Tag Archives: kids

happiness

Just keep swimming, just keep swimming 

It is almost impossible for me to wrap my mind (forget my heart) around the fact that Dad has been gone for 6 months today. I can convince myself for a while that he’s gone away on a trip or something, because usually over the last 10 years at least 6 months would go by without us seeing him. But, it’s harder to keep deluding myself now that we are home and he’s not here. His absence is felt so deeply I can feel it deep in my soul, as can the rest of the family.

Little things come up… like I was thinking about the fact that when we go get our Christmas tree (a big production here), that I will be the adult who has to do stuff now. Dad would normally do most of the gross hard work of getting up the tree and we would help and decorate. There were thousands of little things that he did for us, quietly and without fuss, that we are just now realizing weren’t done by magic.

But, we keep moving ahead. That’s all we can do. Dad was so full of life and loved doing jumping into activities, so the best way to honour him is to keep on swimming – Just like Dori.

My sister and her kids are down this weekend and we’ve had some Christmas cheer injected into our lives with songs and gingerbread houses. I know it makes Dad happy to see us all gathering together and having fun.

One of the gifts Dad gave me in the last months before he died was the desire to dig deeper into finding and following my spiritual path. He used to talk to me a lot about how important it was for him to work on his spirituality and to connect with God in the most intimate way possible. He may not have been ready to leave us all here, but I think as the time got closer he was ready to move on and be with his Maker. He taught me a lot about giving love and having faith. At the end of the day those are the things that matter, not the superficial stuff that is so easy to focus on.

Here’s a couple of photos of my Dad from a few years ago doing what he did best – playing and laughing with his grandkids. I have a childhood full of memories of him taking us out riding, skating, cross country skiing, hiking, and flower walking. To be able to engage fully in an activity that brings joy to everyone involved is a real gift.

I love you always Dad, thank you for everything.

Life in a bubble…

My happiness moment was sitting at the table in my mom’s kitchen with her, my kids, my sister, and her kids; while we decorated gingerbread houses. We need each other, for good times and sad times. It’s just better to be part of a tribe.

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A healthy dose of gratitude. 

Poor little Jenna has been so sick for almost four weeks. This constant cough has been the bane of her existence. We have been to the doctor many times and the children’s hospital twice trying to get her some relief. None of my home or Ayurvedic remedies have made much difference. Frustrating, especially when the respiratory specialist said to expect her cough to last a few months. Good thing we don’t give up easily, nor do we accept someone else’s word as our reality.

Yesterday I wrote about how we had had caring people in the community who were  offering their home remedies to us when they heard Jenna coughing. Last night we tried the solution offered to us by Guy, the guy from Guy’s Cafe. It involved a hot tub and a cold drink of water.

She went to sleep, woke up, coughed all morning, went to school and coughed all day there, got in the car coughing, and then…. After about a half hour she stopped coughing. Just STOPPED.  No more cough. A miracle. My happiness moment. It’s been so difficult watching her be so sick and uncomfortable. I am so grateful that my happy, spunky Jenna is back.

As a bonus happiness moment the kids decorated gingerbread houses today.



I love how into it they get. There is a special magic about Christmas.

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Be a part of the community, not apart from the community. 

For years we have been on the fringe of the community. Being an introvert, going out and meeting new people is not something that I look forward to, but when you are constantly the new person it’s a trait you have to develop. Even in places where I felt more settled and had more friends, I still felt a bit like an outsider. Perhaps if we had stayed put a bit longer I would have begun to feel more at home, but we were on the move pretty often.

Now that we are back home I notice that not only I, but the kids as well, feel like we are a part of the community. When we go out they see relatives and now friends as well and it gives them the sense of familiarity. Even though this was a “new” house that we moved to, it has so much family history that it gives us all a strong sense of grounding and belonging. I hear the kids talk about how they know they are home here and that they know it because so many of their relatives have also lived in this house.

No matter how independent we like to think we are, I believe that we all need a tribe of people in our lives to help hold us up in hard times and to help us celebrate the good ones. We have that here with family and old friends, but we also have that just by being in our community. I have been so touched by how many people have expressed concern for Jenna while she’s been sick these past few weeks. Those close to us of course keep pretty good tabs on her and are sending her well wishes all the time. But, there are people out in our community, in town, who are just used to seeing us out and about who also come over and express concern and love for her when they hear her coughing away.

