Tag Archives: tribe

happiness

Lay it down 

I think I am finally at the point where I lay down some of the burden I am carrying to God and surrender it. There’s nothing more *I* can do now anyway, someone else is going to decide what is fair and just and we will both have to live with that. I am looking forward to that, we are never going to agree.  I don’t want to be carrying around all this hurt and anger anymore. I do want the chance to begin to build a new life.

Part of the reason I’ve struggled with the surrender is because I have the feeling that what will come after that will be sadness. I’ve done disbelief, betrayal, fear, anger, and now here I am – surrender and some sadness. But, what am I sad about really? Now that I know who he is, I don’t love him so I’m not sad about it being over. I’m not sad about the idea of starting a new life. I think I’m just sad about the end of a dream I had for our family. A dream that was never going to come true anyway. I think the sadness part is going to be relatively quick.

So, I’m going to lay it all down and surrender it over to my higher power. I know he feeds on my anger and hurt, I’ve seen his smug smile when he’s managed to upset me (and I’m not the only one who has noticed this). It seems to bring him some strange satisfaction to know he’s managed to make me feel insecure or upset. I don’t need to be fueling that anymore.

I want to walk into the life I’m living now with joy and gratitude. There is so much about the life I’m living now that I appreciate. I am surrounded by an awesome tribe of people, I live where I love, I am gaining confidence in the career I’m establishing, and I can smell horses from my front yard. It’s time to look forward into my happy future instead of looking back at a very painful past.

Today is kind of a whole happiness moment day. I spent quiet time working on my course, spent time visiting with my sister, walked the dog on a gloriously warm Sunday afternoon, and tonight the monsters and I are having a very special (and fun, fun, fun) cousins night. I have so much in my life to be happy about and I am incredibly grateful that I decided to look for a happiness moment in each and every day. I think about how much my joy has increased since I began this journey and it makes me smile. Life is good.

I love where I live

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Ain’t nothing going to break my stride

I took the dog out for a very windy walk this evening. It’s beautiful, but those chinook winds mean business today! I have been using the winds lately to help me blow out old, stuck emotions. So I’m actually kind of glad for the opportunity to face the force and let that stuff flow out.

I’m realizing as I let go of past hurts that I have this entirely new life ahead of me. I will be able to live a life where I’m not afraid of the person I live with, where I’m not afraid of what they’re going to say or do. I now can surround myself with people who make me want to be a better person. People who bring love and light into my world and let me reflect my own love and light into theirs. It’s exciting. 

I’m finding it’s already happening. I have been reminded of the awesome tribe of people I already have in my life, and I’m attracting really wonderful new ones in as well.

It’s never too late to start realizing your dreams, and I have realized that now is the time for me to start living mine. It’s a pretty wonderful life I have stretched out ahead of me. 

I’m finding my stride, and discovering my confidence once again. Something that had been squished  under fear and anxiety for a long time. 

I can’t let the fact that I was emotionally attacked for years define who I am any longer. I mean, it has changed me and shaped me to some extent. But I’m not his victim. I am this whole, new person with a deeper understanding of compassion than I ever was before. 

The discovery process we went through was brutal in many ways, but what it did do was affirm for me that my intuitions were right. All those things that I was being told for years and years were wrong with me weren’t my flaws at all.  I have my flaws, but those weren’t them. And now I can let all that stuff blow out of me. It’s not going to keep me from living my dreams anymore. 

My happiness moment was walking the dog along the fields I know and love so well. Letting the winds blow out old junk and welcoming in wonderful, new possibilities. 

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A girl day

I went up to Banff this morning and spent some girl time with my cousin. She’s heading off soon on an adventure to Ireland. Heading off to live her dreams, I admire that so much.

One of the great things about family is that we can comfortably pick up in a relationship no matter how long it’s been since we’ve seen each other. Coming from the same stock and having a basic understanding of how we were raised helps bring us together even when time keeps us apart.

