Tag Archives: tribe

happiness

Rain walls and the triangle

I met my old friend today and we went for a walk in the rain by the water. When I say old friend, I won’t just mean I’ve known her forever, I mean she’s older than I am. Much older. Two weeks older. Old. ( this upsets her so I’m putting it in a whole bunch).

I’m so grateful for that friendship

I am sitting on a plane flying back to the frozen tundra that is Calgary. I have no desire to be in the snow and -20C in April. But it’s home and it’s where I need to be.

At the airport our family triangle will he reunited as the boy arrives at the same time we do from his Iceland adventure. I can’t wait to lay eyes on him again, to hear his stories, to have us all together again.

I come back from this mini vacation feeling so relaxed and happy. I really needed this time to ground myself and to live in some happy memories of my parents and to make new ones with my girl. Life is good.

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Totem Poles and beach walks

It was another rainy day here, but the flowers are blooming and the blossoms are on the tree and I love this place so it didn’t matter.

I dragged the girl to the museum – I haven’t been to the museum in Victoria since I was a kid but I remember being fascinated by totem poles.

The girl is at that teenage age where nothing I do is cool so I am not sure how much she enjoined the afternoon, but I remembered why it is I have a history degree. I love this stuff.

I went for a solo walk along the beach by the hotel this evening. I really needed that quiet space to be with myself and with God. I am so glad we are here, but even the good memories now have sadness attached to them. It made me realize how much more mourning I have to do.

But even in the mourning there are silver linings. I’m here with my girl – and much as my parents gave me experiences that I cherish and that shaped me- I’m doing that for my kids now.

I had a 5 minute visit with one of my old time forever friends this afternoon – a longer one to follow tomorrow. I so appreciate and love all of the people in my tribe.

I love this place. I am so thankful for these spaces that ground me.

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Surrender to happiness

I have learned so much about what happiness truly means for me since starting my blog over 3 years ago. I was seeking happiness in a very dark time in my life, looking for little glimmers of hope wherever I could find them. Most of my searching started on the outside – I’d see Henry The Heron on a walk and send a photo of him to my dad who would send me back a photo of the heron who lives here, I’d smile at someone at the grocery store and have them smile back, I’d read a book that brought me joy. It was very basic, simple, and really makes me realize how small and sad my life was then.

I’m focusing more now on happiness being an inside job. I’m learning how true happiness comes from my connection to the Divine and living my Dharma, my destiny, my passion.

Mostly I need to learn how to surrender.

I hate surrendering. I hate surrendering to other people, I even hate surrendering to God. Why do I need to control everything (especially when I know damn well I control nothing)? Genetics hahaha. No, seriously though – I know full well my life goes much better when I hand it over to God, but I still stubbornly hold on to the important things just in case He doesn’t do it right, or in case He forgets about me.

I’m reading a book right now called The Power of Surrender and I came across this passage in my reading today

To stay happy, remember that a positive inner focus shapes outer success… Surrendering to happiness means being grateful for what you have achieved, even if it’s just getting out of bed in the morning during trying times. Gratitude is an ecstatic feeling, a way to allow contentment in…. Surrendering to happiness also means letting everyday life delight you, giving thanks for the love that is around you, for your body, for your breath… Material success, as financially comfortable as it can make you, as pleasant as it can be, isn’t required for happiness. It won’t make you any happier than you would be otherwise in the long run. So part of success is being smart enough to know what can make you happy and going after that… (21-22).

When I filed for divorce I lost any (albeit false) sense of security I had created for myself. Mr X has been allowed to get $40,000 behind in payments and it has cost me more than that again in legal fees over the last 2 years. But what I have learned by losing everything I had was a) I have an awesome family and they scooped us up and have held us in love and gave us a home as I’m recreating life, and b) that my true happiness that comes from my connection to the Divine and that shines out in riding my horse, in my writing, in my relationships – all of that can’t be taken away – it’s who I am, not what I have.

This is why it’s so important for me to learn to surrender. To hand it over to the Divine, to choose love over fear, to embrace life, and to forgive.

Yes to forgive.

I’m working on that.

The more I forgive, the more I am able to connect to my own inner peace. And that is happiness.

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Being strong

The girl and I had a long discussion today about what it means to be strong.

I think both of us have realized that our definition of being strong has changed. It no longer means protecting ourselves – we are no longer living in danger or in crisis- rather it means being vulnerable and cracking our carefully guarded hearts open.

It’s a huge leap in healing for both of us. And we both naturally want to guard our hearts and protect ourselves.

I have learned this means I need to me authentically me – I can’t shape myself to make other people happy anymore. It’s ok to tell people what I want and let them do the same.

We have had to be tough and protected and strong for years. Now we have to be soft, and vulnerable, and loving, and embrace the strength that comes with that.

