Tag Archives: faith

happiness

Life hits you out of nowhere 

Yesterday I was brought back to the words of my acupuncturist: that even when you are focused on and connected to the Divine, life can hit you out of nowhere and throw you off balance. 

That was pretty much yesterday in a nutshell. One second I was thinking how great it was that I kinda had my crap together and things were under control and literally the next second full on, meltdown crisis in the parking lot. And it’s so much harder to deal with when the pain belongs to someone I love, but I can’t fix it. I know the cause of it, but not the cure. It breaks me. Maybe I need to be broken. I don’t know. 

A couple of weeks ago my aunt emailed me a psalm reading because I was complaining that God wasn’t shining His flashlight brightly enough on my path. 

Psalm 119:105

Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path.

It wasn’t really the answer I wanted (I wanted to know what was ahead on the path), but the words have been sitting in my heart ever since. 

Today I was doing some studies, trying to rebalance myself again, and came across something similar. A reminder that it’s a process, that endurance is needed and that the light is always there. 

So, I got a little angry with God and went out and had my usual field temper tantrum asking why if the light was there it couldn’t be bright enough so I can see down the path and know that everything will be ok. 

This is a lesson in faith, learning to surrender control. I don’t like it. I like the illusion I have control enough to keep us safe and looked after.  I totally don’t. 

I realized that maybe the light is only being shone brightly where I’m standing because I need to pay attention to what is happening now, not looking ahead down the path. 

I also don’t like this. But I think it’s important. There are things happening that need my attention right now. And in this moment where the light shines we are safe. That should be enough. Should.  It’s what I’m gong to focus on anyway – I’m letting g of all the other distractions and looking at what is important. 

And for the moments when it’s not enough, I have Drishti. He forces me to have faith and trust when I’m scared, he makes me learn when to hold on and let go, he reminds me how to be in the moment. He’s  helping fix my soul. 

Tootling around the field with him, that is happiness. 

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Buddha’s birthday

The boy and I went to a service today that celebrated the Buddha’s birthday (while all the other Christians were at Palm Sunday), so I can now add that to the list of interesting things I’ve done. And it was quite interesting, and enjoyable, and very peaceful. I like the quiet meditation and the sensei is really very funny. The kids brought a (chocolate, this was very important, the buddha likes chocolate apparently) cake in and as they walked we sang happy birthday. When we were done one of the smaller kids asked the sensei how old Buddha was. He answered: how old is Buddha? Buddha is one – because Buddha is one with everything. Hahahah – truth.

Afterwards they had a celebratory lunch which we were invited to, so we had this amazing (free) meal and got the chance to meet some pretty interesting people. It was fun to be part of their celebration and it was a happiness moment I got to share with my boy who seems to find a lot of peace in this.

I had a moment of personal happiness later in the day after having conversations with two different friends. I chatted with them about somethings that have been weighing heavily on my mind and in my heart and came away feeling so much better – not only about the issues, but about the fact that I have such supportive, loving friends. This tribe I have is amazing and I am grateful for them always. That is life happiness.

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The next step

I signed my final divorce papers today. Assuming he does the same, that part will be over and done with very soon. I felt incredible relief as I put pen to paper and let go of years of hope, fear, distrust, shame, loss, and sadness. It is over and I don’t have to ever go back to it again. Thank God.

I told my lawyer at the end of our meeting you know, three years ago I was going to bed with a can of Raid wasp spray beside my bed for protection because things were so volatile I was afraid of what could happen in the night. Now I live back around my family and I get to ride whenever I want, we are safe and our whole lives are different –  and I showed her a photo of Drishti and where we live. It was a pretty amazing moment to just let those feelings of the last few years of my marriage, the last year of the divorce, and the understanding of where and who I am now flow through me. A lot has changed.

I had to stop by my accountant and give him a letter from the lawyer about support payments. He said the government wants detailed accounts and that sometimes it can be a battle. I smiled (he knows enough of my story just from seeing my tax info filled with court orders) and said one thing I’ve learned over the last year is I’m not afraid anymore to go to battle – it’s what I do. He then said the kindest thing – well just know that this battle you won’t be going into alone. I’ll be there with you and you will be just fine. I mean, really there’s nothing to battle – I have all the documents to prove what I need, it’s just the difficulty sometimes of dealing with the tax department. Thank God I found this man, he has helped me sort through things for two years now with such kindness and patience.

I have learned two things over the last year. One is that I want to be completely independent and rely on no one for anything ever. The other is that I would not be where I am if I didn’t have the support of the people who love me and if I couldn’t have depended on them for help, love, and support (emotional and financial).

I could never survive without my tribe.

I thought there would be more sadness today, but I think all the sadness happened when I filed for divorce and was admitting that things were never going to be how I wanted them to be. Today there was just happiness and relief. It is the start of a new era, I get to make a new path, hope for a better future, build a new life.