I realized today how much I need to get out and spend more time with my girlfriends. I have been reminded recently what an awesome tribe of women I have in my life and I need to celebrate those relationships more. I have been so focused on the kids, making sure they’re feeling safe and secure, that sometimes I forget to make sure that all my emotional needs are filled as well.

My girlfriend time today was a much needed boost to my confidence. I spent so many years being told how useless and pathetic I was, it is so wonderful to now be around people who celebrate who I am (and with whom I can do the same back to them).

With that in mind, I have decided it’s probably time for me to get a personal life as well. Life is meant to be enjoyed and I finally have healed enough that I believe I deserve to have someone in my life who treats me with love and respect.

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At the long table

The kids and I spent may years where it was just the three of us sitting at our little round table. Those lonely years spent away have made us all the more appreciative of our family and the shared times that we have now that we are back among our tribe.

Today we spent time with my relatives from the “east side” of town. My cousin’s granddaughter was in a skating competition and it was my aunt’s birthday, and the kids and I joined them in the celebration. I had forgotten how much I enjoy watching figure skating, it’s so beautiful and graceful. We went for lunch to celebrate my aunt’s birthday and there were enough of us (15) that we were seated at a huge, long table at the back of the room. I have so missed family meals that involve sitting at a long table full of laughter and conversation. I feel like in the last year we have been well absorbed back into that lifestyle. We got to do it again tonight at my mom’s place with my sister and family (only 8 of us this time though).

My happiness moment today was catching up with my cousins and aunt and uncle. One of the great things about family is that they always know who you are even during the times when you are apart. It has been such a blessing to reconnect with this tribe.

A bonus happiness moment came yesterday when Gretchen Rubin made a comment on my blog post about happiness done Ayurveda style which I had put on her Facebook page. That post really brought back into focus for me how important it is to keep on doing what I am doing. I can feel all the good vibes coming back to me.

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Tea for Two

I love it when I wake up and know in advance that I will have at least one happiness moment to be excited about in the day. Even though we have been back home for almost a year, I still have a small list of friends with whom I have not been able to have a really good sit down visit. Pathetic I know, but when you combine a really busy life with my being a socially awkward introvert, it’s amazing I ever get together with anyone. I am remembering now that I’m back around my tribe how very important it is for me to actually get out with friends and talk and laugh and share.

This afternoon I met with a dear old friend that I have not had a really good visit with in years – like since our kids were all in diapers. Since coming back I have run into her at the grocery store a couple of times which was a great way to have a quick catch up, but nothing like what sitting down over a cup of tea and sharing will do for the soul.

I’m so grateful for this friendship. We are unlikely friends in that we are different in so many ways. And yet, since the first time I met her we have had this strong bond that has drawn us together. Generally I have a really difficult time opening up with people, and she’s one of those very rare people with whom I know I can safely share absolutely anything.

We had a wonderful two hour tea (which turned out to be much too short), and we shared where our lives have gone over the past 10 years since we last visited. Had we shared back then where we thought we would be right now I don’t think either of us would have predicted the paths our lives have taken. It is such a gift to have someone that you can reflect on your journey with – someone who just listens without judgement and shares their own in the same manner.

We left our visit having decided that the time has come for our families to tighten our bond. Her husband is the godfather of my Jenna and they don’t know each other at all. But, now that we are living in the same town and travelling on similar life paths, all of that can be rebuilt.

There are so many gifts that are coming out of what seemed to be such an uncertain and scary time. It helps me so much to know that I have so many people now with whom I can share my journey with – in happiness and in sorrow. That support of the tribe makes the trip so much more enjoyable. A beautiful happiness moment shared over a cup of tea.

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Alberta Bound

I have a happiness playlist on my phone that I listen to almost constantly. The songs are many and varied, but for different reasons they all bring me happiness when I listen to them.

A year ago the song that was played over and over was Alberta Bound by Paul Brandt. By that time we have been away from home for over 10 years, Dad was so sick, and I was desperate to be back among my people. We had decided the fall of of 2014 that the kids and I would be able to return home June 2015, but I was filled with uncertainty about how that would happen and if it would happen before it was too late for Dad.

