Tonight we went to a family birthday party – called the 250 party because the ages of the three men being celebrated adds up to 250 years.
I was thinking this evening how lucky we are that we have such amazing men in our family. My whole family is such a blessing and I would be lost without my tribe. It was a fun happiness moment of celebrating birthdays and laughing and just being in the fold of the family.
I had a good friend remind me today that love never ends. Just because someone is gone does not mean we stop loving them. I remember thinking a year ago at this time as we watched Dad start to slip away that I was so grateful for unconditional love. I knew that not only did I have it here, but that once he was gone that love would stay.
I feel so frustrated sometimes, so much has happened this year. I’ve had all these spiritual challenges and miracles happen and it’s all the kind of thing I would have talked with him about as we walked the ridge. I still go outside and talk away, andI know he’s listening because I can feel him with me, and God keeps opening doors that I’ve thought were locked. But still. I’d sure love a face to face chat.
I don’t think I’ve ever cried so much in my life as I have this past year, or sworn, or given thanks. I know for sure it has left me so grateful for where I am and the direction I’m heading.
This is another one of Dad’s photos. I can imagine him sitting out in a field of bluebells.
We had snow this morning. Gotta love Alberta – Mother Nature does what she wants. I had to send the kids out to beat snow off of our precious lilac bush. My happiness moment was warching them stand under the trees and beat the snow. Of course it all landed on them which lead to much laughing and shouting.
I realized today that finally, truly, and deeply, my heart understands that we are home. For the past year I have wanted to lie on the ground and hold on – partly in gratitude, but also because there was a fear that this was going to be snatched away. My soul has shifted and now it is at peace and content with the fact that we are here. We are back where we belong with our tribe.
Now that we have the security and grounding of having a place where we belong, it becomes safe to spread our wings again. We will each do it in our own way, but it will happen with the knowledge that there is this base of love to fall back on.
My happiness moment was when I was out walking tonight. I soaked in the scenery that I love so much, visited with family, and thanked God for this life that I have.
We got back at the search for our family church this morning and went to the Anglican Church in Cochrane. We had a wonderful and warm greeting from members of the congregation as we walked in. I really enjoyed the service and yet as we were going through it I kept feeling like something was missing. One of the hymns we sang made me think of Dad and of course my eyes started leaking (I would like to make it through one church service without crying – it’s been almost a year). As I was trying to quietly wipe my eyes before anyone noticed I realized what it was that was missing.
Being in an Anglican service was like comfort food for my soul. I knew the liturgy, the hymns were all so familiar, even the non stop aerobic workout as we stood and sat was second nature. It was grounding and peaceful and made me feel like I belonged. Except for one thing… it wasn’t my church (although there was no reason for it not to be -these people were lovely and so welcoming).
I’ve been pretty focused on finding a church in Cochrane. I want it to be our hometown and the centre of our lives. But, I realized that maybe what I need at this point of my life is the familiarity of my home church – the one I grew up in. I crave comfort food for my soul. So, instead of trying to recreate it elsewhere, why not go back to the building and the community that gave it to me in the first place? As I was pondering this, the priest started his sermon which was all about making sure that you find time to fill your spiritual needs.
When we left the service I asked the kids how they felt about it. Without sharing any of my feelings about returning to the family church, I said that I had really enjoyed the hymns and Jenna said because they remind you of your old church and that makes you feel at home and safe. Wise words from a child. Jacob then asked why aren’t we just going back to the church where we were baptized and where Grandpa’s funeral was? It’s our family church and where all our big events have happened? (my sister and I were both married in that church as well). I love how intuitive they are as to what will help fill our spiritual needs.
My happiness moment today was the realization that we really need comfort food for our souls and that will allow us to shine our lights a little more brightly into the world.
The farther I walk on this spiritual path the more I believe that choosing happiness and love is truly the most sustainable way for me to live my life. Not that there aren’t days that I want to just lie in bed and watch Netflix, but mostly I want to be out celebrating the fact that I am alive. It wasn’t always like this, in fact it’s taken years of dedication to get to this point. I’ve had to reestablish my spiritual connection, shift a lot of my personal connections, and deepen and strengthen my connection within myself. Fortunately my life now is completely unrecognizable from the one that I was living just 2 years ago.
