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Emotion soup

I had another one of those *kick you in the gut* moments last night. I felt so blessed and thankful to be at Jacob’s graduation, and for him to have a cheering section of family watching him walk the stage. He’s had that extended cheering section missing from his life for 10 years. I am so proud of him. He’s worked so hard over the past 8 years and it’s sometimes been an overwhelming struggle (for us both). And, here he was graduating from middle school and proudly walking across the stage.

Because it’s a christian charter school, the ceremony involved prayer. At the very end of the ceremony, family came up behind the graduates and laid hands on our loved one as the teachers prayed for them individually. It was so moving and so spiritual, and I was so joyful to be a part of it. And yet…

The last time we laid hands on someone was during Dad’s last communion. The last time we all stood together and held hands in prayer was after he died. Suddenly I had this overwhelming feeling of loss. I was so sad that Dad wasn’t there to see Jacob graduate. He was so proud of him. He loved him so much. He wanted so badly to watch Jacob grow up.

So, I stood behind Jacob bawling my eyes out. Difficult to do with a dress on because there weren’t sleeves to snork into, nothing to wipe my eyes with. So, I just cried. And missed Dad. And praised Jacob for the fine young man he’s turning into.

Gut punch.

Today’s happiness moment: I got stuck behind a little old lady driving the back road into town this afternoon. Driving behind someone slow on a gravel road forces one to drive slow and far behind so as to not eat dust the entire way. Because of this slow drive I noticed that the wild roses are flowering in the ditch. I love those wild roses. This is the best time of the year to be in Alberta.

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A prayer of peace 

Today has been the most emotionally  gut wrenching day of my life.  I have been so grateful for my faith, and for the strong guidance my dad gave me as he lived his faith. 

I don’t even know how to put into words the impact that my dad has had on my life. The integrity with which he lived his life, the love he shared, the light he shone that inspired not only me but the lives of everyone he met. I was so lucky that God gave me the dad He did. 

We shared a very emotional and loving goodbye to my dad today. 

My happiness moment was at the hospice. The kids, my cousin, her husband and kids, my aunt and uncle were sitting with the social worker. The kids took some time to share their favourite memories of Dad. How he took them on flower walks, how he swam in the creek with them, how he played with them, how he loved him. 

I feel so honored to have had him in my life. Although I’m infinitely sad, I’m infinitely grateful to have known him. My faith in something greater, in something better is strengthened because of this. 

I stood outside at the barn today and said a loving prayer to my dad that was sent to me by my pastor in Roanoke 

We entrust you to God who created you. May you return to the one who formed us out of the dust of the earth. Surrounded by angels and triumphant saints, may Christ come to meet you as you go forth from this life. May Christ, the Lord of glory, who was crucified for you, bring you freedom and peace. May Christ, the High Priest, who has forgiven all you sins, keep you among his people. May Christ, the Son of God, who died for you, show you the glories of his eternal kingdom. May Christ, the Good Shepherd, enfold you with his tender care. May you see your redeemer face to face and enjoy the sight of God forever. Amen. 

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Communion with family 

Today we were blessed with the gift of having the Eucharist brought out for us to share as a family. The minister, the temporary minister , and a very dear old friend of the family came out to share this spiritual ceremony with us. 

We were joined by my uncle, aunt, cousin (the recently-bucked-off-cousin), and his wife

It was incredibly spiritual and loving to be able to share this with a few of our tribe. There were special blessings and prayers for dad, there were also prayers said for the rest of the family. At the end I felt very strongly that we were held in the nest of love. 

I wasn’t sure how I was going to react, but since I hadn’t had my morning cry in the car, I  bawled my eyes out the entire time. Which is part of the new me who surrenders. 

Dad has always been a very strong guiding force on my spiritual journey. But he has been a much stronger guidance these last few years as we both have been actively seeking peace, spiritual fulfillment, and a stronger understanding of who we are and what our role in the world is. We have gone for countless walks together around the ranch – across the neighbor’s ridge – and shared our journeys with each other. His strong faith and his sharing his faith as he seeks his path have helped to shape me as I’m finding my path.

I consider it an incredible honour to have been able to participate in this ceremony that gives him guidance and love as he continues on his journey. 

My happiness moment was a walk with my sister this afternoon. We laughed, we cried, we shared memories of childhood. We appreciated our dad and how much he has given and continues to give to us. The strength and the kindness he has shown. The silent but constant and unconditional support he has shown as he stands firmly in our corner. 

