Tag Archives: peace

happiness

The heart of a father 

The closer we get to the first anniversary of dad’s passing the more I feel all these emotions coming up. I think there was a lot about the last couple of weeks of his life that I wasn’t able to process. There was so much going on, we were so in the moment and also fearing the moment at the same time. I still can’t believe it’s been almost a year. 

For the first time since he died, today I sat at the computer and went through some of his “best of” photos. Dad was an amazing photographer and looking at the memories he left for us made me cry and feel joy at the same time. It wasn’t long before one by one, everyone in the house joined me in an impromptu memorial. We talked about dad, shared memories, shared feelings, laughed at old stories, discussed what a talented photographer he was, and honoured his presence in our lives. 

I’m so grateful we have each other to work through this with. There were many tears today, and I’m sure there will be many more over the next couple of weeks. But I am so grateful he was my dad and that he was such a good dad. 

This is one of his photos of a place where he loved to walk. We went up and down this path countless times together. Some of his ashes are now scattered here so he can always be close to one of his beloved spots. 


Two happiness moments today. The big, spiritual one was quiet time shared with my mom and sister as we talked about dad. 

The other one was a crazy, messed up game of Twister after supper. 

I am so thankful for my tribe. 

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Peace within

These past few days have been filled with jumbled emotions for me. I’m nervous and excited about completing my Ayurveda course, I’m being filled with bittersweet memories of where We were a year ago, and I have this deep sense of peace that I am exactly where I am supposed to be. 

Maybe I will never process all of the emotions that filled me at this time last year. Even now, looking back as we entered into the last week of Dad’s life I couldn’t believe we were there. I was beginning to understand that it was part of God’s plan, but I couldn’t imagine life without him. Here we are a year later and I still can’t believe he’s not here. There are still tears shed on a regular basis as I drive back and forth on that gravel road. 

And yet here we are, here I am a year later and so much has changed. I feel like a completely different person and yet more like myself than I ever have. This year of growth has allowed changes in me that have been waiting to burst forth for a lifetime. 

I’m sure the next couple of weeks will be filled with more random tears than normal. They’ll also have me sitting with old memories, happy memories, of things we used to do with Dad. Best of all, it’s his time of year, which makes it easier to get out and celebrate his memory. The wildflowers have appeared, the blossoms are on the trees, there is new life and new hope everywhere. 

My happiness moment today is being with the kiddos and their friends in Canmore. The drive here is always phenomenal, their laughter lifts my spirits, and I have this deep peace in my soul. 

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My heart will always be at home 

I realized today that finally, truly, and deeply, my heart understands that we are home. For the past year I have wanted to lie on the ground and hold on – partly in gratitude, but also because there was a fear that this was going to be snatched away. My soul has shifted and now it is at peace and content with the fact that we are here. We are back where we belong with our tribe. 

Now that we have the security and grounding of having a place where we belong, it becomes safe to spread our wings again. We will each do it in our own way, but it will happen with the knowledge that there is this base of love to fall back on. 

My happiness moment was when I was out walking tonight. I soaked in the scenery that I love so much, visited with family, and thanked God for this life that I have. 

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Keeping the faith

Yesterday in the conference I’m attending, we talked about the fact that often we come up against a wall that prevents us from being able to move ahead. Even when we know we are walking on the right path and have a clear sense of what we are doing and where we are going, sometimes this huge wall comes up and we are unable to go through or around it. Brian talks about how we can learn to create a door and walk through that. Not that there is a guarantee that everything on the other side of the door is easy necessarily, but it means that we have made it through the wall.

I woke up last night at 2am with a very strong understanding that I am sitting at my door in the wall, but that it is locked. I lay there for a while wondering what to do about that. I had no idea where the key was, what it looked like, or what I needed to do in order to unlock it. I stewed for a while, finally asking God to show me what the hell this meant (God has got used to the fact that I don’t use church language in my daily life), and then fell back asleep without having any clear answer (or even a foggy answer).

I got up and read my devotional this morning and it gave me some guidance (big surprise). Faith is being certain of what we do not see (Hebrews 11:1). Genuine faith puts its letter in the mailbox and lets go. Distrust, however, holds on to a corner of the envelope and then wonders why the letter never arrives…. it is the same with genuine faith. It hands its circumstance over to God, allowing Him to to work…. “Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him and he will do this”. He will never work until we commit. Faith is receiving – or even more, actually appropriating – the gifts God offers us. We may believe in Him, come to Him, commit to Him and rest in Him but we will never fully realize all our blessings until we begin to receive from Him… (Streams in the Desert)

Yesterday there was a lot of focus on making a commitment. We need to make very clear and concise intentions and then commit to them so that we can then receive them. I have known for a while that I get blocked at the receiving or allowing phase of things. As I was driving into town today to hook onto the internet and I was listening to Just be Held it came to me. Really it was spoken to me. I need to surrender all the crap I’m carrying so that I can receive. There’s so much fear tied into that surrender.

Of course, the thing that I am also aware is my greatest challenge is the thing I need to do to get through the damn door. Who is surprised? It enforces the fact that my focus is in the right place though. I need to continue to work on surrender. Being able to surrender will allow me to finally move beyond my fear and my pain. I will not spend the rest of my life being defined by fear and pain. It’s exactly why I started this blog – to move into a state of happiness.

I have so much to say about what I’m learning this weekend. It’s already profoundly changed the way I’m going to move into my professional practice – and given me the confidence boost I needed to do that. It has overridden the negative hateful voice of Mr. X telling me I will fail. Love wins – always.

A happiness moment I gained today that I didn’t expect was that I made friends over the past couple of days. Some of them I will get to meet in real life in June and some of them I will continue to connect with online. I’ve added more people to my tribe – healers like me who are banding together to bring light to the world.

