Tag Archives: peace

happiness

A Dad day

For some reason today has been a day surrounded by memories of my Dad. I was driving this afternoon and was all of a sudden hit with this huge wave of regret. That specific regret is a feeling I try really hard to stuff as far down as I can and pretend it’s not there. I feel so badly that the kids and I weren’t able to come back home much sooner. He was so sick and both of my parents could have used my help. And yet I was stuck in my own horrible situation waiting for my own miracle to arrive (and it did). 

The kids and I spent some time this evening at the creek – which was a place my Dad loved to be at. That spot is filled with so many good memories of swimming in the summer and skating in the winter. I miss him so much but being at the creek was a good reminder that there is so much simple joy that can be easily found. I feel so blessed that it is right here at my back door.

Sitting at the creek, sitting in my emotions, opening my heart – my happiness moment 

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Kayaking 

We did a forced family fun trip to Waterton today. It’s one of our favourite places to be, all of our souls seem to settle as soon as we get surrounded by the mountains. 

We have our usual routine – have lunch near the lake, skip rocks, eat ice cream, go bear hunting (no bears this time. I think they’re all at our place). This time we added in kayaking for fun. The kids are naturals, me not as much. But it was so fun and I didn’t capsize so I consider that a win – and a happiness moment. 


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Sushi Saturday 

We managed to have a much needed quiet  family day today. This has been a really weird week filled with a lot of emotion and at the end of it – I’m tired. 

This week I stood in the middle of the storm while my only fear that did not happen in the process of leaving my marriage played out for someone else in my tribe. It allowed me to sort through buried emotions I didn’t know I had and made me realize that I was strong enough to ride out that storm with someone else. I am thankful I was there for her, but I’m also thankful for the healing gifts it gave me. 

My moment of happiness was gathering around the table with my monsters this evening for a massive sushi pig out. It was nice to settle back into regular family routine again. I’m so happy my boy is back. Jenna finished the meal by saying I knew we should have worn stretchy pants. Wise words. 

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Into the fury of the fire 

Today we gathered together as a family and as a community and said farewell to my Uncle Harvey. He was my mom’s cousin, but in this large, close knit, extended family he was still uncle to me.

 I spent hours, days, seasons, riding in the fields on his ranch as a smaller child. It was one of the places where I learned the life lessons of courage and strength that have sustained me so well these past few years as I have been rebuilding a more peaceful and happier soul. My courage and strength were both tested every single time I got on a horse at their place and was pushed to the limit of my fears. I will be forever grateful for the lessons I learned from them. 

His sons were talking today at his funeral about uncle Harvey’s own courage and strength and how he taught those around him to be the same by example rather than words. Anyone can say the words to describe the person they want to be, it takes a brave soul to actually live by those words. 

Almost 50 years ago there was a prairie fire in the community and everyone had rushed out to help put it out. Uncle Harvey had been away so when he returned home he knew people were working hard to stop the fire. Instead of joining them, he ran to the barn and saddled up his horse. He grabbed his wire cutters and headed flat out into the fury of the fire. He opened gates and cut wires in fences to let the livestock escape the oncoming fire. 

They spoke of the kind of man who was both brave and kind enough to run full on into a fire to save the animals. That takes a special kind of individual and one that I am so grateful played such a big role in teaching me about courage and bravery. 

My happiness moment ironically came in the middle of the funeral. I was thinking of the gifts that he gave me as a child and how they are gifts I have opened over and over again in my life. There have been so many different people who God has put in my path who have handed me the gifts I needed to carry myself into the next place I wanted to get to. All the emotional craziness of this week has also been a gift. Somehow in the middle of all of it I have settled into a place of spiritual peace that has been missing for quite sometime – and even though I have no idea how it happened, I’m so grateful for that. 

Uncle Harvey’s work clothes. 

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Reconnecting 

I have had the strangest 24+ hours that I can recall. Emotions have run high and priorities have been reassessed. I have decided a couple of really positive things have come out of this time. 

One is that I have reconnected with a dear, old friend after a 20 year absence in a deep and honest way that couldn’t have happened if circumstances had been different. There’s nothing like a situation that causes you to drop all your guards down and look at the bare bones of what is needed to see what a person is truly made of. This lady is one strong and brave woman. 

The other is that it had made me dump out a few remaining bags of emotional garbage I was carrying around from the end of my marriage. Stuff I didn’t even know was still sitting there. I emptied it out and have sorted through so much and in such a healing way. It’s a rare person who has experienced so many of the same situations, even if done in different ways. I think it’s been very healing for both of us. I am grateful for that.

My happiness moment was a brief time spent at the creek. In my opinion it’s about one of the most healing places I could ever go to. 

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Letting things go

We finally got started on the task of cleaning out Dad’s closet today. It was difficult and emotional, but a chance to sort through some memories and feelings about loss and letting things go. In the past I have not let go either gracefully or peacefully, it’s kind of a work in progress for me that lesson.

I think Dad would have rolled his eyes at the fact that it took us so long to be strong enough to face the task of donating some of his things. He would have told us to pack it up and get it out to someone who could use it right away. But, I think he also would be so touched that he is so deeply loved that there is this group of people who miss him so much. It makes me think about who I want to surround myself with and walk with me on the rest of my journey. It has become so important to me to make sure those are the right people – the ones who know how to laugh, love, find peace, follow God, know how to give and take, and lift each other up.

I came to a realization as I was sorting through my Dad’s things and mentally sorting through emotions left over by last week’s stellar visit from Mr. X. I have wanted so badly to make things better for the kids, to heal them, to make up for all that they are lacking but I can’t do that. No matter how badly I want to, I can’t make up for the things they don’t have – and we are never going to heal that way. I need to let that shit go. We are an awesome little family, and the fact that some painful stuff has happened does not change that. I need to focus way more on the fact that we are this loving, strong, intact family and much less on any force that has tried to weaken us.

