Tag Archives: abuse

happiness

The trade off 

Today is my unniversary – it hasn’t been a great day for years now but I’m getting better about it.

It used to be a sad day because it was a reminder that I had made a promise to spend life with someone who was hellbent on destroying me. Last year it was a weird day as I had my own end of marriage ceeemony – gratitude I was on this side, sadness I endured for so long.

Today though I realized something. I used to think we were building security for the future. I hoped maybe once he made enough money, or was happy enough in his career, that things would get better. Eventually I began to wonder if this would ever be the case. But, then I was trading happiness in the present for the hope of security in the future.

Now I have happiness in the moment and no security for the future at all.

But these moments… they are awesome. And all we really have is the present moment. I realized this today as I was mowing the lawn, seeing my horse in the field beside me, watching my daughter and niece jump on the trampoline, and knowing that my boy was at a job that he loves.

These present moments of happiness are good ones. Who knows what the future holds, but the present- it holds happiness.

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Meet him where he’s at

As I travel along this happiness journey I am reminded constantly how important it is to be able to go with the flow. In order to find peace, happiness, and love I need to be able to let go of my agenda and go with the flow.

Drishti is a great teacher of this lesson. I often go out to the field with an idea of how I want our ride to go. Drishti always has his own ideas. In order for me to have any enjoyment I need to let go of the strict lines I wanted to follow and meet him where he’s at.

I find this a difficult thing to do in all aspects of my life – meet people where they’re at. I really would prefer that they meet me where I’m at. But, while I feel that it’s important not to be a total pushover – when I am able to meet people where they’re at (or Drishti) things go much better. Just let go, let be, and enjoy what the moment presents.

Things never really work out how I plan them anyway, and when I let go and just let the natural flow take over they almost always turn out so much better.

I had to spend some time in the corral this morning relearning this lesson with my dear horse. Finally I got it and let go of the ride I wanted to have and had the ride I was supposed to have. And it was happiness.

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Sharing stories

I have made a “mom friend” at ball this season. We bonded right away and the more we have talked the more we have realized that we share much of the same story. The details are different, but the theme of our marriages and subsequent breakups are pretty much the same. In a really unique way we understand what being this type of single mom means. And while that means there’s a lot of shared heartache, there are a lot of familiar funny stories.

Tonight we sat at the ball field and laughed while we shared some of the highlights from over the years. We both commented how nice it is to have someone who just gets the situation we are in. It can be a difficult one to explain to others and it makes it so much more simple to just be able to give the eyeball to each other, a quick nod, and say yep, I get it. 

I really like this woman, making good friends does not happen very often so I’m really grateful for the moments when this opportunity presents itself. That is happiness.

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Scared of snakes

My horse ended up with a little cut on his leg this morning that needed some attention. Part of that included an introduction to the scary hose. I don’t know much at all about his past, but I’m guessing based on how today went that he does not have a lot of experience with hoses. He was not impressed and danced around and snorted and basically acted like the end of the world was coming.

At first I lost my patience and yelled at him, following that up with trying to strong-arm all 1100 lbs of him into doing things my way. As you can imagine that didn’t work so well for me, and only resulted in making him more agitated. I stopped, took a deep breath, and began “an introduction to hoses” course with my guy. We spent a long time letting the hose run near him, over his hooves, and eventually up his leg to where the cut was. It took almost an hour from start to finish, but when we were done he wasn’t afraid, and I wasn’t frustrated.

He is so good at helping me figure out how to resolve issues so I can restore both of us to balance. When I’m in those moments with him I have two choices – I can give up and walk away knowing that I’ll never be able to progress any farther and likely will end up more behind than where I was when I started, or I can figure it out and move ahead. I choose always to figure it out and move ahead. It’s part of my training process with Drishti, and it’s part of my healing process for my life. If I ever quit and give up I will end up having to start again from the beginning, or never getting back on the path again. I can’t have that.

This guy brings me such soul smiling happiness. I am grateful all the time that he has landed in my life.

