Tag Archives: faith

happiness

Too much fun

I really could have my happiness moment just be this one photo. I have waited a lifetime for this to happen again, for the longest time it seemed impossible. Drishti is proof of the power of prayer and my heart has a broken piece put back together. Love is a beautiful thing. 

He loves the girl too….

But there were other moments of happiness today. It was the last Sunday for our pastor at church today, and while it was a sad time, there was also happiness. Happiness that he is following his calling, happiness in the form of a community lunch gathering, happiness that people share faith that there is always a plan even if we can’t see it at the time.

There were happiness moments like the one I felt driving this morning and this evening. The next two photos were almost taken at the same spot – the first of the sunrise reflecting on the mountains this morning and the second of the elk hanging out in the evening. What an amazing place this is where we live.

I feel like I’ve been really impatient with God lately and wanting Him to shine the light a bit further down my path. This weekend, while I don’t feel like the path is brighter, I feel like I have a lot more faith that I am on the right one. It all reveals itself at the right time. 

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So here we are 

It has been two years exactly since we landed in Calgary and started a new chapter in our lives. So much has happened since then – death, divorce, love, friendship, pain, healing… we have pretty much covered it all. And not a moment goes by where I am not thanking God for bringing us back home where we belong. 

Being back in our tribe, having people to share our lives with, being able to see the mountains every day – none of this is to be underestimated. 

Healing is hard. Or at least it has been for us. I feel often like we have just managed to heal up some wounds and the attacks come again, or old wounds are reopened. And yet we all are so much farther along than we were even 6 months ago. It all had its time and it all has a lesson. 

I keep coming to that – that I need to make sure I learn the lesson in the experiences because I know they are there and they are changing how I live my life. 

This evening I got together with a couple of my cousins. We are so fortunate that we have this tight group – I was born with a ready made tribe of female friends. We can pretty much share anything with each other which is a rare and important quality in a friend. 

Driving the boy to basketball tonight for his time if happiness I had to pull off the road. The sunset was amazing. 

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The life changers

I realized today that two years ago the kids and I had just said goodbye to our life in Virginia and were on our way home to live… back where we belong. We ended up having to spend the night in Seattle due to some weather issues, but we were on our way home. So much has happened in our family in that time: pain, sorrow, joy, faith, laughter, family. It has been a season of great change. I am starting to feel like the person I was before, and I think the kids are starting to figure out who they are now.

At the very least, we are safe in this life.

At the very most (is that a thing? It should be a thing) we are making bonds with family, planting roots where we already had some growing, making new friends and deepening connections with old ones, healing, growing, learning to fly, settling into a new normal of life.

Today was a good day. A couple of HUGE happiness things happened for me today which I will share down the line. But, let’s just say…. I found my Drishti… I have kept that steady, focused gaze for years… I have had faith… it has coloured how I see the world… I have found my Drishti.

I also, out of complete frustration after a crappy day yesterday, sat down with my Streams In The Desert devotional book and read today’s entry. Honestly I only read it because I was kind of frustrated and pissed with God because it felt like he wasn’t really listening to me. Basically what I got was to calm myself and chill for a bit, that He works in His own time.

Today we may be unable to see the final outcome of the beautiful plan that God has hidden in the shadow of his hand. It may be concealed for a very long time, but our faith may rest in the assurance that God is still seated on His throne. Because of this assurance, we can calmly await the time when, in heavenly delight we will say “all things have worked together for good.”

We should be more careful to focus on learning all of the lessons in the school of sorrow than to focus anxious eyes towards the time of our deliverance. There is a reason behind every lesson, and when we are ready, our deliverance will certainly come. Then we will know we could never have served in our place of higher service without having been taught the very things we learned during our ordeal. God is in the process of educating us for the future service and greater blessings….. 

Don’t steal tomorrow from God’s hands. Give him time to speak to you and reveal His will. He is never late. Learn to wait.

Got it.

And of course today was a day of things falling into place and happiness falling into my heart… my Drishti, my focus, is clear and it’s mine and that is happiness.

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First day of spring 

I am so happy that today is the first day of spring. I love this season for many reasons (the biggest being that it means that the cold is hopefully on it’s way out), but this year I find more than ever I need the reminder that change is possible. I need to change how I am dealing with things. It seems that Mr. X plans on spending a lifetime trying to keep us in a place where we are insecure and fearful. We just got through the emotional  episode he created a few weeks ago and now are in a financial one where he is apparently refusing not only to pay for the ordered treatments for the kids, but also the support payment for this month.  It seems to be the one way he figures he has left to cause pain and chaos and he wants to push it until I break.

