Tag Archives: family

happiness

The Coke shirts 

Last year as we began palliative care with Dad, I went to the store and bought matching Coke shirts for him and Jacob. They were always such a tight team those two, and were delighted to have the same outfit (with matching PJ bottoms). 

I was folding laundry this afternoon and pulled one of the Coke shirts out of the basket to fold.  I haven’t seen it in almost a year – I assume it was too painful for Jacob to wear. I was so happy to see it out now. We all seem to be walking into this week with smiles and sorrow. 

Some of the smiles come from remembering my aunts and uncles (his sisters and brothers in law), who along with one of my cousins made the trek out here to see him in his last days. 

Sad as it was, we had so much fun with them. Jacob was so delighted to find out the family gift  is really a thing and that it is something to be laughed about. He still talks about that discovery regularly. He takes pride in developing his abilities. 

The love that was sent to my dad (and us) from family near and far was amazing. It reconnected me with cousins, we shared stories and enjoyed that deep connection that blood brings no matter where you are. 

In a bittersweet happiness moment I sat with that Coke shirt and remembered how much my Dad loved Jacob. 

This is another one of Dad’s photos. Taken along a road that he and Mom used to walk often. 

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The heart of a father 

The closer we get to the first anniversary of dad’s passing the more I feel all these emotions coming up. I think there was a lot about the last couple of weeks of his life that I wasn’t able to process. There was so much going on, we were so in the moment and also fearing the moment at the same time. I still can’t believe it’s been almost a year. 

For the first time since he died, today I sat at the computer and went through some of his “best of” photos. Dad was an amazing photographer and looking at the memories he left for us made me cry and feel joy at the same time. It wasn’t long before one by one, everyone in the house joined me in an impromptu memorial. We talked about dad, shared memories, shared feelings, laughed at old stories, discussed what a talented photographer he was, and honoured his presence in our lives. 

I’m so grateful we have each other to work through this with. There were many tears today, and I’m sure there will be many more over the next couple of weeks. But I am so grateful he was my dad and that he was such a good dad. 

This is one of his photos of a place where he loved to walk. We went up and down this path countless times together. Some of his ashes are now scattered here so he can always be close to one of his beloved spots. 


Two happiness moments today. The big, spiritual one was quiet time shared with my mom and sister as we talked about dad. 

The other one was a crazy, messed up game of Twister after supper. 

I am so thankful for my tribe. 

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Peace within

These past few days have been filled with jumbled emotions for me. I’m nervous and excited about completing my Ayurveda course, I’m being filled with bittersweet memories of where We were a year ago, and I have this deep sense of peace that I am exactly where I am supposed to be. 

Maybe I will never process all of the emotions that filled me at this time last year. Even now, looking back as we entered into the last week of Dad’s life I couldn’t believe we were there. I was beginning to understand that it was part of God’s plan, but I couldn’t imagine life without him. Here we are a year later and I still can’t believe he’s not here. There are still tears shed on a regular basis as I drive back and forth on that gravel road. 

And yet here we are, here I am a year later and so much has changed. I feel like a completely different person and yet more like myself than I ever have. This year of growth has allowed changes in me that have been waiting to burst forth for a lifetime. 

I’m sure the next couple of weeks will be filled with more random tears than normal. They’ll also have me sitting with old memories, happy memories, of things we used to do with Dad. Best of all, it’s his time of year, which makes it easier to get out and celebrate his memory. The wildflowers have appeared, the blossoms are on the trees, there is new life and new hope everywhere. 

My happiness moment today is being with the kiddos and their friends in Canmore. The drive here is always phenomenal, their laughter lifts my spirits, and I have this deep peace in my soul. 

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Camp giggles

I had an awesome energy session this morning. I don’t know how I got through things before discovering this work. I’m so grateful to Asrael for all that she does for me, it’s amazing all the things that can shift so quickly once I put attention to them. We did some big stuff today and I can feel it moving around a lot of old things.

Jenna came home from camp today. She was so excited but also so nervous about going away, and I have spent the past couple of days hoping and praying that she was having fun. I’m not sure when the smile is going to come off her face, but I don’t think it will be any time soon. She loved camp and said she wishes it had been longer. So good!

