Tag Archives: family

happiness

Goldfish monsters 

We had a very unexpected laugh until your gut hurts happiness moment last night. 

I had finally got both kids in bed and was lying in my own bed reading Facebook. Yes, I know it goes against all my Ayurvedic advice, but sometimes that happens. Anyway, I came across this post:

  
and for some reason it struck me as so funny I couldn’t stop laughing. Both kids started yelling from their rooms asking what I was doing and wanting to know what was so funny. I couldn’t stop laughing long enough to answer. All I could get out was goldfish….bwaahaaaa….goldfish

They both came into my room and I let them read the meme. Pretty soon they were both laughing as hard as I was. 
Then Jacob says you know what my brain does when I go to bed? I’ll be lying there almost asleep, I’ll say “ok good night brain it’s time to shut down now” and my brain says “you know what you haven’t thought about for a long time? Monsters under your bed”. 
I asked him if he needed me to get my pillowcase and go monster hunting like I used to do when he was 2. We all laughed again and then laughed about monster goldfish smiling back from under the bed. 

We lay on my bed and laughed for almost a half hour. This is what this quest for happiness has brought us. Enough of the fear and pain is gone that now we can embrace the joy. It was an awesome late night happiness moment. 

Standard
happiness

Oh Mickey…

I was fortunate enough to be in the right place at the right time this afternoon and watched a newborn calf make its way into the world. For me a birth is always such a reminder of the joy and miracles that new beginnings bring. They are a thing to celebrate. 
This afternoon the kids and I had to go to town for a doctors appointment. On the way there was a homeless man standing with a sign asking for help. I got Jacob to reach into my wallet and pull out $5 for us to give to him. He was so touched and seemed  so happy to receive our gift. Because kindness is contagious the next few cars behind us also rolled down windows and gave him something as well. It was a good reminder that when you can’t take it anymore, it’s time to give   The world can always use more kindness. Now more than ever I felt that  there but for the grace of God go I. I am so grateful for my tribe who have helped us out. We are also in a time of new beginnings and there is a lot to rejoice in. 

  
On the way home Jenna cranked up Mickey by Toni Basil and we smiled and sang songs the whole drive. It is a wonderful happiness moment to realize that we are happy just because we are alive and together.

Standard
happiness

Time to give 

 I’ve been feeling really overwhelmed lately. I’m trying not to be, but I am. Then I think of what the last year has brought. A move home, time spent with my dad as he prepared for his death, intense grieving, being cut off my mr x, filing for divorce, discovering absolutely brutal lies and betrayals on the part of mr x, having to figure out at age 45 how to support me and the kids after being home for over 11 years, learning to recover from years spent with a narcissist. Throw in being a full time single parent, helping my kids through their intense emotional feelings about all of the same issues, and helping my mom out, and it’s no freaking wonder I’m overwhelmed. 

I was sitting quietly contemplating this feeling earlier today. What could I do to lessen the feeling of suffocating? Everywhere I turn there’s someone who needs me I thought, sometimes I just want to spend a day in my Pjamas and read a book. But that is not my life right now. 

Then I came across this quote 
“I can’t take it anymore”

“Then give”

Yes. That’s what I need to do. Give. Keep giving. Because that’s always easy to do when one is feeling overwhelmed. Sigh. 

Then as God does, He showed me what He meant. 

The joystick on mom’s chair broke today and I was trying to fix it. My mom has always been a huge support to me, but these last few months after mr x withdrew finances, she and my uncle and aunt have been what have prevented the kids and I from being destitute and homeless. She needed my help (and she’s overwhelmed too) so I gave it 

Then when my help proved to be futile I called the person we all call when we need help – my cousin. Another person who goes flat out around the clock. And without a second thought she was down helping me out (and by helping I mean she fixed it). 

Much as we are all overwhelmed and stressed out, that act of being able to give to someone – kindness, love, money, support- it makes you feel so much better.  Life lesson learned today. 

As an awesome happiness moment we had a community shower today. I am so blessed that I come from his huge tribe of people. It has been such a blessing to be brought back into the fold. The kind of happiness I’m finding now goes deep into the core of my soul. I have freed myself of the fear I lived in for so long and am able more and more every day to embrace the joy and bliss of the life I am living.   

Standard
happiness, law of attraction, narcissist

Cousins of the round table 

I feel so fortunate that I was blessed at birth with ready made best friends in the form of my sister and cousins. They don’t all live as close to me as I’d like, but those relationships stand the test of time. No matter how much time goes past or what happens I know there’s this awesome tribe of people that I belong to. The same thing goes for my kids. They are a part of this awesome extended family we have that stretches across Alberta, BC, The Yukon, Ontario, New York, Italy, and Texas. Both sides of my family have such a strong bond, and I appreciate that more and more as time goes on.

