Tag Archives: peace

happiness

The ride home from DQ

We went out this evening for a little DQ treat. I am not exactly sure how the kids convinced me it needed to be done, but they did, and there we were. For some reason when we were there all three of us were cranky and out of sorts. How that is even possible while eating a sundae is beyond my understanding, but it happened. 

On the way home there was an explosion of emotion of gargantuan proportion. My poor little family has been through so much over the last couple of years, and it seems sometimes like there’s been no chance to stop and absorb all the changes. 

One good thing about the bond the three of us has is that we are pretty in tune with each other’s emotions. Even when there’s an explosion it does not last long,  and it’s usually a pretty effective way of getting all the emotional crap out and dealt with. 

I’ve discovered on this happiness journey that true happiness is so much more than butterflies and rainbows. It takes many shapes and often comes out of harder times. My happiness moment today was talking through some deep stuff with my little people. They teach me so much about how to be kind and strong. They show me how to love unconditionally and how to keep faith no matter what we face. I am so grateful for those two little souls. 

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The last night

It’s the last night before the beginning of summer vacation. The last night I have to chase the kids to bed early(ish) so that they can get up and have a fighting chance of getting through the day. The last night I have to think about what I’m going to pack in lunches the next day (hallelujah).

It’s also the last time I have a kid in grade 5 and grade 9. How did the time go by so quickly?

I was thinking earlier today about how this really is their time. These are the years that hopefully they will look back on with fond memories. The years when their values and morals get shaped and formed, when their friendship bonds are made, when their sense of the security of home and family is established. I hope with all the crap of the last few years that they are able to say that some of it was good. We all have our own baggage to carry no matter what our life story is – I hope they remember the good times, the people who love them, and come out it with the understanding that there is a tribe of people who love them and support them no matter what.

I had a beautiful happiness moment walking tonight with Jenna. She babbled the entire time about how much she enjoyed her field trip today, how excited she is about having friends over tomorrow, and how happy she is that summer is almost here. On the way back we passed a cow and her baby trotting off the other way on much the same kind of evening walk.

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In Dad’s words

I spent some time this morning looking through the books that Dad put together for us over the past few years. They include some of his photography, but also he did a lot of writing as he shared his spiritual beliefs and told stories of the flowers we used to look at together.

I came across something he wrote for Advent in 2007 that gave me huge comfort today. I miss our talks and I miss his guidance. We didn’t always agree on everything, but I know he always supported and wanted the best for all of his loved ones. I think I took for granted for a lot of years what it was like to go through life knowing that I had these two powerful forces in my parents who would always have my back no matter what showed up ahead of me. I didn’t realize what a unique and special gift that was until I had hit a few bumps in the road and really discovered who really had my back in the dark times.

Dad’s words:

There are times when it is exciting to go fast.  At these times it is very easy to forget to thank Jesus for all that we are given.

But sometimes we get going too fast. Sometimes we try to do too much. As a child at school and a grownup working inside or outside a home. At these times we often forget to ask Jesus to guide us and take  time to pray for his assistance. He is waiting for our call.

Sometimes we get so overwhelmed that we want to go and hide. At these times we are so concerned about our problems that we do not feel Jesus walking through it with us. But he is there with us.

With all this activity, it can be difficult to remember why we’re so busy.

But if we can find just one quiet moment in our day to pause and centre ourselves and think about the awesome, beautiful sacrifice Christ came to make;

If we can spend even a second thanking Him for His ministry, His teachings, and His example, and His life, death and resurrection, we will surely be able to find within ourselves that intangible “Spirit of Christmas” that enables us to give of ourselves until we think we’ve giving it all – and then give just that one bit more – to find that we are able to give whatever is needed at all times of the year.

I have wondered over the past few months what advice Dad would give me as my life has turned inside out and taken a completely different direction. I think of our walks along the ridge while we explored and discussed our Faith, and I think this is pretty much exactly what he would say to me right now.

I am so thankful he took the hours of love labour to put together these books for us to have to remember him by. I am thankful for the guidance he showed me and the unconditional love that was showered on me.

Aside from the deep soul bittersweet happiness of these memories, I have a happiness moment to look forward to later on today. We are gathering with some of the extended tribe to celebrate the other fathers in the family. I feel incredibly blessed that we have so many strong, loving men in our family.

this is one of Dad’s photos of the sunflowers. In the months after he died sunflowers kept showing up in my life all over the place. They remind me that he is still close by.