It’s been a blessed afternoon of happiness moments hearing her tell stories about camp and spending some quiet time snuggling her back into the family space. Man I love that kid.

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My heart will always be at home 

I realized today that finally, truly, and deeply, my heart understands that we are home. For the past year I have wanted to lie on the ground and hold on – partly in gratitude, but also because there was a fear that this was going to be snatched away. My soul has shifted and now it is at peace and content with the fact that we are here. We are back where we belong with our tribe. 

Now that we have the security and grounding of having a place where we belong, it becomes safe to spread our wings again. We will each do it in our own way, but it will happen with the knowledge that there is this base of love to fall back on. 

My happiness moment was when I was out walking tonight. I soaked in the scenery that I love so much, visited with family, and thanked God for this life that I have. 

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Be the change

Be the change you want to see in the world (Gandhi) is one of my favourite sayings of all time. I think it’s a great reminder that we get back what we put out there, that if we want to see and receive love we need to give and live with it. On the flip side, if you expect darkness and pain that’s usually what you get as well. It is one of the quotes that I kept close to my heart as I started climbing to a better place.

Today I ran into someone who embodies these words. Every time I see her she’s happy and positive – authentically looking for the bright side of things, and I know she’s seen some dark days. Every time I see her I want to run over and visit with her because without fail she makes me feel happier and lighter than I was before. She has that kind of energy that draws people to her. I know I’m not the only one who feels this way, I hear other people get just as excited when they see her. Melba’s here, let’s go say hi.

That is the kind of change I want to be in the world. What a gift to bring joy and happiness just by shining your light into the world. She inspires me to be a better, happier person. When I think of how I want to be as I grow and find myself, it is to become someone like that. I am so lucky that she is in my life, it was a beautiful happiness moment running into her today.

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Comfort food for the soul

We got back at the search for our family church this morning and went to the Anglican Church in Cochrane. We had a wonderful and warm greeting from members of the congregation as we walked in. I really enjoyed the service and yet as we were going through it I kept feeling like something was missing. One of the hymns we sang made me think of Dad and of course my eyes started leaking (I would like to make it through one church service without crying – it’s been almost a year). As I was trying to quietly wipe my eyes before anyone noticed I realized what it was that was missing.

Being in an Anglican service was like comfort food for my soul. I knew the liturgy, the hymns were all so familiar, even the non stop aerobic workout as we stood and sat was second nature. It was grounding and peaceful and made me feel like I belonged. Except for one thing… it wasn’t my church (although there was no reason for it not to be -these people were lovely and so welcoming).

I’ve been pretty focused on finding a church in Cochrane. I want it to be our hometown and the centre of our lives. But, I realized that maybe what I need at this point of my life is the familiarity of my home church – the one I grew up in. I crave comfort food for my soul. So, instead of trying to recreate it elsewhere, why not go back to the building and the community that gave it to me in the first place? As I was pondering this, the priest started his sermon which was all about making sure that you find time to fill your spiritual needs.

When we left the service I asked the kids how they felt about it. Without sharing any of my feelings about returning to the family church, I said that I had really enjoyed the hymns and Jenna said because they remind you of your old church and that makes you feel at home and safe. Wise words from a child. Jacob then asked why aren’t we just going back to the church where we were baptized and where Grandpa’s funeral was? It’s our family church and where all our big events have happened? (my sister and I were both married in that church as well). I love how intuitive they are as to what will help fill our spiritual needs.

My happiness moment today was the realization that we really need comfort food for our souls and that will allow us to shine our lights a little more brightly into the world.

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Bob ~ The Civil War

We are sitting in the movie theatre anticipating my happiness moment for today. 2,5 hours of watching Robert Downey Jr (or as they say his friends call him, Bob. That’s just wrong) on the big screen. Or as Jacob would say,  watching the new Captain Ameirca movie Civil War. 

I feel so blessed that there are three generations of family out tonight enjoying time together. Plus, Robert Downey Jr…..