Tonight we were treated to supper by one of my cousins in Cochrane between guitar lessons and youth group. This round table of cousins worked out so perfectly, each one of us had a friend to sit with – she has a girl and a boy close to the same age as my kids. Sitting around and laughing with this beautiful part of my tribe was a happiness moment for the day that will warm my heart for a long time.

I feel kind of like we are the Whos down in Whoville. The grinch may have stolen our Christmas, but he can’t steal our love and joy. We will stand firmly in our tribe singing our songs of happiness no matter what kind of hate and destruction he sends our way. Although I will never forgive the hurt that he has inflicted on us, I’m caring less and less about the fact that he’s trying to destroy me. He can’t do that. I am getting stronger and stronger with each and every day.

Every time I have needed something on this journey it has been provided for me, and I have faith and trust in the fact that this also will turn out for the best. Just because he says I’m worthless and stupid does not make it so. In fact, this journey has taught me what incredible strength and love I possess. I have learned so many things over the past few months that have really shown to me that all those hateful things I was taught by him about myself aren’t true. I came across this wonderful quote this morning and it taught me exactly how I will look at his behaviour as I move ahead through this divorce. I think it’s important to talk about it because there’s so much shame put on the person who is being used by a narcissist. It is possible to get out of that relationship and move on to a happy life which is what we all deserve. With every step I take he’s more and more just someone I used to know.

Standard
happiness

A person of worth

I woke up this morning feeling a little stressed and uneasy about where I am and where I’m going. We were supposed to have an emergency support hearing tomorrow which we have now had to put off until next week. The financial stress that he continues to put on the kids and I is unforgivable and unbelievable.  I have faith that it will all work out, and I know he’s just doing this to hurt me but still…. Even at the worst of our time together I never imagined he was capable of such deliberate betrayal and  cruelty. 

I was having mixed feelings about what it is that I will be doing next. The unknown is always scary and I feel like there has been so much unknown lately. My greatest joy in life so far has been staying home with the kids and helping to guide them into the awesome people that they are. It’s been a difficult and important job as well. I’ve been either the primary or sole parent for their entire lives,  and our relationship is as important to them as it is to me. They look to me for stability and security and after all the trauma we have been through that’s a job I don’t take lightly. 

This morning as I was getting breakfast ready for the kids they started talking about how much they loved all the homemade food I make to send to school with them. They laughed at how their friends in Roanoke would get very excited when I made banana bread and ask the kids for samples of the baked treats. It made me happy to hear that the hours spent in the kitchen are appreciated and enjoyed by them. 

Jenna has had a lot of leg pain after a skating fall and then a trampoline collision so instead of dropping her at school I took her to urgent care in Cochrane – thank goodness for this place the staff is awesome. 

After three and a half hours and some X-rays they determined that her leg was not broken, but that there was some soft tissue damage and muscle bruising. They told her to stay on crutches for the next few days and rest a bit and then she will be as good as new. Her doctor was amazing. He took a lot of time with Jenna and made sure she was comfortable and understood what the diagnosis was before going on to his next patient. 

What really impressed me with this doctor though was his consult with the patient before us. I don’t know all that was going on – I was trying not to listen, but there was only a curtain between her and us – but she was quite obviously upset and in a lot of pain. The medication that had been prescribed was not working and she was at the end of her rope trying to cope. The doctor was explaining to her that simply upping her medication or giving her a different, stronger kind was not going to solve the problem. 

As you can imagine, this was very upsetting to her. I could relate having had some bad chronic pain issues in my past. I heard him slow down his speaking and using a very  gentle tone said: it’s important to remember that you are so much more than this pain you are feeling. There’s so much more than just the body. You have a wonderful soul, and spirit and it is who you really are. This pain is just something you are going through. I wish I had had a doctor talk to me like that when  I was dealing with my pain. Actually my chiropractor talked a lot like that and it’s a reason why I am forever grateful to him for all that he’s done for me. 

I felt like bursting through their curtain and saying “Ayurveda can help you” I thought of how broken I was when I started learning about it and how far I have come now. It has seen me out of debilitating anxiety and pain, walked me through the death of my dad, and now is helping me stand strong when the person who was supposed to be my soulmate has ended up being my worst attacker. I’ve talked before about how Ayurveda  has saved my life and I don’t mean that lightly. It literally saved me and has made me so much stronger and better. 

While I was sitting with Jenna I got to thinking how grateful I am that I have this job of being home with the kids. Not only has it been a huge blessing for me, but it has provided immense security and comfort for the kids. My mind wandered to how unfair it was that Mr X has no respect or gratitude for how hard I have worked and what I have given up.  As my mind started going down that ugly spiral that would lead nowhere good, I picked up my book and did some reading. The first phrase I came to was this:

  

It’s true. Just because he thinks I have no value does not make it true. The reality is that I’m still a good person, parent, friend, sister,  daughter- I have worth. He has spent years trying to erase and devalue my worth, but that does not make it true. 

