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happiness

The ring

My mom had a ring that I constantly saw on her finger. I remember as a kid noticing this ring that I thought was beautiful on her right hand – so I knew it was different from the wedding rings she also wore always (both of my parents never took their rings off for the entirety of their marriage, and this ring also didn’t come off until she died). But this ring was different.

One time she told me the story behind the ring. When she first started working, she saw this ring in a store and decided it was beautiful and that she needed to have it. She saved her pay check from that job and then went into the store and bought it for herself. She wore it constantly as a reminder that she could do anything she set her mind to.

Those of you who knew my mom know that she did in fact do anything she set her mind to and constantly defied the odds. She was fortunate that she had my dad standing firmly in her corner, loving and supporting her- but she achieved what she did because of sheer strength, willpower, and determination.

After she had polio they told her she wouldn’t walk, so she walked.

On her crutches, with no stomach, back, or right leg muscles thanks to polio, she went to high school by herself in Florida, then to Stanford (including a semester in France), she went to law school, she gave birth twice. I mean it goes on.

And she said when she needed a boost, a reminder that she could do it, she looked at that ring and found the strength to keep going.

I now have that ring. And it comes to me at at time when I need to remember my strength, and when I need to believe in my ability to defy the odds and realize my own dreams.

It’s weird clearing out their house. It’s weird they aren’t here anymore. But it’s apparent that they left us a huge legacy of love. We always felt safe and loved in that house. That’s what home is supposed to be – your safe place. Thank God for home.

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Back in the groove

It was so nice to have some time last week to spend with my girl – and especially to be in Victoria and have some spring like weather – and the boy had a great time in Iceland, but it’s really good to have us all back together and getting back to real life.

I am thankful that even though I get too stressed out, and I still have issues I am working on with forgiveness and grief and all the other emotions, we have a really good life here. I mean really good. We are so blessed to live where we do and be surrounded by this family, our tribe.

I was telling a friend today about how lonely the away years were when it was usually just the three of us, trying to make friends and create a home, but we were missing our family and our home. It’s weird now that I had just accepted that was how life was going to be, and I’m so grateful that life now is surrounded by friends and family again.

Their spring sports are starting up, eventually the ice will go away and I’ll get more Drishti time, the sun is staying up later, it is time for regrowth and new life.

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Yoga and Yoda

We enjoyed a quiet Sunday – the family back together – on the last day of spring break that feels more like winter vacation. I can’t believe how much snow we have here.

I decided to get back to yoga. I’ve been working at relaxing my mind, but I need yoga to relax my body. And I haven’t been faithful about my yoga practice for a few years now. I think it’s the missing piece to healing my shoulder completely and to getting my strength back

My friend sent me this YouTube video

It has kept me in stitches all afternoon. Yoga and Yoda, complete relaxation. Family back together, complete happiness.

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Easter break

We are heading into our Easter break. It’s kind of bittersweet- I love Easter – I love the meaning of hope and new life and the promise from God it reminds us of. I also love my childhood memories of Easter. We always went to Vancouver Island when I was a kid and celebrated with the flowers, the ocean, and the cathedral. The kids and I were so lucky to have spent Easter there last year.

It’s kind of weird going into Easter this year without mom and dad. But life goes on, there is always the promise of new hope. We are in a season of change and I need to embrace it not resist it. New and wonderful things are trying to grow and it’s important I tend to my soul garden.

I think it’s important to hold onto some of those good memories, but it’s time to let go of the ones that hold me back. They can serve as the fertilizer for the new chapter of my life. I’m looking forward to it

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Feeding my soul

I’ve been really stressed out and run down lately. It’s due in part to the things I need to sort out for mom’s estate – there are lots of things that the government needs because of the extra care she was getting. I’m so grateful for all that care – it allowed her to spend more time at home, and gave her a lot of comfort and peace – so the work is totally worth it. It is just sad work, I’m not really accepting well the fact that both mom and dad are gone. I think it’s just a lot to absorb, and so much has happened the last 3 years.

Added to that is the chore of getting my things ready for taxes. It is emotionally draining as I’ve had to go back and pay my lawyer again to show the thousands of dollars that I have spent in attempts to have Mr. X follow the court order for support. He is now almost $40,000 behind in payments and to say that has had a huge impact on our lives is no joke. It’s hard on me, it’s hard on the kids – it’s exhausting.

I have realized that I’ve been so stressed out that I haven’t been looking after my soul properly lately. I need my Drishti, I need the peace he brings me, I need to be spending more time with him. He is a big part of what feeds my soul and recharges me so that I have the strength to carry on. I can’t make Mr. X follow the court order or be a decent human, I can’t bring my parents back – but I can go riding and free my soul even for a little while.

