Tag Archives: faith

happiness

Keep faith keep focused 

I had my first success coaching call today and my take away from the session was to stay focused on having faith that it’s possible for me to succeed. 

I sometimes still have all those nasty words dancing in my head that I heard for so many years. The problem is even if I only heard them once I relayed them many more times over. I’m learning to change that broken record. 

Things are changing. 

I went out with a girlfriend tonight and we talked about just that (among many other things) – things are changing for both of us. And it’s ok to embrace the new normal, the good, the bad, the happy, the scary – and just be in the moment. 

That is happiness 

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Through the haze 

It’s been super smoky here with all the fires from BC blowing our way. It cleared a bit tonight and I took Drishti and Dottie out for a walk. 

The sun was a brilliant red through the haze – beauty in the smoke. 

We managed to get really close to the heron tonight. As I was trying to take a photo while I was only a few feet away I kept thinking Dad would really like this 


Dad and I used to email back and forth photos of our local herons when I lived in Virginia. It was a way of making me feel close to home, so this heron holds a special place in my heart. 

My bond with my horse is getting stronger all the time. We are trusting each other and relaxing into comfort together finally. He is a true miracle in my life and I’m grateful every minute for him. 

We stood by the heron and had a few minutes of quiet while I thought of dad. It’s sadness but it’s happiness too. 

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Nightmares and daydreams 

My son had to wake me up twice last night because I was having night terrors. Not just regular old nightmares, but sleep paralysis and night terrors (it was just as lovely to experience as it sounds). The after effects of a rather traumatic experience last week. The boy knew exactly what they were and shrugged and said I got those a lot last summer after I saw my dad,  then went back to bed. So that was lovely to hear, and kept me awake for a good chunk of the night.

But, the nightmares don’t last in the daytime and today I made a special effort to be thankful for the good things in my life. The boy and I went to to the farmer’s market and we have enough cherries, berries, and peaches to get good and sick off of (I have no self control when it comes to cherries), we looked at displays, tried curries, and bought Indian food. It was a success.

In the spirit of continuing to de-clutter I worked on my poor, neglected vegetable garden. I’m hoping that in two more days it will look like a loved place once again.

Then I went out for a ride. If I ever need a reminder that God loves me and that he preforms miracles all I have to do is look at Drishti. He is a miracle in my life and he teaches me to love, to trust, and to not be afraid. He also just lets me be happy.

Plus, I am home, I am safe, and this is the view I get while I’m on my horse. There’s a lot to be thankful for, and that makes me happy.

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Opening the heart 

I had what could very well end up being my last session of transformational acupuncture today – he’s moving from the west to the east and who knows when another Calgary stop will happen. 

But each of the 3 or 4 sessions I’ve had with him have really been transformational. It’s amazing how working the energy lines like he does clears up blocks I’ve been dealing with for years. 

Today was letting go of the fear of being hurt and opening the heart. Drishti had brought a lot of these issues that have been simmering to the surface, but of course as I look around in my life I see them present everywhere. 

We had a few (three!) unsettling, scary episodes this last weekend and it helped put things into perspective for me. I waste a lot of time being scared of nothing. When the really big scary stuff happens I stand up and deal with it just fine. So why so scared of potential unknowns? Seriously. 

It was amazing to feel the energy shift as we worked through the session. I felt the chatter that I’ve struggled to quiet in my mind vanish and my body relax in ways it hasn’t in years. 

That is happiness. Deep, hard core happiness. 

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Pretty feet 

My boy got his hooves trimmed today. Despite the fact that he’s been a turd for a while he’s been awesome the last couple of days. He stood nicely for the farrier while he gave him a pedicure. 

The flies were terrible so the guy who is apprenticing with him ended up being Drishti’s personal fly swatter. He was constantly brushing flies away squishing the Mosquitos that were biting him 

I laughed at my high maintenance horse. He means so much to me, he helps me heal, brings me joy, and constantly entertains me. What happiness. 

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Ignore the problem 

Some of you may recall that Drishti has been in bad boy boot camp. Today I went up to Carstairs and watched a pretty amazing cowboy from Guatemala work with young horses. It inspired me to try different tactics with my old horse with a young brain. 

