Tag Archives: kids

happiness

Back in the groove

It was so nice to have some time last week to spend with my girl – and especially to be in Victoria and have some spring like weather – and the boy had a great time in Iceland, but it’s really good to have us all back together and getting back to real life.

I am thankful that even though I get too stressed out, and I still have issues I am working on with forgiveness and grief and all the other emotions, we have a really good life here. I mean really good. We are so blessed to live where we do and be surrounded by this family, our tribe.

I was telling a friend today about how lonely the away years were when it was usually just the three of us, trying to make friends and create a home, but we were missing our family and our home. It’s weird now that I had just accepted that was how life was going to be, and I’m so grateful that life now is surrounded by friends and family again.

Their spring sports are starting up, eventually the ice will go away and I’ll get more Drishti time, the sun is staying up later, it is time for regrowth and new life.

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Flowers and tea and friends

We made it to the Butchart Gardens today to take in some flowers and enjoy high tea. I used to love coming here with my parents when I was a kid and I love that I get to share it with my girl now.

this is what it’s like trying to take a selfie with a teen.

Then we went to supper with one of my oldest bestest friends. When we are together I still feel like a badass 15 year old even though we talk about how weird it is to be adulting now. Good friend are special and to be cherished. I’m so glad she’s in my life.

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Murchie’s, Munro’s, Memories

My soul was called back out to Sidney and I had to follow. The girl and I are spending a few days on Vancouver Island to be near the ocean, renew our souls, visit old memories, and make new ones.

This place has always felt like my second home, we spent so much time here when I was a kid. My parents had a house we all loved here for a few years, but before and after that we would come and stay in the exact same hotel the girl and I are in now.

There are memory imprints of us walking on the logs along the water with grandma, of Easter egg hunts in the courtyard, of lunch at Lunns, and of trips into Victoria.

Victoria for me always centers around the triangle of Murchie’s, Munro’s, and Roger’s – and today we hit all three of them. Mom used to spend hours in the bookstore gathering a new stash of reading material, and dad and my sister and I would run between the other stores.

I needed to touch base with some different family memories. Mom and Dad were never sick here, this place doesn’t hold divorce pain or death pain. It holds memories of us riding bikes, gathering seashells, and running free.

As I watched the girl pick shells in the rain while grinning from ear to ear, I remembered we are not only visiting old memories but making new ones.

Life does always go on. I need to hold onto these happy memories, remember when mom and dad were alive, when they weren’t sick, when life was easier. But I need to hold onto this moment when I’m here with my girl and we are alive and healthy. And I need to embrace the changes the future will bring.

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happiness

Being strong

The girl and I had a long discussion today about what it means to be strong.

I think both of us have realized that our definition of being strong has changed. It no longer means protecting ourselves – we are no longer living in danger or in crisis- rather it means being vulnerable and cracking our carefully guarded hearts open.

It’s a huge leap in healing for both of us. And we both naturally want to guard our hearts and protect ourselves.

I have learned this means I need to me authentically me – I can’t shape myself to make other people happy anymore. It’s ok to tell people what I want and let them do the same.

We have had to be tough and protected and strong for years. Now we have to be soft, and vulnerable, and loving, and embrace the strength that comes with that.

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That 70s show

The kids and I have slowly been watching That 70s Show on Netflix- but since the internet rolls over tomorrow we have been binge watching today.

As I’ve mentioned, it’s kind of a weird Easter for me this year. And I need to make it special for the girl – it is such a season of hope and new growth – but I also kind of just want to cry and miss what was.

It’s the great thing about having kids – they force me to look forward and keep the sun shining in our family.

And part of fake it until you make it is made easier by watching silly shows that make us laugh.

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Letting him fly

The boy took off with his school for what I’m sure will be an epic trip to Iceland. He has been so excited about this trip since my mom gifted it to him as an early graduation present last fall. On the way to the airport he kept saying how he felt that nana should still be alive because he needed to tell her all about his trip. It was a present he will remember forever and I’m so grateful she was able to gift it to him.

