Tag Archives: healing

happiness

Letting things go

We finally got started on the task of cleaning out Dad’s closet today. It was difficult and emotional, but a chance to sort through some memories and feelings about loss and letting things go. In the past I have not let go either gracefully or peacefully, it’s kind of a work in progress for me that lesson.

I think Dad would have rolled his eyes at the fact that it took us so long to be strong enough to face the task of donating some of his things. He would have told us to pack it up and get it out to someone who could use it right away. But, I think he also would be so touched that he is so deeply loved that there is this group of people who miss him so much. It makes me think about who I want to surround myself with and walk with me on the rest of my journey. It has become so important to me to make sure those are the right people – the ones who know how to laugh, love, find peace, follow God, know how to give and take, and lift each other up.

I came to a realization as I was sorting through my Dad’s things and mentally sorting through emotions left over by last week’s stellar visit from Mr. X. I have wanted so badly to make things better for the kids, to heal them, to make up for all that they are lacking but I can’t do that. No matter how badly I want to, I can’t make up for the things they don’t have – and we are never going to heal that way. I need to let that shit go. We are an awesome little family, and the fact that some painful stuff has happened does not change that. I need to focus way more on the fact that we are this loving, strong, intact family and much less on any force that has tried to weaken us.

This morning I was lying in bed with Jenna who was trying to tickle me and generally get a rise out of me. Jacob came flying into the room and said oh good, it’s my favourite game. I said what’s that? He answered the bug mom game and leapt on the bed with a pillow to smack me with. Those kids, my family, my life – what a happiness moment.

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Rebalancing 

Today was a day focused on rebalancing, repairing, and regaining strength. It has been an emotionally exhausting week as I have watched my kids go through so much pain and heartache.  I know they will come through this stronger and wiser, I just wish they didn’t have to go through it at all. 

I remember talking with Dad on one of our walks about his worries about his connection with God. He’d been spending so much time in prayer and meditation, working at making his relationship as strong as he possibly could. At the time we were walking his medication was making it increasingly difficult to keep up his practice and he was worried that his connection was not as strong. We talked about how he had built up a reserve of faith and strength that was getting him through that tough time. 

In a different way I feel like that now. I work to keep my faith strong, but times like this deplete some of my reserves. It’s so important now to fill that space back up so that I can walk stronger on my path. 

So today I rebalanced things. 

I did some yoga and strengthened and rebalanced my poor stressed out body a bit. 

I walked with my cousin in law and dear friend this morning. We laugh and talk about everything – and usually end up doubled over in hysterics at least at one point in every visit. But we also talk about more serious things. So today, along with some giggles, we discussed how we talk to God and what that means to us. Also we talked of how hard that is to do sometimes. I love being able to have such an honest conversation about our thoughts and beliefs. It helps to ground me and rebalance me. 

Then I had more of my reserves built up and had more to give to my kids who desperately needed rebalancing too. We spent the evening together eating supper and laughing with each other. We are a strong little unit but we need our tribe around us to keep us balanced and focused.  

A happiness rebalancing day. Gaining strength, remembering to love each other, working back into peace. 

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Little healing steps 

My boy took a few small healing steps today and I love him so much for it. He prepared himself and once again went in for a therapy appointment  with Mr. X (who failed to show for the last one). I don’t know all the details but it didn’t go well. Still, this brave soul put his heart out there and I love him for that. 

I learned a few years ago from that same person that sometimes what seems like the most painful, difficult heartbreak can actually be one of life’s greatest gifts in disguise. When I looked at the gifts I received I realized I found my renewed relationship with God, my self respect, happiness, joy, love, a return to my tribe, hope…. it goes on and on. Basically I got my life back – but a better version. I hope Jacob finds his gifts from this experience. 

After a little decompression we went to one of our favourite spots to relax and enjoy some family time. My happiness moment was sitting by the creek with my boy just being. I am so incedibly proud of that kid. 

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Healing steps 

Today we took a huge step on our healing journey. It didn’t go the way that we had hoped, but I’m learning that prayers are always answered and that there’s a reason for everything. The fact that my kid took the steps he did despite so many fears shows his desire to heal and be happy. 

I am so incredibly proud of my son. He showed huge courage, strength, compassion, openness, and forgiveness today. The person he was seeking healing with didn’t show up for him, but he learned so much today and walked through it with grace and dignity. He is an inspiration to me and I am forever grateful that God blessed me with his light. 

We have had a huge amount of support from our tribe who have stood beside him quietly showing love while he sorts through what is going on in his heart. 

My happiness moment was one in the midst of deep heartbreak as I saw the level of inner strength that my son possesses within his soul. His faith and his strength will carry him far in life. 

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Strength and balance

I love that usually God provides me with food for thought at exactly the right moment. In reality He likely always does I’m just not paying enough attention. I’ve had a few chats  in the last 24 hours that ended up tying things together for me today. 

I had a conversation last night with him about relationships and the roles that people take in them (I love that we talk about this stuff. I am so thankful God put this man in my life). We talked about how ideally one person can bring strength and the other can bring balance into a relationship. 

I went to bed thinking about that and how my life has been the past few years. I have been both the strength and the balance for a long time. While it’s exhausting to do both, I have had the opportunity to discover that I have more strength than I ever thought possible and have found incredible peace through the balance I have managed. 

I’m not naive enough to think I actually did it all alone. I had three key people in Virginia bring me back to a powerful relationship with God who started performing miracles in my life right away. Now I gain added strength and balance from being back in my tribe. They hold me up and walk me through it all. 