I’ve come out of the weekend with my vision:

My vision is to bring happiness and peace to people’s lives

 

 

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My peeps 

My happiness moment today is remembering how awesome the people are whom I have in my life. So many of you have reached out to us in love and support – not only these last few days but in the last year or so. I am so incredibly fortunate to have such loving, supportive, kick-ass people in my life. 

I was standing in the kitchen of the house that was provided to us by family, after driving the car my sister has loaned to me, having spent the day with my mom who has just been a huge source of support and I realized how incredibly fortunate we are. What a safe place to fall. 

Having beautiful souls in my life is the greatest gift I could have. So as a top off to that happiness, the kids and I are going to cuddle on the couch and watch a movie together. 

Thank you all for your love and support. It means the world xox. 

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It’s all part of the same family

Tonight we had a wonderful happiness moment in the form of a family supper. Jacob and I came late to the party as we wee back in urgent care getting his ribs checked (again). Arriving tired, emotional, and hungry, it was so heart warming to come into the house and see it full of family. 

That house has always been a multi generational home in my heart. As far as my memory goes back there have been grandparents, parents, kids, siblings, and cousins running around the place. The people may have aged and the generations shifted, but there we are all the same. 

Tonight once again there was laughter filled in the dining room by grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, siblings, and everything in between. Keeping these roots that help me grow strong is so important. 

As we were leaving, Jacob looked down the driveway and said there’s three different families all sitting here waiting for us to pull out (we had parked everyone in). And I replied and yet we are all the same family. 

Having those bonds with the ones I love is priceless. This is what being home is all about and I’m so thankful I can provide this kind of grounding and security for the kids. 

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A silhouette of hope

  
This photo that I took this morning seems to express how I am feeling right now. Some dark, some shadows, rays of light, and a beautiful horse. Because everything hopeful in my life should include a horse. 

I am in a period of great uncertainty where I am having to rely heavily on my faith and trust that every blind step I am taking is one that will lead to a happier life. 

Moments like this one with the horse give me great joy and happiness. I feel my soul calm and am able to breathe deeply and find strength to face the things that cause me fear. 

My happiness moment was this great moment of peace in the morning. It was enhanced by great moments of love and support given to me throughout the day. These came in many different forms:  words of encouragement, super duper help with child care and taxi servicing to lessons (from my awesome cousin), kind smiles, feelings of love, and the grounding of home. 

The warmth that I get from looking at this photo is one I know I will return to many times to find peace. 

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Dashing through the snow 

Today’s happiness moment is a very simple one because it was a simple kind of day. We seemed to all be pretty tired and there wasn’t a lot of movement. That’s happiness in and of itself, as I feel like we are always on the go. 

It snowed off and on all day which made for a beautiful winter silence. Jenna and I drove over to my cousin’s place in my city car, pretty unsure we were going to make it safely. But that little car dug deep (literally in some places) and we powered through. 

My happiness moment was driving through the snow with my girl as we looked at the deer in the fields. It was a beautiful moment. 

  

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In Flanders Fields

  
The poem In Flanders Fields has always tugged at my heartstrings. I didn’t have grandparents or great grandparents who fought in the war, but I was brought up being very aware of the sacrifices that soldiers made for our country, and I have a great amount of gratitude. 

My elementary school did an excellent job of explaining Remembrance Day to us kids. They brought in soldiers who had fought and they told us their stories. They brought in holocaust survivors who told their stories and who showed us their tattoos (that visual was pretty powerful and has stayed with me all these  years later).  

In university I studied Canadian history and learned more about Canada’s role during the world wars. My appreciation for those who left and fought for our freedom grew, as it did for those who stayed and grew food (my family) or supported the war on the Homefront in other ways. 

During the time we lived in the states I got to know quite a few families who had loved ones fighting now, and I became very aware of the fears, love, pain, and pride that was felt by their families. 

This is the first Remembrance Day that the kids remember honouring in Canada. It’s been moving to see how it has touched them, especially Jacob. I am so happy and grateful to live in this blessed and beautiful country. I am grateful for all of those who have given their lives so we can live in safety and peace. My happiness moment. 

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My Inukshuk. My path. 

The traditional meaning of the Inukshuk is someone was here, or you are on the right path. 

I spent some time today doing some energy work with Asrael. I always feel so much better after our sessions, but today seemed even more powerful. All things Ayurveda are helpful with my healing. 

Lately I’ve been working on the art of allowing  in my life. I’ve spent years either making things happen by sheer force of will, or denying myself things because I felt I didn’t deserve them. Now I’m learning to allow good things into my life. 

We spent some time today talking about this path that I’m on. I told her about all my doubts and fears and how even with those that  I have the strong feeling that I’m doing exactly what I should be doing. 

 I remind myself to have faith and to listen to that part of my soul that knows I’m doing the right thing. I can feel it, I just have to trust and honour it. I’m doing the right thing, no matter how  anyone else feels about it, or what that tiny voice of doubt says. What I’m doing is healing my soul and that has value. 

Tonight Jacob and I were driving home from school at sunset time. He told me how how school had been all lit up in the sunshine while there were clouds everywhere else. I told him how it was snowing at home. 

When we looked west there was a brilliant yellow sun shining bright and clear rays down on the foothills (by our home). I told Jacob it looked like the door to heaven was open and Grandpa was watching us. He agreed and said he could feel him around. It was like Dad had heard us talking this morning about how much we were missing him. 

As we drove on the backroad home the sunset changed into this 

   
 
An Inukshuk shining brightly in the sky. A sign from the heavens that I’m on the right path. This has been my year of miracles and spiritual guidance. I’m grateful I’m not walking this path alone. My happiness moment. My life. 

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