Except I’m not going to break again. The last few weeks have really made me realize that I need to strengthen my coping skills when it comes to him. I can’t allow this kind of chaos to reign in our home.

Obviously I can’t change who he is or how he rolls, but I sure can change how I deal with it. I think I have finally realized that no matter how much I hope or pray (and I have for years) that he will turn into someone I could trust or even just have a basic polite relationship with, that’s not going to happen. I hope I have anyway – it’s painful to want someone to turn into the kind of person you know they could be but to know it’s probably never going to happen.

But, here we are in a season of change. I get to decide how I am going to handle things as we move ahead. I am not going to spend the foreseeable future feeling insecure and afraid.

I was reminded in church yesterday that loved people know how to love and that it is important that we receive love so that we know how to give love. The main focus of our home has always been love, but somehow fear and anger got caught up inside of that and it changed things.

I need to make sure that our home is once again filled with love so that we can go out into the world and share love. We all need to know how to give and receive love. So, I am going to hand off my feelings of fear and anger to my higher power and to the people here who can deal with it, and I’m going to go back to loving. Part of stepping out of my fear is being able to stand up to him and not allow the way I am being treated to continue any longer. It’s not ok.

Happiness today is knowing that the season is changing and so am I. It’s been a long ass road.

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Routine 

I will tell everyone I know how much I resent routines. I don’t like getting up and doing the school morning rush, I especially hate making lunches, I grumble every day as I go meditate, I usually don’t want to exercise, I often look for excuses not to go to church Sunday…. all of these routines that keep our lives organized I complain about. 

I want to be a free spirit and just do what moves me. Except that does not work so well and it turns out I do need a bedtime, consistent mealtimes, regular meditation, regular exercise, time set aside for spiritual practice. And so do my kids. 

I’ve had some pretty big nudges from the universe lately that have left me feeling a little like this:


And yet what choice do I have? Well I do.. you either pay attention and answer or you stand on the edge of the cliff forever. It’s funny, because this meme actually shows exactly what I’ve been describing to my close people lately about how I’ve been feeling. Stand and ignore or leap in faith. 

We had a bunch of activities happen today, all part of our routine – and the kids thrive doing these things. This lays the foundation for happiness. Breaking out of the routine and splashing in our massive puddle like the girl and her cousin did? That’s soul laughing happiness. It’s all part of the complete package. 

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The spring puddle 

Things are melting like crazy and our giant puddle appeared in the yard today. This puddle holds generations of memories of kids splashing and playing – my mom remembers playing in it, my generation did, and so do our kids. Maybe even my grandpa’s generation found time to sneak out and play in the puddle.

It means (hopefully) the end of the brutal cold is gone and we have survived another winter. I am ready to see things start to grow, the calves start to come, the swans return, and smiles come back to our warmer and happier faces. Spring… it is the promise of new life and regrowth.

I have been working on some personal development – funny how the dark times seem to generate even stronger bursts of learning and growing. The rainbow in the storm.

It made me smile today seeing the puddle come back. I will need to grab my boots and my kids and go outside and play in it a little bit. Happiness.

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Spring forward 

It was beautiful outside today – for the first time in what feels like forever it was actually nice enough to go outside for a walk with my Dotted Dog. When I don’t do it on a regular basis, I forget how balancing just walking outside in nature is for my spirit.

I walked a path that holds so many memories for me – memories of my childhood, my horses, my dad. Usually when I do this walk I am filled with emotions about times past, in the last couple of years it has usually involved some tears as I pass by the spot where we scattered some of Dad’s ashes.

Today though, there were the old memories sitting there like old friend, but there was also a lot of looking forward in anticipation for the future. I was thinking about all the new footprints we will be leaving here as little memory banks. We have been working so hard these last few years to remove the unpleasantness of the past, it is really nice to be able to have reached a place where I can begin to look ahead with excitement and hope.

I am understanding that Mr. X will always try and send as much hate, chaos, and fear as he possibly can my way. That is just how life is going to be. But, I am learning better coping mechanisms – I am building a better support system – and my reactions are lessening. That allows me to be able to look ahead with joy more often than looking over my shoulder in fear.

Happiness was watching my happy, happy dog running all over the place, happiness was standing in this place I love so much and feeling that there are joyful things coming ahead.

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Feet on the ground

I spent a lot of time today taking about faith and life and other good, deep stuff. First with a cousin/life long friend and then with the boy. It was almost like one conversation flowed into the next one even though they happened hours apart – it was pretty cool. 

I need those kinds of chats that let me explore where I am in my faith and how other people see theirs. 

