, that is happiness. 

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