Tag Archives: healing

happiness

Future Jenna’s problem

The girl and I went to Bragg Creek and had lunch at Creeker’s Bistro for the first time – definitely a place we will go back to. We sat in the corner (as is our usual MO) and talked about little things and stole food off of each other’s plates. Normally I have a full on ban on people taking food from my plate – or my taking food off of their plate – but Jenna somehow has managed to make that rule not apply to her. She’s been happily stealing my food since she was born.

When we were done we each had a little sweet treat which was delicious, but we both decided was more than we had really needed (although we really enjoyed eating it). As we were driving home I lamented that with the dessert I had eaten too much and that I was going to regret it later. Jenna quipped back “I ate too much as well, but I’m not going to worry about it – that’s Future Jenna’s problem”. It was so unexpected and funny I laughed until tears were rolling. Then she found it so funny that I was laughing so hard she laughed until she was crying as well.

It’s these little moments that make up the big memories. This is the stuff we will remember. This is happiness.

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Sharing meditation

Both the boy and I have had some pretty intense bouts with anxiety. I decided a few years ago that I was willing to do anything I needed to in order to stop the constant panic attacks I was having (ironically that has lead to my living a completely different and happier life now than the one I was trapped in back then, funny how that works). I have had to learn many different coping skills, as has my boy.

One of the greatest things we both do is meditate. I hate it – I love it. Sometimes it is so very difficult to force myself to sit quietly with myself, with my Source for 20 minutes and just be. But after I do it I always feel so much better. And the more consistently I do it, the more it pays off in my every day life.

The boy texted me today that he was having some anxiety triggers come up. Before I could suggest anything he told me he was heading off to meditate. When he was done he not only told me how much better, calmer, more grounded he felt – but he sent me the link of the meditation he did on YouTube and told me that I needed to do it as well. I can’t believe that my 15 year old boy sends me meditation links. I love that. All of the work we have done to learn how to make ourselves feel secure and grounded is paying off. He knows how to identify the feelings of anxiety and is learning how to calm them.

I have been feeling a little anxious the last few days as well, and I have been doing much the same thing  – meditating, calming, grounding, laughing with friends.  It is a world away from the helpless feelings of panic and fear that I felt years ago. I still get fearful, I still want to panic, but I have this deep sense that I am doing exactly the right thing, I am doing what I need to do, following my dharma.

That is happiness.

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Tears in the wind 

For the first time in ages I took my Dotted Dog out for a walk along the ridge. It was still pretty windy, and a little muddy and icy, but it was certainly nice to get outside and spend some healing time in nature. It’s been a few months since I have done this particular walk and I forgot that as soon as I got to the spot where we had scattered some of Dad’s ashes I would have to stop and cry. It was blowing so hard that the wind took away my tears almost as soon as they were out of my eyes. I wonder how much longer it will be before those tears come without warning. Dad would have loved the walk along the ridge tonight.

I go on all the time about how happy I am that we are home and how much I love it here – but seriously… look at this place. I am grateful every moment of every day that God brought us back where we belong. We are home, we are safe, we are loved.

Today I met with an agency to discuss children who could participate with Celebrate Every Child. I had to give a little talk about myself and how it was that the idea, the dream, for this project came to be. It was pretty emotional as I had to put myself back where we were a year ago when we were in such a scary and uncertain place. I had just filed for divorce, our finances had been completely cut off, I was in the process of discovering so many painful things about the life I had been living. I had to go back even before that to the life we lived where there was so much pain and fear, so much hurt and sadness. And then I got to talk about how my tribe stepped in and helped me and my kids when we were at our bottom, when we had nothing. I got to talk about how the kids and I were now at the point where we wanted to pass on some of the blessings we had received.

They loved my idea of giving birthday parties to children who because of family circumstances would not get one, they agreed that every child deserves to be celebrated. I am one huge step closer to seeing this dream become a reality. This is such huge happiness I am at a loss for words to explain how grateful I feel. I think this is something that can make a big difference to children who really need some happiness in their lives.

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The race marked out for you

The sermon at church today was about the race marked out for you. Meaning we are all here to run our own individual race, we can’t run someone else’s race, can’t run ours the way someone else does, can’t compare our results to that of the other runners. Our journey is ours alone to walk with God and we have to listen to how He wants us to walk it. 

This was big for me as I have spent years trying to live my life to make others happy – even when I knew that it was causing my own soul pain and taking me away from my spiritual path. These past few months I have really felt things like up in a way that they never have before and I’m feeling like I’m walking the right path. Honestly, a lot of it has to do with my decision to not give a f*ck about all the things that used to bug me. They were all distractions from my journey and took so much time and energy away from what I need to be doing. 

I’m finding I make myself go to church lately even when I don’t feel like it because his sermons always seem to hit exactly what I am struggling with at that moment. I consider our decision to start attending regularly last fall one of my greatest blessings. It has opened doors and put me back on my path. 

Happiness 

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Laughs and love 

I and an early morning email that pushed me much further towards seeing Celebrate Every Child come to life. It’s funny, I decided I wanted to see this impossible dream come to life, and by completely disregarding the how and just moving ahead on faith it seems to all be falling into place. That is love in motion, that is happiness. 

