Tag Archives: fear

happiness

Freedom – the release from fear

Behind every weak-ass man stands a broken woman. Today I am stepping out of that broken shadow and claiming my freedom.

I spent part of the morning talking with my lawyer. Mr. X isn’t paying, isn’t going to pay, and the state of Virginia could take a few months to force him to pay the court ordered support I fought so hard to get. If you know this man and he has told you any differently, I would be more than happy to show proof that although he did tell me he was sending payment he has not since March, and until he is forced to he will not. He won’t pay Alberta, he won’t pay Virginia, and he won’t pay me.

This is what scorched earth divorce looks like. In the process of attempting to destroy me, he is leaving his children destitute. This is how a narcissist rolls.

I sat with this information for a while this morning. I prayed, I cried, I lay down and did some energy work, and I read. Here is what I realized:

Over and over in my journals I talk about how as long as we are financially dependent on him he uses that power to keep us his victims. This is why the healing process is so long and painful, because the wounds get ripped open again as soon as they start to close up. We, and in particular my son, keep hoping and wanting him to be someone he clearly is not. He has shown us exactly who he is and it’s time to believe him. The fact is that although he has left us without any financial support at all, we are finally free from him. The kids don’t want to see or have contact with him (and haven’t for a long time), I have blocked contact and anything that needs to be discussed must go through the lawyers, and now I don’t expect him to fulfill his financial obligations. I am free from wanting anything from him. I have no more expectations, he no longer has the power to hurt me -besides following through on threats to hurt us, he has done his worst – there’s nothing left to scare me with. I have been afraid of this man for so long, afraid of his rage and his anger. I let him lie about me, cheat on me, and steal from me. There’s nothing left.

I looked around at my life and where we are living. We are in a house that has held generations of my family. It is filled with love and peace, the feeling in this house is so safe and welcoming. We couldn’t be in a better place to heal. I look outside and I see the barn, I see my horse – my spirit horse that I prayed so hard for and who is helping me heal so much – and I smile. My mom is here, my family is here, my lifelong friends are here. There is so much love surrounding us it is humbling. I would not be able to keep going if my mom wasn’t here to help me out, she shows me every single day what unconditional love is and I am so incredibly grateful.

I don’t know what the next steps look like on this path, but I know we will be ok. God has kept us safe every step so far and I have faith that He will continue to do so. I had to have a chat with the kids tonight and tell them what was going on. The boy hurts – he said so now we know… he’s never going to change. I give up. And the girl said this is why I walked away years ago. I’ve learned from him to walk away from a bad situation and never look back. Wise words from that little one. They are brave souls and they will work through this like we have worked through everything else.

Days like this are when I am grateful I started this happiness blog – it has taught me that in every moment there can be happiness. I believe that this one is a gift. It may not be happening the way I would have chosen, but we are getting our freedom. Fully and truly.

There’s nothing left, and in this empty space of nothing I’m discovering that it’s filled with love and faith. I’ve read a few times that the absence of love is fear – so I guess the reverse is true too. My greatest fear has been realized and in walking through the fear of being left with nothing I’m discovering a huge space filled with love and faith. It’s God happiness – that’s big stuff.

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Can’t catch me

I had a crash course in determination and facing fear today thanks to my lovely equine.

When I got Drishti the girl told me that he was super easy to catch and that he was at the bottom of the pecking order in his field. Well he used to be super easy to catch, but lately he has decided to make it a bit more of a challenge for me. The other day he ran away from me, and when I went to the head of the herd (Jackson) to catch him, Drishti came at him and head butted him until he also ran away. I eventually caught Jackson and immediately Drishti got so jealous he couldn’t stand it and let me catch him.

Today when I went out the same thing happened, he ran away, except this time he changed things up when I went to catch Jackson. I was just about to put on the halter and Drishti came charging up and pushed at Jackson with his chest until Jackson finally gave up and moved away. Interestingly Drishti never had his ears pinned or looked annoyed, it was like he thought he was playing a really un-fun-for-mom game. Finally I did the same thing as before- caught Jackson, had Drishti get all jealous, and caught him.

I really missed my grandma’s old dog who would chase the horses into the corral saving me hours of running up and down the field trying to catch stubborn ponies in my childhood (*cough* Pirate *cough*).

He was a jerk, I had to lunge him for a good 15 minutes to get him to calm down then I saddled him up and took him out in the field. He felt a little spooky (he never spooks) and suddenly the other horses galloped by in the next field. Drishti curled into a little ball of stress and had a momentary freak out that fortunately didn’t turn into a bucking fest.

