Tag Archives: gratitude

happiness

The slow road 

Sometimes I get frustrated by how long it is taking me to get my mojo back. I know part of it is impatience, part of it is the fact that that it has seriously been a long, slow road.  Like, I’ve been on this road for a few years now. I just want to be stronger and have my zing back already. I miss that version of me. 

I guess what it also shows is how completely broken I was before I started reaching for better things. When I remember that, and think about where I was, then all I am is proud and excited at how far I’ve come in my journey to make a better life. The best thing is it’s made a better life for those around me too. 

The kids are reaching for the stars while learning what it means to feel firmly grounded and supported. 

Both of my kids are fascinated by these happiness moments I’ve been watching for in the last few months. Often we will be driving to town, or sitting at the dinner table and one of them will start asking what our happiness moment was today. An awesome byproduct of me looking for mine is that they look for theirs now too. 

Tonight I was sitting on the couch contemplating life and Jenna sat down beside me. She asked me what my happiness moment was, and I wasn’t sure yet. Then she cuddled up beside me and we just sat there. Voilà! Instant happiness moment. 

The good thing about being on this long and slow road is that I’m able to take the time to soak in these little happiness moments. The little ones that all add up and make life. 

We took the long slow road home today in the snow and came across one of our four legged friends trying to hide on us. 

  
Being able to slow down and breathe in nature is my antidepressant and anti- anxiety. 

  
So, I will breathe deeply and dig down and keep on this long and slow road. At least I’m headed in the right direction. I’m headed home. 

Standard
happiness

Gratitude for the doctors, hidden happiness

My poor Jennabean is still sick. She just keeps coughing and coughing and nothing I do seems to make it any better. We have been everywhere and seen everyone and the consensus seems to be the same yes, she’s sick, that cough is terrible, aside from that she’s healthy and there’s nothing to worry about. We have tried every medication we can think of and nothing is working, there’s nothing we can do besides wait it out.

Which leaves me feeling helpless and frustrated, and poor Jenna sore, tired, and sick. But, she’s such a good patient. All she can do is lie around and cough and cough. But, she stays so positive and doesn’t complain (at least not like I would).

My happiness moment today comes hidden inside my gratitude for the doctors at the Alberta Children’s Hospital. First of all, I’m so grateful that we are back in Alberta and I don’t have to shell out hundreds of dollars to take her to the doctor. We were able to see the regular doctor and a couple of specialists today while we were at the ACH and it was all covered by Alberta Health. That is a huge thing for me to be grateful for.

I’m grateful for the doctors and nurses who looked after her today. There were a few who really went the extra mile to try and make her as comfortable and happy as possible. It makes me happy to have such loving caregivers in our hospital.

I’m also grateful that even though she’s really uncomfortable and feeling crappy, that she’s not sick – like ill. She will somehow get rid of this cough and then she will go back to being my happy little Monkey. They were very thorough in making sure that there was nothing else more serious wrong with her. We just have to figure out how to kick this cough’s butt.

Any prayers, positive light, good vibes, or happy thoughts for my little bean are appreciated. She’s got a lot of love around her and I have faith that soon she will be back to her regular self.

Standard
happiness

Eat, Pray, Love, Big Magic

Elizabeth Gilbert’s book Eat, Pray, Love was gifted to me by a friend in Montreal when we were in the process of moving to Rhode Island. It was a time of huge transition for me and I devoured the book, for the first time really understanding that one could seek out their own path to happiness.

I was still in the mindset that my happiness would come from the outside, the concept that it was an inside job was one that would take me years to fully grasp. I mean, honestly, even now I sometimes wish for a magic pill that would instantly make me happy, thin, and rich. I had two small children at the time and I was so insanely jealous of this woman who could quit her life and travel the world to find her happiness. I mean, I loved the book, I learned a lot from it, but I wanted her happiness journey, and I knew there was no way that was possible for me in that moment and time.

I’ve pulled the book out a few times over the years and reread it. It’s still one of my favourite books, and I love reading about how she made her life a happier one.  My understanding of my own path to happiness has changed as I’ve grown and I get now that no matter what, my happiness journey would be different than hers because I’m my own unique individual (as is she). But, the very idea that we can take a time out and find ourselves has stayed with me as time has passed.

