Tag Archives: faith

happiness

He’s got this 

It’s no secret that I’ve been feeling both overwhelmed and frustrated with God lately. I keep coming back to a passage in a book by Marianne Williamson that says when you ask God into your life, you think God is going to come into your psychic house, look around, and see that you just need a new floor or better furniture, and that everything just needs a little cleaning – and so you go along thinking how nice life is that God is there. Then you look out the window one day and you see that there’s a wrecking ball outside. It turns out your foundation is shot, and that you’re going to have to start building it from scratch. 

I feel like the wrecking ball comes through and just as rebuilding is starting to happen another wrecking ball hits. And I’m tired.

Today in church I realized that maybe the wrecking ball keeps coming through because I’m building the foundation over and over again by myself instead of remembering to turn it over. I’m building on the same shitty foundation time after time and that needs to change.

The message of today’s sermon was to remember that God’s got this, and that He’s got you. At this point my life is so scary and overwhelming I don’t think I have any choice but to trust that those words are true.

This is a sunrise photo taken in my front yard last fall. The fact that we are here, we are safe, and we are loved is a miracle and that will always be a happiness moment.  I’ll just trust that He’s got this, He’s got me, He’s got us.

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Hell’s Kitchen 

The weather was absolutely beautiful today and I managed to get out for a walk and soak in some sunbeams. On my way home I noticed my horse had made a steer friend and they each stand on their side of the fence grazing side by side. It’s cute. The evening was spent watching Hell’s Kitchen with the girl. 

What does this mean? That even though I have days like yesterday where I feel like the entire universe is dumping on me, really life is pretty darn good. And it’s good because of all the simple things – pony faces, sunbeams, girl cuddles – that is what happiness is about. 

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Show me the way

I was having some serious issues with god today – to be honest I’ve been having them for a little while now. 

I’ve been feeling a lot of that’s not fair, and why are you shitting all over my life, and seriously???????

Mostly I’m just tired and overwhelmed. To say there’s a lot of crap going on is an understatement. And to put the icing on he cake I got my lawyer bill today. Another month where I have spent money fighting because he refuses to follow the court order.  I often feel like as soon as I decided I would ask God for help and admit I couldn’t do it myself he took a wrecking ball to my life and just keeps hammering away. 

I got a call from school that the girl was sick and I had to go get her and take her to urgent care. 

I was driving on the back road and swearing at God when I flew by one of the sloughs. I happened to look over and saw 4 swans peacefully floating on it. Something inside me snapped and I pulled off to the side and took a small moment of peaceful gratitude. 


It helped ground me a little and reminded me that God is everywhere. I had a couple of conversations with dear ones whose lives are also in the shitter. It reminded me that I’m not the center of the universe and that faith is all I have. 

So I went out and hugged my horse. He is proof that miracles happen. 

And I stood and watched the sunset – first the glow to the east and then over the mountains to the west – and that was happiness. 

To the east 



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Pirate and ladybug

I had an awesome memory pop up on Facebook today – it was from 10 years ago when the kids were 2 and 6 and we had just moved to Rhode Island 

I remember the girl was so excited because we had found a brilliant ladybug costume and she was looking forward to going out to get candy for the first time. 

I got her dressed in her costume in our bathroom and then stood her on the counter so she could get a good look at how cute she was. 

Suddenly she pitched her body off the counter and yelled weeeeeeeeeee. Fortunately I was able to move quickly and grabbed her midair. When I asked her what on earth she was doing she replied well, I’m a ladybug so I can fly. 

This was such an innocent time. It was also a pretty happy time that brought back some good memories. Happiness memories. 

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Avoiding sadness 

When I started this happiness journey it was my sincere desire to get to a permanent state of bliss. I naively thought that if I found something to be happy about every day I would one day be happy all the time. 

I’ve begun to understand lately that I need to feel the sadness. Pretending it’s not there and only focusing on the happiness means I’m not open to learn the lessons that pain beings and the strength that comes from that. I believe it’s important to shine light in the darkness and not focus on the bad, but in order to grow from it I need to acknowledge the sad times too. 

Sometimes life is just hard, some days have more tears than smiles, but every day is a gift. It really is. Feeling sadness also allows me to feel joy more intensely. 

Tonight there was an amazing sunset. I stood at the window with my mom and we watched it go behind the mountains. And that moment of happiness – it was a good one. 

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Fall cleaning 

The house is a disaster. To give them credit, the kids have helped a lot over the last 3 months – but still – the house is a disaster. 

Today there was some space in life and strength in my arm and I was able to get a little bit of the chaos dealt with. We all do so much better when the clutter is cleared. I have no desire to live in a museum, but my brain can’t relax in a mess either. 

So there was a start to get order back in life. I like to think I am carefree and don’t need a schedule,  but I sadly have to say that I do bette when there is somewhat of a routine. 

The happiness for today was making space for more freedom, peace, and joy in our home. 

And him 

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Small kindness – big difference

The girl and I were back at the Children’s Hospital today. I had taken her back to the doctor and she was still concerned about her symptoms and discomfort, so off to the hospital we went.

I have to say, that while the wait is very long there (they go as fast as they can, there are just so many sick kids waiting to be seen), the care they have given us every time we have been there is impressive. It’s mostly in the small kindnesses they show – everyone going out of their way to make sure my kid is as comfortable and secure as possible. A few of the nurses have said that they look after the kids there as if they were their own because that’s how it should be.

And it really makes a difference. What is a long and boring and stressful event they really make much more positive. I am grateful that we have this hospital close by, that I don’t have to worry about how to pay for a hospital visit, and for the great care we have been getting. That is happiness.

Hopefully the girl is feeling better soon!

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Run to me

I went out this afternoon to share a treat with my pony. It’s been windy and I’ve not been feeling well, so he hasn’t had as much attention as I would have liked lately. 

He was out  in the middle of the field eating when he saw me walking towards him. He turned and galloped towards me. I know, it was mostly for the treats, but he did stop and give me a little head butt of affection before diving into his bucket. 

I prayed for this horse for so long, and by love and a miracle he’s in my yard. Happiness. 

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We are both moms

I spent a big chunk of the day with the girl getting some tests done to make sure nothing inside her was about to explode. The technician at the lab we were at was awesome. She was so patient and kind and understood that my girl was a little anxious and still feeling really crappy. She had Moana playing on her tv and explained what was going to happen and how it would feel (it was an ultrasound – so no big deal unless you’ve never had one).

We actually had to stop the test and have her drink more to get a proper reading (that girl is a camel). What amazed me the entire time was how patient, thorough, and kind this lady was. She not only wanted to make sure she got all the images she needed, but she really wanted to make sure the girl was comfortable and understood what was going on.

At the end as we were leaving I thanked her for being so kind and thorough, and she replied with we are both moms. I totally get how you feel, if she was my daughter I’d want someone to care for them the way I would for my own. Kindness, it’s always the best choice. It’s happiness.

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The story of your life 

I often feel unsettled when I think of the story of my life. It certainly didn’t go as I had dreamed and sometimes I question what I could have done differently to make things better. 

We made it (late) to church today – just in time for the sermon. One of the things the pastor said was you can trust God to write the story of your life   

And that’s it. Faith and trust. That’s what I need to fall back on. Knowing that is happiness. 

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