My happiness moment was appreciating that I am able to be there for the kids whenever they need me, and remembering that I am a person who has worth. It was also a good reminder of all the good that I can bring to the world by sharing my knowledge of Ayurveda. 

Standard
happiness

The swans (happiness bonus)

I made Jenna join me for forced family fun time this evening and we went for a walk along the ridge. Although it took some encouraging to get her there, once she got going she didn’t want to stop. 

It was a perfect Alberta spring evening. The mountains were sharp, the cows and calves were eating supper, the deer were out, and we were joined by the visiting swans. I love where we live. 

The naughty dotted dog discovering the deer 

The mountains   
  
The swans.  

Being on this ridge always makes me feel so much closer to dad. I miss him incedibly. The more we get into spring, the more I realize how long he’s been gone. It makes me happy to walk in a place that brought him such joy. 

Standard
happiness

The pirate and the ladybug 

After sharing a bit of my marriage story in yesterday’s blog, it got me thinking about some of the good memories I have of our time spent as travelling gypsies. And there were some good times. A lot of my time was spent alone with the kids in Virginia, but in Rhode Island and Quebec we made friends pretty quickly and had some great times and good laughs. I still hold many of those friendships made as some of my dearest. 

When we were living in Quebec and Jacob was about 4, we were at church one morning during ladybug season. This meant the inside of the church was alive with ladybugs. The kids were called to the front for the children’s sermon and during that time Jacob made a ladybug friend. He put her on his finger and proudly walked all the way to the back of the church where we were sitting, waving his finger with the ladybug on it as he went. The only problem was the ladybug was on his middle finger. So he essentially walked all the way through church flipping the bird to the entire congregation. Thank goodness they were a pretty easy going crowd and the saw the humour in it. 

I told the kids this story once again his afternoon and we all had a great laugh thinking of little Jacob flipping everyone off. 

Of course then Jenna wanted a story about her. So keeping in the ladybug theme I told them of our first Halloween in Rhode Island. 

Jacob dressed as a pirate and Jenna, who was only 2 at the time, went as a ladybug. I got her all dressed up and was putting the finishing touches on her while she stood on the bathroom counter. Suddenly she leapt off the counter projecting herself as far out in the air as she could. Fortunately I was standing right there and I reached out to grab her. Once I had her safely in my arms I asked her what she was doing. She responded with I’m a ladybug now, so I can fly. 

Stories like these are the reason I will be forever thankful that I was home with the kids for all these years. They have made some of the happiest moments of my life and they’re the moments that have bonded us together as a family. It’s not the big things, but these little,  everyday ones that make the memories you hold onto through life. My happiness moment, sharing fun stories with my monsters. 

  

Standard
happiness

Easter’s Boxing Day 

If you read my blog regularly or know me in real life, you’ll know that Boxing Day is my favourite day of the year. It’s the day after all the excitement and chaos of Christmas. The day when we can just sit around, eat leftovers, play with toys, and visit with each other. 

Today feels like the Boxing Day of Easter. After three days of family gatherings and meals, we are a smaller gathering today quietly hanging around the house. There’s nowhere to go and nothing to do besides visit and enjoy each other’s company. 

These small quiet moments are the ones that make some of the greatest memories in life. 

I’m lying here listening to Jacob and his uncle who are deeply involved in a conversation about Star Wars. People are flaked out in chairs and couches napping or visiting (I’m one of the couch people). This is what it means to be safely back home in the loving arms of the family. We have the security and comfort of being with people whom we love. 

More and more I’m feeling able to just have faith and trust that all will be looked after. I’m remembering that the kids and I are safe. I’m also realizing that I don’t have to live in fear and upset because of the disrespectful and pain-seeking choices of someone else. Every step I’m taking is in the direction of this new life which is filled with promises of love and hope and happiness. I just have to keep faith that I’m on the right path and remember that we will be ok because we are living honest, loving lives. 

The happiness moment today is flaked out family time. 

  

Standard
happiness

The Easter table 

The house was full of family and laughter. We ate until it hurt and then ate some more. It was a great Easter. There is so much to rejoice in. 

It helps me put into perspective how small my issues are in comparison to the joy of being back here with the people who love us. Knowing that the kids and I are here, safe, loved, and where we can give love back – there’s something to be grateful for. 

Easter – remembering that Christ has risen. That we are loved and perfect children of God. My happiness moment. 

A beautiful, bright, ray of light shining on mom and Luke during church.    

Nana and her grandkids. Having cousins is awesome.


   Easter egg hunt 

Standard
happiness

Pre-Easter

We had a family warm up to Easter supper here tonight. This is our last first holiday that we will celebrate without dad. It’s inconceivable that it has been so long. 

Yet, the house was filled with family laughing and that is exactly how it is supposed to be. There is the promise of new beginnings and hope for great things to come. 

The happiness moment today – laughing with family in grandma’s kitchen, and then watching their cool uncle play with my kiddos. Thank goodness we are home. 

Standard