I pulled him back to a walk, got us both under control and had to think for a few seconds about what I wanted to do. Part of me wanted to just bail, he was not his usual chill self and I didn’t feel like getting hurt. The part of me that wants to get stronger and heal knew that if I gave up I would be scared again. So, I made him do work – we did circles, we worked on bending, we did  some transitions. He was tired when we were done, and I felt happy. Happy I had faced a fear, happy because when I am riding my spirit sings.

It’s an interesting space we are in right now, this between time as we wait for my lawyer and the US system to force Mr. X to start making his court ordered payments again. It baffles me the lack of conscience this man has, but it’s been a good reminder that he just doesn’t care. At all. About anything. And along with the fear, there is a certain kind of freedom that comes from knowing that I must give up any expectations of him ever doing the right thing for his kids. It’s a painful lesson, and one I seem to have had to learn over and over, but I think I’ve got it now.

His life is so hard 

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Dad’s ice cream

I have had some significant challenges presented to me courtesy of Mr. X in the last week or so, and have had to spend some time figuring out how to deal with them. It’s essentially been the culmination of my greatest fears, and now I have to decide how I am going to proceed.

I want to scream, hide in fear, cry, and yell about the injustices. But, I have realized a few things: he does not care, he becomes happier knowing he causes me pain, my pain does nothing to aid my healing, and one last thing that I read about today:

There are but two directions you can take, while time remains and choice is meaningful. For never will another road be made except the way to Heaven. You but choose whether to go toward Heaven, or away to nowhere. There is nowhere else to choose. (A course in miracles)

I continue to work hard on the forgiveness, faith, and healing stuff. And I have massive challenges thrown in my path that force me to chose which road I want to take. For a long time I wanted to take the road to God, but was so fearful, angry, and lost that I would fall off the path. But, it’s true – there are only two choices – either I chose to continue to heal and learn to forgive, or I don’t.

So, I’m going to walk ahead in faith.

This is how I walked towards Heaven today:

I thanked God for my mom who without a word stepped up, stepped in, and helped me

I read

I prayed

I meditated

I talked with girlfriends in my tribe

I hung with Drishti

I thanked God we are here and safe

I ate Dad’s ice cream

Dad used to make us his favourite dessert when he was alive – it’s one of my yummy childhood memories. I’m stuck between Dad’s ice cream and Grandma’s cinnamon toast for happy comfort food memories. Dad would take vanilla ice cream, put on real maple syrup, and then add some salted peanuts – fancy right? But, like the cinnamon toast the magic was in the simplicity and the love that was behind the treat.

And I sat with the feelings of insecurity and fear I am experiencing. Then I looked around. We are all safe, we are home, my daughter is playing with her cousin, my son is running around in his Chewbacca onesie laughing, I have them, I have my family and friends, I have Drishti, and I have developed this entirely different relationship with God.  All of that is happiness. Real happiness that comes from within, that comes from the Divine.

And it’s springtime in Alberta which reminds me that there are possibilities of new beginnings, new ways of doing things, and that miracles happen all around us.

This is one of my Dad’s photos from the year before he died of our “springtime flower”.

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Riding on the buckle 

I realized today as I was tacking up Drishti that the only thing worse than being afraid of riding would be giving into that fear and being too afraid to ride.

It wasn’t that long ago that I was afraid of everything. I feel like over the last few years all I’ve done is face my fears, stand up to them, walk through them. Honestly, I’m kind of tired of it.

We went out in the field, I climbed my way up in the saddle, and off we went. My first instinct is to have a good, steady contact on the reins. Part of that is my English riding training where contact is a good thing, but the need to hold onto his mouth – that is fear. Drishti is not a fan of it, but I’m not ripping on his face so he’s taken a quieter, sneakier approach to getting me to let go. The longer we walk the more he stretches his head out. He will stop every once in a while and take big, long looks all around – which could be taken as curiosity, but I’m starting to realize it’s a very effective way for him to get longer reins.

I thought about how we are building this new relationship and how it will only work on trust. I know him well enough to know that at a walk he’s not going to buck and bolt on me, so I got to thinking – why aren’t I giving him his head more? I’m not schooling, we are just walking around – why aren’t I giving in. And bam! the reins went to the buckle.

And we just chilled and walked around the field – and it was happiness.

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Fearful living, hopeful living

I have a confession to make – riding Drishi scares the crap out of me. Not because of him – he is awesome – but because of me. When I get on him I realize how my first reaction to a situation is fear. I’m scared he’ll take off, I’m scared he’ll buck me off, I’m scared I’ll just fall off, I’m scared he’ll trip and we  will crash… basically I’m scared of getting hurt. Just like in the rest of my life – I’m scared of getting hurt.