Even with all the bumps along the road I go to bed every night knowing that I’m closer to being the better version of myself that I’m striving to be. It certainly has not happened all on my own power either. I have this awesome tribe of people here who lift me up every day. My kids inspire me to keep reaching for greatness, and our mixed up pets teach us all what unconditional love really means. And of course the gentle hand of God has picked me up and carried me through it all – even when I’ve been swearing and dragging my heels.
Every time I ask for help I keep hearing you’re on the right path. And even though I get really impatient and want more of the path to be illuminated I know that what I’m hearing is true. I know I’m on the right path because I can feel it in my soul. I see it reflected in the kids’ eyes, I hear it in their laughter – we are moving forward in love.
My happiness moment today was listening to the kids talk to each other (when they thought I wasn’t around) about how much they love living in this house. I love seeing the quiet moments when they play together. They are such good friends and they are blessed to have that strong bond.
Today I was reminded of the inukshuk that I saw in the sky last year – a reminder that “you are on the right path” A message from Dad, a message from God.
The past year and a bit have been quite the emotional rollercoaster for me. One thing that has stayed constant has been my understanding that through all the things that have been going on I have been held firmly in the hands of God. Even in the times that I have questioned things, I know that He has been guiding me and holding me.
I had a rather profound experience during my meditation yesterday. I realized that even though I’ve done a lot of work getting through and getting over the hurts that happened during the course of my marriage, and even though I’ve been very consciously working at cutting all the remaining emotional chords (the ones remaining being full of anger and pain), that I had never really said an emotional goodbye to him. And, unfortunately for me that was going to mean forgiving him.
There’s a big part of me that still does not want to forgive. I want to be small and petty and sit with my anger and hurt. There’s an even bigger part of me though that wants to be free and happy. That part of me knows that I need to forgive in order to finally be free. Remember how I swore I never, ever would forgive? Damn it!!!
I’ve struggled with forgiving him before. I did it over and over again in our marriage. What I found issue with back then was that every time I forgave him, another more painful betrayal would soon pop up and I’d have to not only deal with another forgiveness, but also the realization that I’d mistakenly given trust and placed faith once again. This time though, I’m able to go into this without having any expectations of him at all. We will never have any kind of relationship again, I won’t ever have to trust him or believe his word again. I just have to forgive him and let myself be free, so that he can be somebody that I used to know.
I couple of weeks ago I posted about how I felt I was sitting at a locked door and I thought I had the key (that key being surrender) but didn’t know how to use it. Part of the surrender I struggle with involves forgiveness. I don’t expect to forgive overnight, but I expect it to happen. I feel lucky in many ways, I am not dealing with a broken heart, that part of the relationship I dealt with years ago. However these feelings of hurt and anger can be quite the load to let go of as well. I see people decades after divorce still carrying that around and I don’t want that for myself. I want to move into a healthy and functional relationship with a partner whom I love and trust and I have to be that person myself as well.
My aunt sent me a letter a while ago which sat forgotten on the kitchen counter. I opened it today and she wrote me about finding faith at my locked door. I think it was waiting for me to open it today because today I’m ready to really hear the words. In part it included some scripture from Rev. 3:19-21
those whom I love, I reprove and discipline; be zealous therefore, and repent. Behold, I stand at the door and knock; if anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and will dine with him, and he with Me. He who overcomes, I will grant to him to sit down with Me on My throne, as I also overcame and sat down with My Father on His throne.
God has guided me so patiently and clearly in this past year (I know He has all my life, but He’s made me pretty aware of it lately), how can I not listen?
My birthday present this year was the beginnings of the divorce, and my Mother’s Day present is the beginnings of forgiveness. I feel like they’re the two most important gifts I’ve ever given myself.
My happiness moment today happened at 1:00 am. I woke up suddenly and grabbed my phone without knowing why. I saw a few missed calls and texts from my cousin. She was trying to tell me to get outside and look at the Northern Lights. I woke the kids and we ran out into the yard to see God’s amazing light display. They were some of the best ones I’ve ever seen, they danced all over the sky. It was warm and clear and we stood out there for over an hour admiring the show in the sky.
I’ve decided to add back in two routines into my daily life that for me are much like my meditation practice. I often find them a challenge start, but afterwards I always feel so much better having done them. I’m talking about doing Morning Pages and Sun Salutations.
I haven’t religiously done Morning Pages for about 5 years, although I’ve managed to be kind of hit and miss about it over that time. When I was doing them every day prior to that I began to understand why Julia Cameron says they’re a must for boosting creativity. I did Sun Salutations every day for a few months a couple of years ago and then let that practice slip to the wayside, somehow forgetting how great they are at relaxing and stretching out my body. It’s time to add back in that little bit of extra self care and self love.
