Tonight we went to a family birthday party – called the 250 party because the ages of the three men being celebrated adds up to 250 years.
I was thinking this evening how lucky we are that we have such amazing men in our family. My whole family is such a blessing and I would be lost without my tribe. It was a fun happiness moment of celebrating birthdays and laughing and just being in the fold of the family.
I think one of the things that allows me to live in my introverted bliss is my evening walk. It is there where I usually come across my equally introverted family and neighbours and get to laugh and visit. A social introvert gathering. We all acknowledge and understand how it works.
Jenna joined me for my walk tonight and was thrilled as we stopped to talk to three carloads of cousins. She said do you always meet so many people on your walks? No wonder it takes so long. Another reason why it is good to be home, and a joyous happiness moment
A very simple and pure happiness moment today. Jacob and I bought a tomato plant. It’s gardening season and we celebrated by eating a couple of tomatoes that were already ripe on our plant.
It seems the Grinch is going to keep on trying to steal Christmas from us, but we will continue to hold hands and sing.
These past few days have been filled with jumbled emotions for me. I’m nervous and excited about completing my Ayurveda course, I’m being filled with bittersweet memories of where We were a year ago, and I have this deep sense of peace that I am exactly where I am supposed to be.
Maybe I will never process all of the emotions that filled me at this time last year. Even now, looking back as we entered into the last week of Dad’s life I couldn’t believe we were there. I was beginning to understand that it was part of God’s plan, but I couldn’t imagine life without him. Here we are a year later and I still can’t believe he’s not here. There are still tears shed on a regular basis as I drive back and forth on that gravel road.
And yet here we are, here I am a year later and so much has changed. I feel like a completely different person and yet more like myself than I ever have. This year of growth has allowed changes in me that have been waiting to burst forth for a lifetime.
I’m sure the next couple of weeks will be filled with more random tears than normal. They’ll also have me sitting with old memories, happy memories, of things we used to do with Dad. Best of all, it’s his time of year, which makes it easier to get out and celebrate his memory. The wildflowers have appeared, the blossoms are on the trees, there is new life and new hope everywhere.
My happiness moment today is being with the kiddos and their friends in Canmore. The drive here is always phenomenal, their laughter lifts my spirits, and I have this deep peace in my soul.
I realized today that finally, truly, and deeply, my heart understands that we are home. For the past year I have wanted to lie on the ground and hold on – partly in gratitude, but also because there was a fear that this was going to be snatched away. My soul has shifted and now it is at peace and content with the fact that we are here. We are back where we belong with our tribe.
Now that we have the security and grounding of having a place where we belong, it becomes safe to spread our wings again. We will each do it in our own way, but it will happen with the knowledge that there is this base of love to fall back on.
My happiness moment was when I was out walking tonight. I soaked in the scenery that I love so much, visited with family, and thanked God for this life that I have.
I spent the evening with my boy. When I am lucky enough to get quality one on one time like this I remember what a smart and funny person he is. I love getting to hear what is going on in his head.
He’s so mature and has the ability to put himself in other people’s hearts to better understand how they are feeling. I feel so blessed to have this loving soul in my life.
Scarfing down sushi tonight with him was the happiness moment for the day.
We are sitting in the movie theatre anticipating my happiness moment for today. 2,5 hours of watching Robert Downey Jr (or as they say his friends call him, Bob. That’s just wrong) on the big screen. Or as Jacob would say, watching the new Captain Ameirca movie Civil War.
I feel so blessed that there are three generations of family out tonight enjoying time together. Plus, Robert Downey Jr…..
I had some unexpected alone time with the boy this afternoon. Between school and our (un)family situation he’s been under a lot of stress lately. Today though, he was back to his regular happy self. I love that version of him.
While we were driving into town he grabbed my phone and started typing everything he wanted to say into google translate. So, every time I’d ask him something Siri would answer. It was kind of like talking to a ventriloquist holding a dummy. The answers he gave were off the wall funny and completely unexpected. He had me laughing so hard my sides hurt.
It’s been a tough few months, or a tough year, actually it’s been a really hard last few years. It is so nice that we are getting to a place where we feel the freedom to start to laugh and enjoy life more often.