We stopped and just appreciated the beauty of home   

 

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Surrender

  
I come from a long line of extremely stubborn and willful people so to say that I don’t surrender easily (or at all) into things is putting it mildly. 

Since having yoga and mediation and Ayurveda introduced into my life I have been actively seeking the way to surrender. It hasn’t been successful. 

This is likely because I’ve been trying to force myself to surrender. Stubbornly and willfully. With no success. 

I always imagined how my true surrender would go. It would be like Disney meets Kripalu. I would be sitting serenely in a field with butterflies flitting about, deer skipping by, and flowers dancing a merry rainbow of peace and serenity. I would be radiating bliss from my inner core as I sat in peaceful meditation. 

No matter how many times I tried to force this peaceful surrender it never happened. 

Today for the first time I felt myself – my whole self, body mind and spirit – surrender. 

Here’s what it looked like: me lying on the ground yelling no, no, no, no, no, no,no f*ck, f*ck (a few more hundred of those)…. FINE. Then I lay there and cried. And I’m not a pretty crier. It was heaping, drooling, snotty sobs of tears. 

Then I got up, dusted myself off, and continued to cry for the next 12 hours. Actually, since I’m still crying now it will be much longer I’m sure.

But, somewhere in that heaping, ugly mess came surrender. I felt it happen. I just gave it all up. 

Once I got to the point where I was beyond trying to force myself into a place that was not authentic for me it just happened. Right now in this moment in time, surrender for me is curled up in the fetal position crying my eyes out. And that’s ok. Because it’s real. 

Surrender meant acknowledging what is happening, having my authentic response to it and being ok with it. Knowing that what happens is beyond my control. That it’s not my job to reach for a specific outcome. Right now it’s my job to surrender, to cry, to feel, to relax and let be. 

Happiness moment today was sitting with dad in a sunbeam while giving him a big hug. Yes, I cried for most of it. But whatever. It was still a moment of true love and that means happiness. 

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The tribe

  
The thing I’m noticing about being in this current state of crisis is the overwhelming feeling like we are the only people in the entire world this is happening to (we are not). 

It’s a tempting way of thinking though. However, no matter how important I am in the story of my own life, there are so many other life stories unfolding that are just as important.  

But I’m the only one. 

Having a crisis gives me options. I can isolate into that bubble of feeling that this is a unique situation and live and breathe the crisis (tempting and inevitable sometimes). Or, I can look around and see what this situation is bringing me. 

Looking around has made me discover an inner strength that is deeper than I knew. I have discovered I have a much stronger and profound faith system than I was aware of. I have a lot more confidence in me than I thought. 

It has made me more aware of my tribe. 

I have always known my immediate tribe is made of intensely strong and brave people, but I have a new appreciation for just how strong, brave, spiritual, and lovingly kind they are. I have a new respect for how that tribe sticks together and cares for each other – leaving no one behind. No. Matter. What. 

I have discovered there is also this new crisis tribe. The people I meet in the elevators at the hospital who are there in their own crisis. The family members I meet in the waiting rooms in their own kinds of crisis. The kindness and compassion that radiates in these rooms is absolutely amazing. Finally, the people who have dedicated their lives to helping those in the crisis. The helping hand they stick out is invaluable. 

Watching these other people has made me really understand and appreciate the importance of the tribe. Most people have someone with them. Some of these people you can tell have someone who loves them immensely with them   Some of those people have a few someones who love them immensely with them. 

Some of them have no tribe at all. Nobody should have to face a crisis with no tribe at all. Thank goodness for the extended crisis tribe.  

A few have negative tribe.  Like the prisoner I watched walk shackled and escorted by two armed guards to his treatment. Whatever he did, it must be terrible to not have a caring tribe. 

Having someone try and push you down when you need a hand up. Negative tribe 

I am so thankful for my tribe   It’s big. There are members close by and there are members scattered. And I’m thankful for all of them. 

Happiness moment today was sending Jacob off for his first school camp. He was both nervous and excited. I hope he has laughter memories he remembers forever. 

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How does your garden grow?

 
Spring! It’s a happiness time. New life, new growth, new hope. 

This spring there are lots of emotions going on here, but there is always a reminder that things carry on. That new life is always flying in on the wings of old. 

We all come from somewhere and to some extent carry along parts of our past with us. Nurture or nature, we all carry our ancestors with us in some way. 

