Author Archives: Melissa

happiness

My happy place 

The other night we did an exercise that involved going to our happy place in our minds. That place where you are totally safe, secure, happy, and at home. For me it was a no brainer – I’ve had the same happy place since I was a kid.  I’m sitting in my happy place right now in fact – lucky me. 


Having that safe place to go and to be in is part of what grounds me and connects me back to God. I’ve been pretty unbalanced lately and it’s only been the last few days that I’ve realized how completely off centre I’ve actually been. 

I woke up at 2 last night unable to sleep. My tummy was in knots and I was feeling totally anxious and out of sorts. Not a good feeling. I decided to do some long overdue energy work and did some heart healing. It took a couple of hours, but I finally got back to a place where my heart felt open again and that’s what allows my  energy flow up to God and out to my people. 

I’m so grateful that I am learning better and more effective ways of bringing that balance back into my life. It’s the only way I can function properly. My happiness moment – my happy place. 

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Pretty toes, lighter heart 

This afternoon Jenna and I finally got around to getting our summer toes done. It’s been a full year since our last pedicure so we were well overdue for some girl time getting our toes pretty. It was a blissful joy happiness moment sitting with my girl and having some bonding time. 

As an unexpected happiness moment I unburdened myself of some things that had been hovering around my heart causing trouble. As soon as I let these worries out I felt the elephant that has been sitting on my back for the last couple of weeks vanish. You’d think at some point I would remember how much holding that in hurts me (and those around me). I need to listen to my intuition more and have more faith – always more faith. 

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Sometimes all you need is a little cry 

Jacob and I took Dad’s clothes in to the Mustard Seed this morning and donated them. We all knew that it was the right decision and that Dad would have wholeheartedly approved (although he would have wished we had got on it faster), but that didn’t make the task any more enjoyable. 

Jacob was my GPS guide which meant we argued half the time when we were  lost in a less than enjoyable part of town. At one point we found ourselves in the parking lot of the Alberta Cheese Factory and seriously considered abandoning our mission because…. cheese. But we kept going. 

A really kind lady helped us unload the clothes and take them inside. I was completely ok until it was time to leave, and leave Dad’s things behind. Then I started ugly crying all over the place. The poor woman asked me if I was ok and I had to say no, that those were all my dad’s clothes and I didn’t want to leave them. Then she started crying and said she’d just lost her dad a few months ago and was starting to go through the same things. I responded with my dad has been gone for a year and we are just now able to do this. I wish I could tell you it gets easier but obviously it doesn’t. And then we stood and cried together for a while until I could leave the building. 

After I bawled for a while in the car and was able to finally drive away (poor Jacob) I realized something I didn’t really like. I could and should have walked over and given that poor woman a hug. It probably would have been good for both of us. I have felt lately that I need to be less sensitive to the actions and comments of others, but I obviously need to also be more sensitive to the needs of others. So, less sensitive to how others affect me and more sensitive to how I affect others. Easy peasy. 


Jacob cracked jokes the whole way home and I laughed so hard I had to pull the car over twice. Happiness moment number one. 

I went to an empowering women gathering in Cochrane tonight which was happiness moment number two. The topic of the evening was balance – which is exactly what I’ve been working at bringing back into my space again. I went with two good girlfriends who make up an important part of my tribe. It’s so essential to my wellbeing to have these women to share my struggles and triumphs with – and to share in theirs. These people who have dumped their emotional garbage bags upside down and aren’t afraid or ashamed of the mess it makes and the work it takes to clean it up, they’re my kind of people. 

I didn’t realize how much I needed being in a circle of women like that until I was there. And I learned a quick and fun rebalancing exercise as a bonus. 

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Letting things go

We finally got started on the task of cleaning out Dad’s closet today. It was difficult and emotional, but a chance to sort through some memories and feelings about loss and letting things go. In the past I have not let go either gracefully or peacefully, it’s kind of a work in progress for me that lesson.