So tonight when I went out to work with him, instead of doing boot camp style and trying to work him out of the problem and overthinking every little step, I just took him out into the big field and rode him. 

Guess what? No freak outs, no spooking, no separation anxiety, just a nice horse to ride. Go figure. 

It’s this trust thing with him. He wasn’t trusting me, I wasn’t trusting him, and worst of all I wasn’t trusting me. I think this will be one of the greatest lessons I learn from him. That I must trust again. 

This was a huge step in my own healing tonight. Walking with my fear but doing it anyway, trusting drishti, trusting myself. It was happiness. 

This is not Drishti, but the man I watched riding this morning. This horse was only started 10 days ago. It’s a gift he has. 

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Saltwater gospel 

Today was one of those perfect summer days. It was hot, and we had time to go to the creek – which is almost all I need for perfection. Add horse to recipe and it’s complete. 

The girls could spend hours at this spot. We are so lucky that this is something we are able to do. I am grateful every day that I was born into this family, here at this spot. It’s just perfect. 

As we were driving through the field towards home, the girls standing in the car, dancing out the sunroof, the song Saltwater Gospel came on. It was the perfect song to take us home. 

As I began being serious about my spiritual journey a few years ago I realized that he God I was seeking I had always known on the back of a horse at the ranch. This was the place I used to go often when I was young with my pony. We spent hours tootling up and down this creek. And in that time I learned to connect to God. I didn’t know what I was doing – but that was it. 

Bringing back those feelings reminds me of peace and love. And that is happiness. Being with the girls as they laugh and scream – more happiness. 

Life is such a blessing. 

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Gaping wounds alongside the steel armor 

I had a conversation with someone last night that triggered off an emotional shitstorm I wasn’t even a little bit prepared for. 

In fact, it threw me into emotions I thought I had long ago dealt with. Pain, hurt, sorrow, and worst of all – inceteible anger with myself for ever having accepted staying in that situation and allowing it to continue. 

I was taking with a healer and friend yesterday about how you heal and deal with something on one level and think it’s done. Then WHAM it hits you on another level out of the blue. It was like that conversation prepared me for the one I had that upset me last night. 

And to be clear, the person I was talking to didn’t say anything wrong, had no intention of hurting me, or has any idea of the affect it had on me. It was completely innocent. 

I was describing it to a girlfriend today, complaining that I couldn’t believe I wasn’t healed yet, and she said:

You have every right to have gaping wounds right alongside your steel armor
That’s it exactly. I’m so strong in so many ways and still have so much healing to do. 

But I talked it out with her and another awesome girlfriend and I think that if I haven’t sorted it all out yet, at least I’ve been able to acknowledge the feelings. That’s happiness 

In a pure and simple happiness moment I got to have a wonderful visit with my cousin who is home visiting. I treasure these moments – sometimes you have to maximize the little moments to fully appreciate them. 

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Bad boy boot camp 

Drishti is being a total turd lately. So much so that he’s been put in bad boy boot camp – and he’s not a fan of this at all. 

It’s interesting this work we are doing – I need to command his respect, and also his trust. So I have to make him listen to me, and also build a relationship with him based on trust and respect. 

It’s a work in progress. Slowly but surely we are making progress. 


He forces me to keep working at it when I get scared or frustrated and want to give up because I want to have this relationship. It helps me find the determination to keep moving forward – a good skill for the rest of my life. 

Timely too as I’m feeling really overwhelmed. This whole financial black hole that Mr. X has thrown at us is exhausting. It’s made me remember that at the end of the day I have to learn to count on myself to look after the kids in every way – and that is overwhelming, scary, and t seems the next necessary step ahead. 

Things keep changing and I’m grateful that I’m getting stronger so I can keep on walking. Drishti helps me figure out the steps – and that is happiness. 

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Grade 10 graduate

The boy wrote his last exam today and is officially on summer vacation. I can’t believe my baby is finished grade 10 – where did all that time go?

He laughed at me this morning and said I’m going to be just like you were in grade 11 mom. I hope you’re ready for that.

Grade 11 was not my finest moment. But I did remind him that I had to work like hell to make up for essentially doing nothing for an entire semester in order to graduate on time.

I am so proud of this kid. He has worked so hard and is such an amazing young man. That is happiness complete.

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