Tag Archives: single mom

happiness

When they get along 

I had to leave the monsters unsupervised at the hair salon while I did some errands. I knew they would be fine because they’re basically good kids, they’re old enough, and our stylist would keep them in line (she’s awesome). 

When they were done they went to Tim’s for a snack and I stopped in at the salon to pay before getting them. 

I was greeted by Tiara, our stylist, who told me how awesome they were. She said it was amazing how well they got along, the deep level of affection they have for each other was obvious in the way they talked with each other. 

❤ Happy mom moment! They are really good friends, in part because of all the moves and some of the family issues. They have this amazing deep bond. They can also be known to wrestle each other to the  ground in the blink of an eye. But they have this amazing bond that they both cherish. 

Happiness moment- hearing how happy my kids are, how well they got along, and how Tiara enjoys their company. They are a huge blessing. 

Standard
happiness

In our own way

We have been really struggling in our healing process the last couple of weeks in our little family. I’m not sure why it is now that these issues are here, but they most certainly are. 

The kids have had several memories pop up bringing with them lots of questions and it’s meant a serious dose of anxiety for all three of us. 

Interestingly, not long after they started coming to me with questions and memories I found an old journal. It was one I wrote during the time we had the fight that ended our family (as it is now called). Sometimes I feel like maybe I’ve over exaggerated some of the things that went on in ourbhome, like time has made them more extreme than they were. Well, let me tell you… that is not the case at all. It was incredibly painful to transport myself back in time and relive the hurt, fear, terror, confusion, and many other things that were swirling around at that time. And to know that it went on for years… that this is the childhood they look back on… breaks my heart. 

Sometimes (like all the time) I feel like we should be over it all ready. We are home, we are safe, we should be fine. And yet we are not. One little thing happens and someone is triggered and we have to hold on for our lives to keep our balance. 

And then I remember that this is our healing journey. No one else is living it besides us, no one else gets to determine the path it takes. I’m learning every day to have faith that we are exactly where we are supposed to be. It’s tiring and tearful and I want to just be done with it, but we need to honor the process and give thanks that we are in the healing part of it. 

Happiness tonight was watching the boy play his basketball game. Every time he’s out there I see his confidence grow. He is such an amazing young man and has incredible strength. It brings me such joy to see him finding himself, knowing that he is in a faith filled spiritual journey of his own. 

Standard
happiness

On the court 

Tonight I got to watch the boy run up and down the basketball court. Being one of the younger and more inexperienced players he often spends a great deal of time on the bench. Tonight was different though and he was in for most of the game. 

They didn’t win, it wasn’t even close, but man did he ever enjoy playing. That was happiness – watching someone I love experience the bliss of doing something they love. 

Standard
happiness

Sweet Sunday 

I took the girl and her friend up to Canmore today so they could go for a swim. I love being surrounded by the mountains and to me it’s a no brainer when they ask to go to the pool – Calgary or Canmore – the mountains will always win. 

I love that she’s building strong girl friendships, and that she’s very mindfully choosing her friends. There is a lot of thought that goes into the girls she builds her bonds with – and she makes really good choices. That is happiness. Building that tribe of women that walk you through life is huge. 

The girls earned money babysitting yesterday and couldn’t wait to spend some of it at the candy shop. It’s kind of a ritual. 

Standard
happiness

Where we are at 

My mom, sister and I did a little house organizing today. In the midst of the not-fun part of the job, we discovered some old photographs. Photos of when mom was in her 20s, old photos of people at the ranch, golden forgotten memories. It was fun to see mom get excited about old times and to hear a few stories. 

It really hit me today we were looking at old family treasures how long and settled our family has been in this exact spot. I often still feel the effect of our gypsy life and I love those moments of grounding that remind me that I’m exactly where I am supposed to be. 

We had a family supper tonight – mom, me, my sister, and all the kids – sitting around the dining room table. The perfect place to be building new memories for the next generation. My sister recently had turned into quite the cook, and it was awesome to get to enjoy her creations. 