 

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Off balance 

A few weeks ago I had this amazing acupuncture treatment. I don’t know how to explain what he does, but it does weird and powerful things to my energy. 

I was telling him about the issue I was having staying connnected to God and a message I had received from Him that I was having a hard time figuring out (of course I wasn’t having a hard time figuring it out, I just wasn’t a fan of the message and wanted it to be something easier). 

He had me out my arm out and use all my force to stop him from pushing it down. I am weak apparently and it didn’t take much for him to break my hold. Then he told me to pick a spot to focus on (my drishti  before Drishti) and connect myself to my Source and hold my arm. He couldn’t move it no matter what he did. 

He said this is how strong you are when you are connected to God. Why would you go through life any other way? 

And then he grabbed my waist and pushed me sideways towards  the couch and said of course, when you’re totally focused and in balance, life has a way of coming at you ahd throwing you off balance where  you least expect it. 

Truth. 

Today I was a it riding Drishti and was all proud of myself. I had finally found a good balance of holding on and letting go. I was trusting him to run and have his head a little more and feeling so happy that I could literally let go of the reins and enjoy the ride. 

And of course he took that opportunity to stick his head between his legs and take off bucking. He was just having fun and I was able to stop him before I hit the ground. But a reminder that the balance of holding on and letting go is constant. And that even when I think I’ve got it all figured out the unexpected will happen. 

A good lesson to hold as we walk this path that has so much uncertainty. I know it’s being lit up as I need it to be, but I still want a stronger flashlight. 

There is a soul freedom I get on that horse I can’t get doing anything else. I connect myself to God and just am. It’s happiness. He’s awesome. 

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Allowing anger 

I discovered today as I was flying down the dirt road playing music as loudly as my stereo could handle it that I was feeling really angry. Not just mad or upset, but beat things with a baseball bat angry. Not as a lifestyle, but as an emotion that is passing through me.  And I had to sit with how I felt about that for a while.

But first- why am I angry?

I did my taxes this morning. Well, to be honest some kind man did my taxes for me. Between what I have spent on legal fees and what I owe I taxes it covers almost all of the support I have received from Mr. X. And my lawyer informed me that I spent over 65% of my legal fees just forcing that man to pay support.  

As this realization hit me on the back road – that I was crazy angry – my first impulse was to dismiss, stuff down, or deny that feeling. But that is what the old me does –  now I am working at allowing all the feelings to come and go – the good ones and the bad ones.

We lived in a house where it was not safe to have any feelings. If there were angry ones we got raged at for being angry, if there were hurt or scared ones we got raged at for that as well. But the good feelings weren’t allowed either – if things were too good or we were too happy then rage would come to make sure we didn’t ever feel that we deserved to have happy feelings. It’s enough to make one end up feeling emotionally numb. And it certainly left me feeling scared of having any emotions.

But, I’m angry. And it’s ok to be angry. Because it’s not going to turn me into a angry person, it’s not going to define who I am. I’m just angry.

And, actually I’m not even angry anymore.

Why?

Two things happened.

One is I read my devotional this morning from Streams in the Desert and it told me this (which I held close to my heart all day):

Once our eyes are opened by God, we will see all the events of our lives, whether great or small, joyful or sad, as a “chariot” for our souls. Everything that comes to us becomes a chariot the moment we treat it as such. On the other hand, even the smallest trial may become an object crushing everything in its path into misery and despair if we allow it. The difference then becomes a choice we make. It all depends not on the events themselves but on how we view them. If we simply lie down, allowing them to roll over and crush us, they become an uncontrollable car of destruction. Yet if we climb into them, as riding in a car of victory, they become the chariots of God to triumphantly take us onward and upward. 

There is no way I’m letting that chariot run me over if the other option is to hop in and let it take me for a glorious ride. I’ve been feeling run over lately, I forgot there was another choice.

The second thing was that I came home and healed my soul with Drishti. I left the home that my great grandparents built and we now live in thanks to my uncle and aunt, passed the barn my grandpa built, walked by the field where my cousin keeps her horses, to my Drishti who came into my life thanks to a gift left by my godmother, and rode him out to the field where the swans are – a place that we have enjoyed as a family for generations (and one that particularly brings back really fond memories of my dad). I realized how incredibly blessed and fortunate I am. The kids are safe and happy and are getting to live this amazing childhood in the fold of their family. I am safe and happy and living an amazing life in the fold of my family. I have my Drishti to keep me sane and focused. Everything else is just noise.

I will not be run over.

