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happiness

Seeking peace

I am sitting in a sunbeam watching my boy play soccer – this is a new sport for him this year – contemplating my life.

When I started this happiness blog over 3 years ago, I was so completely unhappy. I was living in an unsafe marriage, scared for myself and my kids, thousands of miles from home, with no idea what was coming next.

Now the only part of my life that is the same is I don’t have any idea what is coming next.

I have however realized I have refined my search for happiness quite significantly.

I started by looking for happiness from the outside. I’d see Henry the Heron on a walk, the kids would say something funny, I’d visit with a friend, and I’d say that makes me happy. And that would be my happiness moment.

With the deaths of both my parents and a brutal divorce in these last three years, my concept of happiness has changed. I started to go inward and really began to understand happiness comes from within.

Since mom died and for the first time in years I’m not in crisis and trauma, I’ve realized I’m no longer seeking happiness as I first understood it.

Now I’m seeking peace.

Instead of fleeting moments of happiness here and there, I crave a life that is grounded in love, peace, bliss, and faith.

Seeking peace right now means I have to close the parts of my life that cause chaos. It means I have to embrace love no matter how scary that can be. I have to find forgiveness no matter how much I resist it.

The study of Ho’oponopono is helping me surrender and allow more peace into my life. Simple words, powerful results.

Namaste 🙏🏻

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Ball and treats

The girl had ball practice tonight. This is her thing, just like how horses make my soul shine. I love watching her in her element.

Then we came home and she is mass producing Rice Krispie squares. She loves to cook and it’s something she hasn’t done often enough.

By slowing down we are reconnecting with what is important. It’s less about learning how to go 0-60 and more about learning how to settle to 0 from 60.

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Little words of kindness

I had the most lovely email today from my aunt. I always appreciate the words of love and support, even more lately when I feel like I’m overwhelmed by life so often. She ended her email by saying that I was doing a great job with my kids and that my (other) uncle and aunt keep bragging about them.

I felt my heart warm with the words, and then I went and read them to my son. He too has been kind of blue lately and it was amazing to see how these words changed his mood. Several times during the day he mentioned how thrilled he was that his aunts and uncles are saying great things about him. He even said it means more coming from other people in the family – you’re always telling me how wonderful I am, but let’s face it – you’ve got mom goggles. These people must really mean it.

It made me remember how important it is to pass on little words of kindness. I sure appreciated my aunt sending me that love – it brightened my whole day.

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Bear in the mountains

We took Bear up to the mountains today. I’ve waited for years to have a dog I can take places – this guy is so chill and happy it’s awesome.

It was a perfect sunny afternoon. As we were walking I realized this was the happiest I’ve been for a long time. For a couple of hours there was no stress, everyone was getting along, and we had the happiest dog in the world. This is what I’m working towards as our normal state of being.

Bear scared of a bear statue.

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Planning and potluck

Our 4H club had a potluck supper/planning meeting tonight for 4H on parade. The more I get involved 4H the more I like it – and our club is a real community which makes it so much better.

After an emotional couple of days of sorting out mom and dads things it was really nice and really needed to have an evening where people were laughing and just being normal. I really needed that balance. I say it all the time – but thank God for my tribe. I don’t know what I’d do without them.

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Closets and puddles

Today was full of emotions – I’m exhausted. My sister and I worked at cleaning out some of mom’s closets which was so emotionally draining. Neither of us really have accepted that we lost both of our parents in less than three years. We had a couple of I’m not old enough to be an orphan moments. It’s just hard and really emotional to pack up their things and say goodbye again.

But I also know that they want us to live, be happy, love, enjoy life, and bring all of that to the house. So we will keep moving ahead, sharing memories, reminding our kids of who their grandparents were, and passing forward their legacy of love

We took a much needed break this afternoon and the kids splashed in the giant puddles that have shown up here as the snow melts. My sister and I played in those puddles, as did our cousins, aunts and uncles, and many other relatives. It helps to remind us we are part of a larger tribe – we aren’t alone – and that happiness needs to be found and celebrated.

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Choosing the path to happiness

I was thinking this morning how I’m between two paths right now. I can turn right and be on the path of fear, destruction, and hate that Mr. X is on, or I can turn left and take the path with love, peace, friendship, and happiness.

I’ve been working on the left path for some time now, but sometimes Mr X yells and I get distracted by the path of darkness.

Somehow I have to balance the two. Based on discussions and recent events it seems I’ll have to take him back to court again for support issues. It is getting old and it’s frustrating, but my kids deserve to have me fight for them. It’s really difficult for them to see how he is choosing to be

But more than that I want us to be happy and at peace. So I need to walk in the path of light. And I need to bring the kids with me on that path. They need to know that they can choose happiness even when they have been badly hurt.

It hasn’t been easy. It took years before I could even see that there was a path of happiness available for me, everything was so dark for so long.

Somehow I will learn how to not only walk in the light, but to bring light to the darkness. Once I can do that the darkness will be gone.

When I picked up the boy from school today he told me his friends have commented to him that I always look so chill and happy when I pull into the parking lot after school to get him. Made my whole day. I often feel seeing out and like I have no idea what I’m doing. But I’m glad that’s the vibe I give off!

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And now there’s Bear

I seem to have developed a rather odd coping skill for mourning those people I have loved and lost. I adopt pets.

Today marks three months since mom died. And apparently I dealt with that by adopting a dog. We named him Bear and he’s a cuddly, fluffy, gentle, huge bear of a guy.

Our Dotted Dog loves him, the kids are over the moon about him, the cats tolerate his existence. Bear thinks he’s died and gone to heaven.

We need some happiness infused in our lives, it’s been a rough few years. All of us are animal people and they bring a kind of peaceful joy.

He is happiness

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Feed your relationship

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about relationships – the ones I have, the ones I want, the ones I dream about. A few years ago I did a kind of friend cleansing and with the exception of one (there’s always one) I got rid of my toxic or dysfunctional friendships. I work with intent now to build my tribe with people who will hold me up instead of bringing me down.

If you think of a relationship like a plant, then in order for it to grow the roots need to be well tended. Think of roots as things like: reliability, compassion, respect, trust, dependability, kindness, love, honour. If too many of those are neglected or disrespected the relationship plant dies. And because the plant is alive, there is pain that is felt as the roots are being damaged.

However if you look after the plant, nourish, and cherish it – it can grow and thrive. Every positive vibration that is sent out into the world has the ability to create more joy and love – and that is what it’s all about.

Love the people in your world, but make sure you’re really caring for them, for your relationships with them. They take work and time – but they are why we are here.

Mom used to tell me how when she was in the hospital with polio, my grandma worked hard to get to know the nurses and doctors who looked after her. Mom said that it was a win for everyone. The created genuine relationships, and because of that mom was well looked after – the staff cared about her. This was a lesson my parents taught me – they always built relationships with everyone, the plumber, the water guy, the dentist, my teachers (I hated that), the list goes on.

Today I had to go get my taxes done. This is always a source of stress for me. Math makes my head want to blow up, and the support non-payment issue is confusing to me. My tax man is awesome!! I found him at H&R Block two years ago and he’s done m taxes ever since. He could see pretty clearly what my situation was as soon as he opened my file – and he has always been so helpful about explaining how things work and what I need to do.

Today when I sat down he remembered me from last year and we caught up a little bit. That man made my life so much easier and I’m glad I also started building a relationship with him when we started working together.

We can get so impersonal sometimes, and I’m as bad as anyone for avoiding too much peopling – but we really need each other.

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