On this amazing path that I am on now I am so blessed because things continue to come to me at the exact time that I need them. Like magic or something. I understand how I’m attracting better and better things into my life, but I’m also learning to have faith that even when I can’t see those things that they are there for me. Faith in that which I can see is easy, faith in the invisible has been much more of a learning process.

I wrote yesterday about feeling like I’m on the edge of this cliff ready to jump off into a new spiritual quest. Elizabeth Gilbert’s new book Big Magic reached the edge of my consciousness yesterday (and then into my Kindle),  and is answering questions about issues that I’ve been using as excuses to take the leap. It’s like she knew what I’ve been sitting here fretting about and wrote a book just for me.

Fear has often been a key decision maker in my life. I have either done or not done countless things because I’ve been driven by fear. In the time that I’ve dedicated my life understanding my anxiety and letting go of those panic feelings, I’ve still struggled about what to do about my deepest darkest fears. I want to stand on this cliff, drop all my fears and leap fearless into the exciting, unknown, future. But… the fear… it holds me back…

She offered a completely new perspective on how to handle this fear. In fact she says: Creativity is a path for the brave, yes, but it is not a path for the fearless, and it’s important to recognize the distinction. Bravery means doing something scary. Fearlessness means not even understanding what the word scary means.

I hadn’t thought about the difference between being brave and being fearless. I have discovered in the past couple of years that I am, in fact, quite brave…. and also that I am not fearless. So… hmmm… maybe that’s a good thing?

She goes on to talk about how when she begins a new creative endeavour, she takes fear along for the ride; accepting that it is part and parcel of a new beginning:

So, I don’t try to kill off my fear. I don’t go to war against it. Instead I make all that space for it. Heaps of space. Every single day. …. It seems to me that the less I fight my fear, the less it fights back. If I can relax, fear relaxes too. In fact, I cordially invite fear to come along with me everywhere I go.

I was reading my book feeling completely dumbstruck. So…. I could technically take this leap of faith while taking fear along with me then? It isn’t a personal failure that I’m still scared of stuff (failing being one of them)? I just have to make room for my fear, but not let it be in the driver’s seat making life decisions for me?

I decided a while ago that I was done making fear based decisions. But then it was almost like I was too afraid to make a decision just in case I was making one out of fear… (vicious cycle – I over think things too much). I think maybe I could convince fear to just sit in the back seat and come along for the ride, but maybe he could be a bit quieter? And he absolutely needs to let me be in charge of the map.

My happiness moment today was having the time to sit and read some of this book. To absorb in what she was saying that was speaking to exactly where I am in life. I am *so* close to leaping off. In fact I think I may have already let go with one foot and the other one is just about to fly…

 

Standard
happiness

Safety, grounding, flying free

I have been thinking lately of the irony of the feelings of safety, security, and grounding that I get from living in this old house that has looked over so many generations of my family. Getting grounded and centred back into my self has been a huge part of my healing journey. But the fact remains that while I find comfort here, this home only exists because of the adventurous will of my ancestors. Had they not had the strength to leap out of their comfort zones and abandon all the safety and security in their lives for an unknown, pioneer life in the West; I would not have this house to sit in.

I’ve been feeling lately like I’m sitting on the edge of a huge cliff. I’ve been climbing and climbing for a couple of years now getting to the place where I do feel some grounding and safety. Now that I’m (kind of) there it’s like I’m being asked to free fall off into the unknown. I don’t like heights and I don’t like falling. Yet that is what I’m being called to do.

Unlike my ancestors, my adventure quest isn’t asking me to pack up and head out on a physical adventure. In fact, that is what the last 10 years of my life have been about. Those years almost lead to the complete destruction of my soul, but also to the building up of myself into a stronger, more humble, better version of myself.

The quest that I’m being called to take now is an adventure of my inner soul. It’s scary and I have a thousand reasons why I’m not prepared for it, but still…. I’m being called. I can feel the past couple of weeks that I’ve been edging closer and closer to my free fall off into this journey of faith.