I think Dad would have rolled his eyes at the fact that it took us so long to be strong enough to face the task of donating some of his things. He would have told us to pack it up and get it out to someone who could use it right away. But, I think he also would be so touched that he is so deeply loved that there is this group of people who miss him so much. It makes me think about who I want to surround myself with and walk with me on the rest of my journey. It has become so important to me to make sure those are the right people – the ones who know how to laugh, love, find peace, follow God, know how to give and take, and lift each other up.

I came to a realization as I was sorting through my Dad’s things and mentally sorting through emotions left over by last week’s stellar visit from Mr. X. I have wanted so badly to make things better for the kids, to heal them, to make up for all that they are lacking but I can’t do that. No matter how badly I want to, I can’t make up for the things they don’t have – and we are never going to heal that way. I need to let that shit go. We are an awesome little family, and the fact that some painful stuff has happened does not change that. I need to focus way more on the fact that we are this loving, strong, intact family and much less on any force that has tried to weaken us.

This morning I was lying in bed with Jenna who was trying to tickle me and generally get a rise out of me. Jacob came flying into the room and said oh good, it’s my favourite game. I said what’s that? He answered the bug mom game and leapt on the bed with a pillow to smack me with. Those kids, my family, my life – what a happiness moment.

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Je ne regrette rien

I woke up in an Edith Piaf kind of mood. It takes a special kind of mood for me to crave sitting and listening to her songs over and over. Something inside me must have known that today was going to be an emotionally sideways day. 

Don’t get me wrong, I love Edith Piaf, and often listen to her when I’m happy too, but there is this certain kind of funky mood that almost seems to require her voice. 

I had to go downtown and meet my lawyer today which is alway a special kind of fun. It’s expensive, but I remain grateful for how well she does what she does.  As I was getting ready to go, my sister texted me asking if today was a good day to go through Dad’s closet. No, it is not. There is never a good day, but it is time. The past couple of days seem to have been ones where I’ve missed him more. Like I’ve been able to convince myself that it all is a bad dream and he’s not really gone. We will face it tomorrow. 

On the train downtown I read on Facebook that one of my favourite uncles (my mom’s cousin really) died a few days ago. That seemed to have been my tipping point and I bawled the whole way to my lawyer. Thank goodness for 2015 when I spent most of the year crying  in public. It gave me practice. 

When I was a kid, uncle Harvey and auntie Margaret held pony club at their place and it was there that I learned to walk (or ride) headfirst into my fears. I remember being so terrified of their cross country course, and yet year after year tackling it on whatever miserable pony I was riding (I loved them all). 

When I was 9 I was riding Snowflake, the rearing pony. I was down at the start line of cross country and uncle Harvey was doing the countdown. He said one minute, and Snowflake reared up. I slid off her  back and somehow landed on my feet. I walked around the side, he gave me a leg up, and said 10,9,8,7…. and counted me off on my way without saying another word.

There were a few things about that incident that I took away. 1 that he broke the rules by helping me back on my horse. I was grateful for that because I was so scared I wouldn’t have been able to get back on. 2 that help comes sometimes in unexpected and quiet ways and I just need to accept it and move on without making a big deal. 3 no matter how scared I am, if I want something I need to keep going. I won everything I rode in that day. 

When I decided a few years ago to start reaching for a better, happier life I drew on many of the lessons uncle Harvey taught me out in those fields. I am forever grateful for all of that time and all of those experiences. 

This evening I drove my cousin in law home and we listened to the Frantics the whole way. We are always acting out the skits, but neither of us had listened to them for a while. I forgot how hard they make me laugh, and so much better with someone who also knows all the words. Gut busting laughter was exactly what was needed. Happiness moment. 

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Duck duck 

We enjoyed some family time at the creek this afternoon. It’s one of my favorite spots to go – beautiful and filled with generations of memories of good times. 

I loved watching my kids play with their little cousins. How lucky we are that they get to grow up knowing each other and making those special cousin bonds. 

My mom talked about how they used to drive down to the creek when she was little to have Sunday picnics. Then we talked about how my sister and I used to ride our horses there and do the same. I loved that long ride to the creek. Even as a child I knew it was a special and beautiful place. 

There is so much gratitude wrapped up in knowing that we are home and we are safe. We now live so much more in peace than we do in chaos. 