I was listening to the song again today and thinking of what I was doing a year ago right now, still living in Virginia, still so uncertain, and alone, and homesick. I played Alberta Bound continuously as I prayed that somehow we would safely return back to our tribe. I remember sitting on the floor of our kitchen repeating the words over and over

I’m Alberta Bound
This piece of heaven that I’ve found
Rocky Mountains and black fertile ground
Everything I need beneath that big blue sky
Doesn’t matter where I go
This place will always be my home
Yeah I’ve been Alberta Bound for all my life
And I’ll be Alberta Bound until I die

Somehow I figured if I repeated it often enough it would make it happen.

And then it did. Things got quickly worse with Dad and I knew that if we didn’t come back right away we would not make it in time. We packed our essentials, left the rest of the packing in the good care of my friend to supervise (and later my husband to ship) and we left. Alberta bound.

We made it in time to spend two and a half months with Dad before he died. I will be forever grateful for that time that strengthened our family for what was to come.

 Back home again. The barn built by my grandpa  
Now we live in the house that was built by my great-grandparents, beside the barn built by my grandpa ( I can see it when I look out the kitchen window. That is happiness). We have our tribe all around us, we are firmly grounded in our roots, and I can see horses in the field (you have no idea what that does for my soul). This place has always been my home and I am so thankful that we are back here. We need the love and the support of our family and friends, and we are so blessed to be blended back in with them again.

Today on my drive home from the morning school drop off I had to pull off a couple of times to admire the beauty of where I live. It was a gratitude filled happiness moment.

  Those amazing Rocky Mountains. I never get enough of them. 

  

Machinery in the hay valley by our house  
 

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I’m on my way

I live my life through theme songs. The one that has been showing up for me lately is The Proclaimers I’m on my way. It sums up how this past year of mindfully walking my path towards happiness has been. I’m on my way from misery to happiness today (uh -huh uh-huh u-huh uh-huh yeah). I may not be at my final destination of bliss, but I’m on my way. I’m a lot farther down the path than I was a year ago.

I had a moment of gratitude for my life as I was driving home from the school drop off this morning. I am so happy to be living back in the fold of my family and my tribe.

the view on my morning commute today

God blessed me with a spring like day today. It was 10C for most of the day, and even though it was a Chinook, it wasn’t that windy where we are. I got to celebrate my birthday in the sun and with loved ones surrounding me.

Jenna asked me what my happiness moment today was and I was trying to describe how I felt about the day to her. She said so, what I’m hearing from you mommy is that you’re happy because you have so many people around who love you and are kind to you and make you feel happy and safe. That pretty much sums it up. My happiness moment is just that. I have attracted an awesome tribe that surrounds and supports me from both near and afar (I love my birthday on Facebook. It’s always so heart warming to receive all the happy birthday wishes from friends and family whom I’m not able to see in person).

My people also have a great sense of humour. This card from my cousin created laughter that came right from the belly. I am so incredibly thankful for the people I have in my life that hold me up and make me laugh.

My thought as I move into this new year is that I’m on my way. I’m really such a better version of myself. I’m happier, I’m more capable of dealing with life’s ups and downs, I’m safe and secure surrounded by an awesome tribe of people.  All of that makes me more able to share love and kindness – to create safety and peace for those around me.

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And so the sun sets on this year 

Tonight is my personal New Year’s Eve as I finish off another trip around the sun. A year ago tomorrow I began my journey to happiness with this blog. When I go back to the early days of my happiness journey I am struck by how much things have changed. I was so desperately seeking happiness, but I was so lonely and afraid and unhappy. Now I am surrounded by loved ones, less afraid, and so much happier. I love my life being back home, grounded into our roots, secure in the love of our family and friends.

There has been much joy over the past year, reuniting with old friends, strengthening bonds with family, walking happily out in the fields at the ranch, and living in a place that makes my soul feel complete. There has also been a lot of sorrow, losing my dad, and learning to let go and surrender (still working on that one).

Through it all, I am filled with immense gratitude. I have a blessed life and I am surrounded by wonderful and loving people.

