Tag Archives: narcissistic abuse

happiness

Puzzle Peace

I had a gentle reminder tonight that I need to be paying better attention to the answers that I’m getting to my prayers. Last year as Dad was dying  I finally understood that prayers were answered in a good way but not always in the way I wanted them to be. This seems to be a lesson I will need to learn a few times before it sticks.  

I have prayed over and over for peace in certain areas of my life. There has been powerful movement and change towards that peace, but there are still a few ties lingering that hold me back from fully letting go. I was talking with him tonight about peace and what I want and what I need to let go of to have that happen (I love that we have these kinds of conversations. I have wanted someone to talk like this with my whole life). 

As I was driving home I went over our conversation in my mind and felt a wave of peace come to me as part of my healing puzzle fell into place. I had been looking for a certain way to measure my strength, healing, and growth. I had a specific objective I wanted in order to gauge my success. I realized that in fact God has already shown me exactly what my strength is, He’s helped me heal, and I know just how much I’ve grown. So the fact that my measurable objective wasn’t there does not take away from the fact that what I was looking for has been with me all along. 

I think one of my favourite things about conversations with him is that he can look at all of my feelings and then put them into thoughts. It amazes me how he can open his mouth and say to me the words I have been unable to find that describe exactly how I’m feeling. 

Standard
happiness

The good kind of scared 

I took Jenna and her friend to Spruce Meadows today. It was a perfect day to go – before the big tournament starts so it still had the feel of a horse show instead of being a big spectator event. Those are fun too, but today I just needed a good fix of horses and their riders. 

I love watching the amatures, the only thing better is watching the kids on their ponies. It’s a totally different sport than what goes on in the International Ring. The girls really got into it too. They figured out how many faults you got for what and paid attention to how the horses were getting around the course. It was really cool to listen to them be so excited about something that has brought me so much joy. 

I realized while watching the jumpers that I miss the good kind of scared. Where something gives me butterflies, but I’m excited, and that little thrill of fear is a good thing. I spent so many years where the only kind of scared I felt was a really bad kind that I forgot there’s another kind. The one you feel when you put your trust in another living creature and take a huge leap of faith. I know the only reason I ever managed to get around a course was because of the trust based relationship I had with my horses. My human relationships now are much like that as well. I’m only walking this path with people I trust and love. 

A beautiful happiness moment at one of my favourite places on Earth followed by a family supper at his house. It was good. 

Standard
happiness

Setting the standard

I was pretty sure when I woke up this morning that my happiness moment was going to be a no brainer – today is my unniversary.

I wasn’t sure what to do about that this year. It’s been a difficult day for me for the past few years as things went from difficult and strained to really freaking bad. This year though, I felt like it needed recognition somehow. This year the date marks the beginning of my new life, of freedom, of the possibilities of new beginnings

I pulled out my wedding album and took scissors and then a match to it. I have wondered for a while what to do with that album. I didn’t want it in the house anymore, I didn’t feel like just throwing it out. So, I had a ceremony with it. I let all of the hopes, dreams, prayers for that life go up in flames. I set fire to them and watched them drift away. They’re not hopes, dreams, or prayers for my life anymore – and I have not wanted them for a while. I have new ones now, happy ones, authentic ones.

Interestingly, it was not something done in anger. It was done very mindfully and it released a lot of stuff that really needed to go. I saged the house afterwards and felt those toxic emotions leave our home.

I realized that I will never, ever again let someone else set the standard for what I can achieve. I also realized that the people who are close in my life now believe in me and want to see me thrive – as I do for them.

Then I spent the afternoon with someone who has become very dear to me. It came to me while we were together that I am no longer running from anything, I also am no longer running towards anything . I am now living in this space where I am. I am on the road and I’m loving the journey.

I thought that was going to be my happiness moment, but then the kids and I went to the fruit truck in Cochrane and loaded up with BC cherries and raspberries. We ran back to the car and sat in the parking lot gorging ourselves and moaning loudly about how delicious it was. I love this time of year when the berries and the cherries have arrived. I love that they love it as much as I do.

(this is one of my dad’s photos)

Standard
happiness

The open door

We have worked very hard to create a home that is safe, loving, warm, and happy. For a while it meant that we kind of shut our space down and kept it a very private and protected place. Now that we are home and surrounded by loved ones, those barriers are able to come down in huge ways and the home is becoming a more open, joyful, free place again.

 

Today I had finally convinced myself to get some housework done and was blasting music and vacuuming up pet hair (ugh) when I looked out the window and saw my aunt standing outside. What a wonderful surprise! She and my uncle had been visiting in the area and stopped by to see if I could join them for lunch. It’s another one of those things I appreciate more after being away for so long – I love that our tribe can just stop by and say hi at any given time. We spent years and years being lonely and isolated from our people. I had a lovely happiness moment enjoying lunch and a visit with my aunt and uncle – I don’t get to see them often enough.

As a bonus secondary happiness moment, cousins joined up at the top of the driveway today after school. It warms my heart to see this group of kids hanging out together. These cousin bonds are so important. My own sister and cousin friendships have carried me through every bump in my life.

Standard
happiness

Tipping point 

I fee like I’m at this really weird point in my life. It’s like I’m in the air in the jump between running away and running towards. There’s some weird stuff in this space. What do I want to take with me as I run away? What do I want to grab hold of as I run towards? 

Everything I was supposed to do over the last few days has gone undone. Not by choice, but because of more important things changing my plans. It has made things both clearer and more confusing. 

