Tag Archives: divorce

happiness

What matters most 

Nothing is as important to me as the job I hold as mother of my kids. I’m flawed in it and certainly learn from it every day, but it is the biggest blessing and most rewarding thing I have ever been trusted with. I still look at them daily and can’t believe that God gifted them into my life. We are one tight little triangle 

In keeping with full moon weirdness, I made two trips to urgent care today – one for each kid. Different injuries doneat different   times, and they’ll both be fine, but it was a long and tiring day. 
In all of that I thought to myself thank God that I can be here for them. They have this solid foundation to fall back on, they know I’ll always catch their fall. I’ll move heaven and earth to make life as safe and happy as possible for them. It’s a process, but it’s getting better all the time. 

My happiness moment… knowing what matters most and being there for it. 

Standard
happiness

Catch a glimpse of joy. 

Catch a glimpse of joy. That was the theme of the sermon in church today and also was the theme of my day. 

Our ladies group sponsored a family for Christmas. The mom came and picked up the items today and seemed filled with many emotions.  The lady who has been helping me with my own project gave me a little hug and said it’s like seeing what your dream is going to gift people isn’t it?  And it is, my little dream is different but hopefully will bring happiness to  lives in small ways. 

After that we shared some of our needs for prayer requests. Sharing is important – for the support and to remember that everyone has  their crap they’re dealing with. It’s a really special group of ladies I found at that church. God guided me well. 

The youth group did their Christmas celebration and it was full of glimpses  of joy. It was fun to see the kids so fully engaged and enjoying themselves. I sat with my uncle and aunt which was a moment of happiness in itself. 

And then the joy of the afternoon when we did our family Christmas tree hunt. It’s one of my favorite events of the year. This  year we had a good sized group and the weather kind of behaved itself. A million layers helped. 

I talk about it all the time, but I am so grateful for my tribe. I don’t know what I would ever do without them. It’s so heart warming to know that we come from this family filled with so much love. 

This is what happiness looks like:

Standard
happiness

Kick off to Christmas 

We had our first Christmas party today. It was a big family one at my great aunt’s house (also in honor of her birthday). It was a house filled with family, laughter, and so many Christmas goodies. 

We had a talk on the way there about extended family, and how even if they don’t know you well they love you and want to know about you. It’s a concept my kids are still grasping, having spent almost all of their lives living away from any family. 

I think that point was driven home today though. I saw the boy really settle into a comfort zone as he sat and visited with some of the men in his family. He remembered that there is this big group of men in his extended tribe who really take an interest in him and want to get to know him.  And there’s just a different way that men bond, and I’m glad he gets to be a part of that. We have really good men in our family. 

I say it all the time because it’s true. I have an awesome tribe of people and I’m so thankful we were born into this. It’s happiness and joy and love. 

Standard
happiness

Eddie the Eagle

Tonight the girl and I finally got around to watching Eddie the Eagle. I have wanted to see it since it came out in the theatres and I’ve been bugging the kids to watch it with me since it came on tv. 

Jenna loved it! She sat down with a pout, but within the first five minutes she was totally captivated. The idea of following your dream,  no matter what people say to you, really held her interest. She related to him all the way through the movie. 

Aside from loving his story, it brought back lots of good memories for me. I was in grade 12 when the Olympics were here and we were lucky enough to go to many of the events – including the ski jumping. So we watched Eddie the Eagle jump. 

My sister and I still laugh about how we drove our dad nuts. The stories were always funny, but now that dad is gone they are even more precious. The olumpics in Calgary are a really good time in my memory bank. 

My movie with my girl. Happiness. 

Standard
happiness

Integration 

I had some work done today that kind of brought together all the energy stuff I’ve been doing over the last week. I have an awesome massage therapist in town, and ages ago I had made an appointment for today. It just so happened to line up nicely after all the unplanned energy work that has been presented to me. 

Cranial sacral therapy has always worked wonders for my body, but it’s never quite done what it did for me today. Of course, the last time I did it was 13+ years ago and I was not at all aware of my mind body connection.  It was like magic. I was lying there thinking hmmmm it’s not really doing much and then my whole body would go all tingly and I could feel things shift all over the place both energetically and physically. It happened several times, and was pretty wild. 

The Prana Vata issue I’ve been having of my mind racing vanished during my session. A few times I was bombarded by thoughts and then with the crazy tingle there would be what felt like a giant eraser go through my mind and the thoughts would be all gone. Then I was left lying there wondering what was I just thinking about? I have no clue. Even now I can’t remember, but the racing in my mind remains gone. Better step up then meditation to keep this on track. It’s awesome. 

I’m not totally sure what’s going on, but I know the last month or so have been full of huge shifts and changes. And as the universe always does, things have been lining up like magic to make it happen. It’s awesome and it’s my happiness moment. 

Standard
happiness

Let it be

I made a decision today to change how I’m doing things. 

I’ve been working hard (with varying success) on letting go, but I read an article that convinced me that John Lennon had it right and instead I should let it be. 

Often when I’m letting go I’m trying to push things out, to make them not there. Instead I think I need to let them be. Honor the fact that they are there, that things have happened that have shaped me into who I am – good and bad – and let them be. Not change it, not dwell in it, not push it away or deny it. Just acknowledge it and let it be. 

I’m changing the rules of the game so that they work better for my new life. Happiness. Pure and raw. 

