Tag Archives: family

happiness

The Beatles


Because it was over 30C today we made a pit stop at DQ after school for some much needed blizzards. While we were sitting and enjoying our frozen treats, Jenna looked over at this poster and told me I should bid on it. 

I reminded her we have very little extra living space in our house – where would we put it? Then she said she didn’t really want it anyway even though she was raised on the Beatles. This confused me as I couldn’t really remember playing them for her at all. I asked her and yes, she was sure. They’d always been her favourite. 

I was pondering how that could be when  Jacob said you mean the Black Eyed Peas? And Jenna said yes, them. Whatever. Same thing. 

Ummmmm no. It’s not. 

There has been so much stress and anxiety over the last few months I love the moments when they’re just their regular selves, it makes for a grateful  happiness  moment.  I hope they’re allowed to continue to heal. It takes every ounce of energy I have some days to hold their hearts and help them through this. 

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It’s May

It’s May already. On the 28th it will be a year since Dad died. I can’t believe it’s been so long already. So much has happened in this year, yet in other ways it feels like a lifetime. Sometimes now I can even talk about dad without immediately bursting into tears. Other times I’m still crying for no reason at all. I don’t think I’ll ever be used to him not being here 

My sister and family were down for the weekend and we had some fun full family time. Spring time at the ranch means calves, outside fun, and reuniting with neighbours after a long winter. 

Today was filled with seeing the newborn calf, blowing bubbles, running in the fields and doing puzzles. 


Last night we went up to the community hall for a family dance. I two stepped with my uncle (I really need to learn how to do that properly) and line danced like it was 1992. 

Being here with the tribe. That’s what it’s all about. 

My happiness moment: Jacob came in and asked me to make Mac and cheese for lunch. I told him to fill up a pot with water and go prepare to be an adult and look after things. He went into the kitchen and called me from the house phone. When I answered he said come make my Mac and cheese please. When I asked are you really calling me from the kitchen to come make your food? He responded with yes. You said go prepare for being an adult. When I’m am adult and I don’t know how to do things I plan on calling you to come do them for me. 

A happiness moment because it was funny, but also because he’s healing enough that he’s found his funny again. 

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The lion king 

When Jacob was a toddler, his favourite movie was the Lion King. I can’t tell you how many times we sat together and watched Simba and his buddies. Then there were the hours spent reenacting the movie with little action figures. Help me brother was yelled countless times as Scar would fall off the couch or the table. Good times. I love the age the kids are at now, but sometimes I miss the little versions of themselves.

Jacob was home today (PD day made a nice surprise long weekend) and he spent the day relaxing and catching up on his things. I was working in my room and he walked in carrying Ella the FancyTail Cat. He holds her up and starts singing the Lion King song (who knows the words, the tune was right). Anyone who knows Ella the FancyTailed Cat would know that this was not appreciated at all by her, which made it all the more funny for her people. Poor Ella.

What was the true happiness moment though, was seeing my boy being more like his old self. He was happy and more carefree, finding the funny in every day situations. I’m so grateful that as our family stress is decreasing their joy and carefree happiness is returning (I’m sure the same is true for me).

We did a very powerful exercise yesterday on talking with and releasing our fears. It’s similar to the work I do with Asrael, but over the course of the weekend a lot of stuff had come to the surface. I was able to acknowledge things that are blocking me and causing me fear, and to either let them go or to work with them. It’s a tool that I definitely will use not only for myself but with clients as I move ahead. There’s so much junk we are all carrying, and it really takes such little love and kindness to help others begin to release it and embrace the bliss.

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Keeping the faith

Yesterday in the conference I’m attending, we talked about the fact that often we come up against a wall that prevents us from being able to move ahead. Even when we know we are walking on the right path and have a clear sense of what we are doing and where we are going, sometimes this huge wall comes up and we are unable to go through or around it. Brian talks about how we can learn to create a door and walk through that. Not that there is a guarantee that everything on the other side of the door is easy necessarily, but it means that we have made it through the wall.

I woke up last night at 2am with a very strong understanding that I am sitting at my door in the wall, but that it is locked. I lay there for a while wondering what to do about that. I had no idea where the key was, what it looked like, or what I needed to do in order to unlock it. I stewed for a while, finally asking God to show me what the hell this meant (God has got used to the fact that I don’t use church language in my daily life), and then fell back asleep without having any clear answer (or even a foggy answer).