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Transition and change

I had lunch today with a dear friend of mine – I’ve known her since the beginning of my time and my childhood memories are filled with visions of us tearing things up here at the ranch. We come together as often as we can now to break bread, share laughter, and hold space for each other.

There is something special about these lifelong friends – even more so is the fact that she is family – so we have shared experience, but also were raised with values and share a core understanding of who we are as part of this family. There is little background we ever have to explain to each other when we tell a story. This is a treasure and I am grateful all the time that God blessed me with this tribe.

Later today she texted me a quote that I have been pondering and feel is quite a profound way of describing the changes and transitions I have been going through over the last few years:

Without a transition, a change is just a rearrangement of the furniture. A change might be switching from one brand of detergent to the other. or it could be a shift in daily habits, such as going out to exercise first thing in the morning instead of waiting until the workday is finished. A transition, on the other hand, is more far-reaching. It involves an inner reorientation, a shift of focus that often requires a new understanding of self. A brand-new identity emerges..”

I had been telling her how I felt so strongly that if I walked away from the transition period I am in now I will forever lose all that I have gained. It is so important that I finish this journey to healing – so I can be better and so that the kids will as well. Every step I take they are right along with me – and sometimes they take the step and I follow. But, we MUST complete this journey.

My time today with her was more than happiness. It is pure and true – to the core of my soul happiness – that lasts the test of time.

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Building trust, watching fences, opening doors, dropping walls

Building trust is something I’ve been working on lately. I want to allow myself to trust more willingly again, and I want to be the kind of person who can be trusted  (I think I am already, but I need to have faith in that knowledge). Being able to trust again after the pain and damage of my marriage is a difficult thing, but it’s something I must work towards. It’s like love – you either live with an open heart and feel, which leaves you vulnerable to being hurt, or you close off entirely – saving yourself that heart pain, but living with an empty heart. To live the life I want, I must be able to trust those in inner circle. Drishti is a good learning tool for this exercise.

I finally had a chance to spend some time with my beloved Drishti this morning – life has been busy, or the weather has been cold and rainy and I haven’t been able to ride the much in the last week or so. He’s living with his buddies in an area that is blocked off by electric fence so that they don’t make big pigs of themselves on the green grass. It’s a good thing and usually works well, but my poor boy is terrified of the fence – thanks in part to a little mishap we had a couple of weeks ago.

Today I took him out of his part of the field and brought him over near my place to get him ready to ride. He was very nervous and spooking at everything. At the time I wasn’t totally sure what his problem was and thought maybe the ton of fresh green grass he had been eating, added to me not riding may have just made him a little crazy in the head. But, as I kept working with him, I realized that he was incredibly scared of anywhere that the electric fence had been put up.

I had to coax him and work quietly with him to get him to a part of the field where I could ride. We walked around quietly for quite some time, and eventually I felt all his muscles relax and his great, long neck stretch out. He was trusting me and accepting my guidance, understanding that I was telling him that I would keep him safe. He earned my trust a while ago and I believe (as much as he can being an animal) that he will work to keep me safe, and now I feel like he’s got the same trust in me.

It made my heart warm with joy. It totally changes a relationship when there is complete trust. Either one of us may make a mistake and hurt the other, but I think we both know that we will each do our best to look after each other. In any relationship this makes magic happen. With my horse there are many life and death situations we can get into, but it is equally important in my other relationships that I build or keep this kind of trust. Where we have each other’s back no matter what, but love and forgive, and understand that mistakes may happen.

Our exercise in trust with the fence today made me think of a quote by Rumi that I had read a while ago that came with a photo that I felt explained it brilliantly:

Why struggle to open a door between us when the whole wall is an illusion? ~ Rumi

Drishti for me is what happiness represents. He is saving my life, bringing me back to myself, but helping me become a better version of myself. He is truly a miracle in my life and I am so incredibly grateful for him.