I’ve only heard wonderful things about Iceland and I hope he has a trip that he will talk about for years to come. It’s hard to believe this kiddo is almost an adult, but when I watched him head off with his school group there is no denying this is the case.

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Youth Group

We were so fortunate that even before we moved back home my kids were involved in the church we now go to thanks to my cousin and her family. They have been faithful members of this church for years and the year before we moved back home both my kids were involved in VBS here when we came back for a visit.

This church swooped us up right from the beginning and gave us a safe place to land. First my son and now my daughter have joined the youth group and gained instant friends, as well as time with their cousins, to play, laugh, and deepen their relationships with God. They have become an important part of all of our lives and I’m so grateful we all have this as part of our spiritual tribe.

Kids are at youth, mama is home reading a book with a cup of tea enjoying the quiet with a cat curled up beside me. Life is good and the simple things are what bring us joy – it doesn’t cost a penny.

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Feeding my soul

I’ve been really stressed out and run down lately. It’s due in part to the things I need to sort out for mom’s estate – there are lots of things that the government needs because of the extra care she was getting. I’m so grateful for all that care – it allowed her to spend more time at home, and gave her a lot of comfort and peace – so the work is totally worth it. It is just sad work, I’m not really accepting well the fact that both mom and dad are gone. I think it’s just a lot to absorb, and so much has happened the last 3 years.

Added to that is the chore of getting my things ready for taxes. It is emotionally draining as I’ve had to go back and pay my lawyer again to show the thousands of dollars that I have spent in attempts to have Mr. X follow the court order for support. He is now almost $40,000 behind in payments and to say that has had a huge impact on our lives is no joke. It’s hard on me, it’s hard on the kids – it’s exhausting.

I have realized that I’ve been so stressed out that I haven’t been looking after my soul properly lately. I need my Drishti, I need the peace he brings me, I need to be spending more time with him. He is a big part of what feeds my soul and recharges me so that I have the strength to carry on. I can’t make Mr. X follow the court order or be a decent human, I can’t bring my parents back – but I can go riding and free my soul even for a little while.

I really can only be responsible for my own happiness, my own freedom, and my own life choices. I need to be making ones that are good for my soul, for my family, for my heart.

Thank God for this horse.

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Old friends, good times

I had a visit with a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. We both lived crazy, unexpected lives in those years, but at the core of it all we are the same people. I love getting together with someone after ages and it takes no time at all to get back to the same comfort as the friendship of the past.

We know where each other’s bodies are buried – we have to stay friends.

Our teen years and early 20s were spent together riding our horses and getting into trouble. So now we talk about horses and how we used to get into trouble. But mostly horses and our kids and our dreams for how our lives are now. We both are pretty grateful for the lives we have and that makes catching up so much easier.

I am so thankful I have made such great friends in my lifetime. My relationships are the most important thing in my life and it’s awesome that I am surrounded by such good people. It’s soul happiness.

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We are those guys

Yesterday when we were walking around Banff we kept getting behind the funniest two guys who were having the strangest conversations. The first time I heard well, I was doing fine until I sat on me ass for a year eating nothing but shit food, that made me fat and miserable. Later we ended up behind them again and I heard  well, I have to argue with you – you always think you’re right about everything and I have to prove you’re not. Lastly the boy heard them arguing over whether a giraffe or koala was the better animal. They were so funny I couldn’t keep a straight face.

Tonight after the girl had ball we went out for milkshakes and we were having one of our usual insane conversations. We noticed the people in the booth behind us snickering and poking at each other and listening to our conversation.

The boy looked at me and started to laugh and said we are those guys from yesterday – thats us today having this conversation. 

I am so grateful for the relationship I have with my kids. It’s a lot of work for all of us to be this close and work together, but I don’t know how we would do it any other way.

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