I spent the afternoon with some unexpected one on one time with my boy. I love that time with him and appreciate that he will spend it with me. Tea and visits with the boy- happiness moment of the day. 

And we both agreed that we are looking forward to relaxed summer happiness moments like this one was 

Standard
happiness

The safe place to land 

I realized a few years ago as I was searching for my safe place to land that the kids were in need of the same feeling. It was a pretty overwhelming realization to come to that I needed to be full time, 100%, without fail, their safe place to land. 

As our family dynamic has changed my role is changing once again, but that need to be their safety blanket remains. I’m not sure where this road is leading, but in this moment and time I’m so thankful that I have the ability to be there for them without question whenever they need me. And I’m grateful that they know this and appreciate the security it provides them with. 

I had an urgent call this afternoon from Jenna at her school – she was not feeling well and needed to be picked up.  This last year or so has been full of reminders of how important it is to first care for the people you love. Everything else shakes itself out. 

It makes me happy from a place of deep gratitude that I am able to be there when they need me. It’s wrapped around the joy of knowing I have people here to fall back on as well. 

Standard
happiness

Water balloons and Sunday afternoons. 

Jenna and I finally got the rest of our flowers in (not that we are finished, just that the rest of what we had bought is in the ground). When we were done we put the hose to a Rubbermaid and made water balloons. It seemed like a good idea at the time…. not so much when they ganged up on me when it was done. 


And then it was ON! I threw the container full of water on the boy and he spent the next hour trying to get me back. Finally he cracked one over my head and he considered that a victory. It was a silly, crazy happiness moment. 

I realized today as Jenna and I were gardening that I am finally starting to see results showing up of dreams I planted in my soul a few years ago. Instead of running from pain and fear I now am running towards joy and freedom. It changes everything. 

Standard
happiness

Follow your heart 

The last few years have been spent really learning to listen to my heart. You can call it what you’d like – listening to my heart, listening to God, honouring my intuition, it has all put me on the path leading to where I am now. 

Here’s what I know for sure. When I ignored my heart, ignored those voices speaking from my soul, and tried to play the game of life safely things didn’t work out so well for me. In fact everything I played safely for made me miserable and I ended up losing it all in the end. I was empty and broken. When I was left with nothing and had the chance to start over I realized I had the power to make some changes. I could decide how I wanted to live the rest of my life. 

Now my heart, my intuition, my spiritual voice is the one who gets to make the decisions and I can’t remember when I’ve been happier. It’s amazing how much anxiety can be avoided, how much energy saved, when I just stop and listen to that inner guidance system. Even in this place of uncertainty and insecurity I’m more convinced than ever that I’m doing the right thing. 

I can tell it’s right because my heart is happier. My happiness moment today was some time spent really connecting with that happy, peaceful part of my heart. It’s a pretty amazing feeling to know that my heart is safe and in a good place. 

Standard
happiness

A few good men 

We spent this last weekend remembering and celebrating the lives of some really good men in our family.  I was thinking earlier today how incredibly lucky we are that we have men like we do in our extended tribe. 

I look at what I have learned coming through this divorce and I understand how easy it would be to end up angry at men based on that experience. And while I’m still pretty angry at Mr. X (especially as we have to head back to court again just so I can get permission to send my kid to therapy) it makes me appreciate the amazing men we have in our lives. In fact I feel like more than ever the kids and I have very purposeful conversations about the inner strength of these men. 

We spent the weekend remembering my dad, celebrating the birthdays of some uncles in the extended family, and also mourning the loss of one more of these great men. Saying goodbye is always difficult and I feel deeply for my cousins who are in the process of doing that now. 

But how lucky are we that we have this community of strong, moral people to help guide us through life. When you love someone there will always be the pain of loss, but so much better that than to never love at all. 

My sister branding uncle Dave back in the day 


My happiness moment today was driving Jacob to football practice. He’s waited a year to get back to playing and it was awesome to see his excitement. We are blessed. 

Standard
happiness

Setting the standard 

I was pretty sure when I woke up this morning that my happiness moment was going to be a no brainer – today is my unniversary.

I wasn’t sure what to do about that this year. It’s been a difficult day for me for the past few years as things went from difficult and strained to really freaking bad. This year though, I felt like it needed recognition somehow. This year the date marks the beginning of my new life, of freedom, of the possibilities of new beginnings

I pulled out my wedding album and took scissors and then a match to it. I have wondered for a while what to do with that album. I didn’t want it in the house anymore, I didn’t feel like just throwing it out. So, I had a ceremony with it. I let all of the hopes, dreams, prayers for that life go up in flames. I set fire to them and watched them drift away. They’re not hopes, dreams, or prayers for my life anymore – and I have not wanted them for a while. I have new ones now, happy ones, authentic ones.

Interestingly, it was not something done in anger. It was done very mindfully and it released a lot of stuff that really needed to go. I saged the house afterwards and felt those toxic emotions leave our home.

I realized that I will never, ever again let someone else set the standard for what I can achieve. I also realized that the people who are close in my life now believe in me and want to see me thrive – as I do for them.

Then I spent the afternoon with someone who has become very dear to me. It came to me while we were together that I am no longer running from anything, I also am no longer running towards anything . I am now living in this space where I am. I am on the road and I’m loving the journey.

I thought that was going to be my happiness moment, but then the kids and I went to the fruit truck in Cochrane and loaded up with BC cherries and raspberries. We ran back to the car and sat in the parking lot gorging ourselves and moaning loudly about how delicious it was. I love this time of year when the berries and the cherries have arrived. I love that they love it as much as I do.

(this is one of my dad’s photos)

Standard