We did a forced family fun trip to Waterton today. It’s one of our favourite places to be, all of our souls seem to settle as soon as we get surrounded by the mountains.
We have our usual routine – have lunch near the lake, skip rocks, eat ice cream, go bear hunting (no bears this time. I think they’re all at our place). This time we added in kayaking for fun. The kids are naturals, me not as much. But it was so fun and I didn’t capsize so I consider that a win – and a happiness moment.
Today’s happiness moment is pretty short and sweet. We did a family walk this morning – my sister and her kids, mom, me and my kids. It was heart happy to have our family together and enjoying each other’s company.
I realized part way though the walk that it was starting to feel a bit more normal that Dad wasn’t with us while we did these things and that made me a little sad. That letting go business is so difficult. But I know he would be so happy to see his family out enjoying the day together.
We managed to have a much needed quiet family day today. This has been a really weird week filled with a lot of emotion and at the end of it – I’m tired.
This week I stood in the middle of the storm while my only fear that did not happen in the process of leaving my marriage played out for someone else in my tribe. It allowed me to sort through buried emotions I didn’t know I had and made me realize that I was strong enough to ride out that storm with someone else. I am thankful I was there for her, but I’m also thankful for the healing gifts it gave me.
My moment of happiness was gathering around the table with my monsters this evening for a massive sushi pig out. It was nice to settle back into regular family routine again. I’m so happy my boy is back. Jenna finished the meal by saying I knew we should have worn stretchy pants. Wise words.
Today was a happiness day all around. Some days just feel like they start off with more happiness energy in them and this was one of them.
Most importantly, the boy is back after a week away at his aunt’s house. He had a fabulous time and I’m happy for him, but I am glad our family is back together again. I consider the close relationship we have one of my greatest blessings.
We celebrated with an afternoon at the creek which is always one of my happiness moments. Watching all the kids play and laugh while I visited with my friend was so relaxing. We have sorted through some heavy shit this week and it was nice to just chill for a while. Her strength and courage continues to amaze me.
We finished the evening with a long walk – to work off the dessert we accidentally dove into. It took us well over two hours because my friend and I had to take off on the kid bikes for a race, we had to make the truckers honk their horns, and the kids had to go find the barn kittens at my uncle’s house. Simple, silly happiness.
What I’ve realized over this past week is I have in fact managed to create the safe, happy place that I was so desperately seeking when we moved back here. Not only that, but it’s now a strong enough space to share with others and hold them in as well. That makes me more grateful than I can describe.
Today we gathered together as a family and as a community and said farewell to my Uncle Harvey. He was my mom’s cousin, but in this large, close knit, extended family he was still uncle to me.
I spent hours, days, seasons, riding in the fields on his ranch as a smaller child. It was one of the places where I learned the life lessons of courage and strength that have sustained me so well these past few years as I have been rebuilding a more peaceful and happier soul. My courage and strength were both tested every single time I got on a horse at their place and was pushed to the limit of my fears. I will be forever grateful for the lessons I learned from them.
His sons were talking today at his funeral about uncle Harvey’s own courage and strength and how he taught those around him to be the same by example rather than words. Anyone can say the words to describe the person they want to be, it takes a brave soul to actually live by those words.
Almost 50 years ago there was a prairie fire in the community and everyone had rushed out to help put it out. Uncle Harvey had been away so when he returned home he knew people were working hard to stop the fire. Instead of joining them, he ran to the barn and saddled up his horse. He grabbed his wire cutters and headed flat out into the fury of the fire. He opened gates and cut wires in fences to let the livestock escape the oncoming fire.
They spoke of the kind of man who was both brave and kind enough to run full on into a fire to save the animals. That takes a special kind of individual and one that I am so grateful played such a big role in teaching me about courage and bravery.
My happiness moment ironically came in the middle of the funeral. I was thinking of the gifts that he gave me as a child and how they are gifts I have opened over and over again in my life. There have been so many different people who God has put in my path who have handed me the gifts I needed to carry myself into the next place I wanted to get to. All the emotional craziness of this week has also been a gift. Somehow in the middle of all of it I have settled into a place of spiritual peace that has been missing for quite sometime – and even though I have no idea how it happened, I’m so grateful for that.
Uncle Harvey’s work clothes. 
We had a full out girls day today. We have an overflow of girl power in the house right now and I love it. There’s something that happens when a tribe of girls spend a lot of time together and we have shifted into that zone. It’s almost turned into a red tent – spiritual bonding experience.
Two happiness moments today.
The first was sitting on the couch this morning with my dear friend. We got into a deep discussion about how God has guided and changed our lives. We have both been down some hard roads and seen our fair share of struggles, but agreed that our paths had always been lit and we have always been carried when we needed to be. Then we kind of stopped and looked at each other. I said 25 years ago do you think our bad selves would have ever seen us sitting here curled up together on a couch talking about God? Because we used to be two bad ass girls with lots of attitude and a way of finding trouble. She said I know. And to top it off we are sitting here drinking tea. But that tea drinking conversation was happiness.
The second happiness moment happened over dessert. About 10 days ago in a moment of insanity I decided to give up processed sugar for a while. The kids kindly have been pointing out to me that my mood seems to require that I sweeten myself a bit more (I blame Mother Nature and her night storms that have kept me up for 5 nights now, but whatever). We went out for supper and decided as a 6 girl tribe that we needed two dessert pizzas from the Rocky Mountain Flatbread Company in Canmore. If you haven’t been there – go! That was a wonderful little piece of heaven. In fact, we were enjoying it so ….umm…. ecstatically that we attracted the attention of another table of women who had to know what we were eating so they could feel like that too. It was chocolate heaven. And the more we ate the happier we got. And now I have a belly full of happiness. Life is good.