I got up and read my devotional this morning and it gave me some guidance (big surprise). Faith is being certain of what we do not see (Hebrews 11:1). Genuine faith puts its letter in the mailbox and lets go. Distrust, however, holds on to a corner of the envelope and then wonders why the letter never arrives…. it is the same with genuine faith. It hands its circumstance over to God, allowing Him to to work…. “Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him and he will do this”. He will never work until we commit. Faith is receiving – or even more, actually appropriating – the gifts God offers us. We may believe in Him, come to Him, commit to Him and rest in Him but we will never fully realize all our blessings until we begin to receive from Him… (Streams in the Desert)

Yesterday there was a lot of focus on making a commitment. We need to make very clear and concise intentions and then commit to them so that we can then receive them. I have known for a while that I get blocked at the receiving or allowing phase of things. As I was driving into town today to hook onto the internet and I was listening to Just be Held it came to me. Really it was spoken to me. I need to surrender all the crap I’m carrying so that I can receive. There’s so much fear tied into that surrender.

Of course, the thing that I am also aware is my greatest challenge is the thing I need to do to get through the damn door. Who is surprised? It enforces the fact that my focus is in the right place though. I need to continue to work on surrender. Being able to surrender will allow me to finally move beyond my fear and my pain. I will not spend the rest of my life being defined by fear and pain. It’s exactly why I started this blog – to move into a state of happiness.

I have so much to say about what I’m learning this weekend. It’s already profoundly changed the way I’m going to move into my professional practice – and given me the confidence boost I needed to do that. It has overridden the negative hateful voice of Mr. X telling me I will fail. Love wins – always.

A happiness moment I gained today that I didn’t expect was that I made friends over the past couple of days. Some of them I will get to meet in real life in June and some of them I will continue to connect with online. I’ve added more people to my tribe – healers like me who are banding together to bring light to the world.

I’ve come out of the weekend with my vision:

My vision is to bring happiness and peace to people’s lives

 

 

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Morning giggles

The day started off with some happiness giggles. Jacob was using google translate to repeat sentences back to himself in English. He said he uses it sometimes when he’s having difficulty reading something in class – I thought this was brilliant problem solving on his part. This morning however he was using it just to be silly. 

As we were heading into town he typed hahahahahahaha into the translator and we were laughing at how silly the robotic voice sounded laughing. 

We turned the corner and ran into our family of deer having their morning meal. They lifted their heads up to greet us while munching away. Jenna started laughing and pointed out they were chewing and opening their mouthes in time to the translator saying hahahahaha. They were! It was the cutest thing to watch. 

My happiness moment, sitting on the road with the two people I love most and enjoying the morning. We are blessed. 

  

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Stand firm

I actually had a full and deep rest last night – which was a huge blessing as we (finally) had our support hearing this morning.

When I got up I decided to read today’s reading in the devotions book my cousin gave me yesterday.  I figured since it had given me such a strong answer to my prayer yesterday that perhaps I had better check it out before starting a day that I knew would be filled with emotion.

I won’t write the whole thing out again, but the verse was: Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today. Exodus 14:13

The verse contains God’s command to me as a believer for those times when I am confronted with dire circumstances and extraordinary difficulties. What am I to do when I cannot retreat or go forward and my way is blocked to the right and to the left?

The Master’s word to me is “Stand firm”. And the best thing I can do at these times is to listen only to my Master’s word…… 

So, basically yesterday’s orders were to wait and be patient because it takes time for prayers to be answered. Today’s were to stand firm and listen for guidance.

My prayers were answered today and we were granted an order for support. It’s enough that the kids and I can join hands and walk into the new life we are creating. I don’t know where I’m going or how I’ll get there, but I do know I’m on the right path. I feel it in every part of my soul. I am grateful and happy beyond what I can properly express that the judge agreed that we need to be provided for, and that I now have the chance to spread my wings and see how well I fly.

Thank you so much to everyone who has given us so much love and support during all of this. I know there’s more ahead, but I feel like a huge weight has been lifted. I can breathe and start to make plans for our future – and enjoy our present.  Having the comfort of my tribe around me (near and far) is one of the greatest blessings in my life.

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And so I listened 

It was 25C today in Calgary – a pretty special treat for April. Jenna and I spent most of the afternoon in at the cast clinic at the Children’s Hospital and were finally given the “all clear”. She was able to remove her air cast and get rid of the crutches. She hasn’t stopped smiling yet (happiness moment #1).