The lady at our Save On came over and sat with her and offered her one of her cough drops and to tell her she hoped she was feeling better soon. She came to talk to me after and wanted me to know that she had offered it to Jenna just so I would be aware. I said I had been watching them, and how kind it was that she was showing such concern for my little bean.

Guy, the Guy from Guy’s Cafe spent a long time with us this afternoon writing down his home remedy for colds. He made her laugh and feel more comfortable, which was so kind because she’s so self conscious about her coughing away.

Even though sometimes it seems like we are one wave alone on the ocean, in reality we are all joined together by the depths of the sea. Ella (little miss close-but-no-touching) is learning this lesson as well. She has gone from wanting to kill her new brother and sister, to befriending at least Aladdin and accepting Abu (I think Abu and Ella are friends when we aren’t around though). Today I was sitting on the couch having my tea when I felt Aladdin snake around behind me and lie down. Next thing I knew there was a Fancy Tailed Ella in there cuddled up beside him. This is the first time she’s actually cuddled with one of the cats and it was so cute. Proof that we all need love from each other. No matter how much we think we can, or are told we should do it alone, we are better when we have a tribe of loved ones helping us along.

My happiness moment today is a celebration of being a part of our community. Having loved ones close by, knowing that we will look out for them and they for us. Life is good.

 

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Baby it’s cold outside

One of the best things about living outside of the school district is the fact that I get to drive the kids in to school every morning. I wasn’t sure how these mornings were going to work, or how tired I was going to get of driving into town twice (at least) a day. On top of that, this year the kids are at different schools and their start and end times are an hour apart.

What I thought was going to be a horrible spin our wheels time twice a day, has ended up being precious solo time that I get with both kids every single day. Jenna’s young enough, and she still thinks I’m cool enough that I get to hear a lot about her life anyway. But if I didn’t have this solo time with my too cool 14 year old boy I would seriously have no idea at all what was going on in his life. Plus, on days like today it’s a real reminder of how darn funny he is when he’s not all stressed out, or tired, or thinking about girls.

We were listening to Baby it’s cold outside on the way into town today and Jacob came up with this gem:

You know this song is basically about a man being all pervy with some woman right? I mean listen to him – he keeps saying he wants to stay, she keeps saying he really should go. And what’s up with him saying it’s so cold out? He should have a jacket. I mean… surely he knew it was cold outside before he came over. He has no excuse…..

 

Then a few minutes later as we were listening to Frosty

And Frosty is just as bad. What is he doing taking all those kids out into some field? Where are the parents? What is wrong with them – why aren’t they looking after their kids??

 

Then he looks up at the Baptist church (with it’s huge 3 story windows) and says

Holy crap! Look at how big the tree is at the church!! That’s amazing! How do you think they got it in there?? It’s beautiful!

Then he looks at me and asks why I’m laughing so hard. I respond with

Yes, and look, they have light posts in there, and clouds…. dude – it’s the reflection from outside.

Fortunately he is good with laughing at  himself and we shared a good belly chuckle all the way to his school.

If they got on the bus every day, I would miss these golden moments. These are the moments that are making memories for the rest of my life. My happiness moment.

 

 

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The slow road 

Sometimes I get frustrated by how long it is taking me to get my mojo back. I know part of it is impatience, part of it is the fact that that it has seriously been a long, slow road.  Like, I’ve been on this road for a few years now. I just want to be stronger and have my zing back already. I miss that version of me. 

I guess what it also shows is how completely broken I was before I started reaching for better things. When I remember that, and think about where I was, then all I am is proud and excited at how far I’ve come in my journey to make a better life. The best thing is it’s made a better life for those around me too. 

The kids are reaching for the stars while learning what it means to feel firmly grounded and supported. 

Both of my kids are fascinated by these happiness moments I’ve been watching for in the last few months. Often we will be driving to town, or sitting at the dinner table and one of them will start asking what our happiness moment was today. An awesome byproduct of me looking for mine is that they look for theirs now too. 