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A new Easter

Easter has always been a big deal to me, my parents celebrated it in the true sense (not the Hallmark sense) and it was always a time where we embraced Christ as our Savior, looked forward to spring and the hope of new beginnings, and enjoyed family time.

This year it was going to be just me and the girl and we were kind of at loose ends. But family scooped us up and we spent the day visiting and eating and celebrating.

It was a different day, a new way of celebrating Easter – right down to a completely different kind of church service. But we are in a season of change in this house and I think it was good to celebrate a new Easter.

A new Easter, but with our tribe, with our family. It all comes down to love and the relationships we have in our lives. I feel so fortunate I come from the tribe I do, they hold me up constantly and remind me how important it is to have people to love.

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Easter break

We are heading into our Easter break. It’s kind of bittersweet- I love Easter – I love the meaning of hope and new life and the promise from God it reminds us of. I also love my childhood memories of Easter. We always went to Vancouver Island when I was a kid and celebrated with the flowers, the ocean, and the cathedral. The kids and I were so lucky to have spent Easter there last year.

It’s kind of weird going into Easter this year without mom and dad. But life goes on, there is always the promise of new hope. We are in a season of change and I need to embrace it not resist it. New and wonderful things are trying to grow and it’s important I tend to my soul garden.

I think it’s important to hold onto some of those good memories, but it’s time to let go of the ones that hold me back. They can serve as the fertilizer for the new chapter of my life. I’m looking forward to it

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The Fallen Housewife

I have known for a little while that the next step in my healing was going to be sharing my story. I just had to wait until the time was right. Aside from the grief of my parents dying and the struggles from the divorce and just general life with teens- I wanted to wait to share when I was in a space where it would be more than angry rants.

I’m there now. It is time. I need to keep healing, and part of that is stepping out of the shame and embarrassment and hurt I lived in.

I’ve started a new blog. I’ll keep this one going of course, it has been a lifeline for me as I’ve been learning how to surrender into happiness. But I needed a place to tell my story. So thefallenhousewife.com was created (you can follow it on it’s Facebook page https://www.facebook.com/thefallenhousewife/).

As Rafiki says it is time. I’m thankful I’m at this stage of healing, there were some hard years in there.

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Old friends, good times

I had a visit with a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. We both lived crazy, unexpected lives in those years, but at the core of it all we are the same people. I love getting together with someone after ages and it takes no time at all to get back to the same comfort as the friendship of the past.

We know where each other’s bodies are buried – we have to stay friends.

Our teen years and early 20s were spent together riding our horses and getting into trouble. So now we talk about horses and how we used to get into trouble. But mostly horses and our kids and our dreams for how our lives are now. We both are pretty grateful for the lives we have and that makes catching up so much easier.

I am so thankful I have made such great friends in my lifetime. My relationships are the most important thing in my life and it’s awesome that I am surrounded by such good people. It’s soul happiness.

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The old pony club days

Some of my best memories are of Pony Club at Buckley’s in the ’70s. There weren’t a lot of us English riders in this ranching area- but the few of us who were rode together and had a blast. It was in the days when safety was less of an issue so the fact we are all still alive is kind of a miracle.

Seriously though, I have found the strength to get through some of the most difficult times of my life by pulling strength from those old Pony Club days. They also are filled not only with memories of terror and walking through fear, but of laughter and friendship and fun.

We had to get an assessment of the house done for probate and a lady who said she was familiar with the area came out to do it for us. As I was showing her the house she said she used to do Pony Club at Buckley’s which made us both stop and stare at each other. Because we had to have ridden together.

Turns out I rode with her younger sister. The first year (when we were about 5) she and I and one other girl slept in the grain bins at camp. My aunt had to take us in and bathe us and give us special food because she felt for us being so little out there. It still is one of my favorite memories.

I love how connected we are. She looked at an old photo of my sister on her Shetland and said oh Peanuts- I remember her. It’s amazing how many of my people know Peanuts from her previous owners. I mean this was like 40 years ago. Peanuts left an impression.

I had such a happy soul feeling – out tribe stretches through time

Here’s 9 year old me on the hill at Buckley’s at the D Rally. Good times.

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Helping Hands

Last fall we were gifted the time of the administrative assistant at the ranch to help us sort out some of mom’s paperwork and files. I don’t know what I would have done without this guardian angel. She has everything so well organized and when I go over there to sort things to send in to the government (I have an audit due) she knows exactly what I need to do and has things sorted out for me.

At the best of times this kind of paperwork makes me hear white noise and makes me want to curl up in a ball, but it’s so emotional being mom’s things and I just can’t make my brain do what it needs to. So this amazing lady guides me and sorts me out and files things in the right place.

Sometimes we feel like we need to do everything ourselves – to prove our independence, our strength, our intelligence – but let me tell you: we need each other. We weren’t made to function all alone, we need to rely on and support each other. We all have gifts that help ourselves and other people out – they need to be shared.

I am so grateful for my tribe, for this woman, for where we live. It’s a God gift.

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