I had lunch with an old friend who has been dealing with very similar issues in the last year. We get each other because we’ve known each other forever, but also now because we have seemed to found ourselves on paths that not a lot of other people seem to be on. And the fact that we are both horse crazy allows us to talk horse without anyone rolling eyeballs. That is laughter happiness. It’s also love happiness. We talked about how important our tribe is and how we would never be able to hold it all together without the support of our people. 

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Memory lane is a strange place 

Tonight I watched my boy play basketball in the high school my best friend went to a bazillion years ago. Lots of other things may have changed over the last 30 years, but not in the halls of that school. 

It was weird to take that walk down memory lane. We were best friends from birth until we hit the age where we got married and started having kids and then our friendship seemed to have run its course. A lifetime of things have happened since then and I hadn’t thought about her in a long time. 

It was weird, fun, sad to sit in that gym where we had watched games, gone to dances, crushed on boys, and laughed with our friends. It was having a little memory movie run in my head. 

That part of my life seems so long ago. At the time everything was so urgent and important and I’ve since forgotten so much of it. There were lots of good times though. 

And to add more weirdness to the weird memory lane path, we passed the hospice dad went to right before he died on our way to the school. Another thing I’ve worked hard to banish from my mind. So there was an unexpected hit of emotion before I even walked into the school. 

But there was happiness in there too. Bringing myself back to the present and being in the moment allowed me to watch my boy and his team run up and down the court. They have such great heart, and although they didn’t win they never quit. I drove my boy and his friend to and from the game and I loved listening to them discuss strategy and be so excited to play. It’s awesome. 

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Filling up your soul 

Yesterday’s sermon was all about how to get your soul  refilled when you have completely drained it. It was very timely as I went into church feeling exhausted and overwhelmed. Honestly if we hadn’t needed food I wouldn’t have even gone to town or church. But we did and so there we were. 

Always the right thing at the right time. A reminder that sometimes I need to get completely emptied so that I can surrender and allow the miracles to happen. 

Since then I have had people step up and quietly fill my soul, all without me saying or doing anything. It’s pretty awesome. 

We had a ton of snow today and while it made for some crazy driving, the girls had a blast playing outside in it tonight. That was happiness. 

Seeing the beautiful winter wonderland we live in, that’s also happiness. Knowing my soul is being cared for… extreme happiness. 

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Gummy worms

I spent the day with a horsey friend – I’ve known her since we were in our teens. So aside from being able to chat for hours about horses, we have really funny old memories that we share. 

When I picked her up she had a bag full of gummy worms, coke, dill pickle chips and cheese sandwiches – because that was our  staple lunch in our youth. Thank God we were so active – how did we ever eat like that?

I brought my sandwich home (you have  to crush the chips inside the sandwich) and gave it to the boy who at first was horrified but then declared it the best thing he’d eaten in ages. He said how do I not know this side of you mom??? Ummm because we can’t live on dill pickle chip and cheese sandwiches. 

It was fun to spend the day catching up on horse things and to laugh with a friend I’ve had since forever. Happiness – horse happiness. 

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In our own way

We have been really struggling in our healing process the last couple of weeks in our little family. I’m not sure why it is now that these issues are here, but they most certainly are. 

The kids have had several memories pop up bringing with them lots of questions and it’s meant a serious dose of anxiety for all three of us. 

Interestingly, not long after they started coming to me with questions and memories I found an old journal. It was one I wrote during the time we had the fight that ended our family (as it is now called). Sometimes I feel like maybe I’ve over exaggerated some of the things that went on in ourbhome, like time has made them more extreme than they were. Well, let me tell you… that is not the case at all. It was incredibly painful to transport myself back in time and relive the hurt, fear, terror, confusion, and many other things that were swirling around at that time. And to know that it went on for years… that this is the childhood they look back on… breaks my heart. 

Sometimes (like all the time) I feel like we should be over it all ready. We are home, we are safe, we should be fine. And yet we are not. One little thing happens and someone is triggered and we have to hold on for our lives to keep our balance. 

And then I remember that this is our healing journey. No one else is living it besides us, no one else gets to determine the path it takes. I’m learning every day to have faith that we are exactly where we are supposed to be. It’s tiring and tearful and I want to just be done with it, but we need to honor the process and give thanks that we are in the healing part of it. 

Happiness tonight was watching the boy play his basketball game. Every time he’s out there I see his confidence grow. He is such an amazing young man and has incredible strength. It brings me such joy to see him finding himself, knowing that he is in a faith filled spiritual journey of his own. 

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Part of the community 

We had our community general meeting tonight and I volunteered to be on the board (or was elected or whatever the proper term is). I did this years ago, before we moved, and it was a great way to get to know our neighbours. I’m thinking it will again as we are settling back in. 

Our community is pretty special, given that we are almost all related or our t families have been here for well over 100 years. There’s a unique bond that comes with that and I’m so grateful to be a part of it. 

It was happiness getting to see some neighbours I haven’t seen in a while. It’s happiness knowing I can give a little back to the community that has been so good to me. It’s happiness knowing this is our tribe. 

It is where we are from 

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