Today’s happiness moment was a visit with my cousin and her husband. They live just far enough away that we don’t see each other as often as I would like. And often when I see them it’s at a larger family function so visiting isn’t as intimate. Getting to visit in a quiet and relaxed manner was such a treat. She’s just enough older than I am that she’s always been one of the cool cousins who I looked up to, and she was kind enough to put up with me when I was an annoying younger kid following her around. Lord, I made her sing the found a peanut song a million times one summer…

 

Standard
happiness

Canadian stereotype 

We had a perfectly stereotypical Canadian day today, one that involved all the good things that come to mind when people think of Canadians.

It started this morning at Tim Hortons (as any good Canadian morning does) with a really nice gentleman holding the door for us. Actually, as Jacob and I were walking to the store, a SUV pulled up in front of us and as it slowed to a rolling stop a man jumped out of the vehicle, did a hop and a skip and a slip on the ice; and headed for Timmy’s. He reached the door and there was a lady behind him, and then Jacob and I behind her. He stood and held the door open for all of us, then Jacob held the second door open for him (proud mama moment, how great of him to return the kindness),  and then he insisted that we all go ahead of him.

As we were standing in line I joked with him about his fast exit from the car. He laughed and said that he probably shouldn’t do those while it was so icy out, but that life needed some adventure. He went on to say how much he loved winter, loved being outside, and had spent 22 hours since Wednesday shovelling snow.

I shuddered and said I wasn’t acclimated yet to the winter and wasn’t sure I was going to be. He said there were two important things that got him through the cold weather. He lifted up his leg, turned his jeans inside out and said fleece lined jeans, they’re the best invention. Then he went on to add although the very best way to keep warm outside is to get up, keep on your flannel pyjamas, and then just put your clothes on over top of them.

It was so nice to start the morning off talking to someone who was so happy. I love too how all of our happiness is different, how we each need to find it in our own way. Those things that made him so happy aren’t what would particularly get me all excited, but it certainly was his thing.

Tonight Jenna and I downloaded Jann Arden’s new Christmas album A Jann Arden Christmas. Her voice, it is so beautiful… it makes my soul happy.  I  saw her live when we lived in Montreal and it was probably the best concert I’ve ever been to. In this time where grounding and stability are playing such a huge role in our lives, it’s a huge bonus that she’s a local artist. Nice to have such great talent close by, a good reminder that we produce great things here.

To keep it fully Canadian, we also listened to a little of Anne Murray’s Christmas album. Her songs take me back to childhood and that is important this year especially. Dad was a big Anne Murray fan and I have lots of memories of us listening to her music together. I miss him, but he sure managed to leave us a lot of great things to remember him by. Anne Murray may be one of the bigger Canadian stereotypes, and that’s a good thing. There’s a lot of comfort in that which is familiar. Her music reminds me of childhood, laughter and fun.

My happiness moment today was the knowledge in my soul that we are here, we are home, we are safe. The good Canadian stereotypes are something I am proud of – the politeness, the thoughtfulness, that will take you a long way. Life is good.

Standard
happiness

Wrestling around 

Today’s happiness moment was watching Jacob at his school wrestling match. Again (Like Jenna’s baton), not necessairly a sport I would have chosen, and that is what makes it so fascinating. I love that they feel free to follow their hearts and explore their own sports.

He was so excited and nervous for this match, the first one since wrestling last year in Virginia. He’s grown about 10 inches since then and gained a lot of skill, so this time around it was a completely different experience. He had two really challenging matches and held his own for a long time in the first one, and then managed to win the second one.

It wasn’t really about the winning though (but that did give him a nice confidence boost), I was really impressed with the sporting environment. All the parents were cheering for their own kids of course, but they were also so supportive of all the other kids competing as well. It was a really warm and friendly e contained inside a competitive one. I was really pleased for him that he’s found something he enjoys so much that has such a positive influence.

Standard
Uncategorized

Happy birthday Dad 

Today would have been Dad’s 75th birthday. I haven’t been home to celebrate a birthday with him since he turned 64, and now that I’m here, he’s not. Sigh. Because we celebrated the last 10 birthdays with him over the phone or on Facetime, I wasn’t sure how acutely I would feel him missing here today – that is anymore than any other day. Sometimes my brain convinces my heart that he’s just gone on a trip for a while and I’ll be seeing him soon. Denial, it’s a difficult cloak of protection.