I love seeing all the common family traits. Some of them learned by watching behaviours and some of them passed on through genes. 

Just like those seeds we are planting in our garden, all our new life here is sprouting hope and happiness and promise. 

My happiness moment today came buying the flowers pictured above. It carried on into this evening when I looked out my window and saw my brother in law digging the garden. 

That is hard work. 

 
Tomorrow for the first time in 10 years I will plant a vegetable garden. Beside the barn my grandpa built. Using potatoes my great grandpa brought over from Ireland. With my Mom, my Dad, my kids, my sister and brother in law, my niece, and my nephew. 

All those generations joining together to plant new life and new hope. To watch what was started carry on. Together. Surrounded by love. 

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Divine order in chaos

 
This quote from Louise Hay popped up on my newsfeed and I have to say it perfectly describes my life right now. Probably always, but absolutely right now in this moment. 

The past few months I have felt guidance from some power bigger than I in ways I have never experienced. Things have fallen into my life in ways I would never have expected and it’s all happened with ease and grace. All of this during a time that is challenging and emotional and…..

Yet there is this guidance, this comfort.  This presence that I can truly feel that is walking along with me.  A physical manifestation of this loving guidance comes in the form of my beloved dog Kayla who has been gone for 8 years now. During times of uncertainty in my life I see her out of the corner of my eye. She has been many places guiding me and I see her often lately here walking around. It sounds crazy, but it’s true. I feel her around me. 

But this Divine Guidance of course comes from a bigger power. The Source, God, the Universe, whatever you want to call it. Something big is helping to guide my life right now and it’s so important that I stay out of my own way. 

My life is in order at a very deep, peaceful level. 


Happiness monent: Jenna was invited to a birthday party today by a girl at her school. It warms my heart the way both kids have settled into this school. But the fact that she has a friend who invited her to this party was huge. She has been so excited all week. 

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Don’t worry, it’s only anxiety 

The other night I was sitting in urgent care dealing with things I know absolutely nothing about. But since we were there for hours and there’s really no privacy with just those curtains I had ample opportunity to listen in on the complaints of the woman in the bed next to us. 

As soon as I heard her listing her symptoms I thought I know what her issue is. She was in convinced she was having a heart attack or something similar. Chest pain, dizziness, shaking, feeling off, difficulty focusing mentally. As she was listing these symptoms I remembered a time where I too sat alone in urgent care convinced I was dying. 

It’s a terrible feeling. 

Panic attack. 

The nurse gave her some ideas of how to deal. Cut back to one cup of coffee or tea a day. Herbal tea is fine. She asked about green tea and was told that was fine too. That was when I wanted to leap through the curtain and talk to her. Because green tea is not herbal and that caffeine is enough to trigger more anxiety.  She finished with and lose 5-10 pounds   That will help with your high blood pressure. Which, while that may be true isn’t what you need to hear while in the middle of a panic attack. 

When I started studying Ayurveda I was one hot mess of anxiety. It wasn’t pretty and I was barely able to function. Over the past couple of years I have turned into a better version of myself (Melissa 2.0) and have been able to handle things I never thought possible. 

Here’s what I would like to have said to that poor lady. 

Sleep. Make sure you’re getting a good night’s sleep. Even if it means giving up doing other things you like to do. Get to bed by 9. Be asleep by 10. Sleep until at least 6    It’s when your body heals and restores itself. Honour this time. 

Nap. Napping isn’t generally recommended in Ayurveda, but there are certain circumstances when it is encouraged. When I was in the worst of my anxiety I was so run down I had no reserves left. I used to have a cup of tea every afternoon when I would crash. I switched that for a 20-30 minute nap during my healing phase. It was a game changer. 

Caffeine.  Give it up. Seriously. After a while you won’t miss it (as much). I really noticed how it triggered my anxiety. While you’re at it give up booze. It tricks you into feeling like it relaxes you when really it causes more anxiety. 

Get out in nature. My daily walks along the river in Roanoke literally saved my life. It was a peaceful, quiet time with no distractions. I went electronic free and just relaxed into enjoying the water, the birds, and my dog. 

Be picky about what you put in your brain   I used to love watching Law and Order and other crime shows. About 4 years ago I started being much more careful about the types of shows I watched and the types of books I read. While in anxious mode it was much, much better to be putting happy thoughts into my head. Hence my current obsession with The Golden Girls. 