I have had the strangest 24+ hours that I can recall. Emotions have run high and priorities have been reassessed. I have decided a couple of really positive things have come out of this time.
One is that I have reconnected with a dear, old friend after a 20 year absence in a deep and honest way that couldn’t have happened if circumstances had been different. There’s nothing like a situation that causes you to drop all your guards down and look at the bare bones of what is needed to see what a person is truly made of. This lady is one strong and brave woman.
The other is that it had made me dump out a few remaining bags of emotional garbage I was carrying around from the end of my marriage. Stuff I didn’t even know was still sitting there. I emptied it out and have sorted through so much and in such a healing way. It’s a rare person who has experienced so many of the same situations, even if done in different ways. I think it’s been very healing for both of us. I am grateful for that.
My happiness moment was a brief time spent at the creek. In my opinion it’s about one of the most healing places I could ever go to.
Sometimes things happen that help put all the little life struggles into perspective. I had a scary as crap incident happen this afternoon. It was by far the most terrified I’ve been in years, that threat to my personal safety. However I am so thankful to the Cochrane RCMP for the work they do to keep us safe. I’m also impressed and wowed by the strength and bravery of a girlfriend in my tribe. Some of us need to use so much courage with every step. She amazes me. (I’m not expanding on this because it’s not my story to tell).
Before that happened though….. we spent the afternoon at the Cochrane Horse Trials. Us two horse loving girls who grew up in the trenches of old school Pony Club. We oohed at the ponies, swapped stories of new and old adventures, and basically enjoyed each other’s company. A happiness moment can always be found with horses and horsey friends.
I read something this morning that explained so much of the trouble I was experiencing as I was trying to rebalance myself the last week or so. I couldn’t figure out why I was so badly out of my zone, and when I started to feel why, I didn’t want it to be the reason so I tried to make it not be – but this is it:
It’s so difficult to have found myself in a place where I fit, but where I didn’t belong. This is actually something I’ve felt a few times before and couldn’t figure out how to explain it. This sits with me perfectly. And I know exactly where I belong, it makes me wonder why I was trying to fit anywhere else.
Last night was crazy with storms brewing both inside and outside the house. It was the second night in a row that the storms have kept me up and it’s left me rather a disaster. Some of you know of the inside storm and to that let me say – if you know me and you have my number please be wise enough to know not to text me in the middle of the night unless you are dying. Seriously.
Anyway. Onto today.
We were at my cousin’s house for supper when gigantic balls of ice started falling from the sky. Hail the size of ping pong balls.
We decided my mom’s car needed to be saved from the hail and I ran outside to move it. So, while I’m on one side of the house being attacked by giant ice balls, the family is looking out the window the other way at this: (the white things are hail)
When I came back inside bruised and battered and learned of this I said it’s like God is over there showing the whole world His promise and how much He loves them. Meanwhile He is beating the hell out of me behind the house. Kind of like how my last year has gone. We all found that hysterical and laughed and laughed. Then my cousin said there’s a bible quote for me to go with that and said:
And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. Romans 5:4
So we talked about that for a while. How hope and faith are so defining. I love our family discussions. They always include religion, politics, beef, what’s for dessert, and at least one weird random thing. I am grateful for this awesome tribe that brings me happiness moments on a regular basis.
The theme of this week has been regaining my balance. In the ideal world regaining balance means that I get what I think will make me happy (and the sooner the better). This isn’t always the case though. What always does happen is I get realigned with what is best for my soul – which always leads to happiness in the long run.
Getting into my balanced state means finding that line of what to hold onto and what to let go of. This the constant struggle of my life. Knowing when it is time to let go. Fortunately last year I had a lot of practice in the art of letting go and I’m much more aware of how the signs present themselves in my body. My body is pretty persistent in how it keeps sending signals until I pay attention to them. And oh it feels good to honor that intuition.
I used to struggle more with knowing when to hold on or let go because of my fears. In the last few years I have had to walk into every single one of my fears (except for clowns and mascots – I’m still scared shitless of them) and I have come out a better person for all of it.
Thanks to the words of my smart friend Robyn, I’m no longer afraid to love with my whole heart. As she was processing the death of her mother last year, she pointed out that to love someone means that you know for sure you will get hurt. Either your relationship ends or one of you dies. No matter what there is pain, but we need to do it anyway. I’m not afraid to be alone – thanks to Mr. X, I know it’s better to be alone than with someone and feel alone. I’m not afraid to start over anymore, and I’m no longer afraid of losing all I have.
What I learned for absolute certain is that while I walk through my fears I have not been alone. I learned that every single time I asked God for help He was there on the path to pick me up and guide me. No matter what kind of a brat I was being.
There were several happiness moments today including listening to fiddlers at the farmer’s market, a movie, and supper with various members of my tribe. I had an awesome friend (and tribe member) point out to be how many amazing women are in my family. That built in tribe has always been such a blessing.
But, for some reason Derek hanging in our yard brings me a ridiculous amount of happiness. He’s kind of become my extra, outside dog. I love how we attract in those who need love.