Tonight I was sitting on the couch contemplating life and Jenna sat down beside me. She asked me what my happiness moment was, and I wasn’t sure yet. Then she cuddled up beside me and we just sat there. Voilà! Instant happiness moment. 

The good thing about being on this long and slow road is that I’m able to take the time to soak in these little happiness moments. The little ones that all add up and make life. 

We took the long slow road home today in the snow and came across one of our four legged friends trying to hide on us. 

  
Being able to slow down and breathe in nature is my antidepressant and anti- anxiety. 

  
So, I will breathe deeply and dig down and keep on this long and slow road. At least I’m headed in the right direction. I’m headed home. 

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Wrestling around 

Today’s happiness moment was watching Jacob at his school wrestling match. Again (Like Jenna’s baton), not necessairly a sport I would have chosen, and that is what makes it so fascinating. I love that they feel free to follow their hearts and explore their own sports.

He was so excited and nervous for this match, the first one since wrestling last year in Virginia. He’s grown about 10 inches since then and gained a lot of skill, so this time around it was a completely different experience. He had two really challenging matches and held his own for a long time in the first one, and then managed to win the second one.

It wasn’t really about the winning though (but that did give him a nice confidence boost), I was really impressed with the sporting environment. All the parents were cheering for their own kids of course, but they were also so supportive of all the other kids competing as well. It was a really warm and friendly e contained inside a competitive one. I was really pleased for him that he’s found something he enjoys so much that has such a positive influence.

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Happy birthday Dad 

Today would have been Dad’s 75th birthday. I haven’t been home to celebrate a birthday with him since he turned 64, and now that I’m here, he’s not. Sigh. Because we celebrated the last 10 birthdays with him over the phone or on Facetime, I wasn’t sure how acutely I would feel him missing here today – that is anymore than any other day. Sometimes my brain convinces my heart that he’s just gone on a trip for a while and I’ll be seeing him soon. Denial, it’s a difficult cloak of protection.

Turns out I miss him quite a lot.

Dad loved going for walks. He was always trying to get someone to go outside and do something with him – walking, skiing, swimming – he just wanted to be outside. Today I wanted to honour his memory by walking along the ridge by our house – one of his favourite places to be. It’s actually one of the spots where we scattered his ashes, and a place where I haven’t been strong enough to walk along since.

Today I knew I needed to walk there. To go to the place that Dad loved so much and where he found so much peace.

I stood at the spot where we had scattered his ashes. I cried for a long time. Thank goodness it’s a beautiful, warm November day or my tears would have frozen on my face and that would have made a sad situation an awkward one as well. I stood and cried and looked out at the view and just let all my emotions flow. It was both really hard and really easy. I had a lot of clarity come to me in those minutes I stood there thanking Dad for all that he had given to me.

Dad was always so good about making sure that I knew that he loved me no matter what. I never had to worry that I would ever do something that would make his love for me falter in any way. As I go through life and realize that so much of what is called love is conditional it gives me an even greater appreciation for this pure and true emotion of love. What a gift to have, what a gift to give.

I stood there and thanked God for the beautiful place we live in. Dad wanted to spend eternity in the spots he loved so deeply and being there brought me such peace and comfort.

the view along the ridge where we scattered the ashes

I walked for a while with my Dotted Dog and her Naughty Puppy Friend before getting a text from Jacob that he was on his way. He walked up and joined us and we walked the rest of the ridge together.

It was so calm and warm. It felt beautiful to have the sun shine its healing rays on us while we walked and laughed over memories of Dad. The kids miss him so deeply, he was such an important force in their lives. 

Last year at Christmas Dad and I walked the ridge and for some reason decided to stop and take our first ever (and what ended up being our only) selfie. It was the last walk I took with Dad, even though I didn’t know that at the time. We had such a deep, spiritual conversation – I’m so thankful we had the time for those kinds of moments.

omg it was so cold that day

Jacob and I stopped at the same place today and took our own selfie in memory of Dad. I think he would have really liked that we were out there together remembering him. 

After I was back home, I was sitting at the table with Jenna talking about Dad. She leaned over and petted my arm and said “I bet you really miss him today”. Then she said “If it makes you feel any better, while you were out on your walk I went up to my bedroom and sang him happy birthday” and then she burst into tears. So, we sat at the table and cried for a little while. Then we found a video that she and I had made last year on his birthday wishing him a happy day. We cried some more. We did manage to keep talking through our memories until we found some that made us feel better. There are lots of good memories.