 

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Setting the standard

I was pretty sure when I woke up this morning that my happiness moment was going to be a no brainer – today is my unniversary.

I wasn’t sure what to do about that this year. It’s been a difficult day for me for the past few years as things went from difficult and strained to really freaking bad. This year though, I felt like it needed recognition somehow. This year the date marks the beginning of my new life, of freedom, of the possibilities of new beginnings

I pulled out my wedding album and took scissors and then a match to it. I have wondered for a while what to do with that album. I didn’t want it in the house anymore, I didn’t feel like just throwing it out. So, I had a ceremony with it. I let all of the hopes, dreams, prayers for that life go up in flames. I set fire to them and watched them drift away. They’re not hopes, dreams, or prayers for my life anymore – and I have not wanted them for a while. I have new ones now, happy ones, authentic ones.

Interestingly, it was not something done in anger. It was done very mindfully and it released a lot of stuff that really needed to go. I saged the house afterwards and felt those toxic emotions leave our home.

I realized that I will never, ever again let someone else set the standard for what I can achieve. I also realized that the people who are close in my life now believe in me and want to see me thrive – as I do for them.

Then I spent the afternoon with someone who has become very dear to me. It came to me while we were together that I am no longer running from anything, I also am no longer running towards anything . I am now living in this space where I am. I am on the road and I’m loving the journey.

I thought that was going to be my happiness moment, but then the kids and I went to the fruit truck in Cochrane and loaded up with BC cherries and raspberries. We ran back to the car and sat in the parking lot gorging ourselves and moaning loudly about how delicious it was. I love this time of year when the berries and the cherries have arrived. I love that they love it as much as I do.

(this is one of my dad’s photos)

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Thrive in your tribe 

Those of you who know me in real life know that I often laugh about how I don’t like people. And while I do often find being around too many people for too long overwhelming, I am also well aware that I need my tribe in order to thrive. 

A good thing about my tribe is we laugh together about being so introverted we need people breaks on a regular basis – we all get each other that way which makes it easy. And there is the odd extrovert which is also a good thing because they get me in a different way. 

The important thing though, is that we laugh together. More and more I am grateful for my people, and understand the importance of getting together with them and strengthening those bonds. I have a lot of women in my extended family which means I was fortunate enough to have been born with a ready made tribe. We are all realizing how lucky we are to have this built in support system and I can see more and more we are taking advantage of it. 

Today we had a cousin lunch in town which included me and two cousins and my mom and her cousin’s wife. Even when we don’t see each other on a regular basis, we share the same background and have the same kinds of stories. These are some of my treasured relationships. Sharing stories and breaking bread with some of my fabulous women was my happiness moment today. 

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The open door

We have worked very hard to create a home that is safe, loving, warm, and happy. For a while it meant that we kind of shut our space down and kept it a very private and protected place. Now that we are home and surrounded by loved ones, those barriers are able to come down in huge ways and the home is becoming a more open, joyful, free place again.

 

Today I had finally convinced myself to get some housework done and was blasting music and vacuuming up pet hair (ugh) when I looked out the window and saw my aunt standing outside. What a wonderful surprise! She and my uncle had been visiting in the area and stopped by to see if I could join them for lunch. It’s another one of those things I appreciate more after being away for so long – I love that our tribe can just stop by and say hi at any given time. We spent years and years being lonely and isolated from our people. I had a lovely happiness moment enjoying lunch and a visit with my aunt and uncle – I don’t get to see them often enough.

As a bonus secondary happiness moment, cousins joined up at the top of the driveway today after school. It warms my heart to see this group of kids hanging out together. These cousin bonds are so important. My own sister and cousin friendships have carried me through every bump in my life.

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On the cliff

I’ve been perched in this space between grounding myself and learning to fly. It’s a weird place to be in, but one I am learning to honor and appreciate. 

I was still a bit out of sorts this morning and found myself heading out on the trail where Pirate and I spent hours, days, weeks wandering around back in the day. Without knowing it, what I was doing then was plugging into my Source, or connecting to God. And it’s what I needed to do today. I’ve realized that once again I’ve been spending too much time asking and questioning, and not enough time listening and allowing. 