Clear the toxic people out of your life. I know, easier said than done. But sometimes there are people who seem to feed off your anxiety. Who seem to feel a stronger sense of power when you are anxious and insecure. There are people who are carrying so much of their own baggage they are happy to dump their negativity on you. People with no boundaries who would rather bring you down than lift you up. Be a good friend, surround yourself with good friends. 

Find your bliss. Easy right? Maybe for some people. I’m 44 and still wonder what I’ll be when I grow up. But a few years ago I read a book by Steven Cope (from Kriplau) called The Great Work Of Your Life   It started me on the path of actively finding my bliss. I find it in my Ayurvedic studies, in my yoga, in my writing, in my time with my kids. It hasn’t made me a millionaire yet, but I’m sure a lot happier following my heart. 

Listen to your intuition. How many times in life I’ve done things that go against what I believe is right to try and make someone else happy. In the end, without fail, it not only makes me miserable – but the person I’m trying to please is never satisfied either. 

Breathe. Seriously. Just stop and breathe. But the best method I’ve found for an instant anxiety cure is alternate nostril breathing. Use your thumb and ring finger to cover each nostril. Release the thumb, breathe in, cover nostril again. Release the ring finger, breathe out. Breathe in on the same side, cover nostril. Keep alternating. Do it for a few minutes or until you feel calmer. I’ve done it for a good 20 minutes before. It’s very relaxing. 

Have faith that you are worth it. My pastor continuously says you are a loved child of God. No matter what your beliefs understand that you have value and you are ok just the way you are. 

Happiness moment of the day: hiding in the corner of the grocery store with the kids pretending to look at cake and giggling while downloading and updating our mobile devices. This is what happens when you finish shopping before updating. Life without wifi makes one resourceful.

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The kindness of strangers (and a friend)

In the last couple of days I have found myself in the position where I needed help. Lots of help. With big changing stuff. Fortunately I didn’t even have time to stress about how the help would come or how everything would fall into place. 

In the last couple of days I have found myself in the position where I needed help. Lots of help. With big changing stuff. Fortunately I didn’t even have time to stress about how the help would come or how everything would fall into place. 

I have an awesome family who provides the strongest of support systems, but they were 2,000 miles away and I was in need of some hands on assistance. 

And the most amazing thing happened. I had a complete stranger enter onto my life and just take over the details of most of the things I needed sorted out. She brought other people who facilitated what needed to be done. And it just all worked out

When I realized that I needed more help, my dear friend arrived at my door – without me asking – and just took the reins. 

If ever I ever had any doubt that God always provides when you ask I have had proof in the last two days. This feeling of deep gratitude to these people who stepped in when they were so needed is my moment of happiness for the day. 

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Just flicker that light at the end of the tunnel will you?

I was talking with a friend this afternoon who is also thinking of selling her house. They’ve had a bunch of false starts over the past year about getting the house ready, having possible jobs fall through, having people want to buy the house and then back out… we can totally relate to each other’s unrest and uncertainty. We were chatting about it today and I said “I’m trying, I know it will work out, I’m strong on faith, just low on patience”. We laughed because – aren’t we all?

She said “It would be nice if God would just turn on the light at the end of the tunnel once in a while so we could see where we are going.”

I totally agreed. It does not even have to turn on and stay on, just one of those quick flickers so you can look around and get your bearings and know that everything’s going to be ok. Because it will be. One way or another.

It’s just the having patience part that is difficult.

Jacob got up early this morning and came and flopped on my bed while I sat in my chair drinking my tea and playing fetch with Ella. I told him that it didn’t seem all that long ago I could just pick him up and throw him down on the bed. My little-baby-who-is-now-a-man-with-deep-voice. I told him about how I’d throw him and then tickle him, until one day I threw him and then fell on top of him because I wasn’t strong enough to throw anymore.

He came and lay beside me in my chair, all stretched out looking so comfortable. I looked down at him and with fingers twitching said “Whey you were little Jacob I used to move my hands just like this and then come down and tickle you!!!” Which I then did. And he curled up in a little ball just like he used to when he was little Jacob and giggled and squirmed and didn’t want me to stop, just like little Jacob used to. It did my heart good to have that morning moment with my little boy, and he came to me later this afternoon and said “that was really fun with you this morning mom, it made me feel like a little kid again. We need to do that more often.”

My moment of happiness.

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