I really can only be responsible for my own happiness, my own freedom, and my own life choices. I need to be making ones that are good for my soul, for my family, for my heart.

Thank God for this horse.

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Old friends, good times

I had a visit with a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. We both lived crazy, unexpected lives in those years, but at the core of it all we are the same people. I love getting together with someone after ages and it takes no time at all to get back to the same comfort as the friendship of the past.

We know where each other’s bodies are buried – we have to stay friends.

Our teen years and early 20s were spent together riding our horses and getting into trouble. So now we talk about horses and how we used to get into trouble. But mostly horses and our kids and our dreams for how our lives are now. We both are pretty grateful for the lives we have and that makes catching up so much easier.

I am so thankful I have made such great friends in my lifetime. My relationships are the most important thing in my life and it’s awesome that I am surrounded by such good people. It’s soul happiness.

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We are those guys

Yesterday when we were walking around Banff we kept getting behind the funniest two guys who were having the strangest conversations. The first time I heard well, I was doing fine until I sat on me ass for a year eating nothing but shit food, that made me fat and miserable. Later we ended up behind them again and I heard  well, I have to argue with you – you always think you’re right about everything and I have to prove you’re not. Lastly the boy heard them arguing over whether a giraffe or koala was the better animal. They were so funny I couldn’t keep a straight face.

Tonight after the girl had ball we went out for milkshakes and we were having one of our usual insane conversations. We noticed the people in the booth behind us snickering and poking at each other and listening to our conversation.

The boy looked at me and started to laugh and said we are those guys from yesterday – thats us today having this conversation. 

I am so grateful for the relationship I have with my kids. It’s a lot of work for all of us to be this close and work together, but I don’t know how we would do it any other way.

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Think Gingerbread Houses

The kids and I took a much needed mental health day in the mountains – it’s a place that grounds us all and life has been so emotional lately we really needed a mountain hug.

My lesson from A Course In Miracles today was to look for happiness wherever I went. Today was the perfect day for that lesson as we seemed focused on finding the light.

We wandered around Banff for a while this afternoon and finally sat down for my first ever Beavertail. I’m not sure I need a second one, but at least now I can say I’ve had one. As we were waiting the kids started each playing solitaire on their phones. The boy allowed me to watch him and for a few seconds I did just that – watch. It wasn’t long though before I was giving suggestions, then pointing, then telling him where to line up his cards.

The girl looked over at me, wiggled her eyebrows, and said think Gingerbread Houses, Mom. Oh. Crap. See, when we do gingerbread houses I have to buy an extra one for myself because I have this tendency to totally interfere with their creations. I can’t help it. I don’t even make good gingerbread houses (think drunk toddler art), but I just can’t stop myself.

So I pulled out my own phone and started my own game of Solitaire. I guess it’s all in the name – a game for one person.

We went to a Wrinkle In Time tonight. I loved the book and it was fun to experience the movie. As with all of these types of movies the kids had to process their feelings of their missing father on the ride home – but they seem to be making peace with that in their own ways finally. The movie actually was a good reminder of how important it is to focus on the light instead of the darkness.

There is a lot of light out there, we need to let ours shine too.

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Talk about it

The girl and I had an explosive moment this afternoon after school. I had decided to venture into her bedroom earlier to grab some laundry. Well that was a scarring experience to say the least.

How we handled it was interesting – I was upset but trying not to freak out too much and so was she (both for different reasons). But we quickly moved to a place where we both expressed how we felt about the disaster that was her room. And she came home and spent the evening cleaning it – no complaints. It was incredibly mature of her and I was so proud. I’ve got some awesome kids.

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Helping Hands

Last fall we were gifted the time of the administrative assistant at the ranch to help us sort out some of mom’s paperwork and files. I don’t know what I would have done without this guardian angel. She has everything so well organized and when I go over there to sort things to send in to the government (I have an audit due) she knows exactly what I need to do and has things sorted out for me.

At the best of times this kind of paperwork makes me hear white noise and makes me want to curl up in a ball, but it’s so emotional being mom’s things and I just can’t make my brain do what it needs to. So this amazing lady guides me and sorts me out and files things in the right place.

Sometimes we feel like we need to do everything ourselves – to prove our independence, our strength, our intelligence – but let me tell you: we need each other. We weren’t made to function all alone, we need to rely on and support each other. We all have gifts that help ourselves and other people out – they need to be shared.

I am so grateful for my tribe, for this woman, for where we live. It’s a God gift.

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