Tag Archives: faith

happiness

Bad to the Bone

I had an extreme case of the feels today – just too many emotions running around inside of me. It ended up being a day that I had to do a lot of driving, and Spotify led me to good old George Thorogood – Mr. BadToTheBone himself.

In my early 20s I listened to his music over and over and over, and today it did me good to blast it as loud as I could as I drove all over hells half acre.

Sometimes loud music alone in the car is needed. It brought me back to a really happy time in my life, and grabbing a hold of those memories and those feelings helped put my current state of emotions in a better balance. And knowing how to do that? That’s happiness.

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Laughing at the table 

We had a group of family over for our thanksgiving meal today. There were about 20 of us which was perfect. 

It was so good to sit at that table and laugh and share food – they are a special bunch, our tribe. 

With all our blessings, there is a lot to be thankful for. This tribe, our family, they are the top of the list. Having a place to dig our roots into is priceless. And it’s happiness. 

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The moments between

Today was a moments between kind of day. After mom’s birthday, before thanksgiving which we celebrate tomorrow. I feel like there has been a lot going on in every aspect of my life and today I took some time to breathe, balance, and reassess where I’m at.

Things are shifting again. I guess life is full of constant change. For me security used to be represented as everything staying the same and me being able to sit in the knowledge that we are safe,  and I knew we were safe because nothing was going to change.

Things change all the freaking time. It’s like being a tree, I just have to be strong enough to bend in the winds of change.

And even though I continue to resist it, change is good. It either brings about something immediately joyful, or it brings pain which opens the door to change. 

Honestly, even though there has been a lot of pain the last couple of years, there has been so much more joy – sustainable happiness – soul fulfillment.

And in the moments between – when there are quiet spaces in life – it’s important to take notice of what is happening and be grateful. Especially this weekend as we celebrate thanksgiving.

I have so much to be thankful for – my God, my tribe, my home, my family, my friends, that miracle horse, our dog who narrowly escaped with her life a couple of days ago, and our too many cats.

We are home, we are safe, we are loved. That is a perfect recipe for happiness.

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Pain brings change

There is no reason for someone to change their experience if it’s not painful.

These days before Thanksgiving are difficult ones in our house, Thanksgiving 2011 was effectively the moment our family ended, or as my then 10 year old son called it the night that ended my childhood. It’s brought up to the surface a little more this year as that same source of pain is making life very difficult for us.  What he seems to forget is in his haste to hurt me, he’s hurting the kids. This too is a pain large enough that it will bring about some kind of change. Enough is enough.

The event 6 years ago left me in enough pain both emotionally and physically that I knew something had to change. There were to be so, so many more betrayals and rages to come in the next few years, but this was the moment I knew that if I didn’t find a way out I would die. That’s a motivating factor for change let me tell you.

The pain was strong enough for change again when the kids and I had our finances cut off with a “good luck with the rest of your life” text last year and I finally filed for divorce and had to get a court order for support. That again changed everything about our lives, it also destroyed many memories as more and more lies came out.

Added to the time of the year is the fact that support is so far in arrears that we are having to gear up for another court appearance, or have some other consequence sought out. It kind of sits there like a dull pain. A pain that is calling for change -because things can’t go on as they are.

But here’s the other thing…

I’ve discovered that no matter how badly I want a person who has hurt me to know they’ve hurt me, and while I can maybe get them to acknowledge they hurt me, I can’t make someone care that they hurt me. Decent people with compassionate hearts will care if they hurt someone, but you can’t force someone who has no empathy to care that they hurt you.

But you can change things so that they can’t continue to hurt you.

And why am I talking about this? Especially on a happiness blog?

Because people don’t talk enough about this stuff. They don’t talk about abuse that goes on behind closed doors – and that those doors can be in any neighbourhood, they don’t talk about how difficult and scary it is to get out of, and they certainly don’t talk about the fact that the aftershocks of the trauma last for years.

Am I happier now than I was 6 years ago? You better believe it. I’m happier all the time – I mean there are the occasional bumps on the road, but in general I love this road I’m on. The best part of this road is there’s hope on it. There was no hope before, that was something I started building when the pain got bad enough that I started changing.

So where’s the happiness moment in all of this? There is always a moment of happiness in every situation if you look hard enough. I had to take my son to his therapy appointment today, and as I watched him I realized how far this young man has come, how much he has grown, and how incredibly strong he is.

Because through all the pain, all the change, there has been a constant source of love. The three of us have made a strong triangle based on unconditional love, and at the source, the centre, the creation of that we have connected to the Divine, to God’s love. And that is a gift we found as we changed through the pain. And that is happiness.

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Something about this house 

We were walking up to the house after school today and the boy stopped part way up the yard, looked up at our house, and said 

There’s something about this house. I don’t know, it’s the leaves and the snow, it’s just….

And the girl said 

It’s just home. This is the first house I’ve ever lived in that feels like home. It is filled with love and I love being home. 

I sometimes wonder if they miss their lives of privilege. They may have had a lot and lived in nice places, but they didn’t feel safe and secure and happy in any of those houses. 