I had three happiness moments today. First I heard Jacob describe his day of snowboarding at Nakiska with his school. It was his first time on the slopes and it seems to have been a resounding success. Secondly, my nephew had his surgery and is back home recovering. Thirdly, I had some wonderful visits with family that made me feel strengthened and loved. I am so thankful for my tribe.

 

 

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Family Christmas Party

Today there was a family Christmas party hosted by my Great Aunt and her daughters. She’s the same Great Aunt who holds the annual family Canada Day Party, and these events are so important for us all as times to get together and visit and laugh and share.

I consider myself lucky because I come from a family that has mostly stayed in the same area since my great grandfather and his two brothers came out here in the 1880s to ranch. I think in many ways before we moved away,  I took for granted the strong community bond that we have out here because it was all I knew. It wasn’t until we started moving that I realized how many people are floating around out there without their tribe. I am so happy to be back in mine.

My happiness moment today was a long chat with an old favourite uncle. When I was a kid they used to hold Pony Club at their place – in fact they were known in the area for throwing the best “D” Rally and that was something we all looked forward to. I have memories of being somewhere around 5 or 6 and spending the week there sleeping in a silo at camp, and lots of memories of racing our horses around the cross country course.

In times when I need to dig deep and find some bravery, I think of my times there how they taught me to find that inner strength. Some of it was just out of sheer terror and not wanting to look like a big chicken, but that was only because I looked up to them all so much and  I wanted to be able to keep up with everyone.

When I was 9, I had a rotten (but really cool) horse named Snowflake whom I loved deeply but who had a terrible habit of rearing up when she was nervous. Uncle Harvey was the timekeeper that year and as he looked at me and said “one minute”, Snowflake reared up and I slid right off her bum and landed feet first on the ground. I walked around to her side, someone gave me a leg up, and without missing a beat Uncle Harvey started the countdown 10, 9, 8, 7…. and I was off on the course. I look back at that moment as a really special one in my life, he gave me wings to soar.  First of all, there was a very strict no helping the rider rule – so the fact that I was given a leg up showed that they were quietly supporting me. She was tall and I was small and I used to have to jump up, dig my knee into the stirrup and then climb my way up into the saddle. The fact that my uncle didn’t make a big deal out of what had happened meant that I also didn’t make a big deal out of it.  We ended up not only having a perfectly clear round, but coming in first in every class that day. It was one of my best days as a kid.

It was so lovely to be able to have a long chat with him today. I got to hear all about his family and how they’re doing and just chew the fat a little bit. Even though he doesn’t live that far away, I don’t see him all that often (last time was at the Canada Day Party) so it was a real treat. These family parties are so important for all of us. We need to remember that we are a part of something bigger than ourselves.

Another happiness moment (aside from the general joy in seeing family/neighbours) was seeing smiles on older relatives when they learned that we are living in the old house. Everyone has memories of coming to the old house and visiting, or sometimes living here. One uncle (the twin of my happiness moment uncle) said that his first real bath was taken in the footed tub in our bathroom here. I love that we are living in a home that has so many memories for all of our relatives. It’s a great way of feeling bonded and grounded.

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Sew it together 

My happiness moment today was being with Jenna and our multi talented friend Alysha while she helped Jenna with her Christmas projects. 

Jenna loves to sew and has been wanting to for so long. Now between her Grandma and Alysha she’s got some wonderful teachers.

This definitely falls under the it takes a village to raise a child motto as this is not a skill she will be learning from her mother. I am so grateful we have this awesome tribe of people around us. 

   

A bonus happiness giggle was when Jenna put down her almost empty glass of eggnog tonight and left the room. Ella the cat thought she was alone in the kitchen so she jumped up on the table and tried to fit her face in the glass for a little drink. When that didn’t work she stuck her paw way down in the glass, scooped up some eggnog and brought her paw up to her mouth for a little lick. She sat by the glass doing this over and over until Jenna came back into the room. Then she hopped off the table and pretended nothing had happened. 

Jacob and I were in the next room howling with laughter.  

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