While having supper, a duck family swam past us. The kids got so excited to see them. I was impressed at how the duck parent immediately moved between babies and us to protect the little ones. Protecting little ones is not a small task, and not one to take lightly. Happiness moment – watching the ducks quack by, watching the cousins play 


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What happiness tastes like 

We had a slow Saturday at our house which was so badly needed after a long and stressful week. It was farmer’s market day which is always a treat. We loaded up on cherries, peaches, apricots, nectarines, blackberries, and strawberries. It’s summer heaven at our place right now. 

We had other plans but ended up going home and all having much needed naps. Thank goodness for the luxury of an afternoon nap. It made us able to reset and meet the rest of the day with more energy.

At supper time we found ourselves in Cochrane and decided to try out the new Italian restaurant called The Boot. It was divine. Jacob took a bite of his lasagne and said this is what happiness tastes like. And he was right. Food should make you not only healthy but happy too. 

Today’s happiness moment, sharing a meal with these two. They put so much light into my life. 

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Rebalancing 

Today was a day focused on rebalancing, repairing, and regaining strength. It has been an emotionally exhausting week as I have watched my kids go through so much pain and heartache.  I know they will come through this stronger and wiser, I just wish they didn’t have to go through it at all. 

I remember talking with Dad on one of our walks about his worries about his connection with God. He’d been spending so much time in prayer and meditation, working at making his relationship as strong as he possibly could. At the time we were walking his medication was making it increasingly difficult to keep up his practice and he was worried that his connection was not as strong. We talked about how he had built up a reserve of faith and strength that was getting him through that tough time. 

In a different way I feel like that now. I work to keep my faith strong, but times like this deplete some of my reserves. It’s so important now to fill that space back up so that I can walk stronger on my path. 

So today I rebalanced things. 

I did some yoga and strengthened and rebalanced my poor stressed out body a bit. 

I walked with my cousin in law and dear friend this morning. We laugh and talk about everything – and usually end up doubled over in hysterics at least at one point in every visit. But we also talk about more serious things. So today, along with some giggles, we discussed how we talk to God and what that means to us. Also we talked of how hard that is to do sometimes. I love being able to have such an honest conversation about our thoughts and beliefs. It helps to ground me and rebalance me. 

Then I had more of my reserves built up and had more to give to my kids who desperately needed rebalancing too. We spent the evening together eating supper and laughing with each other. We are a strong little unit but we need our tribe around us to keep us balanced and focused.  

A happiness rebalancing day. Gaining strength, remembering to love each other, working back into peace. 

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Little healing steps 

My boy took a few small healing steps today and I love him so much for it. He prepared himself and once again went in for a therapy appointment  with Mr. X (who failed to show for the last one). I don’t know all the details but it didn’t go well. Still, this brave soul put his heart out there and I love him for that. 

I learned a few years ago from that same person that sometimes what seems like the most painful, difficult heartbreak can actually be one of life’s greatest gifts in disguise. When I looked at the gifts I received I realized I found my renewed relationship with God, my self respect, happiness, joy, love, a return to my tribe, hope…. it goes on and on. Basically I got my life back – but a better version. I hope Jacob finds his gifts from this experience. 

After a little decompression we went to one of our favourite spots to relax and enjoy some family time. My happiness moment was sitting by the creek with my boy just being. I am so incedibly proud of that kid. 

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Healing steps 

Today we took a huge step on our healing journey. It didn’t go the way that we had hoped, but I’m learning that prayers are always answered and that there’s a reason for everything. The fact that my kid took the steps he did despite so many fears shows his desire to heal and be happy. 

I am so incredibly proud of my son. He showed huge courage, strength, compassion, openness, and forgiveness today. The person he was seeking healing with didn’t show up for him, but he learned so much today and walked through it with grace and dignity. He is an inspiration to me and I am forever grateful that God blessed me with his light. 

We have had a huge amount of support from our tribe who have stood beside him quietly showing love while he sorts through what is going on in his heart. 

My happiness moment was one in the midst of deep heartbreak as I saw the level of inner strength that my son possesses within his soul. His faith and his strength will carry him far in life. 

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