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Forgiveness

The past year and a bit have been quite the emotional rollercoaster for me. One thing that has stayed constant has been my understanding that through all the things that have been going on I have been held firmly in the hands of God. Even in the times that I have questioned things, I know that He has been guiding me and holding me.

I had a rather profound experience during my meditation yesterday. I realized that even though I’ve done a lot of work getting through and getting over the hurts that happened during the course of my marriage, and even though I’ve been very consciously working at cutting all the remaining emotional chords (the ones remaining being full of anger and pain), that I had never really said an emotional goodbye to him. And, unfortunately for me that was going to mean forgiving him.

There’s a big part of me that still does not want to forgive. I want to be small and petty and sit with my anger and hurt. There’s an even bigger part of me though that wants to be free and happy. That part of me knows that I need to forgive in order to finally be free. Remember how I swore I never, ever would forgive? Damn it!!!

I’ve struggled with forgiving him before. I did it over and over again in our marriage. What I found issue with back then was that every time I forgave him, another more painful betrayal would soon pop up and I’d have to not only deal with another forgiveness, but also the realization that I’d mistakenly given trust and placed faith once again. This time though, I’m able to go into this without having any expectations of him at all. We will never have any kind of relationship again, I won’t ever have to trust him or believe his word again. I just have to forgive him and let myself be free, so that he can be somebody that I used to know.

I couple of weeks ago I posted about how I felt I was sitting at a locked door and I thought I had the key (that key being surrender) but didn’t know how to use it. Part of the surrender I struggle with involves forgiveness. I don’t expect to forgive overnight, but I expect it to happen. I feel lucky in many ways, I am not dealing with a broken heart, that part of the relationship I dealt with years ago. However these feelings of hurt and anger can be quite the load to let go of as well. I see people decades after divorce still carrying that around and I don’t want that for myself. I want to move into  a healthy and functional relationship with a partner whom I love and trust and I have to be that person myself as well.

My aunt sent me a letter a while ago which sat forgotten on the kitchen counter. I opened it today and she wrote me about finding faith at my locked door. I think it was waiting for me to open it today because today I’m ready to really hear the words.  In part it included some scripture from Rev. 3:19-21

those whom I love, I reprove and discipline; be zealous therefore, and repent. Behold, I stand at the door and knock; if anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and will dine with him, and he with Me.  He who overcomes, I will grant to him to sit down with Me on My throne, as I also overcame and sat down with My Father on His throne. 

God has guided me so patiently and clearly in this past year (I know He has all my life, but He’s made me pretty aware of it lately), how can I not listen?

My birthday present this year was the beginnings of the divorce, and my Mother’s Day present is the beginnings of forgiveness. I feel like they’re the two most important gifts I’ve ever given myself.

My happiness moment today happened at 1:00 am. I woke up suddenly and grabbed my phone without knowing why. I saw a few missed calls and texts from my cousin. She was trying to tell me to get outside and look at the Northern Lights. I woke the kids and we ran out into the yard to see God’s amazing light display. They were some of the best ones I’ve ever seen, they danced all over the sky. It was warm and clear and we stood out there for over an hour admiring the show in the sky.

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Happiness break 

The boy had a bonus day off of school today so we took a much needed happiness break and drove to the mountains for some one on one time. There has been so much stress and emotional turmoil for all three of us over the past year, I want to make sure they come out of this time as healthy and loved as is humanly possible. Sometimes the best way to make that happen is to just leave all your cares behind and head west to the mountains.

I have always found so much healing and strength being wrapped in a big mountain hug. I could see him relaxing and enjoying life a little bit more as well. We giggled our way up and down the streets and spent some time really talking to each other. Keeping that bond is so important. I feel so fortunate that at almost 15 he will spend a day with me by choice. The three of us have worked very hard over the years to develop a strong bond and it really pays off. They are my security blankies and I am theirs (blankies are a big thing in our house so it’s a good point of reference for us).

I’ll have to work double time for the rest of the week to make up for the unexpected day off, but it was so worth it. Making sure the kids feel grounded, loved, and safe is always my number one priority. It was good for my soul too, I need the reminder that we are grounded, loved and safe as well.

What a great happiness moment celebration. We are blessed.

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