Turns out I miss him quite a lot.

Dad loved going for walks. He was always trying to get someone to go outside and do something with him – walking, skiing, swimming – he just wanted to be outside. Today I wanted to honour his memory by walking along the ridge by our house – one of his favourite places to be. It’s actually one of the spots where we scattered his ashes, and a place where I haven’t been strong enough to walk along since.

Today I knew I needed to walk there. To go to the place that Dad loved so much and where he found so much peace.

I stood at the spot where we had scattered his ashes. I cried for a long time. Thank goodness it’s a beautiful, warm November day or my tears would have frozen on my face and that would have made a sad situation an awkward one as well. I stood and cried and looked out at the view and just let all my emotions flow. It was both really hard and really easy. I had a lot of clarity come to me in those minutes I stood there thanking Dad for all that he had given to me.

Dad was always so good about making sure that I knew that he loved me no matter what. I never had to worry that I would ever do something that would make his love for me falter in any way. As I go through life and realize that so much of what is called love is conditional it gives me an even greater appreciation for this pure and true emotion of love. What a gift to have, what a gift to give.

I stood there and thanked God for the beautiful place we live in. Dad wanted to spend eternity in the spots he loved so deeply and being there brought me such peace and comfort.

the view along the ridge where we scattered the ashes

I walked for a while with my Dotted Dog and her Naughty Puppy Friend before getting a text from Jacob that he was on his way. He walked up and joined us and we walked the rest of the ridge together.

It was so calm and warm. It felt beautiful to have the sun shine its healing rays on us while we walked and laughed over memories of Dad. The kids miss him so deeply, he was such an important force in their lives. 

Last year at Christmas Dad and I walked the ridge and for some reason decided to stop and take our first ever (and what ended up being our only) selfie. It was the last walk I took with Dad, even though I didn’t know that at the time. We had such a deep, spiritual conversation – I’m so thankful we had the time for those kinds of moments.

omg it was so cold that day

Jacob and I stopped at the same place today and took our own selfie in memory of Dad. I think he would have really liked that we were out there together remembering him. 

After I was back home, I was sitting at the table with Jenna talking about Dad. She leaned over and petted my arm and said “I bet you really miss him today”. Then she said “If it makes you feel any better, while you were out on your walk I went up to my bedroom and sang him happy birthday” and then she burst into tears. So, we sat at the table and cried for a little while. Then we found a video that she and I had made last year on his birthday wishing him a happy day. We cried some more. We did manage to keep talking through our memories until we found some that made us feel better. There are lots of good memories.

I’m pretty lucky because I had a Dad who loved life and loved to pull us into it at full force. Even when I’m sure he wasn’t interested in what I was doing he was always there to listen to me and to talk about things or to watch me do things (the hours that man spent at the side of a riding ring watching me go round and round on my horse. Both my parents spent ages in the heat or (usually) the cold watching me ride).

I work hard at continuing to walk through my grief. I miss him like crazy, but I know he would want us to jump into life with everything we have, without fear. I don’t want to deaden my emotions, I want to feel them deeply and breathe through the tough ones. If I don’t feel the sad emotions, I also won’t feel the joyful emotions. I am on this happiness journey and Dad has been a big part of that. I find happiness in new experiences and I find happiness in memories. As proof of that, my happiness moment today included remembering all the love and fun times shared with Dad, and also experiencing fun times with Jacob (and those crazy dogs) on our walk. There is more tearful happiness to come tonight as my sister and her family join us for a family supper at home.

Standard
Uncategorized

Yoga for the soul 

Discovering yoga was one of the best things that has happened to me. I consider myself very lucky because I have had wonderful people come into my life to guide my practice.

When we lived in Quebec, the mom of one of Jacob’s friends opened a yoga studio. She taught a wonderful gentle yoga class that was exactly what my body needed. She was so kind and welcoming, it made it such a safe and loving way to begin my practice.