The boy summed up our anxiety issue well tonight. We were talking about horses and basketball and how they ground us and open our spiritual paths (horses for me, basketball and other sports for him). He said it’s true what they say – depression is worrying about the past, anxiety is worrying about the future. We need to find the  things that help put our feet on the ground right now in the present moment and live in it. 

Wise words from a 15 year old. 

That’s what today did for me, and what I’m working at balancing into – finding the things that keep my feet on the ground and focusing on the present moment. 

My tribe. It’s full of  awesome and wise people. Happiness. 

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Safe place 

I have realized over the past couple of weeks that even though I strive to provide a safe environment, even though I have worked so hard to feel safe and to make the kids feel safe, that in fact we are very insecure in our feeling of safety. I believe we are safe here, but I think because we were unsafe for so long that those fears are hiding not far beneath the surface.

Although I was very conscious of the fact that we actually were unsafe when we were living that life, I had no choice but to stuff that feeling as far down as I could and try and keep moving ahead – not only for myself but for my kids too. I didn’t realize until lately how fearfully unsafe they felt during that time as well. I don’t know what I could have done differently, but I wish they didn’t carry that burden as part of their life history. Now that there has been some time and some healing I seem to need to go back into that space and acknowledge the fact that there was no safe place, no grounding, that it was in fact a very scary time. I wasn’t making it up or exaggerating it, it really was that bad. I have journals of that time that make me cry whenever I open them (which isn’t often – too much pain).

I went out for a walk today and without consciously intending to, ended up at my safe place. This is the place I visualize when I need to stop, breathe deeply, and imagine where I am when I feel safe. It’s a spot that is filled with decades of my footprints. Skating, swimming, walking, horseback riding – I’ve been here with loved ones, on my own, with my horse, with my dog. It’s my sacred ground. It’s funny, when I was away I spent time in my memory on many parts of the ranch, but not often here. It wasn’t until we were back and I was out walking that I remembered how much of my childhood I had spent in this spot.

I realized as I was standing in my safe place, taking in the security and the beauty of my surroundings, that I need to come to a safe place within myself. I think one of the hardest things to heal has been the fact that I lost faith in myself. Part of that was years of him telling me what a stupid, useless piece of crap I was, part of that was me not listening to my intuition, not trusting myself, and instead following someone who I knew was not being true to me. I lost faith, or the ability to trust myself, and that means I couldn’t feel safe within myself. I am learning to have faith in myself, I am learning that I can trust in the fact that I can look after myself and my kids. I will get to that safe place within myself.

And until I do, I need to remember that I have this place that lets me know what safe feels like. Being there is pure happiness.

It’s Canadian camouflage – the dotted dog and the grey horse

 

Our swimming/skating spot

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Our refuge


As you may know, we have been really struggling this week. I have felt like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders as I have tried to provide a safe place to fall for my boy while he’s in crisis, and the girl too who is pained as she watches her brother suffer. It’s been overwhelming and I have really struggled knowing what is the right thing to do. I have also been incredibly angry- angry at how things have turned out, angry at the person who caused this trauma, angry at this whole situation. Anger isn’t going to get me anywhere, I am well aware of that, but it’s been my companion this week nevertheless.

I woke up this morning feeling pretty lost. I just wanted to lie in bed and cry – tempting but not an option. I said a little prayer (ok, I yelled at God a little bit) and asked what I was supposed to be doing? What do I need to get us through this?

We got our lazy butts to church – a little late – but we got there. The sermon was about how God is our refuge.

God is our refuge and strength a very present help in trouble

Of course.

You know, there has been a lot of crap go down in our lives over the past few years. Every time I have tried to *do* something it’s either made it worse or nothing has happened at all. But, when I have stopped everything – and I mean everything –  and prayed, miracles have happened. We have had small miracles and some really freaking big miracles happen to us over the past few years.

I kind of forgot I had this place of refuge and strength.

I have kept coming back to the words of the therapist last week – that healing can’t happen when we don’t feel safe. And as long as Mr. X has any say in things he will do whatever he can to make sure we don’t feel safe and can’t heal. And I have been running around trying to put out the fires he sets while draining myself of everything I have in an attempt to make us feel safe. But, the only time that burden has ever been lifted, and when we actually do feel safe, is when I have handed it all over to God.

He is our place of refuge and strength.

Sitting in church with the two people I love most in the world while we were reminded that we already had the keys to our place of refuge and strength – that is happiness on such a deep level. We will keep healing, we just need to remember that we have this place of refuge that is with us no matter where we go.

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