Tag Archives: single mom

happiness

Patriots and memories 

We watched the Patriots game tonight. I’m not really much of a football fan, but we were trained early on in our Rhode Island days to be a fan of all New England teams. They did a good job of that. 

It had the added bonus of bringing up lots of Rhode Island memories. Because there were so many bad ones, we haven’t talked a lot about it. But the reality is that a huge part of their childhood was spent there and there were some good moments. 

So we talked about Mikes Pastries and fun day trips to Boston, my retreats to Kripalu, days spent at the beach, play dates with friends. We had a lot of fun there too. That deserves to be remembered and celebrated. 

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Big Bang Theory

I had a tv marathon with the boy tonight. We are both starting to think we will survive this cold, but don’t feel well enough to really want to do stuff.  The (healthy) girl took off to her grandma’s to be spoiled and left us here to lie around and do nothing. 

It sounds lame, but it was fun. We caught up on Big Bang Theory and laughed. Perfect kind of happiness for a quiet, healing day. 

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The bow and arrow. 

Today I got the girl signed up for an archery class. She’s been wanting to do this for a long time, and I think (hope) our schedule finally works so that she can. 

It may be a small happiness moment, but it’s also a bigger picture one as well. I hope she finds the thing that drives her passion. It may or may not be archery, but I’m glad she’s trying out new things. 

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At The Hub

I woke up feeling pretty under the weather. The cold virus hit our family over the weekend and the boy and I have been taking turns with fever chills – no fun to say the least. 

He only had to go to school for an hour today (a tutorial during exam week) and I had no choice but to hang in town until he was done. There’s an new coffee shop near his school and I finally tried it. I love it – I think it’s my new place. It’s got comfy chairs, nice soft music, and great smelling food.  I bought a tea and sat quietly and read while he did his thing at school. That’s happiness. 


When I picked him up I also ended up driving his friend home. After we had dropped him off, my boy told me how grateful he was that I was around for him, that he hears friends talk about how they never see their parents, and although I may be a smother sometimes that he’s happy I’m there for him. That’s happiness to the core of my being. 

Providing them with a safe, happy childhood is my number one priority and it makes me glad to know that they’re feeling that. 

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Sunrise with Derek and survival mode

We have been enjoying some pretty amazing skies lately, and this morning I was fortunate enough to get outside and see the day break with my good buddy Derek. Look at that little face! How can you not love him. It warmed my heart to  start the day getting cuddles from this little dude (Peaches and George are in the back ground, the less-talked-about orphan calves).

Happiness

We finally got our lazy butts back to church after almost a month of finding many reasons to sleep in and it felt really good. I love my women’s group, and I always get so much out of the sermon.

The topic today was how to step out of the shadow of being in survival mode. This is exactly what I have come to the realization lately that I need to do. The last few years have been all about survival – there has been a lot of growth as well – but survival has been the driving force. I feel sometimes like all I do is run around and put out fires and that I never actually get to move ahead to where I want to be. My body tells me I am survival mode as it is exhausted from holding my being in a constant stressed state of flight or flight. And you know what? The danger, the stress, the fear…. it’s not present in my life anymore. I don’t need to be in survival mode. It’s like my soul, my body, my being does not know how to let go of being in survival mode.

All of that I have known for a while, but my question was how do I get out of it? Because trust me, I have been working hard to get there.

Our pastor had some ideas.

Stay the course. Show up every day, be strong and courageous to do what God wants regardless of the outcome. Work from a faith based perspective rather than an outcome based one. 

Fear keeps you from coming out of the shadows (Oh my.. this is so me). Identify your fears, look them in the eye, then list the ways that God has been faithful. I have taken huge leaps of faith the past couple of years, and I am learning how to do this one, but fear has held me back from taking chances and achieving great things my whole life.

Experience God’s word every day of your life. And remember, you can read God’s word, study His word, and not still not hear Him. We need to hear Him. I need to hear Him. Sometimes I get so busy telling Him what I want I don’t stop to listen to what He is telling me.