Happiness today was weird. It was happiness going through old family things. It was weird because there have been so many changes and I feel like I’m running to catch up. But there is huge joy and gratitude for being exactly where I am right now. 

Standard
happiness

Birthday Boxing Day 

Some of you may know that Boxing Day is my favourite day of the year. I love it because all the stress of Christmas is over and you get to lie around and enjoy family time. 

Today was the Boxing Day of my birthday and it also was a favourite day. I went out for lunch with a cousin – and had the added bonus of running into another cousin and nephew who were at the same restaurant for a brief visit. 

We had a wonderful lunch, enjoyed great food – and more importantly enjoyed each other’s company. We are walking very similar paths, albeit in different ways, and I love sharing and learning with her. It’s sacred time. 

Supper tonight was with that other cousin and nephew and some of the extended family. The nephew has his birthday the day before mine and I love sharing life celebration with him. I was thinking tonight as we were sitting around the table how incredibly blessed I am.  God gifted me into an amazing tribe and if I ever took it for granted before, I certainly don’t now. 

Today was a day filled with big happiness moments. Lunch, laughs, cupcakes (really awesome ones from my sister), delicious food, home, family – this is all I need to make me happy. Because what all of that represents is love. And we have a lot of that here. 

Standard
happiness

Another trip around the sun

Today is my birthday. Two years ago I started this happiness journey with 44 days of happiness. The life I was living was completely different from the one I have today. We were living in SW Virginia, I was so unhappy, scared, alone, fearful, anxious, and lost. I decided to start looking for something every single day that made me happy and since I was turning 44 I would do it for 44 days.

When I started it was really difficult. Some days the only thing that I could find that made me happy was seeing the heron on my morning walk. There was not a lot of joy in my life and I had to work really hard to find any kind of sunshine. After the 44 days I felt a lot better, but knew I had much more work to do to get to where I wanted to be. So, I kept up with my happiness seeking – looking for a moment of happiness in each and every day.

The last two years have seen huge changes in my life both externally and internally. The kids and I have come home, we are safely and happily living back in the middle of our tribe. We still have struggles, but we have a grounding that I could never manage to create before. It may be a slow pace, but I feel us all moving ahead on this journey of healing and discovering.

Every year I have set an intention for the upcoming year. For 46 my intention is to believe – to have faith and trust that what I am doing is the right thing, to listen to God to know that I am on the right path, to believe in myself.

Also to remember that I gave all of my fucks away in 2016 and that I no longer have any more fucks to give. I am not going to spend hours stressing over things that could happen, things that are happening, things that have happened. I’m just going to let it be (and if you know me in real life and are laughing hysterically right now – remember this is an intention. I am a work in progress).

My happiness moment today: I had supper with my kids and my mom which was special and I treasure that. I don’t mean that lightly, after 10 years of being away to spend my birthday supper in grandma’s kitchen with my family is a big freaking deal.  After, as we were munching on our cupcakes, we shared memories of my childhood and of the kids’ childhood. We seem to have broken into this space where they want to talk about happy childhood memories and that brings me a lot of pleasure. For a long time no one wanted to talk about anything from the past, I’m glad that we can bring back some of the happy times. It’s also the best day of the year to be on Facebook and I was humbled and flattered by all the friends who sent me well wishes. I am a very blessed person.

Standard
happiness

Girl talks 

I had a very pleasant unexpected afternoon out with my girl today. We had some errands to run in the city and while we were there discovered we were hangry and near Mercatos. We decided to have a little pre-birthday dinner (or for her a post-birthday dinner). 

I realized while we were sitting and chatting that we don’t do this kind of thing often enough. We get one on one time after school but it’s often rushed and filled with errands. 

To sit just the two of us at a table and enjoy a meal that I neither had to prepare nor clean up from has not happened in a long time. 

Without meaning to, our conversation got deep. She’s got a lot going on in that preteen soul and it was an honour to get to see a little of that. She’s a pretty amazing little human and has really learned a lot about people and relationships. I continue to be impressed by her. 