Drishti is awesome, he is exactly what I prayed for even though I didn’t know all the details when I was doing the praying. I prayed for heaven to give me a big, beautiful horse who was still green enough I could put some schooling time on – one that I could ride out in the fields here but could also teach some things to. He is green and certainly could do with some schooling lessons… but make no mistake, the one doing the teaching here is Drishti.

I am learning so much from him.

A few years ago when I was in the pits of my dark night of the soul, my anxiety was so bad that I could barely function. Just doing the bare minimum to get through the day took all the bravery and strength I had and I think it’s important for me to remember that as I think of how I’m learning to face fears while riding. I have already experienced all the big things I was afraid could happen in my life in the last couple of years, so I find it interesting that these smaller fears can be so powerful. But life happens in the small moments and I want to make sure mine are filled with hope and peace instead of fear.

I was riding today and poor Drishti was upset. His friends are gone for the day and he was feeling quite sorry for himself being all alone. I also haven’t ridden him in a week and what he really wanted to do was go for a big long gallop across the field (not happening). I rode him around the field and really paid attention to how he was. He was looking at everything – cows over there, dogs underfoot, tractor over here… lots to look at. But he just kept walking along – he’s pretty much the same all the time. Me on the other hand was more like will he spook at the tractor? what if when he puts his head down to rub his leg he then grabs the bit and takes off?  (thanks to some awesome childhood ponies this fear is real) What if he bolts back to the barn? Meanwhile Drishti is still walking along looking at the world.

Hmmmmm

It got me thinking about trust. The two of us are working on building an extremely close relationship that has to be built on trust. Does he trust me? I think so. Do I trust him? Apparently not so much. Have I ever done anything to betray his trust? Not really, but I hold onto his mouth a lot more than I should afraid he’ll bolt which shows a lack of trust. Has he ever done anything to betray mine? Besides that one time when he took off with a couple of  happy bucks? No. And I totally got the happy bucks – he’s a horse, he was having fun, it was a beautiful spring day.

The trust issue is mine.

What I love about this horse – aside from the fact that he’s an amazing gift from heaven, that my soul is complete now that I have a horse again, and that he’s so incredibly cute – is that he’s teaching me how to trust completely and to let go of my fear. Learning how to reprogram how I approach my life and relationships – this is happiness. I love this guy.

I’ve been redefining happiness over the last few days with the understanding that I am now at the place that I need to be searching for ways to have happiness part of my life all the time and  for no reason at all – just to have happiness be my way of living in every moment. I started this blog needing to find one happy moment in every day to give myself hope that I could have more happy moments. I think I’m ready for more – more hope, more happiness, more love.

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Holding on and letting go Drishti style

Something I have been working on for years is finding the balance between holding on and letting go. Drishti decided I needed a lesson today on how it is important to know when to let go when what I want to do is hold on because of fear. I’m so tired of fear holding me back.

He’s 10 but he’s still green in most ways – he wasn’t broke until he was 7 and spent most of the last 3 years doing trail rids or chilling in the field so when I bought him last week I was all excited about the idea of me being able to teach him things. He’s teaching me so much more.

Something I really like about him is that he’s got lots of pep but barely any spook. Something I have discovered about myself is that I now spook at everything.

Is that going to hurt us? Will he freak out when the geese fly out of the slough? Will he lose his mind when we ride away from the other horses? What if he bolts and bucks?  And a million other things.

Drishti on the other hand just goes along chill as can be checking things out. What he really wants to do is just run and run and have fun. But I, of course, am all there are so many holes in this field. Mole hills everywhere. This is the same field I broke my nose in when I was a kid – wouldn’t it be ironic if I broke it again. What if he takes off and I can’t stop him?

So we are trotting along and I’m grabbing at his bit (holding on) and he’s wanting to move out more and have some fun (just let go). But I’m holding and holding and he’s being so patient but also kind of done with me. He starts slowly pushing his neck further and further out getting the reins longer and longer  (a very sneaky way of getting me to let go) all the while making his trot a little faster and somehow managing to do a trot/canter thinking I won’t notice what he’s doing until finally he’s just cantering.

And suddenly I realize that by letting go of those reins I was finding freedom and having fun.  We were racing across the field, something I have wanted to do for years. I’ve dreamed about it, prayed for it, and almost missed being able to do it today because I wasn’t going to let go. And yet I was still holding on enough that if I needed to I could slow us down, keep us safe.

The balance of holding on and letting go Drishti style. He’s awesome.

I love looking through these ears.

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Cards and kids 

The boy and I ended up having some pretty intensive healing stuff happen today. We have an amazing support system of people here in town who are helping guide us to a better place. It amazes me how much stuff there is that seems to need to be addressed. For me it was a big chunk of my life but for them it was their entire lives. 