The fact that this home is here for us and is holding us in love is a kind of happiness I have a hard time describing. This is my kids’ childhood- this is where their foundations begin for the adults they will become. 

Thanksgiving is a hard time for the three of us. It is a reminder of a very ugly incident in our family. And we have worked hard ever since to make happier memories to lay over that painful one. 

And moments like this I know we are on the right path, we will be ok, we are healing, we are finding happiness. 

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Spiritual journey

The boy joined me on an emergency grocery run to town this afternoon – somehow our cupboards became like those of Old Mother Hubbard.

I find the way that this kid’s brain works to be fascinating. At 16 he has already spent more of his life thinking about his spiritual faith than a lot of people do in a lifetime. He questions everything, about every faith, all the time. He has a strong connection to God, and walks with a lot of trust in the faith he’s found there – but he is constantly curious, and continuously broadens his understanding of who God is based on what he has learned.

And then he shares it all with me.

We don’t have a typical 16 year old / parent relationship. I am grateful for that. We talk, we are open, we are honest.

I am loving watching him grow and find himself. I am learning from him as he shares with me what he is discovering. I love that he is constantly working on his relationship with the Divine. Having that as his backbone will serve him well in life.

I am forever grateful that we have a relationship where we can just talk to each other. It’s not perfect, but it’s pretty damn great. It’s happiness.

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Back in the saddle 

September 20 I saw my doctor at the cast clinic and he told me that my bone had healed well, but was concerned because I had very little mobility still in my arm. 

As I left his office I realized two things. One was that I better get my arm moving and two that maybe I didn’t have to wait until spring to ride again. 

I set a goal to be on my horse by September 30. It was a laughable goal because I couldn’t move my arm barely at all and the pain was still keeping me up at night. 

So here we are 10 days later. I’m still up at night more than I’d like, but I’ve increased mobility a lot. And so, this happened this afternoon:


I managed to tack him up myself which was no small feat. Then I lunged the hell out of him 


And when he was finally tired I grabbed my mounting block and went to get on. 

As I stood there on the block  I got super nervous as I realized how totally vulnerable I was with only one dependable arm. 

I called the girl and forced her to come hold him – which she did. 

And I sat on his back. Didn’t even walk around, just sat there for a few minutes feeling the fear, feeling the calm. Both were there. It’s what I love most,  but I have to say I’m a little scared after my last unplanned dismount. 

But mostly I was just happy. Happy I was back on, happy am facing things that scare me, happy I have Drishti 

It was a good moment. 

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Get it together 

I had a mini meltdown today as it was the Mondayest Monday ever. As I was feeling sorry for myself and throwing a good old pity party the boy interrupted me. 

He said mom I’m going to talk to you like you talk to me when I’m like this 

For God’s sake get your shit together. Look around, don’t you see what a great life you have? You look after us, you’re a great mom, you’re dealing with all the support issues, you’re learning new things so you can get a job. You pull us up when we are down. Sorry I’m not all rainbows about this- but that’s not how we are. Get yourself together

Dammit he’s right. Having moments of feeling overwhelmed I think is normal, but remembering to be grateful for all be wonderful things in our lives. Those are the happiness moments. 

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Small changes bring big results

I had the opportunity that allowed me to reflect on what my life would be like now if I hadn’t started making small changes all those years ago. I would be someone I  wouldn’t recognize – in fact even when I look back on that old life I can’t believe that was me.

I think about the day I fell on the floor and prayed for change, it was almost 6 years ago, after the incident at Canadian Thanksgiving. It seemed like change took forever to happen, yet here we are now living a life completely different life. Small changes, big results.

What if I was that person I used to be still? I’d be broken. Totally and completely broken. Living a life I wasn’t made for, pretending to be someone else, lost and sad.

Sometimes I feel like it takes too long for the changes to occur – I get impatient. I’ve been working for this better life for so long. The boy reminded me the other day mom – you yourself said that sometimes God has to wait until you’re totally broken apart so He can put you back together. And that’s true. I’m so damn stubborn, it takes a lot before I’ll accept the help I need. This shoulder thing has been a good lesson for me in learning to accept help and appreciate the kindness of those around me. Today, on week 8 after my fall, a neighbour is still bringing us a weekly meal. Every single Monday she’s shown up with something for us. Talk about an act of kindness.

All those small changes brought Drishti into my life. He was my drishti years before I knew he existed.

If you don’t know how he came to have his name – here’s a recap:

A dristhi is a specific point of focus that is used during meditation or while holding a yoga pose. The reason for the focal point is due to the belief that where our gaze is directed, our attention naturally flows. It is a way of looking for the Divine everywhere, and it allows us to see God in everything. It blocks out the clutter and noise, and keeps our intention set on what is important.  Focus all of your attention on your drishti and all the chaos of the world disappears and you are able to connect with God. 

For me, horses always have been my spiritual vehicle. When things were bad and I was so out of balance, I prayed for and focused my attention (set my drishti) on having a horse to ride again. So, when through a series of miracles this horse came to my life I knew his name was Drishti. He makes the chaos of my world disappear so I can focus on what is important.

If it weren’t for all the small changes, this wouldn’t be my life now. And I love my life now. And that is happiness.

 

 

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