Tag Archives: love

happiness

That’s who I used to be

I stopped at Planet Organic tonight to get a few items – giant jug of maple syrup among them. 

At the till the man asked for my name, but when I gave it to him it didn’t bring up my customer number. I fished out the card, he turned the screen as he swiped so we could see what name came up. 

When I saw the name I said oh that’s who I used to be. He laughed and asked if I wanted him to change it (I did). Then he said that’s who I used to be – I like that. I wish I could change myself sometimes too. 

And I told him it’s possible to change yourself without needing a name change. You just have to do it. 

Then he told me how to make candied nuts with the ton of maple syrup I had bought. He said I could add nut lady onto my list of changed names. 

I like it. Weird conversations that make me laugh. It’s happiness. 

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Small changes bring big results

I had the opportunity that allowed me to reflect on what my life would be like now if I hadn’t started making small changes all those years ago. I would be someone I  wouldn’t recognize – in fact even when I look back on that old life I can’t believe that was me.

I think about the day I fell on the floor and prayed for change, it was almost 6 years ago, after the incident at Canadian Thanksgiving. It seemed like change took forever to happen, yet here we are now living a life completely different life. Small changes, big results.

What if I was that person I used to be still? I’d be broken. Totally and completely broken. Living a life I wasn’t made for, pretending to be someone else, lost and sad.

Sometimes I feel like it takes too long for the changes to occur – I get impatient. I’ve been working for this better life for so long. The boy reminded me the other day mom – you yourself said that sometimes God has to wait until you’re totally broken apart so He can put you back together. And that’s true. I’m so damn stubborn, it takes a lot before I’ll accept the help I need. This shoulder thing has been a good lesson for me in learning to accept help and appreciate the kindness of those around me. Today, on week 8 after my fall, a neighbour is still bringing us a weekly meal. Every single Monday she’s shown up with something for us. Talk about an act of kindness.

All those small changes brought Drishti into my life. He was my drishti years before I knew he existed.

If you don’t know how he came to have his name – here’s a recap:

A dristhi is a specific point of focus that is used during meditation or while holding a yoga pose. The reason for the focal point is due to the belief that where our gaze is directed, our attention naturally flows. It is a way of looking for the Divine everywhere, and it allows us to see God in everything. It blocks out the clutter and noise, and keeps our intention set on what is important.  Focus all of your attention on your drishti and all the chaos of the world disappears and you are able to connect with God. 

For me, horses always have been my spiritual vehicle. When things were bad and I was so out of balance, I prayed for and focused my attention (set my drishti) on having a horse to ride again. So, when through a series of miracles this horse came to my life I knew his name was Drishti. He makes the chaos of my world disappear so I can focus on what is important.

If it weren’t for all the small changes, this wouldn’t be my life now. And I love my life now. And that is happiness.

 

 

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45 degrees 

In huge personal news, I lay down this morning to do some of my exercises and I was able to move my arm to about a 45 degree angle! This is a huge improvement from having no mobility at all after I broke it. There’s still not a lot of lateral movement and it still hurts like a fother mucker but it’s an improvement. 

Happy dances all around. 

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Friends who balance 

I was having a pretty crappy morning – it felt like everything that could go wrong was. 

I got a text from one of my best friends as I was having a personal pity party. This woman is amazing and brave and has lead the way on a path we never thought we’d be on when we met years ago (and were both playing be role of Stepford Wife. Whatever we are now we are much more authentic versions of ourselves). 

She could feel my angst and stopped her world for a few minutes to help calm mine. It’s amazing what a huge difference a little act of kindness can make. Soon I was feeling balanced and peaceful again. It changed the mood of the entire day. I’m so grateful for her, for all of my tribe. We aren’t made to walk through this world alone.  

It’s happiness 

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Fall changes 

It’s still 35C and I’m going to enjoy all that summer has left to offer.  There’s so much smoke that it’s hard to forget how badly we need moisture. 

I got my fall ‘do done today. I have the best stylist and she’s a good friend as well as being amazing at her craft. It’s always fun to catch up with her. And it’s even better to have someone help me feel better on the outside when I’ve been feeling kind of crummy on the inside. It brought me a much needed energy lift, and as an added bonus I had time to do some soul healing reading while I was getting the colour done. 

Both the appointment and the reading reminded me there is only love or fear and I need to choose which path I’ll walk. Timely given that my own personal source of evil has decided to go on the attack again. It’s important I handle it in a healthy way for me and for my kids. 

Here’s the fall look

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First day 2017

We were back at it this morning. For the first time in 6 years the kids are going to the same school again and I am thrilled. The girl was pretty nervous – worried about being the new kid yet again. Her brother was so good about letting her know he’d stick with her until she knew were she was going. 

It ended up she had 2 friends from her old school also transfer and made one new one – so as she said she already has a group to hang out with. 

After school they were both full of smiles and excitement for the year ahead. It al just makes saying goodbye to summer ok – almost. 

I’m so proud of these two turkeys. They are happiness. 

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Light at the end of the tunnel

I took my boy out for a special one-on-one end of summer thank you for helping out lunch in Cochrane this afternoon. If you haven’t been to the Fence and Post – go – seriously – the food is amazing. When he took a bite of his dessert (the tart) he made faces I’ve never seen before. When I asked if he was enjoying it he said I feel like I should share this with you, but it’s so good I don’t want to. I have never tasted anything quite this good before and my body is confused by all the happy feelings it has. Much as I enjoyed my cake, obviously next time I’ll have to try the tart.