Standard
happiness

Little kindness

I’m sitting in the gym of a high school watching boys play basketball. As an aside, can I just say that the smell is so bad it makes me want to cut my nose off. Although my school is losing (badly), I have to say that they’re all playing  really well – both teams. They are much less boys out there and much more young men – so big and strong. 

My boy had been under the impression he was playing today and was pretty excited about it. However, when we got here he was told that in fact he was not playing. 

I never did team sports, the only sports parther I ever had was 4 legged and  used to sneeze all over me. I miss my horses… So I can’t totally relate to this desire to want to be part of the team. I have spent most of my life trying to not be part of the team. Like our cat Ella close but no touching. But I kind of get it. I always had a tribe of girls I rode with and although it wasn’t a team dynamic we had a closeness that still holds all these years later. 

At the beginning of the game the boys gathered together in a huddle. Mine was standing a little behind them, not in uniform and feeling a little out of place. Two boys stepped back and opened the circle to include him. One of them did the little rub and pat back rub on him.  

I almost cried. Those little acts of kindness mean so much. They are so easy to do, so easy to forget to do, and SO powerful. It changed his whole demeanour. It was a moment when my heart leapt in happiness. 

Standard
happiness

Peace is always a heart issue

Yesterday at the end of my transformational acupuncture session, I experienced a moment where I felt like I was coming home in my body. I don’t know how else to describe it, except as a moment of deep inner peace unlike anything I’ve ever felt before. A few minutes (seconds… who knows?) into my experience the man guiding me said this resonates as the vibration for the sound om – which can bring you home.

It made me realize how long it’s been since I’ve truly felt at peace, safe and secure in my own body, in my own life. Now that I’ve experienced that feeling I want it all the time! The good thing is at least I now have a memory to reference to, something that I can draw on as I’m feeling my way towards peace.

Because God always brings things to me as I need them, the sermon today at church was all about peace. Timely eh?

So, here’s what I learned:

Peace is always a heart issue

When I’m struggling to find peace, when I feel that I have been robbed of peace,  I need to stop and ask where is my heart? Who has my heart? The answer will tell me all I need to know, and what I  need to do because I cannot know God’s peace until I have surrendered my heart to God.

It’s all about that trust issue. I just need to trust God – He’s got my back. And I know this. In my darkest times, when I have needed him the most, I have felt His presence so strongly. He has saved me from some really nasty shit.

It’s also a heart issue. Fortunately the past couple of years I’ve been working hard on reconnecting with my heart, learning to trust it again, learning to flow from it again, learning to connect to others with it again.

It’s a fear issue. The pastor pointed out that in the moments when I have not trusted God, when I’m not feeling peace at any level, it’s because I’m afraid of something. Which is totally true. I spent so long being so afraid of everything that I stopped trusting. When my trust was betrayed over and over again by someone I loved and whom I had put my faith in, I stopped trusting not only in him, but also in myself and sometimes in God. I don’t need to trust Mr. X ever again, but I’ll never be at peace if I don’t trust myself and if I don’t trust and have faith in God. So, I will.

We came home from church and there was finally enough snow to play in. The kids pulled out their sleds and we enjoyed one of the best things about winter at the ranch. It was sheer happiness listening to them laugh as they flew along on their sleds.

Standard
happiness

Transformational healing

I am blessed in that I am surrounded by a community of amazing healers. New ones keep entering my life at every step of my growth and what is happening is pretty awesome.

Today I had an appointment with someone who does transformational acupuncture. I don’t even know how to begin to describe the session, but it opened up a whole new path on my healing journey. It made me aware of issues that I’ve been dealing (and not dealing) with for years, it gave me some awareness of how to embrace them and how to work with them.

He kind of “Yoda’d me” with some wisdom. Some very obvious wisdom, but sometime I really need things dumbed down and said very plainly so that I can see how obvious it is.

We were talking about my life over the last few years and the journey of healing and growth that I have been on as a result of it. He pointed out (which I was aware of) that maybe the pain and dark times was to let me know for certain that I needed to strengthen my relationship with God, to walk His path, and to trust in my faith. That faith part has been a big deal the last couple of years. I really have learned that when I trust and have faith in God that he always comes through for me – maybe not in the way I had intended, but always in the way that is best.

But then he said that I needed to be really clear about how I was looking at things. Like when Yoda said do or do not, there is no try – he pointed out that I either have faith or I don’t, that I either am happy or I’m not. There’s no in between. If I say I’m seeking happiness, then I’m not happy. If I’m happy, I’m enjoying my life of happiness, sitting in that moment with it, not seeking it because it is already with me. Same thing with faith – I either have faith that God has a plan for me and that I’m walking a spiritual path with Him, or I have doubt that I’m doing the wrong thing and that He does not have my back. I’ve been filled with doubt – even when I’ve been focusing on my faith. My brain loves to grab all of the what ifs and go crazy with them.

And why do I not always have faith? I know to the core of my soul that God has been holding my hand and walking me through this tornado of pain and emotions that has been raging around me. I feel His love, I know He is there for me. Why do I sit in doubt and fear when happiness and faith is an option? He is offering me peace in the storm and I so often choose to stand fearfully alone in the turmoil.

Seriously. It’s so simple and yet SO  hard.

But, now I am aware of that and my intention is to walk in faith, in happiness, and in peace. I know what it feels like and I believe that we were meant to have both in this life.

And THAT is my happiness moment.  


 

Standard