It’s only been a few days of doing both exercises, but already I can tell my body and mind are getting clearer and happier. Knowing that I can so easily do something that brings joy and peace to my soul is my inner happiness moment.
On a larger scale, I have a completely different, outer happiness moment. It seems as though all of Alberta is pulling together to help the people who have lost so much in the Fort McMurray fire. My Facebook feed is filled with local people and businesses raising money, donating supplies, and even offering homes to the people who had to so suddenly leave everything they had.
I looked at photos of people with their dogs piled on West Jet planes that have volunteered to go up to help people evacuate. It certainly made it very clear to me that whenever possible in the future I am booking with West Jet for all my flights.
For very different reasons, the kids and I came very close to losing everything earlier this year. We were essentially left destitute and if not for the kindness of those around us I don’t know what would have happened. I see this same kind of love and support being shown by strangers all over the province (and other provinces as well) as they’re doing whatever they can to help out. Our smaller scale personal tragedy has left me with a lot of empathy for these people whose lives changed at the drop of a hat.
Image from CTV news.
The power of kindness is amazing and overwhelming. It is so easy to focus on the negative, but there really are some powerfully loving people out there in the world. When tragedies like this happen it really lets that love shine through. I feel blessed to be in a place where there are people who will do so much to help out their neighbours. The world needs more of this. It reminds me to shine love and light wherever I can, you never know who needs some kindness. It gives me such hope to see that love really does always win.
Because it was over 30C today we made a pit stop at DQ after school for some much needed blizzards. While we were sitting and enjoying our frozen treats, Jenna looked over at this poster and told me I should bid on it.
I reminded her we have very little extra living space in our house – where would we put it? Then she said she didn’t really want it anyway even though she was raised on the Beatles. This confused me as I couldn’t really remember playing them for her at all. I asked her and yes, she was sure. They’d always been her favourite.
I was pondering how that could be when Jacob said you mean the Black Eyed Peas? And Jenna said yes, them. Whatever. Same thing.
Ummmmm no. It’s not.
There has been so much stress and anxiety over the last few months I love the moments when they’re just their regular selves, it makes for a grateful happiness moment. I hope they’re allowed to continue to heal. It takes every ounce of energy I have some days to hold their hearts and help them through this.
It’s May already. On the 28th it will be a year since Dad died. I can’t believe it’s been so long already. So much has happened in this year, yet in other ways it feels like a lifetime. Sometimes now I can even talk about dad without immediately bursting into tears. Other times I’m still crying for no reason at all. I don’t think I’ll ever be used to him not being here
My sister and family were down for the weekend and we had some fun full family time. Spring time at the ranch means calves, outside fun, and reuniting with neighbours after a long winter.
Today was filled with seeing the newborn calf, blowing bubbles, running in the fields and doing puzzles.
Last night we went up to the community hall for a family dance. I two stepped with my uncle (I really need to learn how to do that properly) and line danced like it was 1992.
Being here with the tribe. That’s what it’s all about.
My happiness moment: Jacob came in and asked me to make Mac and cheese for lunch. I told him to fill up a pot with water and go prepare to be an adult and look after things. He went into the kitchen and called me from the house phone. When I answered he said come make my Mac and cheese please. When I asked are you really calling me from the kitchen to come make your food? He responded with yes. You said go prepare for being an adult. When I’m am adult and I don’t know how to do things I plan on calling you to come do them for me.
A happiness moment because it was funny, but also because he’s healing enough that he’s found his funny again.
I was asked today if you could change one thing about your appearance what would it be?
I sat with that question for a while trying to think honestly about the answer
I would like to lose some weight. But the extra pounds that I gained last year were a reaction from grieving the loss of my dad. They’re coming off and I honour the process I have been going through. So I wouldn’t change that.
The bump in my nose? I broke it on my horse when I was 8. It’s become a part of who I am.
My eye that doesn’t dialate? It’s leftover from a big and scary surgery when I was 21 to remove a massive tumor in my neck. It was benign. I am alive and healthy. I am grateful for that, wouldn’t change that either.
My scar across my lower abdomen? That’s a reminder of the birth of my daughter who is one of my greatest joys.
Every wrinkle and flaw I have earned and they have become part of who I am. This healing journey has brought me to a place where I am learning to accept who I am and where I am at. And that is my happiness moment today.