And then this:

Genesis 12:1-2

Now the Lord said to Abram, “Go from your country and your kindred and your father’s house to the land that I will show you. 2 I will make of you a great nation, and I will bless you, and make your name great, so that you will be a blessing.

And he went.

Going where God wants us to go is never without leaving something behind. We need to ask what we need to leave behind in order to come out of the shadows.

The last couple of years I have left so much behind. There has been a lot of pain – some of that I have left behind, some of that I still carry with me (some of it my children still carry and I carry their burden as well). I have a pretty good idea of what I need to leave behind to come out of the shadows. I am no longer a victim. I was put in that role, and I have played it for a long time. I am no longer his victim and I don’t have to carry the emotional burden that comes along with that. I can learn to leave that behind. It has been almost a year now since I filed for divorce, I have learned so much, have gained more strength than I thought possible, know that there was no truth to that life we were living, it’s time to learn how to come out of the shadows. I’m ready. That is also happiness.

 

 

 

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Full day 

For the first time since her concussion over a month ago, my girl managed to do a full day of school.  She’s not totally healed yet, and thank goodness we had 2 weeks of break so she could relax and let her body get better, but it’s a start.

I’ve been so worried about her, she’s been brave and strong, but it’s caused her a lot of pain and angst. We have this amazing healing team who have been working so lovingly with her to help return her back to her old self. 

Picking her up after school today and seeing her smile because she was back with her friends was my happiness moment. 

My other one was on the way home this morning. It was super cold, but so beautiful. I am grateful every day that God brought us back home where we are loved and safe. 

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Turning 12

Today my baby girl turned 12. I can’t believe she’s that old already and yet I can’t imagine life without her. She is such a blessing and I’m so glad she’s been gifted to me to love and care for. 

Her concussion was really giving her a hard time today which was kind of sad. Her birthday has always been a really big deal, and I feel like we didn’t celebrate it like we usually do. But we had our meal, she wore her special birthday hat, and we were together.  That’s all that matters. 

She has taught me so much about love, kindness, and compassion in her 12 years. I can’t believe what a good, pure soul this little human is. 

She is my happiness moment. 

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High tea at Banff Springs


We had high tea at the Banff Springs Hotel today to celebrate my niece turning 6 and my daughter turning 12 (today and on Monday respectively). It was a girls only event including the birthday girls, my sister, and our mom. We don’t have girl days often enough – and this one was pretty elegant. 

The difference between 6 and 12


When we were kids our family vacationed a lot on Vancouver Island, and we have many fond memories attached to high tea (and clotted cream). It was fun for us three adults to step back in time a little and reminisce about teas past. 

And fun to share our traditions with the next generation. The girls loved having a fancy tea party 

Her face when she was told she could eat 

She gets it from her mom 


It was a really special day, and one that I will treasure in my memory bank forever. Those family bonds, our sisterhood, it’s pure happiness and there’s so much gratitude in that. 

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Someone to take you home 


We said goodbye to my godmother today at her funeral in Cochrane. It was a small gathering of loved ones but there were so many memories and so much love brought into that church. 

When I was a kid and Cochrane was still a small town,  there were three families who joined together  because of their businesses being side by side. There was Mackay’s Ice Cream, my parent’s  law firm, and the Doctor’s office. As a result, the Mackays the Ramsays and the Mcquittys  have been family friends for as long as I can remember. 

In the last two years all of us “kids” (in our 40s and 50s now) have lost a parent and have all held each other up in love and support. It’s been a rough couple of years for a lot of people. 

I didn’t really get a lot out of the funeral service in the church. I’m not sure why, it could have just been the emotional place I was in. I just found it didn’t give me what I was looking for in terms of supporting my faith and having some closure. 