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Meaningful moments

This morning I worked on a surprise birthday present for my boy for quite a long time. I can’t reveal exactly what it is yet, but it’s very spiritual for him and he’s been asking for something like it for a while. Through my dear friend and mentor Asrael, I contacted a lady in Invermere who makes exactly what I wanted, and together this morning through the wonders of technology we brainstormed and created, and she is now in the process of putting together the perfect gift. I am so excited. I hope he loves it and cherishes it for years to come. It has a lot of personalized meaning for him, and helps represent a lot of the spiritual growth he’s done over the last couple of years.

It was meaningful. I’ve had a lot of meaningful moments lately that have made me stop and go hmmmmm. I’ve been in quiet contemplation the last few days as we approach the anniversary of my dad’s death. It seems impossible that tomorrow it will be two years since he passed. So much has happened, and yet I still expect to see him lying out in a field taking a photo of a flower with a big grin on his face. I know he’s here with us guiding us along as we all continue to bumble along our paths, figuring out what we are supposed to be doing and who we are. I miss him incredibly, but I know he wants us to be happy and find love and fulfillment.

I spent some time working with a lady who is helping me build a business which hopefully will start to generate some cash. Finding a way to take some of my financial stress away would be a game changer – there still is no indication that Mr. X has any intention of every making any more of the court ordered support payments.

I shared stores and laughs tonight with a dear girlfriend and that reminded me how important it is to have this tribe of people. I’ve lived life without my people around and I don’t ever again want to feel like I’m flying solo through life -either in faith or in person.

All these meaningful moments – they are what adds up to happiness. I am so blessed.

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The new story

I visited with someone today who I have a feeling is going to become part of my tribe. I love it when I meet someone and I know that they’re one of my people. And because she’s also a heart based person, we have had deep discussions since the moment we met. As we were talking she said something about how “this is going to be your story”.

It struck me that I am in the process of writing an entirely different story. I am no longer who I was, and I don’t feel like because of that I’m stuck in that place of being someone I don’t want to be. I get to write an entirely different story now.

Every day life is getting better, we are all finding happier ways to live out our story. I still have no idea where this path is heading, but I’m so grateful I’m on it. That is happiness.

And so is this:

 


I still can’t believe he is in my life. Talk about answered prayers.

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Bubbles, ball, and blessings 

We finished off the long weekend with a perfectly sunny day.  So often the May long weekend brings snow,  but this year it was amazing. 

After some yard work we relaxed in our yard and the girl brought out her bubble wands. There is something magical and so relaxing about sitting and blowing bubbles. And so we did. 


The girl had ball tonight in town and it is becoming a social event for the rest of us. It’s wonderful to watch her thrive in her sport. 

We have so many blessings. I have been reminded lately of how important it is to let in the light rather than focus on the darkness. There is a lot of light in our lives – and that is happiness. 

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Beginner’s mind

Today I read a passage in the book A Return To Love that allowed me to better understand some of the issues I’ve been having both with meditation and with surrender.

In Zen Buddhism, there’s a concept called “zen mind”, or “beginner’s mind”. They say that the mind should be like an empty rice bowl. If it’s already full, then the universe can’t fill it. If it’s empty, it has room to receive. This means that when we think we have things already figured out, we’re not teachable. Genuine insight can’t dawn on a mind that’s not open to receive it. Surrender is a process of emptying the mind. 

I think of how many nights (and days) I have listened to endless mind chatter. Worrying about one thing or another, being angry about things I can’t change, thinking about the past or the future. My rice bowl has been full. When I meditate the bowl empties out a bit, when I have CST treatments it’s like someone turns that bowl upside down and shakes all the old stuff out.

I keep telling God I want to surrender, I want to hand my worries over to him. Yet I have control issues, I think I can handle things myself (FYI, I can’t), I keep my rice bowl full of things that aren’t nourishing me.

I understand better why the meditation time is so important, why I feel so filled after a CST treatment. I have made space in my head for the voice of God. That is happiness.

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