When we got home this evening I decided I should grab my poor, neglected Dotted Dog and take her out for a walk. I love my walking time, and especially tonight I needed some head clearing. I walked and prayed and cried and yelled (thank goodness we are in the country and I can do such things). I asked God what it was I was supposed to be doing. I feel so helpless and upset and angry and frustrated and afraid. What am I supposed to do? Then I stood on the road and yelled at the sky (like Jenna used to yell at me when she was smaller) answer me!!! I asked you what am I supposed to do!! At least give me some kind of sign!!!

And then I kept walking, because really – what kind of sign was going to come to me on this road in the middle of nowhere?

I heard that other voice in my head (as Jacob says – you know how there’s the voice you control, and then the other voice that talks back that you don’t control – well that one) say it’s like you’ve planted a garden and you keep digging it up to see if anything’s growing. You know things can’t grow like that. And then because I’m easily distracted I missed a lot of the profoundness of that statement and started thinking about my garden and what I wanted to plant in it.

Less than 5 minutes later my cousin pulled up beside me in his truck and handed me a book “read this, it was given to me, it’s a daily devotional and it really helped me, I think it’s time to pass it on to you.” We chatted for a while – and I met his adorable puppy – and then he drove off on his way.

I walked for a couple of minutes with the book and then thought – hmmm out of nowhere I was handed a daily devotional book. Perhaps I should see what today’s reading is.

And I read God’s answer to my prayer, and so I listened….

April 18

I once believed that after I prayed, it was my responsibility to do everything in my power to bring about the answer. Yet God taught me a better way and showed me that self-effort always hinders His work. He also revealed that when I prayed and had confident trust in Him for something, He simply wanted me to wait in an attitude of praise and do only what He told me. Sitting still, doing nothing except trusting in the Lord, causes a feeling of uncertainty, and there is often a tremendous temptation to take the battle into our own hands. 

We all know how difficult it is to rescue a drowning person who tries to help his rescuer, and it is equally difficult for the Lord to fight our battles for us when we insist on trying to fight them ourselves. It is not that God will not but that he cannot, for our interference hinders His work.

Spiritual forces cannot work while we are trusting earthly forces.

Often we fail to give God an opportunity to work, not realizing that it takes time for Him to answer prayer. It takes time for God to color a rose or to grow a great oak tree. And it takes time for Him to make bread from wheat fields. He takes the soil, then grinds and softens it. He enriches it and wets it with rain showers and with dew. Then He brings the warmth of life to the small blade of grass, later grows the stalk and the amber grain, and finally provides bread for the hungry. 

All this takes time. Therefore we sow the seed, till the ground, and then wait and trust until God’s purpose has been fulfilled. We understand this principle when it comes to planting a field, and we need to learn the same lesson regarding our prayer life. It takes time for God to answer our prayer. (Streams in the Desert for Graduates by LB Cowman)

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Lay it down 

I think I am finally at the point where I lay down some of the burden I am carrying to God and surrender it. There’s nothing more *I* can do now anyway, someone else is going to decide what is fair and just and we will both have to live with that. I am looking forward to that, we are never going to agree.  I don’t want to be carrying around all this hurt and anger anymore. I do want the chance to begin to build a new life.

Part of the reason I’ve struggled with the surrender is because I have the feeling that what will come after that will be sadness. I’ve done disbelief, betrayal, fear, anger, and now here I am – surrender and some sadness. But, what am I sad about really? Now that I know who he is, I don’t love him so I’m not sad about it being over. I’m not sad about the idea of starting a new life. I think I’m just sad about the end of a dream I had for our family. A dream that was never going to come true anyway. I think the sadness part is going to be relatively quick.

So, I’m going to lay it all down and surrender it over to my higher power. I know he feeds on my anger and hurt, I’ve seen his smug smile when he’s managed to upset me (and I’m not the only one who has noticed this). It seems to bring him some strange satisfaction to know he’s managed to make me feel insecure or upset. I don’t need to be fueling that anymore.

I want to walk into the life I’m living now with joy and gratitude. There is so much about the life I’m living now that I appreciate. I am surrounded by an awesome tribe of people, I live where I love, I am gaining confidence in the career I’m establishing, and I can smell horses from my front yard. It’s time to look forward into my happy future instead of looking back at a very painful past.

Today is kind of a whole happiness moment day. I spent quiet time working on my course, spent time visiting with my sister, walked the dog on a gloriously warm Sunday afternoon, and tonight the monsters and I are having a very special (and fun, fun, fun) cousins night. I have so much in my life to be happy about and I am incredibly grateful that I decided to look for a happiness moment in each and every day. I think about how much my joy has increased since I began this journey and it makes me smile. Life is good.