This morning I was lying in bed with Jenna who was trying to tickle me and generally get a rise out of me. Jacob came flying into the room and said oh good, it’s my favourite game. I said what’s that? He answered the bug mom game and leapt on the bed with a pillow to smack me with. Those kids, my family, my life – what a happiness moment.

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Je ne regrette rien

I woke up in an Edith Piaf kind of mood. It takes a special kind of mood for me to crave sitting and listening to her songs over and over. Something inside me must have known that today was going to be an emotionally sideways day. 

Don’t get me wrong, I love Edith Piaf, and often listen to her when I’m happy too, but there is this certain kind of funky mood that almost seems to require her voice. 

I had to go downtown and meet my lawyer today which is alway a special kind of fun. It’s expensive, but I remain grateful for how well she does what she does.  As I was getting ready to go, my sister texted me asking if today was a good day to go through Dad’s closet. No, it is not. There is never a good day, but it is time. The past couple of days seem to have been ones where I’ve missed him more. Like I’ve been able to convince myself that it all is a bad dream and he’s not really gone. We will face it tomorrow. 

On the train downtown I read on Facebook that one of my favourite uncles (my mom’s cousin really) died a few days ago. That seemed to have been my tipping point and I bawled the whole way to my lawyer. Thank goodness for 2015 when I spent most of the year crying  in public. It gave me practice. 

When I was a kid, uncle Harvey and auntie Margaret held pony club at their place and it was there that I learned to walk (or ride) headfirst into my fears. I remember being so terrified of their cross country course, and yet year after year tackling it on whatever miserable pony I was riding (I loved them all). 

When I was 9 I was riding Snowflake, the rearing pony. I was down at the start line of cross country and uncle Harvey was doing the countdown. He said one minute, and Snowflake reared up. I slid off her  back and somehow landed on my feet. I walked around the side, he gave me a leg up, and said 10,9,8,7…. and counted me off on my way without saying another word.

There were a few things about that incident that I took away. 1 that he broke the rules by helping me back on my horse. I was grateful for that because I was so scared I wouldn’t have been able to get back on. 2 that help comes sometimes in unexpected and quiet ways and I just need to accept it and move on without making a big deal. 3 no matter how scared I am, if I want something I need to keep going. I won everything I rode in that day. 

When I decided a few years ago to start reaching for a better, happier life I drew on many of the lessons uncle Harvey taught me out in those fields. I am forever grateful for all of that time and all of those experiences. 

This evening I drove my cousin in law home and we listened to the Frantics the whole way. We are always acting out the skits, but neither of us had listened to them for a while. I forgot how hard they make me laugh, and so much better with someone who also knows all the words. Gut busting laughter was exactly what was needed. Happiness moment. 

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Duck duck 

We enjoyed some family time at the creek this afternoon. It’s one of my favorite spots to go – beautiful and filled with generations of memories of good times. 

I loved watching my kids play with their little cousins. How lucky we are that they get to grow up knowing each other and making those special cousin bonds. 

My mom talked about how they used to drive down to the creek when she was little to have Sunday picnics. Then we talked about how my sister and I used to ride our horses there and do the same. I loved that long ride to the creek. Even as a child I knew it was a special and beautiful place. 

There is so much gratitude wrapped up in knowing that we are home and we are safe. We now live so much more in peace than we do in chaos. 

While having supper, a duck family swam past us. The kids got so excited to see them. I was impressed at how the duck parent immediately moved between babies and us to protect the little ones. Protecting little ones is not a small task, and not one to take lightly. Happiness moment – watching the ducks quack by, watching the cousins play 


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Safety lights are for dudes 

The monsters and I saw the new Ghostbusters movie tonight. We were in need of some good laughs and it delivered. It was a lot funnier than I thought it would be, and there was a group of ladies sitting in front of us who had the most contagious laughter. It was exactly what we needed to lighten the stress load. 

We enjoyed a fabulous sunset on our drive home. I know, I go on and on about how much I love where we live. But seriously, we live in a freaking postcard. Who wouldn’t love this?


Belly laughs and sunsets. Happiness. 

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Strength and balance

I love that usually God provides me with food for thought at exactly the right moment. In reality He likely always does I’m just not paying enough attention. I’ve had a few chats  in the last 24 hours that ended up tying things together for me today. 

I had a conversation last night with him about relationships and the roles that people take in them (I love that we talk about this stuff. I am so thankful God put this man in my life). We talked about how ideally one person can bring strength and the other can bring balance into a relationship. 

I went to bed thinking about that and how my life has been the past few years. I have been both the strength and the balance for a long time. While it’s exhausting to do both, I have had the opportunity to discover that I have more strength than I ever thought possible and have found incredible peace through the balance I have managed. 

I’m not naive enough to think I actually did it all alone. I had three key people in Virginia bring me back to a powerful relationship with God who started performing miracles in my life right away. Now I gain added strength and balance from being back in my tribe. They hold me up and walk me through it all. 

Every single time someone tries to knock  me down I will get back up. Every. Single. Time. 

My happiness moment was time spent on the west part of the  ranch this morning. It’s so beautiful and I don’t spend much time out there. Then time spent with him which always makes me happy. Then time with a cousin watching the show bands play. It was a day that had a weird wrench of stress thrown into it, but one where happiness kept showing up all over. I am grateful for that. It reminds me that life is good, that happiness and peace are a way of life that should be sought out. 

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