It feels like it’s been a long week. Tonight I realized I had an empty house – so instead of going out or doing anything, I celebrated by getting into my pjs and watching chick flicks. It’s bliss.
I love the house with the kids in it, but I can’t remember the last time I’ve had a quiet evening to myself. It’s happiness.
I had a coaching call today and I talked about how my broken arm had lead to some big personal changes. There has been a chance the last couple of months for me to heal some areas of my life that I had been too busy to stop and pay attention to. I was forced into this quietness, and it allowed me to reflect on the things I had been ignoring.
We talk about being broken like it’s a bad thing. But sometimes you need to be broken to stop resisting and submit and allow space for good things to grow. It would be great if I could learn lessons the easy way, but usually I have to be taken down the difficult path and really learn the grit of the lesson so it sticks.
I am loving this course. It’s helping me, and in turn I will be able to help others shine their lights more brightly. Happiness.
I stopped at Planet Organic tonight to get a few items – giant jug of maple syrup among them.
At the till the man asked for my name, but when I gave it to him it didn’t bring up my customer number. I fished out the card, he turned the screen as he swiped so we could see what name came up.
When I saw the name I said oh that’s who I used to be. He laughed and asked if I wanted him to change it (I did). Then he said that’s who I used to be – I like that. I wish I could change myself sometimes too.
And I told him it’s possible to change yourself without needing a name change. You just have to do it.
Then he told me how to make candied nuts with the ton of maple syrup I had bought. He said I could add nut lady onto my list of changed names.
I like it. Weird conversations that make me laugh. It’s happiness.
I had the opportunity that allowed me to reflect on what my life would be like now if I hadn’t started making small changes all those years ago. I would be someone I wouldn’t recognize – in fact even when I look back on that old life I can’t believe that was me.
I think about the day I fell on the floor and prayed for change, it was almost 6 years ago, after the incident at Canadian Thanksgiving. It seemed like change took forever to happen, yet here we are now living a life completely different life. Small changes, big results.
What if I was that person I used to be still? I’d be broken. Totally and completely broken. Living a life I wasn’t made for, pretending to be someone else, lost and sad.
Sometimes I feel like it takes too long for the changes to occur – I get impatient. I’ve been working for this better life for so long. The boy reminded me the other day mom – you yourself said that sometimes God has to wait until you’re totally broken apart so He can put you back together. And that’s true. I’m so damn stubborn, it takes a lot before I’ll accept the help I need. This shoulder thing has been a good lesson for me in learning to accept help and appreciate the kindness of those around me. Today, on week 8 after my fall, a neighbour is still bringing us a weekly meal. Every single Monday she’s shown up with something for us. Talk about an act of kindness.
All those small changes brought Drishti into my life. He was my drishti years before I knew he existed.
If you don’t know how he came to have his name – here’s a recap:
A dristhi is a specific point of focus that is used during meditation or while holding a yoga pose. The reason for the focal point is due to the belief that where our gaze is directed, our attention naturally flows. It is a way of looking for the Divine everywhere, and it allows us to see God in everything. It blocks out the clutter and noise, and keeps our intention set on what is important. Focus all of your attention on your drishti and all the chaos of the world disappears and you are able to connect with God.
For me, horses always have been my spiritual vehicle. When things were bad and I was so out of balance, I prayed for and focused my attention (set my drishti) on having a horse to ride again. So, when through a series of miracles this horse came to my life I knew his name was Drishti. He makes the chaos of my world disappear so I can focus on what is important.
If it weren’t for all the small changes, this wouldn’t be my life now. And I love my life now. And that is happiness.
I don’t think you ever get so old you don’t need your parents. The specific needs may change, but that relationship is (or should be) the first one you ever form with another person and are safe in the knowledge that they love you and would do anything to provide a safe and happy life for you.
It’s the model my parents gave me as I was growing up. And although I miss my dad every day, I treasure the memories he left me with. I am beyond grateful that we are back home and I get to have a daily relationship with my mom again. We really all need each other – that tribe – to stay strong and to know love.
I’m so grateful for the love, strength, and support my mom gives me every single day. It reminds me to turn around and give that same gift to my kids and it all flows round in a circle of love. That is happiness.
The boy started up his weekly basketball at our gym again tonight. All be way home all I heard was ahhh I’m so sore, that was so fun, I needed that.
It helps balance him. Finding balance is happiness.
In huge personal news, I lay down this morning to do some of my exercises and I was able to move my arm to about a 45 degree angle! This is a huge improvement from having no mobility at all after I broke it. There’s still not a lot of lateral movement and it still hurts like a fother mucker but it’s an improvement.
Happy dances all around.
My boy got a chance to show me how much he loves to jump today. For the first time I put him over some cavaletti- at first he thought they were the scariest things in the world, but in very short order he was running around, jumping them of his own accord.
The boy can jump! I love to jump. Soon we will do this together. It’s passion, passion is happiness.
On that note, I listened to the boy talk about his hopes and dreams on the way to town. It’s an exciting time with the whole world ahead of him. I hope nothing ever happens to crush his dreams, that he never lets that passion fade. Mostly that will mean not listening to the people who tell him it’s not possible. There are lots of dream killers, with both good and bad intentions.
Listen to your soul. Let your heart sing. Find your dharma. That is the road to happiness.
This has always been my source of happiness. Always and to the core of my soul. The only thing I like better than watching horses fly is being on a flying horse myself.