I love where I live

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At the swing set 

We spent part of the afternoon outside in the yard playing at the swing set. It was sunny and warm, a perfect Saturday afternoon. I love that I’m getting to know my niece and nephew on a more regular basis instead of only seeing them once a year. 

Hearing little girl squeals of push me higher auntie Melissa was my happiness moment today

  
As she was coming inside, my niece got very upset that her mommy had shut the door and was worried she wasn’t going to be able to get in. 

My sister and I laughed at that thought – she said: like I’ve ever not been there when she’s needed me I said: I know. She knows she can trust you completely and yet there’s such great doubt. Which is when I had to look upwards and say ahhhhh get it God. That’s how You feel when I doubt You. Point taken. Have faith. 
Lift you hands lift your eyes in the storm is where you’ll find Me. And where you are I’ll hold your heart, I’ll hold your heart. (Casting Crowns)

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A man like that

Yesterday I ran into my old riding coach at the grocery store. I hadn’t seen her since I was a teenager, and after giving her a hug we had a wonderful (albeit short) visit. She asked me how my parents were doing and I did the big sigh and had to tell her about dad dying last year. She said she was so sorry to hear that and what a great loss, and then told me that her husband had passed away a couple of years ago. I did the same condolence thing back to her.

Then she explained how she was having such a difficult time getting over him. She felt that it was taking her longer than other people to adjust to life without him. She said that she’d been telling this to a friend and they’d responded with of course it’s taking you a long time to get over him. You don’t just get over a man like that. And then she looked at me with sad eyes and said Your dad was a man like that. She is right. Those kind of men, if you are fortunate enough to have them in your lives, you don’t just get over. We are both fortunate to have had men like that in our lives. What I remember of her husband is that he was a caring, gentle soul. 

I was asked recently what I’m looking for in my next mate. My answer was (aside from wanting someone who is kind) that I want the type of person that when a fire breaks out they work with me to put it out, and then help me to rebuild. Instead of…. oh say…. pouring kerosene on the house, throwing a lit match, running away, and then after the fact blaming me because that they lost their home. Inner strength and sound moral character. A man like that.

Last year we were at a family birthday party in celebration of three of the men in our extended family. The wife of the man hosting the party (and one of the birthday boys – a man who was one of Dad’s closest friends back in the day) stood up and gave a little speech. She talked about how she had kiddingly referred to her husband as an old geezer  and then was promptly informed that that was not a kind term to use. She responded in her speech with a definition of an old geezer that would make any decent man proud to be one

Geezers” (slang for an old man) are easy to spot:

At sporting events, during the playing of

the National Anthem, Old Geezers hold

their caps over their hearts and sing without

embarrassment. They know the words and

believe in them. Old Geezers remember

World War I, the Depression, World

War II, Pearl Harbor, Guadalcanal, Normandy

and Hitler. They remember the Atomic Age,

the Korean War, The Cold War, the Jet Age

and the Moon Landing, not to mention Vietnam.

If you bump into an Old Geezer on the sidewalk,

he will apologize. If you pass an Old Geezer

on the street, he will nod or tip his cap to a

lady. Old Geezers trust strangers and are

courtly to women. Old Geezers hold the door

for the next person and always, when walking,

make certain the lady is on the inside for protection.

Old Geezers get embarrassed if someone curses

in front of women and children and they don’t like

any filth on TV or in movies. Old Geezers have

moral courage. They seldom brag unless it’s

about their grandchildren.

It’s the Old Geezers who know our great country

is protected, not by politicians or police, but by

the young men and women in the military serving their country.

This country needs Old Geezers with their decent

values. We need them now more than ever.

Thank God for Old Geezers!

The men who were being celebrated are all of that and more. I feel so honoured to come from a family that produces men of such character.

I deserve to be loved by a man like that.

The old geezers described are men like that.

My dad was a man like that.

I am raising a man like that. I can see it in how he treats other people. How he stops to open doors for others, how he asks for extra change to buy coffee for seniors, how he picks up and cuddles babies, how he laughs, how he stands up for his sister, how he plays, how he loves. He is well on his way to being a man like that.

My happiness moment today, watching Jacob hold open the door at Tim Horton’s for an older gentleman, greeting him with full eye contact and a smile. When given the choice,  Jacob always chooses to be kind, he chooses to be a man like that.

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