When we moved to Rhode Island, my husband gifted me a weekend at Kripalu which was where I fell madly and deeply in love with how yoga made me feel. Kripalu yoga is exactly the kind of yoga I need to do. it does not care that I carry so much tension, or that I am not flexible, or that I am self-conscious.  It is slow and gentle, it is built on compassion, and for me it is very spiritual. The only other thing that has brought me closer to God is time on the back of a horse.

Sometime after I began my studies with New World Ayurveda, they started offering Healing Light Yoga Therapy. It was my first introduction to Asrael, who has become a very important guide and mentor. The sixth session of yoga classes began last weekend, and I was finally able to do the recorded version this morning.

It’s a pretty cool way to do a yoga class, she leads it online and we follow along at home. There is an amazing feeling of being bonded to the other people in the class even though many miles separate us. That energy knows no bounds. There’s a recorded version on their website so if you miss the live class (like I did) then you can do it at your own convenience.

I was thinking about what these classes have done for me. When I first started my anxiety was so intense I could barely function. I was actually really happy that the yoga class was online. Aside from the fact that it made it easier to fit into the day (with two kids and a busy schedule), being in the comfort of my own room meant that my general anxiety was lessened. Of course I was soon to discover that Asrael’s voice is it’s own kind of valium for calming my stress. My cat Ella agrees, anytime she hears her voice she comes and purrs beside the computer or the phone – which strongly violates her don’t let people know I like them rule.

Now I go for long periods (I mean usually days) where I don’t even remember that anxiety played such a huge role in my life. Before this it was an issue that had brought me to my knees and affected every single thing I did in my life.  A lot of factors have come into play to help with my healing – a big portion coming from my Ayurveda studies, my private sessions with Asrael, and these yoga classes.

I do practice my own breathing to calm and ground myself, but it so much easier for me to get to that groovy feeling when I am being guided. I was so happy today when I was lying on my mat and being reminded of how to take the big healing breaths.

This type of yoga is one that nourishes my soul. It feeds me on all levels and I consider it one of the most important parts of my healing and my growth. It’s not always easy, sometimes really yucky things get released, but it is always worth it. It may take a bit of time, but there is always a good feeling – right to the core of my being – that comes from these classes.

Today my happiness moment was lying on that mat breathing healing light into my soul.
Photo from the New World Ayurveda Healing Light Yoga Therapy site

Standard
Uncategorized

The digestive fire

  
Jacob: bwaahaaaa Jenna, I made your water gross. I put in mostly hot and then some cold so it’s a disgusting warm temperature. 

Jenna: that’s ok. That’s how I like it. 

Me: exactly. That’s how I do her water every morning. 

Jenna: yes. Because cold water isn’t good for you – right mom?

Me: right. It puts out your Agni – remember?- your digestive fire. 

Jenna: oh yeah. What’s your digestive fire do again?

Jacob: it ignites your farts. 

And then we all fall down laughing. It was my happiness moment, but I’m also happy that they have paid at least minimal attention to all of my talking about Ayurveda. Although like any good teenage boy, he had to turn the conversation to farting. 

Standard
Uncategorized

In Flanders Fields

  
The poem In Flanders Fields has always tugged at my heartstrings. I didn’t have grandparents or great grandparents who fought in the war, but I was brought up being very aware of the sacrifices that soldiers made for our country, and I have a great amount of gratitude. 

My elementary school did an excellent job of explaining Remembrance Day to us kids. They brought in soldiers who had fought and they told us their stories. They brought in holocaust survivors who told their stories and who showed us their tattoos (that visual was pretty powerful and has stayed with me all these  years later).  

In university I studied Canadian history and learned more about Canada’s role during the world wars. My appreciation for those who left and fought for our freedom grew, as it did for those who stayed and grew food (my family) or supported the war on the Homefront in other ways. 

During the time we lived in the states I got to know quite a few families who had loved ones fighting now, and I became very aware of the fears, love, pain, and pride that was felt by their families. 

This is the first Remembrance Day that the kids remember honouring in Canada. It’s been moving to see how it has touched them, especially Jacob. I am so happy and grateful to live in this blessed and beautiful country. I am grateful for all of those who have given their lives so we can live in safety and peace. My happiness moment. 

Standard