I’m pretty lucky because I had a Dad who loved life and loved to pull us into it at full force. Even when I’m sure he wasn’t interested in what I was doing he was always there to listen to me and to talk about things or to watch me do things (the hours that man spent at the side of a riding ring watching me go round and round on my horse. Both my parents spent ages in the heat or (usually) the cold watching me ride).

I work hard at continuing to walk through my grief. I miss him like crazy, but I know he would want us to jump into life with everything we have, without fear. I don’t want to deaden my emotions, I want to feel them deeply and breathe through the tough ones. If I don’t feel the sad emotions, I also won’t feel the joyful emotions. I am on this happiness journey and Dad has been a big part of that. I find happiness in new experiences and I find happiness in memories. As proof of that, my happiness moment today included remembering all the love and fun times shared with Dad, and also experiencing fun times with Jacob (and those crazy dogs) on our walk. There is more tearful happiness to come tonight as my sister and her family join us for a family supper at home.

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The digestive fire

  
Jacob: bwaahaaaa Jenna, I made your water gross. I put in mostly hot and then some cold so it’s a disgusting warm temperature. 

Jenna: that’s ok. That’s how I like it. 

Me: exactly. That’s how I do her water every morning. 

Jenna: yes. Because cold water isn’t good for you – right mom?

Me: right. It puts out your Agni – remember?- your digestive fire. 

Jenna: oh yeah. What’s your digestive fire do again?

Jacob: it ignites your farts. 

And then we all fall down laughing. It was my happiness moment, but I’m also happy that they have paid at least minimal attention to all of my talking about Ayurveda. Although like any good teenage boy, he had to turn the conversation to farting. 

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Sushi party 

15 years ago when I was pregnant with Jacob we joined a birth and babies class through the hospital. For the first year after the babies were born most of us got together weekly for a baby group, we did baby swimming lessons together, and we had a massive baby’s first birthday party. 

All these years later there are two families that we have reconnected with. Tonight we got together for a make your own sushi party   

All the prep work was done by our gracious hosts before we arrived and all we had to do was sit, roll, laugh, and eat. It was a fantastic way to have a dinner party. 

We laughed and ate and laughed and ate and when we were too full to eat, we played Apples to Apples and laughed and played and laughed some more. 

There were tears shed, both from accidential wasabi overdoses and from laughter. 

What a great happiness moment. It is such a blessing to have friends back in our lives and to have people to laugh with.    
 

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My Inukshuk. My path. 

The traditional meaning of the Inukshuk is someone was here, or you are on the right path. 

I spent some time today doing some energy work with Asrael. I always feel so much better after our sessions, but today seemed even more powerful. All things Ayurveda are helpful with my healing. 

Lately I’ve been working on the art of allowing  in my life. I’ve spent years either making things happen by sheer force of will, or denying myself things because I felt I didn’t deserve them. Now I’m learning to allow good things into my life. 

We spent some time today talking about this path that I’m on. I told her about all my doubts and fears and how even with those that  I have the strong feeling that I’m doing exactly what I should be doing. 

 I remind myself to have faith and to listen to that part of my soul that knows I’m doing the right thing. I can feel it, I just have to trust and honour it. I’m doing the right thing, no matter how  anyone else feels about it, or what that tiny voice of doubt says. What I’m doing is healing my soul and that has value. 

Tonight Jacob and I were driving home from school at sunset time. He told me how how school had been all lit up in the sunshine while there were clouds everywhere else. I told him how it was snowing at home. 

When we looked west there was a brilliant yellow sun shining bright and clear rays down on the foothills (by our home). I told Jacob it looked like the door to heaven was open and Grandpa was watching us. He agreed and said he could feel him around. It was like Dad had heard us talking this morning about how much we were missing him. 

As we drove on the backroad home the sunset changed into this 

   
 
An Inukshuk shining brightly in the sky. A sign from the heavens that I’m on the right path. This has been my year of miracles and spiritual guidance. I’m grateful I’m not walking this path alone. My happiness moment. My life. 

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