We were exhausted but knew we had done some big stuff. One thing we had agreed on was making sure our house returned to a place of love instead of one of fear. 

So when we came home we sat at the table and played cards all together for a couple of hours. We laughed, we discovered our competitive sides, we were reminded that I can’t bluff. It was fun – it is the way I want our family to be. Happiness. 

Love is going to win. 

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First day of spring 

I am so happy that today is the first day of spring. I love this season for many reasons (the biggest being that it means that the cold is hopefully on it’s way out), but this year I find more than ever I need the reminder that change is possible. I need to change how I am dealing with things. It seems that Mr. X plans on spending a lifetime trying to keep us in a place where we are insecure and fearful. We just got through the emotional  episode he created a few weeks ago and now are in a financial one where he is apparently refusing not only to pay for the ordered treatments for the kids, but also the support payment for this month.  It seems to be the one way he figures he has left to cause pain and chaos and he wants to push it until I break.

Except I’m not going to break again. The last few weeks have really made me realize that I need to strengthen my coping skills when it comes to him. I can’t allow this kind of chaos to reign in our home.

Obviously I can’t change who he is or how he rolls, but I sure can change how I deal with it. I think I have finally realized that no matter how much I hope or pray (and I have for years) that he will turn into someone I could trust or even just have a basic polite relationship with, that’s not going to happen. I hope I have anyway – it’s painful to want someone to turn into the kind of person you know they could be but to know it’s probably never going to happen.

But, here we are in a season of change. I get to decide how I am going to handle things as we move ahead. I am not going to spend the foreseeable future feeling insecure and afraid.

I was reminded in church yesterday that loved people know how to love and that it is important that we receive love so that we know how to give love. The main focus of our home has always been love, but somehow fear and anger got caught up inside of that and it changed things.

I need to make sure that our home is once again filled with love so that we can go out into the world and share love. We all need to know how to give and receive love. So, I am going to hand off my feelings of fear and anger to my higher power and to the people here who can deal with it, and I’m going to go back to loving. Part of stepping out of my fear is being able to stand up to him and not allow the way I am being treated to continue any longer. It’s not ok.

Happiness today is knowing that the season is changing and so am I. It’s been a long ass road.

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Spring forward 

It was beautiful outside today – for the first time in what feels like forever it was actually nice enough to go outside for a walk with my Dotted Dog. When I don’t do it on a regular basis, I forget how balancing just walking outside in nature is for my spirit.

I walked a path that holds so many memories for me – memories of my childhood, my horses, my dad. Usually when I do this walk I am filled with emotions about times past, in the last couple of years it has usually involved some tears as I pass by the spot where we scattered some of Dad’s ashes.

Today though, there were the old memories sitting there like old friend, but there was also a lot of looking forward in anticipation for the future. I was thinking about all the new footprints we will be leaving here as little memory banks. We have been working so hard these last few years to remove the unpleasantness of the past, it is really nice to be able to have reached a place where I can begin to look ahead with excitement and hope.

I am understanding that Mr. X will always try and send as much hate, chaos, and fear as he possibly can my way. That is just how life is going to be. But, I am learning better coping mechanisms – I am building a better support system – and my reactions are lessening. That allows me to be able to look ahead with joy more often than looking over my shoulder in fear.

Happiness was watching my happy, happy dog running all over the place, happiness was standing in this place I love so much and feeling that there are joyful things coming ahead.

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Eddie the Eagle – stronger than ever 

Today we took a trip back to Calgary 1988 and watched Eddie the Eagle soar once again. 

I sat at the hill years ago with my sister and my dad and watched as he jumped, and now almost 30 years later watched again with my daughter (and he jumped in his Olympic ski suit which was pretty damn impressive). 

It was a happiness moment for many reasons. It brought back great memories of the 88 Olympics – we were very fortunate and got to watch many events. We still tell stories of how we were mortified by our dad (he probably felt the same way about us), and it was fun to revisit those memories. 

It was special to share the event with my daughter. We watched the movie together and both of us found his story really inspiring. 

It was so heartwarming to see the reception he got from his Calgary fans. People yelling welcome back and we are so glad you are here. When he was getting ready to jump people were cheering his name. The fans were so excited to watch him jump, and he was grinning ear to ear, the happiness was contagious. In a culture where we seem so often to relish in watching one another fail, it was a delight to see a group of people who do earnestly wanted to see someone succeed. 

As he was going up the chairlift above us, he shook his fist over his head and with a huge smile yelled stronger than ever!!! He inspires me to be braver, to keep trying things that scare me, to do things I may not be good at, to chase my dreams. 

Not only was it happiness, but it was a lot of fun. Witnessing someone living their dharma with such joy is a gift. 

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