Every single time someone tries to knock  me down I will get back up. Every. Single. Time. 

My happiness moment was time spent on the west part of the  ranch this morning. It’s so beautiful and I don’t spend much time out there. Then time spent with him which always makes me happy. Then time with a cousin watching the show bands play. It was a day that had a weird wrench of stress thrown into it, but one where happiness kept showing up all over. I am grateful for that. It reminds me that life is good, that happiness and peace are a way of life that should be sought out. 

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The ride home from DQ

We went out this evening for a little DQ treat. I am not exactly sure how the kids convinced me it needed to be done, but they did, and there we were. For some reason when we were there all three of us were cranky and out of sorts. How that is even possible while eating a sundae is beyond my understanding, but it happened. 

On the way home there was an explosion of emotion of gargantuan proportion. My poor little family has been through so much over the last couple of years, and it seems sometimes like there’s been no chance to stop and absorb all the changes. 

One good thing about the bond the three of us has is that we are pretty in tune with each other’s emotions. Even when there’s an explosion it does not last long,  and it’s usually a pretty effective way of getting all the emotional crap out and dealt with. 

I’ve discovered on this happiness journey that true happiness is so much more than butterflies and rainbows. It takes many shapes and often comes out of harder times. My happiness moment today was talking through some deep stuff with my little people. They teach me so much about how to be kind and strong. They show me how to love unconditionally and how to keep faith no matter what we face. I am so grateful for those two little souls. 

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Puzzle Peace

I had a gentle reminder tonight that I need to be paying better attention to the answers that I’m getting to my prayers. Last year as Dad was dying  I finally understood that prayers were answered in a good way but not always in the way I wanted them to be. This seems to be a lesson I will need to learn a few times before it sticks.  

I have prayed over and over for peace in certain areas of my life. There has been powerful movement and change towards that peace, but there are still a few ties lingering that hold me back from fully letting go. I was talking with him tonight about peace and what I want and what I need to let go of to have that happen (I love that we have these kinds of conversations. I have wanted someone to talk like this with my whole life). 

As I was driving home I went over our conversation in my mind and felt a wave of peace come to me as part of my healing puzzle fell into place. I had been looking for a certain way to measure my strength, healing, and growth. I had a specific objective I wanted in order to gauge my success. I realized that in fact God has already shown me exactly what my strength is, He’s helped me heal, and I know just how much I’ve grown. So the fact that my measurable objective wasn’t there does not take away from the fact that what I was looking for has been with me all along. 

I think one of my favourite things about conversations with him is that he can look at all of my feelings and then put them into thoughts. It amazes me how he can open his mouth and say to me the words I have been unable to find that describe exactly how I’m feeling. 

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The open door

We have worked very hard to create a home that is safe, loving, warm, and happy. For a while it meant that we kind of shut our space down and kept it a very private and protected place. Now that we are home and surrounded by loved ones, those barriers are able to come down in huge ways and the home is becoming a more open, joyful, free place again.

 

Today I had finally convinced myself to get some housework done and was blasting music and vacuuming up pet hair (ugh) when I looked out the window and saw my aunt standing outside. What a wonderful surprise! She and my uncle had been visiting in the area and stopped by to see if I could join them for lunch. It’s another one of those things I appreciate more after being away for so long – I love that our tribe can just stop by and say hi at any given time. We spent years and years being lonely and isolated from our people. I had a lovely happiness moment enjoying lunch and a visit with my aunt and uncle – I don’t get to see them often enough.

As a bonus secondary happiness moment, cousins joined up at the top of the driveway today after school. It warms my heart to see this group of kids hanging out together. These cousin bonds are so important. My own sister and cousin friendships have carried me through every bump in my life.

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Fireweed 

My dad used to take a group of his friends from church out on an annual wildflower walk in Kananaskis. He was an expert in knowing the names and legends of the local wildflowers. The group organized a walk today in his memory. It was beautiful and a wonderful way to honor him. 

Yellow lady slipper

Paintbrush

My favorite, the wood lily

The boys. My dad used to love teaching them about flowers and photography. 


One of the ladies came to me and asked if I knew the name of a certain flower they were looking at. I didn’t but I was so tempted to answer fireweed. It made me laugh and cry inside at the same time.  When dad would take me out looking at flowers and we would come across one that he didn’t know the name of, we would both shrug and say fireweed.  

It was a wonderful happiness moment to remember and honor my dad this morning. 

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On the cliff

I’ve been perched in this space between grounding myself and learning to fly. It’s a weird place to be in, but one I am learning to honor and appreciate. 

I was still a bit out of sorts this morning and found myself heading out on the trail where Pirate and I spent hours, days, weeks wandering around back in the day. Without knowing it, what I was doing then was plugging into my Source, or connecting to God. And it’s what I needed to do today. I’ve realized that once again I’ve been spending too much time asking and questioning, and not enough time listening and allowing. 

I wandered over to the edge of the cliff and sat in the grass, looking over the buffalo jumps and down at the creek. I have had so many happy times in that space over the years – not only with Pirare, but skating and swimming on the creek and wandering the fields looking at flowers. There is something about that space that connects me right into my spiritual being. 

So I sat and talked and listened and cried. I did get some good direction though. I need to figure out what I need in order to be soul happy. I also need to figure out the best way that I am to be of service. My heart knows the answers. I just need to listen to it. 

And I need to sit in my quiet space more often. How could time in this place be anything but a happiness moment?

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