And a grilled cheese to die for – brie and apple with other yummy things inside. The boy had pastrami. And OMG the corn chowder. My stomach is still thanking me.

 

And while this could have very well been the happiness moment of the day (and it really, truly is a happiness moment), I had an unexpected one come later on. I was having a serious conversation with the boy about how I was feeling like I had let them down this summer by being hurt, how I had to ask them to do so much more, and how I was feeling overwhelmed by all the things that needed to get done. His response (and this was in the middle of him being mad at me, so it came as a huge heart happy surprise) was this: mom you think you’re a burden to us? You’re our light at the end of the tunnel. You’re what holds us up, you’re the only person we have we can count on. You brought us out of the darkness and have shown us a life full of light. 

Overwhelmed by his words. I always feel like I haven’t done enough, I wish I could remember to see things from his eyes more often. I would be a lot kinder to myself.

 

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Change the story she tells herself

Probably one of the only good things about getting older is that it means that the angst filled years of being a teenager are getting further and further in my rearview mirror. The more I watch my daughter step onto this phase of life the more this is confirmed for me.

We had a minor tragedy at the mall today. She had been gifted a small sum by her nana to purchase whatever she wanted as a back to school treat- she’d be able to buy some earrings or a sparkly headband – or whatever tickled her fancy. However, somehow on the way from the car to the store the money got lost.

Her reaction was heartbreaking. She started beating herself up – saying how stupid she was, how she didn’t deserve the money in the first place, and how it was all her fault.

None of this is true. This girl is amazing, she’s got this amazing pure heart and will go out of her way time and time again to help out others.

But no matter how many times I told her this she wasn’t hearing it. She was playing the soundtrack over and over in her head that was telling her she had no value and that all bad things that happen is her fault. She burst into tears and said what do you expect me to think? I was told this over and over for all of my life until we left and came home. The aftermath of the chaos of her childhood, it’s hard when one of the people who is supposed to protect you tries instead to destroy you.

I tried telling the story of how amazing I think she is in many different ways, but it was making no difference. We drove to the grocery store and I grabbed some things for supper, then we went to Safeway to get one more thing. She was tired and sad and stayed in the car so I was by myself. As I came out there was a young guy sitting by the door, head down, holding a sign that said homeless- please give – anything helps.  I had $3 in my pocket and I walked over and gave it to him.

But, as I got into my car with my crying daughter, a backseat full of groceries, and prepared to head back to the home we love; I thought of two things:

One was how grateful I was that we had a tribe to pick us up and help us out when we were left with nothing.

The other was how weird it felt to drive home with so much food and leave this poor kid sitting outside with nothing.

So, I said to the girl that we were both going to get out of our funk, she was going to see what the real value of money was, and we were going to get him some supper. We went to Good Earth and got him a panini, a fresh cookie, and some iced tea. We went back to Safeway and both got out of the car and walked the supper to him. Jenna commented after Mom, did you see the look on his face? His eyes were so sad at first, then he looked like he couldn’t believe that we were doing that for him. I feel so different, even my tummy feels different. I’m glad we were able to do something nice for him.

And I reminded her that years ago we used to buy gift cards for food for some of the homeless people in Roanoke. I said this is who you are. This is the kind of heart you have. When you’re telling yourself who you are – this is it. You give to people, you help people, and you love people. Even when you feel like you’ve got nothing to give, there’s always some way you can help someone else. 

And she said yes – that’s true.

That is happiness. A deep, make me cry, love her so much, happiness.

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The memory keeper 

My dad was the family photographer, in effect he was our memory keeper. Everything that we did that was recorded was thanks to his passion for photography. I appreciate it even more now that he’s gone and we no longer have someone snapping shots of the good moments in our lives.

Jenna needs a new computer for school this year and my mom said that she could use dad’s old laptop. For the first time in 2+ years it got turned on and we took a look at what dad left behind (as an aside – when I die I need someone I trust to go through my things and delete, delete, delete).

Here are some photos from their trip to Virginia in 2013 to visit us. Our lives took a HUGE turn sideways within a day of my parents going back home, and it was good to look back and see some really happy memories from a time I’ve tried to wipe out.

So, here’s a little trip down our memory lane. I’ve found it hard to look at Dad’s photos – they bring back such bittersweet memories. But today we looked at them and it was Jenna’s turn to laugh until she cried. There were a lot of good times. A lot of happiness.

This was Easter 2013

 

Neither Jenna nor I have any idea what this is. She says I look so proud of it, but it looks like poop. So there you have it.

Swimming was always a huge part of any grandparent visit. My kids inherited dad’s love of the water.

Day trip to Monticello – one of our favourite spots – I loved Charlottesville.

Jenna rode this scooter everywhere. Interesting that I made her wear a helmet here, but there’s no helmet on the toboggans at home.

Those of you who know me understand how emotionally scarring this was for me. Freaking mascots.


These girls love doing this still.

 

And these from 2010

 

These kids and these cats – good buddies. We lost Tawny last year in an accident 😦

I grew up being super close with my cousins – I love that this tribe of cousins has kept their close bonds even when we had thousands of miles between us.

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I did it myself 

For the first time in over a month, since I fell off and shattered my shoulder, I was able to put a halter on dear Drishti. It may not seem like a big deal, but in my world it was HUGE. It means I can catch him, groom him, play with him, and start to do some groundwork with him. 

It’s a next level happiness. I love that boy. He makes my spirit feel free. 

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