I wandered over to the edge of the cliff and sat in the grass, looking over the buffalo jumps and down at the creek. I have had so many happy times in that space over the years – not only with Pirare, but skating and swimming on the creek and wandering the fields looking at flowers. There is something about that space that connects me right into my spiritual being. 

So I sat and talked and listened and cried. I did get some good direction though. I need to figure out what I need in order to be soul happy. I also need to figure out the best way that I am to be of service. My heart knows the answers. I just need to listen to it. 

And I need to sit in my quiet space more often. How could time in this place be anything but a happiness moment?

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Follow your heart 

The last few years have been spent really learning to listen to my heart. You can call it what you’d like – listening to my heart, listening to God, honouring my intuition, it has all put me on the path leading to where I am now. 

Here’s what I know for sure. When I ignored my heart, ignored those voices speaking from my soul, and tried to play the game of life safely things didn’t work out so well for me. In fact everything I played safely for made me miserable and I ended up losing it all in the end. I was empty and broken. When I was left with nothing and had the chance to start over I realized I had the power to make some changes. I could decide how I wanted to live the rest of my life. 

Now my heart, my intuition, my spiritual voice is the one who gets to make the decisions and I can’t remember when I’ve been happier. It’s amazing how much anxiety can be avoided, how much energy saved, when I just stop and listen to that inner guidance system. Even in this place of uncertainty and insecurity I’m more convinced than ever that I’m doing the right thing. 

I can tell it’s right because my heart is happier. My happiness moment today was some time spent really connecting with that happy, peaceful part of my heart. It’s a pretty amazing feeling to know that my heart is safe and in a good place. 

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Setting the standard 

I was pretty sure when I woke up this morning that my happiness moment was going to be a no brainer – today is my unniversary.

I wasn’t sure what to do about that this year. It’s been a difficult day for me for the past few years as things went from difficult and strained to really freaking bad. This year though, I felt like it needed recognition somehow. This year the date marks the beginning of my new life, of freedom, of the possibilities of new beginnings

I pulled out my wedding album and took scissors and then a match to it. I have wondered for a while what to do with that album. I didn’t want it in the house anymore, I didn’t feel like just throwing it out. So, I had a ceremony with it. I let all of the hopes, dreams, prayers for that life go up in flames. I set fire to them and watched them drift away. They’re not hopes, dreams, or prayers for my life anymore – and I have not wanted them for a while. I have new ones now, happy ones, authentic ones.

Interestingly, it was not something done in anger. It was done very mindfully and it released a lot of stuff that really needed to go. I saged the house afterwards and felt those toxic emotions leave our home.

I realized that I will never, ever again let someone else set the standard for what I can achieve. I also realized that the people who are close in my life now believe in me and want to see me thrive – as I do for them.

Then I spent the afternoon with someone who has become very dear to me. It came to me while we were together that I am no longer running from anything, I also am no longer running towards anything . I am now living in this space where I am. I am on the road and I’m loving the journey.

I thought that was going to be my happiness moment, but then the kids and I went to the fruit truck in Cochrane and loaded up with BC cherries and raspberries. We ran back to the car and sat in the parking lot gorging ourselves and moaning loudly about how delicious it was. I love this time of year when the berries and the cherries have arrived. I love that they love it as much as I do.

(this is one of my dad’s photos)

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I’ll wait for you under the bluebells 

I had a good friend remind me today that love never ends. Just because someone is gone does not mean we stop loving them. I remember thinking a year ago at this time as we watched Dad start to slip away that I was so grateful for unconditional love. I knew that not only did I have it here, but that once he was gone that love would stay. 

I feel so frustrated sometimes, so much has happened this year. I’ve had all these spiritual challenges and miracles happen and it’s all the kind of thing I would have talked with him about as we walked the ridge. I still go outside and talk away, andI know he’s listening because I can feel him with me, and God keeps opening doors that I’ve thought were locked. But still. I’d sure love a face to face chat. 

I don’t think I’ve ever cried so much in my life as I have this past year, or sworn, or given thanks. I know for sure it has left me so grateful for where I am and the direction I’m heading. 

This is another one of Dad’s photos. I can imagine him sitting out in a field of bluebells. 


We had snow this morning. Gotta love Alberta – Mother Nature does what she wants. I had to send the kids out to beat snow off of our precious lilac bush. My happiness moment was warching them stand under the trees and beat the snow. Of course it all landed on them which lead to much laughing and shouting. 

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