Our 4H club had a potluck supper/planning meeting tonight for 4H on parade. The more I get involved 4H the more I like it – and our club is a real community which makes it so much better.
After an emotional couple of days of sorting out mom and dads things it was really nice and really needed to have an evening where people were laughing and just being normal. I really needed that balance. I say it all the time – but thank God for my tribe. I don’t know what I’d do without them.
Today was full of emotions – I’m exhausted. My sister and I worked at cleaning out some of mom’s closets which was so emotionally draining. Neither of us really have accepted that we lost both of our parents in less than three years. We had a couple of I’m not old enough to be an orphan moments. It’s just hard and really emotional to pack up their things and say goodbye again.
But I also know that they want us to live, be happy, love, enjoy life, and bring all of that to the house. So we will keep moving ahead, sharing memories, reminding our kids of who their grandparents were, and passing forward their legacy of love
We took a much needed break this afternoon and the kids splashed in the giant puddles that have shown up here as the snow melts. My sister and I played in those puddles, as did our cousins, aunts and uncles, and many other relatives. It helps to remind us we are part of a larger tribe – we aren’t alone – and that happiness needs to be found and celebrated.
The boy and I got reacquainted with the Will Smith tonight and watched some good old 90s tv. My favourite is when Carlton dances, but all these old shows are fun to watch. We’ve got some busy weeks ahead with work and activities and life in general – it’s nice to be able to stop and enjoy the slow moments too.
I was thinking this morning how I’m between two paths right now. I can turn right and be on the path of fear, destruction, and hate that Mr. X is on, or I can turn left and take the path with love, peace, friendship, and happiness.
I’ve been working on the left path for some time now, but sometimes Mr X yells and I get distracted by the path of darkness.
Somehow I have to balance the two. Based on discussions and recent events it seems I’ll have to take him back to court again for support issues. It is getting old and it’s frustrating, but my kids deserve to have me fight for them. It’s really difficult for them to see how he is choosing to be
But more than that I want us to be happy and at peace. So I need to walk in the path of light. And I need to bring the kids with me on that path. They need to know that they can choose happiness even when they have been badly hurt.
It hasn’t been easy. It took years before I could even see that there was a path of happiness available for me, everything was so dark for so long.
Somehow I will learn how to not only walk in the light, but to bring light to the darkness. Once I can do that the darkness will be gone.
When I picked up the boy from school today he told me his friends have commented to him that I always look so chill and happy when I pull into the parking lot after school to get him. Made my whole day. I often feel seeing out and like I have no idea what I’m doing. But I’m glad that’s the vibe I give off!
I seem to have developed a rather odd coping skill for mourning those people I have loved and lost. I adopt pets.
Today marks three months since mom died. And apparently I dealt with that by adopting a dog. We named him Bear and he’s a cuddly, fluffy, gentle, huge bear of a guy.
Our Dotted Dog loves him, the kids are over the moon about him, the cats tolerate his existence. Bear thinks he’s died and gone to heaven.
We need some happiness infused in our lives, it’s been a rough few years. All of us are animal people and they bring a kind of peaceful joy.
He is happiness
The boy and I both found ourselves up much too early, sitting on the couch, drinking our tea and coffee.
Somehow we ended up in a conversation about the meaning of Jesus (as one usually does with their teenage boy at 6:30 am).
I said to him that my Ayurvedic practitioner Asrael had explained Jesus to me in a way that had made so much sense.
She said sometimes as humans we get overwhelmed by God. Our humanness stops us from praying or talking to him in the way we need to. This is where Jesus comes in. He is like our human/spiritual liaison and it often is easier to approach Him in prayer. Because he is human like us our brains can better understand the concept of Jesus. But because he is also of God, he is our tangible connection to Source. He is a reminder that we are all children of God.
I told the boy that until I had heard her explain Jesus like this I had never really understood the point of Jesus. And I’ve been going to church my whole life.
He agreed with me that suddenly the concept of Jesus made a lot more sense. This kid has a strong spiritual connection. I love it.
The boy and I had a really weird encounter downtown today. I’m not sure if downtown is always so colorful, but it made me glad I live in the country.
This man in his late 20s and seemingly high on something came up to my boy while we were walking and started trying to intimidate him and was trying to egg him into a fight. He got right up in his face and was yelling and pointing and swearing and threatening.
I was quietly crapping my pants, but my boy – bless him- didn’t flinch or give any acknowledgement of this man at all. Eventually he gave up and walked away.
After he left, my boy turned to me and said – he was trying to prove he was alpha male. But I stood tall and showed no fear. It made him realize I was being alpha and I did it all without any violence. I just stayed calm and held my ground. And it helps I have years of experience of a scary older man yelling at me.
I’m not happy this happened, but I was so proud of how my kid handled a scary situation. He’s got some good life skills that one.
About a year ago my awesome massage therapist (who is a healer and a spiritual warrior) loaned me his Still Point Inducer to help relax my nervous system and being me some anxiety relief. After using it for a week and really enjoying it, I did a DYI version with tennis balls and have used that for the last year.
It helped, but not as much as the real Still Point Inducer. So about a week ago I ordered one of my own.
There actually is a still point I get to when I use this thing. It’s amazing. I can feel my whole nervous system reset and for hours after I can feel the space of calmness that has been created in my head. It calms the monkey mind. Miracle!!
It actually has me enjoying meditation again. Bigger miracle. Total happiness
The girl has started ball practice tonight (indoor due to the never ending winter we are experiencing). And talk about happiness. Much as my horse is my Spiritual Utility Vehicle – ball is hers. She gets right in the zone and glows.
I woke up feeling awful this morning. I’m sure it’s part stress, part exhaustion, but it was full on yuck today.
Since I wasn’t doing much with my body I decided to nourish my mind with some of the huge stack of reading I’ve got to do. I’m learning about long term behaviour change – how to rewire our brains for permanent results. As someone who has experienced the feeling of being stuck one too many times, I find this fascinating.
I’m right in the middle of this place of change and it’s super important I make decisions that will lead to the life I want, not the life I left behind. And my kids need to learn how to make good and happy life choices.
Lately even they have been saying they can feel the shift. The ugly is being left behind and new possibilities are opening up. It’s pretty awesome.