It was a great happiness moment today, belly laughing with the boy as he cracked jokes.
We have so much to be thankful for. Even though I’m still asking God, I find myself thanking God more and more often.
Today started off as one of those days where nothing seemed to want to go the right way. There were no big disasters, but I just felt really off my game.
Finally I realized that The Girl had passed some of her cold virus my way and I was just a little under the weather – so much better to realize that than thinking the universe was conspiring against me. A little lie down and I was much happier.
Jenna had her guitar lesson today. She has taken so naturally to that instrument. It’s a real pleasure to watch her as she learns new songs. This week she decided she wanted her instructor to teach her Cadillac Ranch.
I went in near the end of the lesson and her teacher was grinning from ear to ear. He said he’d been feeling off all day and was having a terrible time of it, and that playing that song had picked him up and put him in a really good mood. He turned and thanked Jenna for wanting to being such a happy song into class.
It’s amazing how a relatively small thing like a song can put a shift on a bad day and turn it into a good one. It reminded me that it’s important to pay attention to those small moments because they can be game changers. Listening to them jam to Cadillac Ranch was my happiness moment today.
The past year and a bit have been quite the emotional rollercoaster for me. One thing that has stayed constant has been my understanding that through all the things that have been going on I have been held firmly in the hands of God. Even in the times that I have questioned things, I know that He has been guiding me and holding me.
I had a rather profound experience during my meditation yesterday. I realized that even though I’ve done a lot of work getting through and getting over the hurts that happened during the course of my marriage, and even though I’ve been very consciously working at cutting all the remaining emotional chords (the ones remaining being full of anger and pain), that I had never really said an emotional goodbye to him. And, unfortunately for me that was going to mean forgiving him.
There’s a big part of me that still does not want to forgive. I want to be small and petty and sit with my anger and hurt. There’s an even bigger part of me though that wants to be free and happy. That part of me knows that I need to forgive in order to finally be free. Remember how I swore I never, ever would forgive? Damn it!!!
I’ve struggled with forgiving him before. I did it over and over again in our marriage. What I found issue with back then was that every time I forgave him, another more painful betrayal would soon pop up and I’d have to not only deal with another forgiveness, but also the realization that I’d mistakenly given trust and placed faith once again. This time though, I’m able to go into this without having any expectations of him at all. We will never have any kind of relationship again, I won’t ever have to trust him or believe his word again. I just have to forgive him and let myself be free, so that he can be somebody that I used to know.
I couple of weeks ago I posted about how I felt I was sitting at a locked door and I thought I had the key (that key being surrender) but didn’t know how to use it. Part of the surrender I struggle with involves forgiveness. I don’t expect to forgive overnight, but I expect it to happen. I feel lucky in many ways, I am not dealing with a broken heart, that part of the relationship I dealt with years ago. However these feelings of hurt and anger can be quite the load to let go of as well. I see people decades after divorce still carrying that around and I don’t want that for myself. I want to move into a healthy and functional relationship with a partner whom I love and trust and I have to be that person myself as well.
My aunt sent me a letter a while ago which sat forgotten on the kitchen counter. I opened it today and she wrote me about finding faith at my locked door. I think it was waiting for me to open it today because today I’m ready to really hear the words. In part it included some scripture from Rev. 3:19-21
those whom I love, I reprove and discipline; be zealous therefore, and repent. Behold, I stand at the door and knock; if anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and will dine with him, and he with Me. He who overcomes, I will grant to him to sit down with Me on My throne, as I also overcame and sat down with My Father on His throne.
God has guided me so patiently and clearly in this past year (I know He has all my life, but He’s made me pretty aware of it lately), how can I not listen?
My birthday present this year was the beginnings of the divorce, and my Mother’s Day present is the beginnings of forgiveness. I feel like they’re the two most important gifts I’ve ever given myself.
My happiness moment today happened at 1:00 am. I woke up suddenly and grabbed my phone without knowing why. I saw a few missed calls and texts from my cousin. She was trying to tell me to get outside and look at the Northern Lights. I woke the kids and we ran out into the yard to see God’s amazing light display. They were some of the best ones I’ve ever seen, they danced all over the sky. It was warm and clear and we stood out there for over an hour admiring the show in the sky.