So, in a weird way, honouring that anger brought me to happiness. It brought me through the angry feelings, allowed me to experience them and understand why I had them, and it allowed it to move out. I was able to balance myself in the happy life that I have created and remember how incredibly much there is to be grateful for.

the view through Drishti’s ears

the swans as we rode by

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Lost in the parking lot 

This evening the girl and I channeled my dad as we got lost in the Walmart parking lot. He was famous for forgetting where his car was and I’m sure he would have found it hilarious watching us wander around. I was saying to her as we left the store how I wasn’t really enjoying adulting as much as I had thought I would and that what I really needed was someone to kind of manage me. No sooner had I got those words out than we realized we didn’t know where the car was and we had to stop and search the lot (it was on the far side). I didn’t realize that some poor man had been following us and listening to this entire conversation, but he certainly got some good laughs at our expense and said as he walked by yeah, this parking lot can be confusing for sure and snorted and laughed as he walked away. That was silly happiness.

I had healing happiness today in the form of some energy work that did some deep spiritual shifting and healing. It’s all coming together, maybe not as fast or as ordered as I’d like it, but it is coming together. That is gratitude and happiness.

More happiness came watching my girl practice her softball. It certainly is her sport and it’s really cool to see her be so confident and own what she is doing. Then we came home to this view… and… well… this is what happiness looks like…

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Holding on and letting go Drishti style

Something I have been working on for years is finding the balance between holding on and letting go. Drishti decided I needed a lesson today on how it is important to know when to let go when what I want to do is hold on because of fear. I’m so tired of fear holding me back.

He’s 10 but he’s still green in most ways – he wasn’t broke until he was 7 and spent most of the last 3 years doing trail rids or chilling in the field so when I bought him last week I was all excited about the idea of me being able to teach him things. He’s teaching me so much more.

Something I really like about him is that he’s got lots of pep but barely any spook. Something I have discovered about myself is that I now spook at everything.

Is that going to hurt us? Will he freak out when the geese fly out of the slough? Will he lose his mind when we ride away from the other horses? What if he bolts and bucks?  And a million other things.

Drishti on the other hand just goes along chill as can be checking things out. What he really wants to do is just run and run and have fun. But I, of course, am all there are so many holes in this field. Mole hills everywhere. This is the same field I broke my nose in when I was a kid – wouldn’t it be ironic if I broke it again. What if he takes off and I can’t stop him?

So we are trotting along and I’m grabbing at his bit (holding on) and he’s wanting to move out more and have some fun (just let go). But I’m holding and holding and he’s being so patient but also kind of done with me. He starts slowly pushing his neck further and further out getting the reins longer and longer  (a very sneaky way of getting me to let go) all the while making his trot a little faster and somehow managing to do a trot/canter thinking I won’t notice what he’s doing until finally he’s just cantering.

And suddenly I realize that by letting go of those reins I was finding freedom and having fun.  We were racing across the field, something I have wanted to do for years. I’ve dreamed about it, prayed for it, and almost missed being able to do it today because I wasn’t going to let go. And yet I was still holding on enough that if I needed to I could slow us down, keep us safe.

The balance of holding on and letting go Drishti style. He’s awesome.

I love looking through these ears.

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Brighten the path

One of the biggest issues I struggle with is wanting God to shine a light on this path so I know where I’m going. More than at any other point in my life I feel that I’m on the right path, that God is guiding me and supporting me – and more than at any other point in my life I have no idea at all what is happening in my life. It’s weird to have both the feeling of complete certainty that I’m on the right path and have no idea at all where that path is leading. 

I guess this is what faith is about. 

And I can’t leave the path because every other direction is fear and I can’t go there. I need to follow my heart, listen to my guidance, seek my bliss. 

But damn. Where am I going? 

The struggle is real. 

My Facebook memory popped up from a year ago today and it made me realize how far I’ve come in a year. Today a year ago we were still in that terrible, fear filled state where Mr. X had cut off finances and the court order for support hadn’t been put in place. I look back at how I was then and how much stronger, wiser, braver I am now and I realize how much I have traveled on that path of faith. 

I went for a drive with my boy today and he shared some of his feelings of his growth over the last year. There has been a lot of pain, but has there ever been healing and growth. And knowing that we are deepening our faith, learning to love and trust, and finding freedom – that is happiness. 

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Friend time 

I had a coffee date with a dear friend of mine. I’m really understanding the older I get how important that tribe of girlfriends is. And I’m so lucky to be back here where I have friends who have known me forever. 

This friend and I have shared some of the same struggles and embraced a lot of the same growth over the last few years and it’s so nice to chat with someone who just gets what I’m going through – the good and the bad.  That is true happiness 

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In the field 

Drishti and I made it out of the corral for a real ride in the field today. This was kind of a big deal as it meant I felt confident enough that I wasn’t going I fall off and die in a pile of cow poop (what a terrible way to go). 

It was awesome. We walked and trotted around the field and even though I’m sure he couldn’t see the point of it he happily took me wherever I wanted to go. He’s perfect and exactly what I prayed for. He does so much good for my soul I can’t even explain it.  But parts of me that were missing are back and whole again.  Happiness. 

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