I decided to go to the graveyard for the internment ceremony and I’m really glad I did. She was buried in the old graveyard in town where all the other old Cochrane family members are. My grandparents and the Mackay parents among them – as well as uncle George (auntie Mary’s husband, who ironically also died on Christmas Day years ago). 

There was a lot of comfort in knowing she was being laid to rest among family and friends. Normally I’m not a fan of graveyards, but I’ve always found a lot of comfort at that one. When I was a kid my grandma used to walk me through it and tell me about family members and neighbours who were buried there. 

The priest in the church service kept talking about how death was painful. I prefer to think of it another way, in these words from Robyn Mackay after losing her mom just a few months before I lost my dad:

 Love, is one of the forces in life that leads all of us directly into suffering, because we will ultimately lose every person and everything that we love.  

After dad died, MOM is the one who taught me to be fearless enough to love anyway, without conditions, and take the great risk that loving HER, would break my heart. 
I have blogged this passage before and I return to it often to find comfort during times of loss. They’re wise words. Loving someone will hurt, but we need to be fearless enough to do it anyway. Otherwise you end up living a life without love, and that’s a pretty empty existence. 

My happiness moment was standing in the graveyard feeling the love and comfort of those beloved members of my tribe who have gone on before me. And as a secondary, more badass moment, Jenna and I found some kind of joy in being able to run red lights through town as part of the funeral procession. 

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Memory Flow


I had another CST (Cranial Sacral Treatment) today in Cochrane with my amazing, healing therapist. I’m so blessed that I have this community of healers around me. The last time I had the treatment done I had a head explosion of word vomit flow out of my brain. All that mental anxiety that was running around in my head just burst out (quietly thank goodness) and left me. Knowing that this time would most likely bring different results I was excited to discover what shifts would occur today.

This time was all about memory flowing. One thing I learned a few weeks ago when I had my transformational acupuncture treatment was that I tried to leave my body during times of pain and stress. It was a coping mechanism I developed in the years I lived with Mr. X when he was raging, and it was done very consciously. I was aware that I couldn’t leave physically – I had no money, no family around, was in a different country,  and I absolutely could not leave the kids. He would rage and then leave, but I could not go anywhere. There was no way I was leaving the house without my children. So, I learned to leave my body. I did it to avoid pain and hurt and anxiety. But if you think that leaving your body does not cause anxiety then you don’t know what you are talking about! However, it was the best coping mechanism I had at the time.

Since that acupuncture treatment I have been working very hard to stay inside my body, to stay grounded, to stay present, even when things are not comfortable. Today when the memories started flowing my first impulse was to book on out of there. But, I breathed, relaxed, and let it flow.

The memories that came were of our years spent in Rhode Island. Things started to fall apart in Quebec, but in Rhode Island everything really went to hell. It was hard to have those times that I have worked so hard to block come flooding back into my consciousness. The interesting thing about CST though is they come, they’re there, and they flow by without me getting really freaked out about them. There was a certain amount of comfort and calming in acknowledging some of those events and ugly times. It’s like my body has been yelling at me pay attention this shit really happened, it’s stuck inside you and my brain has been all no, just stuff it down, it’s not really there, we don’t want to feel that.

I also had some good times both with the kids and with my friends in those years. By blocking out the bad memories I also blocked out all the good ones as well. It was a significant part of the kids’ childhood and I want them to have memories that make them smile. I want to be able to talk about playdates, trips to the beach, day visits to Boston and remember that there were good times along with the scary ones. It’s good to have those come back.

On a personal healing level, my CST today was a huge happiness moment. It healed a lot, let out a lot, let flow some good and some bad. On a family happiness moment, I returned home this afternoon to see my daughter and my niece cross country skiing through the yard. They had been over to the neighbours along the ridge (where my dad used to love to walk), had tried downhill skiing on the buffalo jumps (I’m glad I wasn’t there to see that, but I sure remember doing it as a kid), and were laughing their way home. What a great childhood this ranch provides. What a great, safe, loving home we have here with our tribe.

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