It was a delightful meal, there is a certain kind of happiness that you get when you break bread with someone you love. Deeper happiness was our conversation. I treasure that and I’m grateful that she trusts me enough to let me in. 

Standard
happiness

Faith or Fear

A year ago tomorrow I had an appointment to see a divorce lawyer. I was so scared and feeling vulnerable and completely blindsided. I had no idea what was ahead, all I knew was that the decision he made to sever finances from his wife and children was going to change our family and the rest of our lives.

The first couple of months after I filed for divorce were completely filled with fear. But the battle of fear vs faith was one I was familiar with. Years before when I knew that my life needed a change I sat quietly with God and realized that either I trusted Him completely or I didn’t. After having tried extensively to fix my life myself (and failing brutally), I handed it over to God in faith and everything changed.

I had to learn that lesson all over again last year. And I learned to walk in faith, I learned to trust God completely, I understood there was a plan and I just had to follow. I mean, I didn’t follow perfectly, and I certainly swore a lot at God (and doubted him too), but overall I learned to have faith and (more difficult), patience.

(Let’s be honest, I had to learn that lesson the year before as well as we were watching my dad die. It’s one of those lessons that I say ok, thanks God, that was brutal I have learned my lesson. I’ll never forget it. Please don’t be that harsh again. And then I forget and have to learn the lesson all over again)

Lately there have been fear feelings again. I don’t know why, my intuition just tells me that big changes are coming. This intuition has given me the heads up a few times over the past couple of years and has been dead on every single time, so I pay attention. I don’t know what the changes are, I don’t particularly embrace change, but I know that it happens no matter how I feel about it.

I came across this quote:

And I realized how true it is. I can either stress about whatever change is brewing, or I can walk ahead in faith.

This photo was taken almost 10 years ago when we moved from Quebec to Rhode Island. It was a big, scary move – and a huge leap of faith. It was also a step into some really, brutally hard years. But those years have also brought me into myself and there’s a huge gift in that. If all that crap hadn’t happened I wouldn’t be who I am today, I wouldn’t know that when the storm hits I can stand in it and walk through with my loved ones. I wouldn’t know that I want to surround myself with people who make me shine brighter instead of those who want to dim my shine.

I’ve changed a lot over the last year. For a while I thought I was changing back into who I was before. But, I’ve realized that’s not the case at all. I have grown into someone completely different than I have even been. For the first time in my life I know my value, I feel my faith, and I trust and love on a level I never knew was possible. So, with all the heartache of the past year there is a lot of gratitude as well. I am glad I had the opportunity to turn into this version of myself.

That is happiness, deep and lasting happiness. Being here with my kids, seeing them smile and trust and love – that is happiness. Watching them grow, seeing them bond with their tribe – happiness that bursts my heart.

Standard
happiness

Love is what you do 

Love is not what you say

Love is what you do. 

I have begun to understand the importance of these words over the last few years. I have had people in my life who would say one thing but do something completely opposite. In fact, I’ve probably done that myself. I’m sure we all have. 

But, as I began to heal and began to focus on becoming the best version of myself that I can be, I really began to notice that what makes a person is not what they say but what they do. 

It made me really focus on being impeccable with my word (from The Four Agreements), and made me want to be surrounded by people who were the same. I’m certainly not there all the time, but it’s something I put a lot of attention on. 

I’ve talked about this amazing healing community that is being built up around the kids and me. One of them is my massage therapist who does cranial sacral treatments on both me and the boy. It helps calm the nervous system, helps with PTSD, and with anxiety – as well as many other healing things. 

But the therapist, he has really connected with my son – he gets him, understands what he’s going through, and has really gone above and beyond to help him out on his healing journey. 

We can heal ourselves and can we heal each other. And we need a community to do that in. Listening to my boy talk about the healing that is happening and the support he’s feeling as he goes through it is a huge happiness moment. 

For me, the grounding of being home and with my tribe helps give me the strength to reach out and give support 

Standard